Monday, 30 September 2013

China and sore thumbs

I have noticed that from time to time my blog has been read in China, there are a lot of folk in China, and it is a huge place with strange interesting cultures and strange interesting politics. You see China like all so called super powers has a paranoid political system. Now if you are reading this in China I am not being nasty because it is the same in Russia, America, Britain and Europe . . . .  It is the way of world politics.

The reason I bring this up is because I am the Slightly Eccentric Child of Cyberspace with a cyberspace based diary in several locations and it is interesting from time to time to try and work out who reads my diary and how easy it is to find my diary. So it was with great interest that I have noted that if I use a Chinese search engine to look for myself, I don’t appear to exist. Well that is not very nice. I now have to work out why the powers that be in China don’t like me, I am surely not a subversive dissident, well I don’t think I am, I have been known to grumble a bit OK quite a lot. Some think it is because my diary makes little if any sense in English and so in Chinese it might look WELL COOL, but in terms of rational reasoning with a good sub-plot where Mr Jones finally reveals he is in fact the very nice Steven Spielberg casing the diary prior to making an offer I can’t refuse . . . . . . . . Sadly NO.

I will say that one thing China is good at though is making stuff they do some seriously good quality products these days and I would recommend everyone wanting large volume and a decent price to consider some of their reputable well established companies . . . ... Do you think I might get a mention in a search engine now … OOOOooooooo go on….

I slightly singed my thumb today which for a short time was a bit sore but is OK now, I also did some scavenging and got four metal framed tables which are part of a cunning plan in recycling. What is rather annoying is at present on TV there is a program where a chap is making a super beach hut with recycled stuff. Fine but he turns up with bits of oak from the hulls of ships and aeroplane parts and old scaffold poles, now old scaffold poles are like gold dust in a place with no gold dust and a mad lady with a vacuum cleaner. So great, but us normal chaps have to run off with a large vegetable oil tin from outside the local takeaway and rusty tables with chipboard tops that need burning, resulting in a slightly singed thumb.

As the old Chinese saying goes . . . . . . .  Do not look at what you see, but see the possibilities of what you look at.

I am good at making up old Chinese saying . . . . . 


Sunday, 29 September 2013

The Ritual Feast of Autumn and the Evolutionary Development of the Pointy Stick.

Today has seen two major events to write about, well when I say major I am not referring to world events because at this point in time I have not heard the news today, so will assume that most world events are continuing as predicted (some good, lots of bad, a few happy and lots of sad)……..

No these events are in world terms Micro Events, another good reason for Micro Gods, they are more attuned to the smaller events of the individual. The first was the evolutionary development of the pointy stick; I have warned of such things in my diary in the past and how it can all end in atomic bombs and angry politicians. But this was an evolutionary development for the greater good of man. I have developed a pointy stick saw, a device for trimming trees and small branches out of the reach of mankind.

I have long thought that there is a market for a lightweight telescopic device that you could attach a wood saw or other such items to, in order to reach places that the human arm can not, but I am not aware of anything suitable. Maybe I should go on that Dragons Den TV show and show them my new pointy stick saw. I was able to use my pointy stick saw to trim a few branches that needed trimming that were hanging beyond the Zombie defence system, there is always the worry that one day Zombies will learn to climb trees or scurry about in ventilation shafts.  What ever happened to that Mr Shaft bloke he was the Mr COOL of his day before that annoying Harry Potter chap turned up.

The second major (Micro) event of the day was the Ritual Feast of Autumn where were all celebrate the success of growing our winter supply of food by having a huge feast and eating it all. . . . . . . . These events take place across Britain about now (well in rural communities anyway) and are one of the reasons for the development of the supermarket, since folk discovered they have eaten their entire supply of winter food in a celebratory feast.  Iron age man worked hard at avoiding this happening year on year by shutting down all the stone circles, but of course by then the convenience of convenience food and the rise of the supermarket had taken hold. Lets face it us humans would much rather pop into a nice store and buy stuff than all the agro of chasing a buffalo across a field with a pointy stick, even the revolutionary pointy stick saw…..

Ooooooo Yes Mr S. and Mrs I. came and helped eat all the food, which was good, and Mr S also helped me to establish North, apparently Northern Zombies are more formidable than those down South.  We now plan to chill and do the Sunday things of modern life, although it’s too late to go to IKEA.


Saturday, 28 September 2013

Diaries and Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal Events.

