Monday, 31 December 2012

Auld Lang Syne and the end of the year for the Wiley Fox and a bin at IKEA

So here we are on the last day of 2012 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never mmmmm to mmmmm?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,
For auld lang syne.

Then every one will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands dance and chase the fox shouting

Put Butter in his ear

Butter in his ear MY DEAR,
Put Butter in his ear
Some Butter in his ear

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be sunny . . . . . . . . . . . WELL COOL 

If you do need to sing and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne rather than a foxy based one which would be a bit of a give away…..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

All the best for 2013.

I think they kind of make my point about people knowing the words but still WELL COOL


Sunday, 30 December 2012

The Weather Vane a helicopter and the Ghost Writer

Today started with some blue sky, this was a bit of a shock, although it did not last, and so it is very wet again now. But while it was sunny we noticed that the weather vane on the roof was a bit loose and flopping about rather badly, so after a quick game of Paper Scissors Stone the looser had to climb up and fix it. In the wind on a wet roof so who ever did it would need to not only be very bad at playing  Paper Scissors Stone, but also as mum would put it an IDIOT.  It was quite windy on the roof but I was able to undertake all the required repairs to keep it in place for the winter, to tell the truth I don’t think these things are designed for tropical storms, hurricanes, and 24/7 rain. I am sure they were originally placed on roofs as a compliment to fluffy clouds in a blue sky with a nice gentle spring breeze. 

Then after the rain started I was once again confined to the house, but spent a bit of time with the remote controlled helicopter practicing my skills in cat herding, splitting them into two groups and driving half of them into the kitchen and the other half into the living room. I know I should really do this with sheep but I was told off for getting the dog to round up a few dozen to practice with. It is interesting but a sleep looks small on the side of a mountain but get a dozen of them into your living room and they take up a lot of room. Making sheep herding within a house rather unpractical as they can barely move; and they eat the curtains, sheep are stupid and can’t tell the difference between a meadow full of flowers and a curtain full of flowers.

In other events I have helped a bit with a jigsaw (not the ones that cuts wood in half but a picture made of bits) although apparently super gluing the parts in place is not normally done, particularly when you have put the bit in the wrong place. I also helped with a jigsaw (not the picture made of bits but the one you cut wood in half with) as we are trying to hide the ceramic tiles in the kitchen, the general view is they need to go so the plan is to replace them with tongue and groove panelling which will be painted. It appears that all the work will be allocated in a democratic process based on Paper Scissors Stone, maybe this would be the way to select politicians it would be so much cheaper and just as effective. Although based on the theory that the looser has to be Prime Minister, I think I would be stuck there for life which would be awful.

I have also found a rather dodgy bit of recording of the Ghost Writer singing, it is a bit crackly but that was me trying to get him to stop. You know what he is like when he starts singing and playing musical instruments. Still it was back in the good old days of analogue recording when folk played real interments rather than a PC full of software. 


Saturday, 29 December 2012

Rain, Helicopters and internationally agreed agreements on owl annoying as scientific research

Today started as another very wet grey day, I think I am starting to go a bit stir crazy because it makes getting outside rather difficult and my brain is turning to mush because of a lack of light. I did decide to go and sweep all the leaves and stuff off the drive because at least it is possible to stand on that without a squelching gurgling sound, but it did not take a long time. I also went looking for evidence of a dog which was spotted in the garden last night which was not The Dog who has told us he is going to be a weather man as he is getting rather good at predicting the weather, everyday now for about six months he has looked at the sky and said AH RAIN MARK MY WORDS and got it right every single time.  I am also attempting to get the model helicopter that I got for Christmas from Mr Charlie and Miss Jane to fly about without it attacking passers by. Luckily I can point at the dog and say its his fault, particularly as the dog is staring up at the sky and shaking his head muttering about rain. He does have the advantage though that being huge with very large pointy teeth and red eyes people tend to go AH and runaway. Just think if the BBC weathermen were huge with big pointy teeth and red eyes most people would stop complaining at them all the time telling them to produce some decent weather.

We were hoping to go to the sea for a day but with the roads flooded here and there and the constant rain I think it might just be a case of waiting until the sea level rises and comes to us instead. It would be good to live by the sea again (sort of). I say sort of because it can be a bit iffy at present by the sea, because it rather keen on moving inland. I don’t know if you know this but the UK is a bit like a seesaw and the south of Britain is getting lower each year and the north Scotland is getting higher. We are about in the middle so in theory will be OK I think, but one day the southeast will vanish completely a bit like Atlantis only it will be Essex (not entirely the same thing is it).

