Time Travelling Butterflies and Sam the Parrot is Back in Harry Tuffins at Churchstoke

It was a nice day today and as I stood outside just after breakfast pondering, a plane shot over the house flying really low, OK these things happen from time to time, but on this occasion it looked just like a world war two Hurricane. That was a surprise and what was interesting about this was at the time the garden was full of cabbage white butterflies. Now some of you will say it is merely a coincidence because to put it bluntly you are a sceptical lot and some of you I’m sure have doubts about my diary, but its all true (OK mostly).  This sort of coincidence is however just too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence, to prove my point I want everyone who has stood in their garden and seen a WW2 fighter fly over at the same time as their garden has filled up with an abnormally large number of butterflies. . . . . . . . . .  You see my point is made.

But so what, I hear you type (as you do on occasions);  well as it can not be a coincidence then it can only be one thing and that is a Time Warp where our garden dropped back in time to a point where the likelihood of seeing a WW2 fighter is very likely. You see one of the lesser known facts about butterflies is they are time sensitive and if there is a likely hood of a patch of land dropping through time for a while they will gather at the spot and take advantage of the situation to go back in time to feed on pre GM crops free from modern insecticides and other nasty substances.

It has long been know in scientific circles that Butterflies can time travel but most scientists are loathed to say so for fear of being ridiculed by the masses and burnt at the stake.

Anyway after a few minutes the butterflies dispersed, and time returned to normal (I think).

Oooooooo one other small thing I have noticed that news of Sam the Parrot appears to have become almost impossible to find, as if he never existed, it is like he has vanished into a completely different time, a time when parrots were free to roam the planet eating cake and Brazil nuts in the rolling hills telling tales of pirate gold.  

Hang on just as I was having a cup of tea before I posted my diary entry I have news Sam the Parrot has returned and men have been arrested in Birmingham. . . . . . . . . .

WELCOME BACK SAM.  

     

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The Perils of life as a Parrot.

It appears that Sam the Parrot has been stolen from his home at Harry Tuffins Superstore in Churchstoke which may not seem like devastating news, but around here he is known to almost everyone, partly because he shouts at you when you enter the supermarket. In the old days he was free range and would laugh and bounce about as he snipped another finger off some unsuspecting small child, well he is a parrot after all.

Now there are some thefts in the world of crime that are just seen as bad form such as stealing from small children and little old ladies, as Benny Neckbender would say ITS not right stealing stuff from someones granny and such things are frowned on badly by decent upstanding criminals. However one of the lowest of the lows in this world of moral conflicts is stealing a mans parrot, since the days of pirates on the high seas it has been taboo to steal parrots and will result in bad karma (like seriously bad Karma). So if you are reading this and have a nicked parrot then I would say best to hand it back or Napoleon Beelzebub will be turning up saying WHOSE A pretty boy then something you really don’t want to hear from Satan.

The Ghost Writer however has a different theory, well he has two . .. . the first is :-

Not so long ago the Co-op took over the supermarket but not the whole of the building, so could not get rid of the parrot,  It is not in keeping with the multinational corporate image they like to portray to the masses and so they have hired a hit man to bump off the parrot. Possibly the famous hit man known to the world as, The Jackdaw like in the Movie……The Day of the Jackdaw.

The second theory is:-

Late at night in the dark; Harry Tuffins Superstore was in fact broken into by aliens. Since the store was empty there was no one to communicate with in the dark as they grabbed provisions then a voice said TAKE ME to your leader, well we all know Sam the Parrot loves to talk but saying take me to your leader to an Alien is foolish indeed. So Sam will be on an Alien Spacecraft somewhere.

Ooooo yes there is one further point to make and that is this is not the first time Sam has been stolen but last time the thieves were caught when Sam told the pet shop owner they were trying to sell him too that he was in fact Sam the Parrot and needed some help pronto.

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Normality, Harry Potter and the Pheasant

    

Dam today was quiet, everything at school was normal, Maths English German History Chemistry (not a single BANG), and Art. Just as they should be not a single event of any interest even the seagulls were just chilling eating the occasional chip after lunch from the remains of the mass exodus to the Chip Shop for the regulation school lunch. And the headmaster, wandering about in the playground pointing at stuff, with one of the school governors. Who had taken the headmasters advice and was wearing a full face crash helmet.    

When I say (pointing at stuff with one of the school governors) I don’t mean the headmaster was lifting the school governor up and pointing them at the particular item to be pointed at. Although with a red crash helmet on they would have made a good pointer (not the breed of dog), No the headmaster was pointing at stuff with his hands same as I do when I point at stuff although I sometimes use a stick or one of those hand held steam powered laser pointing things.  I have told dad most people have battery powered laser pointers and the steam operated one fills rooms up with steam, but I must admit the laser looks well cool in steam.