I have spent much of the day pottering about doing little jobs here and there, but nothing interesting or of any great devastating news. This happens from time to time or should I say quite a lot and is probably one of the main reasons why folk are not generally great at writing diaries. But I am a persistent chap which is why the very nice Mr Steven Spielberg took out the injunction to keep me away, all that talk of I have the wrong man and wearing a huge false nose and pretending to be a greengrocer in Potters Bar, he cant fool me with his cunning ways.

Now as I was saying it is not easy to write a daily diary if you are an ordinary sort of chap like myself, after all we are seldom attacked by Zombies, Mr Jones has not seen a Alien space craft in weeks, the creatures of the woods are preparing for winter and howling a bit. The pheasants are still oblivious of the fact folk will come and shot at them, despite me telling them and trying to stop them running up to humans, smiling and asking for some grain….. They are stupid birds that’s for sure.  Dad has dismantled the weather machine looking for a fault and the dog is still in the Vatican teaching maths and Latin to seabirds.

So what did I do today, well I made a special pointy stick designed to help remove apples from a rather large and very old (a really old as in seriously old) apple tree. It is a big apple tree so a special pointy stick sort of helps. OOOooooo yes a word of advice do not stand under the branch you are shaking with the pointy stick while you are actually shaking it. I bet that Isaac Newt-Man would have changed his ideas a bit if he was attacked by a large swarm of apples hell bent on causing harm to his head…

And as well as apples falling, so are the leaves so our effigy of Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal events is in position and ready for his offerings, in fact we are off tomorrow to the big village feast to celebrate the arrival of Autumnal events and the Autumn Micro Gods…

Ooooo I heard a man shouting today, he may have thought a large chicken was a Zombie, it is easily done in the Autumn evening light. I have noticed Zombies do walk a bit like chickens.    

Friday, 27 September 2013

The Pale Tussock Moth People of Tussockonium

A couple of days ago I said that the End of the World would be a result of Zombies arriving on the 1st Feb 3456 well today we have had a sign that indicates that although the date is right, particularly after the collapse of the tower of apples.  But a creature was seen walking on the apples that had formed the tower, a strange creature that can only mean that it will not be Zombies but aliens that will arrive and destroy mankind. These aliens I think will look like moths and be pale hairy beasts a bit like yeti’s only more moth shaped and from a strange planet probably called Tussockonium, so should you see any of the Pale Tussock Moth People of Tussockonium my advice would be to run away quick.

There is one defence method that may work however it has always worked with alien Moth People in the past and that is to switch on a bright unshaded light bulb, preferably not one of those stupid low energy ones as you will find you have been abducted and experimented on for at least half an hour before the light bulb is bright enough to confuse the Aliens.

It appears the one thing alien Moth People have a problem with is bright lights, apparently a throw back to their evolutionary past when they used glowing orbs in their planets upper atmosphere to navigate by, much like we use satellite navigation in cars to drive up rivers and over the edge of cliffs (the steep drop not Cliff Richard, NO you are not allowed to drive over Cliff Richard).

Ooooooo I also used a pickaxe and some black paint today but not at the same time.

It appears that the headmaster says as well as Zombie Defence Classes I may be asked by the school governors to include Alien Defence Classes just in case the End of the World turns up rather earlier than predicted…..  


Thursday, 26 September 2013

Zombies, the Incident of Politically Incorrectness and fish

Today was a quietish day all in all; it started with me tinkering with a moving mirror that did not swivel on its motorized swivel mechanism. It had been modified the other day to reduce a strange humming noise it made when it moved fast and in the process meant that it could not move slowly, it is useful that it moves slowly as well as fast. So there I was with a small poking device (a  pointy knife) poking away at part of the modification until it all worked as it should. 

Now I hear you all typing . . . . WHAT? (again) muttering things like, what is he on about this time, but a moveable mirror device is useful if you are being followed by Zombies and the like. I say like because I noticed that a certain supermarket chain has had to remove non PC (that’s Politically Correct rather than Personal Computer) Halloween outfits from their stores. Although I understand the reasoning (Silly twits at the superstore) but I do wonder if Halloween is really Politically Correct in the first place. Just think, life is hard enough if you are a Zombie, but just imagine how difficult it would be to wander about scaring little old ladies in the middle of the night while trying to remain Politically Correct. It is not in the nature of Zombies to apologize to a little old lady who has just had a heart attack, they are more inclined to eat her brain and groan a lot without a simple awfully sorry about that, do you mind If I sort of nibble your brain a bit.  Zombies have no manners.

Anyway they don’t understand mirrors and so a mirror that you can adjust to keep an eye out for them approaching is really useful as an early warning device because there is no tap on the shoulder, gentle cough and an excuse me sir, oooooo no.