I think you can probably tell from both my writing and spelling of late I am loosing the plot but once it gets a bit lighter and warmer I will be my old self again……. So I will go again now and point at walls and laugh hysterically and chase Owls with remote control helicopters, purely in the interest of science by the way as part of internationally agreed agreements on Owl annoying. It was OK to eat Harry Potters Owl the other day because it was barn bred and not a free range bird.

Friday, 28 December 2012

The Life of Pi, Tigers, Hyenas, Zebra and Pies

The rain continues here and apparently England has officially had the wettest year on record although the UK as a whole still has four and a half centimetres to go to beat the UK record. Thats roughly 2 inches if you are in America, although it is worth remembering American inches are slightly smaller than British inches. I sometimes wonder when they measure out the New York Marathon if they use British miles or American miles. OK I will return to this subject some other time as it’s complicated.

Where I was heading in all this is that Miss Fionaski is off to see a movie called ‘Life of pi’ where a boy, a tiger, a hyena and a zebra end up on a boat, well a lifeboat in rather a lot of water (OK the sea). It just goes to show the interesting parallels of life as we are surrounded by flooding and only yesterday I ate Harry Potters Owl and attached the cats to a remote control helicopter skimming them over the surface of large puddles in a re-enactment of Apocalypse Now. And of course the old story of the Owl and the Pussy Cat is famous, as they sailed across the sea living on Zebra sandwiches sold to them by a boy with a pet hyena under a Bong Tree listening to tiger rag on their I Pod. As the Ghost Writer said to me today there is nothing new under the sun,   he is right about that as I plan to eat a few Yoghurt Coated Brazil Nuts tonight and point at things in an interesting way, in particular my evening meal which is homemade  Hyena Pie….YUM.

I have just returned from eating my homemade pie and all I can say is the life of the pi was rather a short one, and as mum is a vegetarian, her pie was a beautiful pea green pie wrapped up in a five pound note (OK I made that up).

You will have noticed that the Ghost Writer was about today and that was because he had to head off to sort out a printer on a 64x BIT Windows 7 PC only the printer was just a bit too old and despite looking at tricks on the internet he failed.  That is not meant to happen to the Ghost Writer and he thinks he might have lost his touch and is getting too old to be an IT man, to reassure him we have all nodded and agreed with him and told him he is well past it.  He did manage one success however, and managed to link someone’s android tablet thing to the internet; although both him and me thought an Android was a large mechanical monster that went AAAAuuuuuuuugggghhhHHHHH a lot and threw Zebra and Tigers over tall buildings. Apparently they are not any longer; they are just a small flat thing with no buttons that you can read my diary on . . . . . . SO COOL. Anyway while I was distracted by all that Miss Issy came and opened all her Christmas presents, so Happy Christmas Miss Issy I will see you soooooooon.


Thursday, 27 December 2012

The Owl and the Pussy cat

Today is one of those funny days because many have had to start returning to work but those of us still on holiday are pondering what to do. I still have loads of things to eat and so I have made a start on that. For example I managed to polish off that Harry Potter Owl leg at lunch time no problem . . . . . . YUM. And I have a good variety of other things to eat including peanut brittle I have not had peanut brittle for ages it is WELL COOL as long as your teeth don’t fall out while you are eating it. 

I have not managed to get outside much lately because the weather is bad, it was raining again at one point today and more is due. The ground is incredibly boggy and although at first sight it may appear to be fine, if you attempt to stand on the grass you slowly sink into the ground and it turns to a gluttonous muddy mass resulting in rescue attempts using ropes and winches to pull you out of the muddy lawn and back onto the path .

It was a Big Owl

I got an interesting key ring fob thing for Christmas which is designed to bleep and flash at you if you whistle, so that if you loose it, a quick chirpy whistle will find it again (as long as it is nearby. But I can’t whistle (OK it’s not my fault I have tried) so I though AH. . . . DAMN but I have discovered that it also responds to coughs and certain people on the television and certain sudden noises and being shouted at as you tell it to shut up because you know where it is. So all in all it is WELL COOL, strangely it refuses to work with other noises even loud ones like clapping or firecrackers or cats tied to a radio controlled model helicopter in a major film re-enactment of Apocalypse Now, that will teach the cats not to snigger at humans hiding under tables on the 21st December just in case the world ends

So that’s it; that is the days events and now it is a bit too late to add another song from the Ghost Writers musician days when good musicians would call round and tell him he was rubbish and hide his guitars. .  

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Boxing Day, Harry Potters Owl (well that's what I was told), Christmas dinner and a Hobbit...