Then the school bus did not get kidnapped, it has been ages since that happened doesn’t time fly. Dam it I used that silly saying again about time and I am not going to discuss that again now (maybe another time HAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hahah ahahah haha hah hah Haahanah). Mum said IDIOT again.  Everything was normal at home, well as normal as it normally is and everyone was pottering about.

How come Bloody Harry Potter gets a word named after him that is all nice; I am just pottering about la de da de da ho hum potter potter. I have the word robbing Me and Harry have just nicked that nice little old ladies pension HAH HAH AHHHAH HAH HHAHHHA and we scarred her cat up a tree HAHAHHAHH HHAH hah Rob rob rob…….. ……….  lovely job gov.

I think I have discussed that all before too, I am starting to think that Harry Potter and the Horse are trying to discredit my diary by messing with the plot. Still where is Harry Potter now (HAH HAH AHAHHHAH HA) a spent force destroyed by a slightly dodgy happy ending which reminds me I must watch that last movie of his sometime, it has got to be better than the one before the last one, that was rubbish.

Sorry back to today and the diary as I said nothing has happened so I well I have nothing to write about (again).

Oooooo it was grey and raining not a nice day, OK that’s it bye.   

And I saw a pheasant

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Ken, Judas Priest, the Washing Machine, Lemmings and Baby Ferrets

A member of the Ghost Writer’s family called in to see him this morning as he was having breakfast with us, and they were telling us they had been off playing golf with Ken from the band Judas Priest.  Now that is all very well but this is Judas Priest we are talking about, WHAT one of then is called Ken and designs Golf courses that’s not right I’m sure.

Anyway just to prove the world is a strange place Miss Fionaski had her old washing machine stolen from her garden last night, although they did not take anything else and where very good and closed the gate after they left. The dog thinks the two things might be connected and thinks that if it gets out that Judas Priest play golf and live in posh houses in Shropshire and not the fiery darkened dungeons of Napoleons Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop then Album sales might suffer. So in a desperate attempt at street cred they sneaked into Miss Fionaski’s garden and ran off with her old Washing Machine. I can see that all that leaping about on stage would make you very sweaty and a washing machine is something you might need. But Mum has said IDIOTS so I take it from mum that she does not agree.

There is a posh wedding in the square tonight I can tell because there is a posh dress code that people wear to weddings that they don’t wear to anything else. Mum and dad are not going because dad said he is making a new steam powered exercise machine to help exercise the Lemmings in the woods. It has a nice round glass door and a big drum that spins so that they can run in it to keep dry and not fall over cliffs (not as in Cliff Richard but as in AAAUuuuuuuuugh splat). Me and Mum think it looks just like an old washing machine but dad insists it is not and never has been a washing machine ever, and was not left in a garden down the road. Mum has thrown the Armadillo toaster at dad now ??????

Ooooo one final little thing on the way home in the car with dad (it’s a long story and if I wrote everything I would go mad) I saw a sign saying Ferrets For Sale near the woods. Well that might just mean dads malfunctioning Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot has had the baby ferrets now …….. WELL COOL…

Captain Nessman of the High Seas                          The world is indeed a strange place. I was only, just a few minutes ago, listening to 'Sad Wings of Destiny'. This has always been one of my favorite albums, I mean 8-tracks, I mean CD's. Actually, the first time that I heard it was on my Mom and Dad's 8-track player back in 1981. I saw Judas Priest live in concert on their 'Screaming for Vengeance' tour in 1983 or 84 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was an awesome show...no signs of golf clubs though. Rob Halford rode out onto the stage on his Harley Davidson motorcycle...no signs of old washing machines either...Hmmmmmm...

Samuel Taylor Coleridge and the large bowl of semolina pudding

The school teachers were in a bit of turmoil today it appears their lucky talisman that they all touch in the morning to protect them from the demonic children as the Home Economics teacher put it, had been stolen. Well they thought it had been stolen, it’s a bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge with an old fisherman on his head.

It became the teacher’s lucky mascot and talisman when it fell on the head of Slippery Slim the well known sneak thief when he tried to sneak in to school and steal all the pupils dinner tokens from the safe for his son. And destroy all the end of term reports after the previous report where someone in the English dept had written young master Slim must try harder and is capable of better work, and the maths teacher just said he is rubbish and has a school dinner fixation which we recommend getting help for, as they are rubbish too. He was trying do it undercover of the noise from the road works outside but as a result of the vibration of pneumatic drills, it fell off its shelf (Samuel Taylor Coleridge) and landed on his head making him scream and as a result he was caught. Anyway since then it has been the teachers lucky talisman and every day they all rub his nose for luck; (I wish I hadn’t started all this it is all a distraction) but he does have a shinny nose.