 I also opened up a box of electronic bits looking for a small bios battery only to find the device does not have one . . . DAMN still it was worth a look. So the said device is all back in one piece again, although I did poke about with the small poking device (a pointy knife) well it might have helped a bit, although it didn’t

And I cut down two branches of a small tree that needed to be pruned  it was a Hazel tree and we all know what Hazel is particularly useful for besides making small fish . . . . . .Yes Pointy Sticks  . . . . . . . . . . .

Even small fish have their Plaice  . . . . . .. . . . . HAH HAH H HAH HAH AHhah ah ha hah ha hah ah ha hah hah ha ha hah ah hha hah ha ha hah ha ha ha ha ha.  

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

The End of the World and a Slight Error

A certain person has called in from his place of work; it is a place of work that deals with what can be sensitive personal data about members of the public. All sorts of stuff that must be kept secure.  Now as this is a national organisation using various IT systems to store all this data, internet and computer security is rather important, well very important, so this person was somewhat surprised today to learn of a slight error made by someone.  This was not a local error as he would then be held responsible as the local IT guru, but happened up north. Anyway it appears for reasons best known to an as yet unknown person a slight error has occurred.  

Well I say slight it appears one or two files containing sensitive personal data may have been accessible via the internet to everyone. Well I say one or two, but I may mean a few, OK I say a few but a couple of hundred sensitive files is quite a lot. So when folk start saying nearly one thousand three hundred files have been compromised due to what appears to be a grave error, the local IT guru says he is glad it is a long way off as (putting it rather bluntly) much shit will be hitting fans.  It seems that the BBC has become rather interested as well as the press and if the story takes off will not fair well for this organisations reputation. Although the local IT chap says it was not the national security systems, but someone did a very silly thing as far as he can tell.

In other news the six high apple tower still stands as the foreteller of doom and in order to appease the questioning minds of the mathematicians and men of science who read my diary the apples to the side of the apple tower have been moved away, clearly showing that the date stated yesterday for the End of the World is correct. Although for one IT man up north the End of the World may arrive sooner.

Did you notice that I managed that without once letting slip that the local IT man is in fact the Ghost Writer . . . . . . . . . . . . . DAMN… 

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

The Correct Date for the End of the World based on apples and science . . . . . .

After yesterday’s lesson on the wonders of the universe the Ghost Writer ruined everything by putting another apple on my apple tower to make it six apples high, all I can say is that it must predict the next possible End of the World.  It has been some time since we had a decent End of the World prediction date in fact the whole End of the World prediction business has sort of Ended.  I wonder if someone predicted the End of the Worlds, End of the World predict business, anyway I can start it up again now after the shock news of an apple tower taller than five apples. Even Isaac Newt-man stated that an apple will always fall at a fixed rate even if it was a largish apple up to a point (note the up to a point). You see he knew that if the apple was so large that the planet Earth was proportionally the size of an apple in comparison to the huge apple, then Earth would fall onto the apple with the same force as the small apple falls to Earth. However the small apple and Earth would both fall onto the surface of the hypothetically huge apple at the same speed, presenting the paradox that a six apple tower represents. Clearly predicting the End of the World.

So after telling everyone at school this morning that the End of the World was due in twenty five minutes it was decided that there was little point in having any maths homework. As it happens after recalculating the time and date of the End of the World, I had not thought about the diameter of the apple and its effect on Pi (HAH HAHAHH AHH AHhah ha hah ah ahha ha hahh hah ahah h hah ha) I have worked out it will now be the 1st Feb 3456 approximately when Earth will be destroyed by terrible mutant Zombies who will look just like Granny Smith.

Zombies will call this their deliciously golden era although it too will eventually crumble…… 


Monday, 23 September 2013

the Random Apple Tower experiment, the Universe and no Hamsters

As you all know I am a part-time student teacher and one of my specialist subjects is OIT Obscure Irrational Theories mainly the big ones relating to the universe, not small ones devoted to why hamsters run in small wheels. . . . . . AH as it happens that is one of the big ones but not today’s story, although the more science minded of you will see the link straight away.