So here we are at the end of Boxing Day and all the family have gone home leaving the house quiet and peaceful again. The day went quite well bearing in mind we had 13 for Boxing Day lunch. I have been back to look at last years diary entry and noted that we did much the same last year, although last year it was a slightly different group of people and the main dinning table was a different shape. You see our dinning table is rather cunning because it is two identical dinning tables which when side by side form a square and when end to end form a rectangle, this year it was the turn of the rectangle. After much eating and attempted party games and exchanging presents and letting the cats in and out and in then out again loads, we ended by chatting about stuff like the End of the world that did not start or end meaning we are all still here, I did not tell them that in fact it did end and they are all barcodes in an old Dell computer because it is Christmas and it might upset them a bit. But all in all it was a jolly good day and all I need to do is work out how I get back out of the Dell computer, I knew I should have drawn a map….

One of today’s treats was the left overs of Harry Potters Owl which Mr Kris and Miss Tracy brought over, so now saved in the fridge for a sandwich tomorrow is the left leg of Harry Potters owl, as Harry himself would say eatimious yumiosus  Whatever happened to Harry Potter he seems to have vanished entirely now, still it could be worse some fool might start making Hobbit movies . . . . . . . . . . ..  AH DAMN.

Yesterday by the way was seriously chilled most of the day, then in the evening we went to The Sun Inn in Marton and had a brill Christmas dinner, so many thanks to all at the Sun Inn

Sorry about the picture I forgot to take one of the table while it was looking posh and all that is left on it of interest in The Lost Orb of Atlantis.


Monday, 24 December 2012

The Ghost Writer and his band . . . Sound and the Drum Machine

Today I have done very little because it is Christmas Eve, so I thought after managing to get a bit of drumming uploaded on to Youtube yesterday I would have another go today. But this was a much older piece of music, you see years ago before the Ghost Writer was a Ghost Writer he was just a Ghost and he made an album. It was his strange reclusive band  Sound and the Drum Machine that consisted of just him because he is too grumpy to play with other people, but he discovered that musicy folk all thought they should get free stuff and in general people did not want to actually pay for their music. And bare in mind this is quite a long time ago before the days of the instant downloads to an ipod. So the Ghost Writer did something that was good but also bad, yes he decided to sell his album for £125.00 on the internet, it was good because the Ghost Writer would say to people that he has the most expensive CD in the world, and it cheered him up lots. However it was bad because no one would buy it after all the public are not entirely mad (well I don’t think so).  So this is track three (chimes) from Sound and the Drum Machine’s, The Album of Dark Tales and Blues. It had a very cool looking CD and makes a brilliant coaster for your coffee

I will be taking tomorrow off so will not be posting a diary entry but I wish everyone a Happy Christmas and New Year and hope everyone has a good 2013, although I am sure the world is due to End in June of July if I remember rightly. . . . . .. 

The Ghost Writer

Sunday, 23 December 2012

A Large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa

Parts of Britain are not fairing well with the floods and although it has been dry today the next few days appear to be a return to more rain, just as our old mate Santa is about to turn up. Dad has built a large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa for all those people who were hoping for Armageddon for Christmas. He has even filled Santa’s beard with fish paste and French fries from the takeaway to encourage flocks of seagulls to follow Santa into his fairy Grotto. Dads plan was to take his Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa to the out of town supermarket and offer him as an attraction but unfortunately dad was unable to get the store manager to unlock his office and most of the other store staff ran screaming in the opposite direction. Even the Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa’s chirpy smile and friendly ho ho ho hello and who would you like me to eat this Christmas didn’t help much. Dad did try and shout through the keyhole of the manager’s door He is great at eating left over turkey and old Christmas trees but it was drowned out by gibbering and the manager scratching at the floor tiles, trying to dig a tunnel.

Dad was planning to take the reindeer to the store with him but mum said they were too scary and looked like a pack of 30 foot high demonic werewolf’s and that the idea of converting a Trojan Space Gull into a sleigh was just plain stupid.  Dad said the public are boring and will probably sit and watch repeats of the Morecombe and Wise Show while trying to get an entire tin of chocolate into their mouths at the same time. I’m sure dad is wrong surely no one would do that  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH 
I spent an hour yesterday doing a quick bit of recording and so if all goes to plan it will be available on line to listen to, I am still working out what does what at present with all the controls and it is all a bit basic so nothing clever just me and a drum and a harmonica and a bit of bent metal that goes boing. As I type I am also trying to work out how to get this uploaded, what I need is a clever Ghost Writer

Ok a bit basic but its a start

Saturday, 22 December 2012

the first day of the Post Apocalyptic World, Pheasants and floods.