The point is the teachers were a jabbering wreck and although all the pupils tried to be good it was something of a lost cause. The head girl did then try and explain they need to have faith in God and their own abilities not a lucky talisman which would not help. But the RE teacher said ITS OK FOR YOU and hit the head girl over the head with a huge bowl of semolina pudding from the canteen; it was not a pretty sight that’s for sure.

The Head girl somewhat dazed and semi blinded by the semolina pudding staggered down the school corridor groaning but the rest of the teachers thought it was a monster and ran away screaming while trying to recite The Ancient Mariner and saying without their talisman they were all doomed. 

We never learnt much today except maybe another verse of The Ancient Mariner and that semolina is very slippery a bit like Slippery Slim, who ironically fell in it when he came to pick his son up from school and claim he was innocent and it was a stitch up by the headmaster. 

As it turned out the Ghost writer was clearing his rubbish out of the school cellar (he has stuff everywhere) and the bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge got mixed up in a big pile of rubbish accidently. But the ghost writer noticed his shinny nose glinting in the sunlight when he threw all the rubbish in the skip at the recycling place in town. So by early evening he was back on his shelf and all is well again, (the bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge not the Ghost Writer)

The mass hysteria of looters, Poundland and truffle hunting

Dads friend Benny Neckbender came to see dad today; he is very upset about the looting in all the big cities and was complaining that it is difficult enough for a decent honest criminal to make a living in the present economical climate without a lot of teenage gangs in a state of mass hysteria running about nicking everything and anything and smashing up all the shops.

   

 In the old days he could go to the pub and quietly flog a nice 48 inch Plasma television for a few readies to a man from the market who would have a friend who would shift it about a bit and everyone was happy. Today he was visiting a man about a dog up in the smoke (The Great Metropolis) and they walked past a skip full of Plasma televisions that no one wanted. And he said they even looted Poundland? He was well unhappy with that he said it gives crime a bad name when people loot places like Poundland, he said even shop lifters sneak things back in and leave them on the display shelf having removed them from their poor old mums flat, because she is 93 and has lost the plot. Apparently mad little old ladies who have lost the plot like to buy stuff in Poundland for a pound, and were it not for the fact the CCTV showed gangs of youth running up and down the road Benny would have been convinced it was a gang of grannies that looted the shop chain.

Jim went to the woods today as the dog had offered to act as a sniffer dog and show him things and animals that no one has seen before, but for substantial fee up front in cash. I’m sure Jim would never have fallen into that trap in the old days, but he is very focused on his wildlife movie. They were away until quite late and the dog came back very bouncy and happy, he said he found some really scary things that no one had ever seen before and that some of them even ate one of the film crew when Jim tried to do a close up shot to show how big their teeth were. Jim said it was not nice but great action for the movie.

Me, Mercedes and Rusty the Robot Dog spent the day in the park trying find truffles, I did suggest the sweet shop but Mercedes said IDIOT; At least is was not mum. Sadly Rusty the Robot Dog might be able to speak Latin but his ability at finding truffles is rubbish although he did find twenty five pounds worth of scrap copper pipe. He said it was scrap, although the huge plume of water in the ornamental garden was not there when we arrived, so we left then sort of quickly and went home via the scrap yard. Benny said NICE and has asked to borrow Rusty.  

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg playing the bagpipes and three feet long Cock Roaches.

There have been riots in London the last couple of nights with looting and burning down homes and businesses for what appears to be no rational reason whatsoever. Therefore it is nice to live in the environment we do. Only last night due to a strange and quirky coincidence it was not quiet and we all had to stuff cotton wool in our ears, even Rusty.

About one o’clock in the morning we were all woken up by the strange sound of a ghost playing the bagpipes very badly indeed, at first we all thought it was The Ghost of Steven Spielberg. Rumour does have it the he is rubbish at playing the bagpipes; dad even threatened to go and sort him out and suck him up in the vacuum cleaner. In the end however it turned out to be a burglar alarm which had gone faulty and was screaming at us all. So instead of the quiet night in the rural hills of Welsh cyberspace it was noise noise noise and not a single riot within one hundred miles. Mum and dad think it was the burglar alarms farewell lament to them before we hopefully all move house in time for the seagull; sorry I mean sequel book movie etc.