Anyway today’s lesson was my first practical on OIT and I was trying to explain why galaxies spiral, much like water spirals down the plug hole. You see a spinning galaxy is in fact a huge gyroscope, and like a gyroscope, if you put it on top of a pointy stick at right angles rather than fall off the pointy stick the gravitational forces are moved to the pivot point and the gyroscope will start to rotate round the pivot. (OK I know some of you are saying WHAT?)  As you may guess some of my students got a bit confused, so I used the Random Apple Tower experiment to show them what was happening.  OK yes I know some of you have never done the Random Apple Tower Experiment (The RAT Experiment) have you (education these days it’s terrible… Hang on I’m a student teacher)


Anyway what you need is a selection of random apples from an apple tree; say anything from ten to about fifty and you have to make a tower. It is a well known fact that after a maximum of five apples the tower will fall over, the interesting point is no matter which apples or which combination you choose the tower will never get higher than five apples. Well if you cheat by using super glue or small skewers or use modern GM apples then it will but in nature the universe is the universe and cheating is not an option.  After many hours the class tried and failed to improve on a tower of five apples until Esmeralda got bored and turned the whole lot into toffee apples and the class ate the universe.

However it proved the point I needed to make about why galaxies spiral although I must admit some of the class still looked a little perplexed, so I told them to try the experiment at home and get their parents to explain it.   

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Hospitals, Peacocks and Mr M

Today turned into two hospital trips, the first of which was to look at knees on a fancy machine, it was interesting as there was a peacock striding about guarding the main entrance. It seems that peacocks are moving into hospital security and are undercutting the opposition by working for almost nothing scratching out a living as and where they can, although eating the slower patients has got the odd one into trouble. Then when we arrived in the main X ray department they were practicing (the x ray folk not the peacocks) on a small and rather bouncy dog which was somewhat a surprise.  But apparently Elvis was not a rather well known singer who has been living on the moon for some time but a small hound dog; and nothing but a hound dog. . . . HAHAHH HAH hah ah ha haha h ha hha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ha 

Anyway after we left this hospital we then went off to see Mr M at another hospital and managed to scrap a meal together by hunting under the car seats for leftovers from bygone trips into the unknown. This was because we were very early but due to a time and distance paradox going elsewhere was to put it bluntly futile….. We did have some hospital tea which was OK which was a shock although we were the only ones in the café and folk did look and shake their heads whispering things like don’t eat the pies, they might contain  . . . . . left-over bits… I quite like left over’s but not bits of left over Boris.

Mr M looked a bit better than we thought he might, and was quite chatty and rather explicit about certain things which I have added to my bucket list of things not to do before I die, one of which may involve a bucket. And Mr M was also a bit concerned about his feet, he was adamant that he only used to have the two and they were not those of a large eagle. And despite the advantages of catching small rodents, the disadvantage of ruining his socks and ripping all the sheets meant on the whole he would prefer his own feet back.

So we then made it back home just in time to decide we did not have time to do a great deal, so I have written my diary entry and armed myself with a pointy stick just in case a delirious patient from a hospital swoops down on me with his huge talons and tries to eat me after a long spell of hospital food….. 

Saturday, 21 September 2013

The Bonfire, the Dancing Owls and the Arrival of Christmas?

Today was quite a good day weather wise, being sunny and dry most of the day. Although we did get a bit of a shock when we went out to get milk at Tough Harry’s Store because lurking in the corner appeared to be a group of dark skulking beasts which at first glance appeared to be Zombies. Only as my eyes adjusted to the light in what was a slightly gloomy area of tough Harry’s, it turned out to be even worse that Zombies, because they were chocolate Santa’s . . . . . WHAT it cant be Christmas already how did that happen, maybe they are Zombies in disguise that must be it, its far more logical than Christmas in September who wants Christmas in September that is confusing.

  I had a bonfire today and finally burnt all the odd bits of tree that the men with chainsaws had to remove from the power lines rather a long time ago, it was a good bonfire and I suspect is still alight. I will go and check on it a bit later when the owls stop dancing about in the trees, I really don’t know why owls dance, I can see no evolutionary reason for dancing, particularly by owls.

I also spotted a toad being grumpy today, a butterfly eating a crab-apple and a wasp drinking lemonade. And I have been informed by powers who will remain nameless to protect them from folk going BOOOOOOO HUMBUG that the Bishops Castle michaelmas fair was not so good this year, but then I was not there drumming and that makes a big difference.

Finally our old friend Mr Michael is in hospital and not well, but bearing in mind his quirky and sometimes wild life it is not surprising  . . . . L


Friday, 20 September 2013

One Man's quest for knowledge and solving perplexing three dimensional problems.

As you all know I often put my mind to good use solving issues such as . . .WHAT IS DARK MATTER and  WHAT SHAPE IS THE UNIVERSE or HOW DID FROGS GET INTO FAIRY TALES. It is something I am sure we all do at times, it is why mankind is the way it is, the relentless quest for knowledge about stuff and all the WHY, HOW, WHAT, WHEN, CAN I EAT IT questions that life throws at us. So far I have never flinched and have taken all in my stride without even a scratch of the head going o dear not sure I know that; no I have been told be confident and go for it as if you know everything, on the grounds that if you sound like you know everything the likelihood is folk will say HE SEEMS TO KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT and believe every word you say, which is lucky because it is all dead true.