Well today is very exciting (well OK its not) as today is the first day of the Post Apocalyptic World, I really should have gone out and explored the brave new world but the truth is the weather in the UK at present is terrible. It seems rather ironic to me that the best day we have had in a long time was yesterday, I suspect the great gods in the sky have been having a bit of a jolly at our expense. However for one small group the End of the World has been today, probably well within the acceptable mathematical margin of error so will count as yesterday, yes the local shoot have been in the fields near us and have zapped loads of pheasants. Being pheasants they work to entirely different calendars than we do, and their doomsday date is based on the one predicted by the ancient Dodo. I have been told that the legend tells of a fearsome creature that will arrive with unspeakable weapons that will make load noises and fell all before them even while in flight, obviously in the case of the Dodo the flight bit does not count. These terrible creatures will then rip apart all the birds and devour them mercilessly, laughing and throwing bits of them away as if they are but bits of uninteresting rubbish. The terrible fearsome monsters apparently look just like human beings and are known to the entire bird population as human beings . . . . . . . . .AH, yes I can see their point. It might explain why the turkey next door was looking a bit depressed, in fact where has he gone? He was about a few days ago  . . . . .AH OK Christmas dinner YUM.

 In other news, there is no other news at present except that Britain is going to be flooded for Christmas and I would strongly advise the use of waterproof wrapping paper and that a wet suit might be a popular present for the man who has everything. Well he had everything until it was last seen attached to a Christmas tree heading down stream with a duck sat on the top of it laughing at people on the banks of the river with fishing nets.

mmmmmm that looks suspicious, maybe we are not entirely safe yet

Friday, 21 December 2012

How the world Ended on the 21st December 2012

So here we are the 21st Dec (AGAIN) only a few short weeks after the predicted End of the World on the 21st December, well what a day that turned out to be  a bit of a surprise for the masses when the first cheese slices started landing across the world. Sadly my diary is not as well read as it should be; and instead of going into hiding large numbers of the population were nibbling cheese.  I think the majority of people in Britain first realized all was not as it should be when David Cameron (the Prime Minister) gave his television statement to the public directly from outside No 10, assuring them it would to be sensible not to panic. His speech was going quite well right up to the point when a huge space gull bit his head off, well that was not expected and the crowds looked shocked, only Nick Clegg seemed to perk up at the opportunity to be Prime Minister but as he stepped up to say a few words to a now bewildered and shocked public he too was plucked off the ground by a space gull and promptly swallowed. From that point onwards mankind was doomed, all that screaming and running about just attracted more Space Gulls. Luckily for us and a few friends dad had anticipated events and had built a large Trojan Space Gull in the garden which we hid in.
It was several days later that the aliens turned up who then set about turning the entire world’s population into DNA bar codes filing everyone away on hard drives. Slowly but surely working their way across the planet until almost everyone was merely a simple barcode, luckily hiding in a nesting (Trojan) Space Gull appeared to the perfect place to avoid detection.
As time passed the weather remained dull wet and cold in Britain as it tends too and the Aliens started to get sore throats, cough and show signs of Man Flu, then they all took to their spacecraft and were heard groaning. From the safety of our Trojan Space Gull we could see several of them staring out of the windows of their space craft looking like Alien Zombies complaining about the cold wet dull weather and Man Flu (apparently the worst illness in the universe). The next thing was they were off; gone; vanished, along with the Space gulls, who by then had eaten all the huge intergalactic cheese slices and French Fries in McDonalds. We waited a few more days but it was safe to leave the Trojan Space Gull then.

Luckily for all of you three things were working to the worlds and your advantage.

1 The aliens appear to all be men and therefore rather more susceptible to Man Flu
2 The hard drives with the world’s populations Barcoded DNA were safe, as they had been accidently left behind by an Alien with Man Flu who had well sort of lost the plot and returned to his spacecraft to go to bed, but left all the important stuff outside.
3 The Ghost Writer was alive and well and hiding in the Trojan Space Gull with us. As you know the Ghost Writer is a genius at IT, and many other things, so he quickly worked out how to reverse the process and return people back to a state of being people again. Well almost as I'm afraid you are all virtual people living in a virtual world created from the networked memory of your barcodes so although it may not feel like it I am afraid you are all living in the hard drive of an old Dell computer under the bench in an orange room which has had the date turned back to the 21st Dec for you to avoid confusion and keep continuity.

 So there we go the world did end for most of you but of course you don’t know that it did because you are in a new virtual world inside an old Dell computer so as long as I don’t press this little button you are fine . . . . . . . . . . . . .AH . . . . .DAMN sorry about that everyone, I will go and have a word with the Ghost Writer

The Ghost Writer says  . . . .IDIOT.


Thursday, 20 December 2012

The Grim Reaper, Goats, The End of the World, The supermarket and the Chinese takeaway

There is one thing that I think we can be sure of in this part of the world for sure, and that is what ever happens with the End of the World it will not involve fire and brimstone because even an entire coach load of boy scouts with their fire making badges could not set fire to anything at present. Not even an object that has Highly Inflammable Keep away from Boy Scouts with Badgers (sorry Badges) and Matches written in huge red letter on the side.