This morning a man came and put a box full of padding over the alarm because having taken the fuse out and disconnected all the power it was still screaming at us. Then about half an hour later another man came and put a bigger box full of sound insulation over the first box full of sound insulation but it was still very noisy. Mum did say burglar alarms are designed to keep going whatever, or else burglars would be able to deactivate them which would defeat the reason for having it in the first place. This is fine until it all goes wrong and a man has to come from a long way away. He did in the end but PHEW it was a noisy day.

Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop does not have a burglar alarm, he has three feet long Cock Roaches who are allowed to eat burglar’s and shop lifters as long as they don’t leave bits of limb lying about. I went to see him this afternoon and I did find a leg so he was a little annoyed, we think it might have been a looter because there was a plasma television lying next to the leg, that was made by John Logie Baird in 1925 (the television not the leg).

Anyway everything is very peaceful again now because everyone is tired and the alarm is quiet again as for the riots who can tell it is still sunny and to tell the truth we were not expecting riots in my diary until the first night of the Block buster movie when everyone will be trying to get in to see it. Mum just said IDIOT again, I have warned her it might become her catch phrase but she has made a rude gesture, that will have to be left out, as this is a family movie.

The school trip to Brecon and the last Pick & Mix in Woolworth's

We went on a school trip to Brecon today on the school bus. It was a bit odd because it was just the pupils, plus Mrs Jones who likes to catch the bus into town in the morning (sometimes) to do a bit off shopping. Brecon is about an hour and three-quarters away or something like that it is difficult to tell because there are very few places to overtake so it you are behind a truck pulling a lion in a cage then it takes ages.

Once we arrived in Brecon I thought I would look for some jazz because the only thing I know about Brecon is it has the Brecon Jazz Festival. Mrs Jones was well pleased she said she has never been shopping in Brecon before so she was going off to potter about and look for bargains. She is almost one hundred and sixty two now and knows a bargain when she sees it. According to dad she is the best shop lifter in Wales and Nelson Beelzebub said she has loads of loyalty points but she is such a nice old lady he hasn’t got the heart to foreclose on her contract.

Everyone wandered about and it was all very peaceful until loads of police turned up apparently chasing a shoplifting master criminal who they had cornered in Woolworths. No one has told them in Brecon yet that the Woolworths chain has gone bust; I guess Brecon is rather out of the way.  We watched the stand off for a couple of hours but then the bus driver said it was time to go back to Montgomery and we were waiting for Mrs Jones. Me and the bus driver let the Lion out of the back of the cage as by then the truck had finally arrived in town and in the ensuing mayhem Mrs Jones made her escape and we were able to start our trip home.

Mrs Jones was very thankful for our assistance and gave me a bag of Pick & Mix from Woolworths to eat but they were a bit musty I think they were past their sell by date. I asked the bus driver why we went to Brecon but he said he was a bit bored and fancied a change, and as long as we all told everyone including our parents we were abducted by aliens (again) it would be fine. I told mum and dad but they said the bus driver went to Brecon again didn’t he, they recognized the bag of Pick & Mix

the master criminals, the kidnap and the SAS

Well I was up nice and early today so planned to have a leisurely walk to the bus for school only I was kidnapped and thrown into the back of some odd looking car and driven to Ystradgynlais in south Wales where I was then thrown into a small room full of computers. At first I thought in might be the FBI and MI6 but they said they were master criminals who were holding me for ransom.

As it turned out they were not very good master criminals because they made several errors firstly they forgot to check if I had a mobile phone which I did. And mum and dad had me fitted with a tracking device when I was a baby because the dog kept selling me for dog biscuits in the shopping centre so they needed to be able to track me down again.  And because dad is a friend of Benny Neckbender, and Benny knows every master criminal so when dad phoned him he told dad who they were and said they were rubbish. And because I was locked in a room full of computers the ghost writer was able to tell dad which room it was, the ghost writer knows all about computers in small rooms.

 So by about half past three in the afternoon dad, the dog, Rusty the Robot Dog  and Captain Flint the Parrot were all ready to raid the building in Ystradgynlais only as it happened an elite squad of SAS were passing and were wondering what was going on so they raided the building with stun grenades and CS gas and machine guns. The master criminals were a bit surprised and run off well limped off very fast screaming and coughing.  So by four o’clock I was heading back home in the back of a car so my diary is a bit late because I needed lots of food as they didn’t feed me all day.

Tiggy Booth-jones                   Wow Rob, sounds as if you have had quite an exciting day!!

 Well I was stuck in a room full of computers and no food.

 Tiggy Booth-jones                   Wot, no food .... and a room full of computers, and you such a young and impressionable lad ......surprised such news did not hit the News at Ten .... all we got was Carwyn Jones droning on.