Mum and dad said they wanted to pop to the supermarket for a few items today which at face value seemed like madness, but surprisingly worked out OK. They think there were a couple of reasons for this, firstly sheer good luck; that always helps a lot and although in general terms we are not the luckiest of people every now and again something small will go our way. Then making sure they were wearing the appropriate clothing made a huge difference, Bearing in mind the main topic of discussion this week (the 21st December and the End of the World) they both dressed up as The Grim Reaper.

Yes I think as lots of people are starting to get twitchy about the increased possibility that based on the law of probabilities sooner or later some mad loony will finally predict Armageddon on the right date. So as you might expect of an already nervous crowd in a crowded supermarket seeing The Grim Reaper smiling back at you as you attempt to push your trolley into the frozen food aisles (party nibbles section) it can be a little off putting and lead to a smallish stampede. Add to that the sight of another Grim Reaper (dad) throwing cheese slices at little old ladies with a parrot on his shoulder disguised as a gull, and a small stampede quickly becomes a mass riot as the masses flee from the store clutching frozen turkeys and Christmas crackers (not the ones you put cheese slices on). As dad said when he arrived home he might go shopping as the Grim Reader more often, possibly the January sales if we have not all been destroyed by aliens.

The one good thing that came out of this event was that the school goats last trip on his Steam Powered Catapult before Christmas was today, and his arrival through the skylight was timed to perfection and he was able to graze happily on fresh Brussel Sprouts for ages. I think goats are one of the few animals that eat Brussel Sprouts so he was very happy, however Brussel Sprouts can give goat’s bad wind and a goat with bad wind is bad, so I don’t think any self respecting alien will go near him tomorrow.

We are having a Chinese as our evening meal tonight from the Chinese take away and although not as Chinese as say Captain Nessman’s Chinese Christmas dinner it is still WELL YUM and a fitting way to end the last day before the arrival of Intergalactic Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Aliens. 


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Goats cheese tarts, Norwegians and subliminal messages.

Today was grey wet and exceedingly dull, not what you would expect bearing in mind that we are getting ever closer to a certain date. And assuming we survive that we then have Christmas and I would rather not have a dull grey wet Christmas day because it will feel very odd indeed. This sort of weather would have ruined the bible. All that, follow that star, obscured by heavy rain clouds and thick grey mist, to yonder stable, the one with the large tarpaulin on the roof next to that bloke who is making a huge ark to put a load of animals in.  Maybe this is why the Norwegians like Raw Cod on Christmas day.

While on the subject of food, we had homemade goat’s cheese tarts for our evening meal. The plan is to build up the immune system to protect us from the arrival of the huge intergalactic cheese slices, interestingly there appeared to be a subliminal message in my meal giving a hint of what the aliens might look like too, so that was very useful.

My day (partly because of the weather) was not a productive one, as I have said previously it is hard to stay motivated on cold grey days and we are very close to the so called shortest day, so called due to it being the day with the least hours of daylight (even less than today . . . . . .YICKS) although if all goes as predicted it might be the shortest day by quite a bit.  

Ok I am off now to protect myself from the lurking cat (Heavy Harry) who has taken to lurking even more, and must have some diabolical master place of his own, possibly to work on his own attempt to take over the world……

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Rabbits and Cows and The End of the World (again)

The poor old Ghost Writer has turned up looking like a zombie, he had to go into the office and look at a computer but the computer sort of responded in slow motion. This is something a computer can do at times and it is often connected to older computers, when I say older I refer to more than five years old as in IT terms five years is old. The result for the Ghost Writer was that what he thought would be a quick and moderately simple job turned into an epic all day long job which to rub salt into the wound so to speak ended when the computer crashed out meaning he has to start all over again after Christmas

He has just asked me if I have a piece of paper with a special security word on it because he will need it soon and knows I have it put away safely. . . . . . .AH DAMN . . . . . I was rather hoping he was not going to ask me that, but I have reassured him it is in a safe place.

Very kindly I have been made a safe place with a big sign on it saying Safe Place so I can put things in it that need to be safe, so as soon as I find them I will put them in there.

Yesterday I wrote  . . . ‘and cows when being stalked by rabbits (hang on that sounds wrong. This encyclopaedia might have been cheap but its rubbish)’ . . . .  Well today I was reassured by the Natural History teacher that in fact rabbits do stalk cows but the whole affair is far more psychological than simply cow sees rabbit, cow runs and rabbit chases cow. That you see would look a little odd to us humans, but it appears it is a battle of wits as the cow will hold its ground but the rabbit being a nimble beast will hop about slowly circling the cow. Sometimes a herd of cows will be surrounded by a load of rabbits (called a warren of rabbits) that will rotate round the cows in a hopping fashion. The rabbits trick is to slowly speed up as it rotates the cows, the cows will keep their eyes on the rabbit to ensure it/they is not trying to sneak up behind it/them so the cow is forced to rotate on the spot, as the rabbit gets faster and faster so the cow spins faster. Well as you would expect from an animal not designed to spin on its axis the cow becomes dizzy and faint and falls over; it is at this point the rabbit will move in for the kill.

But it appears that rabbits are vegetarian and after a small nibble of hoof realise they do not like cows and so the cow once recovered will stand up again. It takes a cow at least twenty five minutes to fully recover which is ironically the memory span of the rabbit that will then see the cow in the field and start to stalk it (again) by hopping round it.

The Natural History teacher thinks that the impending End of the World is the result of the cows contacting their far off intergalactic relatives to finally stop this continual cycle of giddiness and falling over and have requested that their intergalactic relatives destroy all the rabbits. But the cows have sent slightly the wrong message resulting in a slight error in that the entire world will be destroyed.

So in short according to the Natural History teacher the End of the World is all the rabbits fault……….. Mum says the Natural History teacher is in fact an IDIOT……


Monday, 17 December 2012

Cats and Cables and The End of the World

Oooooooo the world has suddenly woken up to the fact that the world is due to end on the 21st December, well golly gosh and not before time after all I have explained exactly what to expect (cheese, gulls, aliens maybe a chicken and yod) but have the masses paid any attention to my detailed analysis of the situation, no.  Its really strange its almost as if they think I am mad or something and just talking a whole load of rubbish.

I will admit I think I might be going a bit mad, my spat of loosing things is not going well as I lost a key piece of paper today it was the piece of paper with a secret code word on it, apparently if we all shout this code word on the 21st Dec it will trigger a reaction that will halt the End of the World but as I say I have sort of put it somewhere safe. I am not sure where this safe place is but I am beginning to think it must be a decent size because every day it appears to have more stuff in it. The dog has said it is probably best not to tell the world that I have sort of mislaid the piece of paper that would save everyone because they might get a bit annoyed with me and shout a lot. Shout almost everything in fact except the right word.

One of the great frustrations of the last few days is that I appear to have lost more than I have achieved. The dog has expanded this principle into his own theory on The Great Apocalypse and thinks it will all come to an abrupt end not because of Huge Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Angry Aliens and just maybe a Chicken, but as a result of me putting the world in a safe place. I have told the dog it might be a good idea because if the world was in a safe place the aliens would never find it and it would be safe, and even I could not loose something as big as the World (I think).

We also think that Harry the Cat might be in cahoots with the aliens because he has taken to watching us from round corners, lurking in the shadows and just wagging his tail. Cats wagging tails is not like dogs wagging tails, cats wagging tails is not good, this can confuse a dog who will think the cat is happy and wants to play.  So I think we all need to keep our eyes on cats for a few days to make sure they are not part of The Apocalypse

I am told that another telltale sign that the End is Nigh is scrambled cables, cables of a certain length can pick up the oscillations that are emitted by encroaching doom and will twist together for protection in the same way eels do and cows when being stalked by rabbits (hang on that sounds wrong. This encyclopaedia might have been cheap but its rubbish). Anyway I noticed evidence of this effect today and have recorded the photographic evidence for you all to see.


Sunday, 16 December 2012

Can I find the lost world before the end of the world . . . and fairy lights

I spent much of the day searching for the thing I could not find, and believe it or not did not find it, typical.  But being resourceful I was able to do an improvised option that is almost as good as what I was trying to do in the first place, so that was sort of good. However I then discovered that my trusty old hifi was using a fancy low profile power connector, something I did a long time ago to save on space in its cabinet, but guess what I can not find the other half of the low profile connector. O really this is very frustrating for a simple scrambled brain, I have seen it somewhere maybe it is in the safe place with the other item I have put in a safe place. One of the problems is that we have loads of stuff (no really I mean loads), we tend to look after it so as time goes by it forms large piles. I think one of the reasons that things do get looked after is no doubt the fact that for most of the life of the item no one knows where it is.

So I am now almost exactly where I was yesterday only the part I am looking for is a different part, please note laughing is not an option or when the aliens turn up on the 21st to instigate the End of the World I will be giving them the names of anyone who sniggers.

In other news we noticed tonight that the house on the little hill across the road a bit, appears to have gone into competition with fairy lights, well sort of competition as they have one long string of lights (say 150 to 200) that flashes and does other things where we have just over 3000 so no competition there me thinks. OK ours are white and just sort of stay on, glowing at the world but then 3000 plus fairly lights flashing might mean we get confused with the aliens on the 21st  and that would never do. I was rather pleased to see that at least one of two mainstream media companies have finally taken note of the 21st,  and so far it appears that the worlds most authoritative expert of the events that are due to befall us all on that date is me.  I have written down everything in great detail about the End of the World in a special notebook and put it in a safe place so it does not get lost . . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN.

Oooooo and I have just saved someone I think from a dodgy solar panel salesman who wanted to charge loads for solar panels that would end up pointing north, why do some folk have no consciences and will con people, even little old ladies.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Putting things in a safe place and drilling holes

I chopped some logs today and drilled a hole in a wall and found some cables for the digital studio in order to help multi-track my drumming, I found the cables while looking for something else in connection with the hole in the wall.  I had put the item I could not find in a safe place last time I found it knowing that I would soon be needing it, but I can not remember where the safe place is now . . . . . .DAMN. This is not the first time I have not been able to find something in a safe place and so I have come to the conclusion that the least safe place to put something is the safe place, unless it is say for example a very large box with a narrow pointing at it saying safe place. And my advice is not to have lots of safe places either but just the one that has space for everything that you might wish to keep safe.

So I am abandoning the search for things in safe places now and hoping that maybe I might find it tomorrow. In fact I think that is it again for the day. These sorts of things tend to happen in the Winter months I run out of steam a bit quicker than I would in the summer. I have just checked what was happening this very day last year and as it happens President Putin was dancing on top of the Ritz hotel in a re-enactment of an old Fred Astaire movie as he started his presidential campaign. I spent the day making an L shape rather than this year, drilling a hole and we had a curry for dinner, and this year we did not. And a year ago tomorrow we had the very first snow of winter….

It just goes to show how useful a daily diary can be….  


Friday, 14 December 2012

Mist Rain Truth and Sadness

Finally the weather changed it warmed up a little, I say a little because it is at least the other side of freezing now, but very misty wet and dark, so all in all the weather is still rubbish. I noticed this morning that people are starting to vanish, even the ghost writer who is here and groaning said at his office most of the people had vanish, the security man at the main entrance to the Ghost Writers office said they had all vanished off on the Christmas holidays.  But that can’t be right as all the schools have to stay open until the end of next week. It is a tradition in Britain that the schools break up months before anyone else and that all us kids are bored silly by the time our parents get time off work. So Myself the dog and the Ghost Writer are working on the assumption that the aliens are going to sneak the end of the world on us so that we don’t notice. It will finally end with an elderly couple living on the outskirts of Swindon saying to one another I haven’t seen Doris for a couple of days, before both of them and their cat suddenly vanish leaving Planet Earth empty ready for re-colonization by the aliens and huge space gulls.

There is an old saying that goes Truth is Stranger than Fiction  . . . . . . . . Well not here its not ………

 Sadly the truth can also be very cruel, sad and unkind. I still fail to understand why humans can do terrible things to other humans, as I have said on many occasions the outcome of our actions are never predictable and it would be good if we all did our best to help each other rather than destroy each other.

While on the subject of truth, the Ghost Writer has told me it was his works Christmas party today, he always likes going to the works Christmas party because they do like to do a secret Santa. But as the presents were handed out and they got down to the last two presents it was suddenly realised that everyone had a secret Santa present except the Ghost Writer. As it happens the Ghost Writer said he did not mind because he knows I always get him something really interesting . . . . . . . . . . . .AH I knew there was someone I am meant to buy a present for, I must try and remember before Christmas day.

OK I need to run off again before writing about all the events of my day but they were not very exciting events and the small explosion only made a small whole in the school roof. And little Roger did manage to accidently jam the Physics teachers 4X4 in the corridor to the hall but they man from the RAC says if they dismantle it a bit they will have it back on the road by the middle of next week.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

A Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski and the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia

As you know over the last few days I have complained that it has been very very cold, so in a sort of themed weather based continuation of my diary, I can tell you all in a very loud voice, well I would if I was able to type in a loud voice, that today was in fact very very very cold, no it really was it was cold. It was the sort of cold where you might bump into say a Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski who might be out practising her abilities at moving through the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia navigating using only the stars. So as Miss Fionaski was passing us as she navigated the wild woods she called in to say hello, discuss the new shortwave radio code cipher with mum . . . . . .XAQ145F3NNp  . . . . . Which I am not allowed to tell you about or it will ruin months of hard work . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN sorry about that, apparently mum says that Mr President Putin has just sent a message saying I AM AN  IDIOT. Hay a message from President Putin that’s cool.

Miss Fionaski  The Famous Russian Spy

While Miss Fionaski was here I showed her the Christmas tree, she likes Christmas and she was showing me her cunning spy electronics that allowed her to see all the stars in the sky even during the day and her translator which automatically translates into any language. So I tried to get it to translate My seagull called yod has eaten all your cheese slices but it said   Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов, which turned out to be the wrong response in Russian. Then Miss Fionaski vanished off into the cold to meet people and take pictures of secret things.

Not Long after that Miss Issy turned up and said it was jolly damn cold, so cold that she would not be surprised to meet a famous Russian spy on a training mission in the woods as they looked just like the  intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia; (that’s the woods not the Famous Russian Spy).

So that’s it I am running away to a warmer place leaving none but the hardiest of beasts fighting through the cold hard frost of winter. I did see a shadowy figure with a big red cloak which had white fur lined edges and a hood and they were wearing big black boots and carrying a large suspicious sack and may have had a false beard;  so I shouted out to them in a friendly gesture Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов but they ran off hiding their face, back into the woods. Muttering something about President Putin and the letter he sent to Lapland

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

The twelfth day of the twelfth month of 2012, the Montgolfier brothers and a rather nice curry

It is the 12th of the 12th of 2012 or 12-12-12 today (not as good as 12-12-1212 but I missed that date) which will not happen again for a very long time. As it happens I think it will if I remember correctly Ethiopia is eight years behind the rest of the world, I am not sure why and I have not checked to ensure I am correct because it is very very cold. But I am going to assume I am right because I am right almost every time I am not wrong, and I am only wrong when I am not right.  In other words it will not be 12-12-12 again for eight years. Next year we will have 11-12-13 (well not if you are in America because for some silly reason they do their dates wrong)…..

The Sun was rubbish today and looked a bit like one of these low energy light bulbs, it even generated about the same amount of heat as a low energy light bulb, I just hope that the End of the World is not going to be an eco friendly End of the World that would be a disaster.

In an effort to warm ourselves up we are going to descend on the Montgomery Indian Restaurant and meet up with friends, when I say descend I really mean we are going to walk in the front door like everyone else, it is one of those silly sayings which came about from the early days of hot air ballooning when the Montgolfier Brothers would say to their pals see you for dinner. They would then leap into their hot air balloon and vanish off in totally the wrong direction landing on the roof of some poor unsuspecting family and say to them we thought we would just drop in for dinner, the resulting conversation would then descend into a fight because the Montgolfier Brothers would always say the food was rubbish and what is for pud.

So that’s it I know I did stuff but it was cold and stuff I do when I am cold is not exciting and I am (that’s cold not exciting, although I am exciting) I am not as good at typing either so enough is enough, another little phrase that goes back to the days of the Montgolfier Brothers when the family finally thought it was time to throw the balloonists out on their ears. Yes, yet another ballooning term, those early hot air balloon baskets looked just like ears .. . . . . . .The END

Last one to eat a curry is a sissy AH HHAH HAH ah hah ahah ahahahaha haha hahahahahh aha hah ahaha hahh hah 


Tuesday, 11 December 2012

How to keep warm in the cold using Rats and Wooly Jumpers

It was a very cold day today, one that nibbled about at the extremities of one’s body resulting in the addition of many layers. These many layers may work remarkably well at keeping you warm, but it is only when you see someone else wearing additional layers that you come to realise there is a fine line between the practical and madness. Yes I think we all know who we are talking about . . . . The Ghost Writer, who popped in to say its jolly damn cold outside and I have resorted to wearing several extra layers of CLOTHING? It was pointed out to him that if there was one thing he did not need to point out to us, it was the fact he was wearing extra layers. I even removed several layers of clothing for a while in order to look normal (sort of normal) but decided that looking mad and being toasty and warm, beats looking normal and freezing. Strangely no one in school commented on my appearance but looking back on it I seem to remember that all the pupils resembled woolly balls of wool and sounded very muffled.

The Ghost Writer has told me that if you wear a few large rats under all the layers they make great hot water bottles although you do need to make sure they remain well fed and that you do not make any sudden movements. They do not take kindly to being sat on…….

It is the day after the start of the End of the World, I have to admit I am not sure if it has started to end or not, certainly no one is screaming or running about flapping their arms in the air. But then that is not easy with fifteen woolly jumpers on anyway, I just hope that the world in not going to end in a giant freeze as I was hoping for a warmer End of the World, luckily I do have a larger than average collection of jumpers due to a technical error when we moved house resulting in me obtaining loads of jumpers. I will run away now as the open fire is calling me to go and throw wood and coal on it for the evening.