However I was tested today by one of those perplexing three dimensional puzzles that folk like to slip into a conversation about something innocent like the weather. I was asked to put together a set of shelves, not just any shelves but shelves from one of those large self assembly superstores. OK on paper it looks easy but they had already defeated the minds of others due to the cunning cross radial tensioned bracing system using rods to add strength in a way very similar to that of the humble bicycle wheel, a simple yet revolutionary idea in creating strength in a geometric form.

I was not defeated by this test and emerged from it triumphant and able to say I KNOW WHAT SHAPE SHELVES ARE, not everyone can do that…..

Sadly due to time I have been unable to find suitable shelves to take a photo of so I have taken a photo of something that is SHELF-ISH (shellfish) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HAHHAHAHHAh ah hah ah ha hah ah hah hah ah h hah ah ha ha hha ha hah ah ha hahh ah ah hahah hha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha hah 

Thursday, 19 September 2013

The rather quick Robot Post

One small step for man, One giant leap for Cardboard Robots........

AH yes . . . . . . . . I am off out tonight for a curry so all a bit of a rush . . . . . Sorry

I may return later.........

We have returned from our curry in Monty with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane, we all had our usual, we are rather predictable about our curries. I have been eating almost the same curry when I go out for a meal for nearly a million years, which is a long time, although back then they did do a rather good Pterodactyl starter which was very popular. In fact maybe a bit too popular, but it was a great party when we finally ate the last one . . .  How we laughed.

Tonight we discussed Spam not the internet annoyance that plagues the internet with instant make things bigger, make bits vanish or make loads of money doing nothing except blink at a frog once an hour on Sundays. No we talked about Spam the pork based tin of meat we all love or hate and how people either love or hate it. We then talked about family history and other stuff before finally arriving at a discussion about my diary and how it is now much longer and rather more interesting than War and Peace. However Mr Charlie and Miss Jane do not read my diary. So it has been decided I would make a friend request on FB to Mr Charlie after he drew the short straw, he drew it on his napkin like Picasso used to do when he went to restaurants. Sadly the waiter refused to accept the drawing as payment for the meal despite the fact we explained Picasso did it all the time (while he was alive, he no longer does this).

Mr Charlie is a bit of a mechanical whizz chap with many interesting and useful skills so I have explained that my diary is full of very useful information like there are no trees on the moon apparently. Dad and me are still working on a solution to this for our commercial moon flights. In the short term we are selling one way tickets since they are remarkably popular at present for trips to Mars.

Anyway I think in anticipation of Mr Charlie arriving in a blasé of glory I must say  . . . . . . Hello Mr Charlie;  Ooooooo I cant type by the way or spell so sometimes things make no sense.  

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

I SPY with my Little Eye

As tonight I have a frazzled Brain I have decided to play I SPY with an Invisible Makey-Up Person who for the rest of this diary entry will be Known as IMP

Me . . . . .   I Spy with my little eye something beginning with R

IMP . . . . A ravenous rampant Zombie

Me . . . . . No

IMP . . . . .A revolting rotten Zombie

Me . . . . . NO it is not a Zombie

IMP  . . . . Not even a rare midget Zombie

Me . . . . . . NO

IMP . . . . . .A Pirate

Me . . . . . . What?

IMP . . . . . . Pirates go Rrrrrrrrr HAR HAR HAR RRRRRRR a lot

Me . . . . . .  NO

IMP . . . . . . A Rhino

Me . . . . . . No

IMP . . . . . . A Rattlesnake

Me . . . . . . No

IMP . . . . . OK I give up I can’t see anything

Me . . . . .  LOOK it is over there it is furry, has long eyes (sorry ears) and pointy teeth and it hopping about it that field

IMP . . . . A Zombie

Me  . . . . . Look what are those small furry things

IMP . . . . .Gloves?

Me . .. . . . . . NO NO NO its RABBITS, a whole load of ******* ***** RABBITS

IMP . . . . .  O yes, so it is

You see never play I SPY with Invisible Makey-Up People they are rubbish at it.

Ooooo mum just said IDIOT . . . . I think she means IMP?

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Romantic fiction and its place in the modern school system..

I have been asked to rally the troops so to speak, as the headmaster says we are due and inspection by NASA or is it GCHQ or the RSPCA, well who ever does school inspections to assess how we are doing since we became an academy. There is talk of manipulation of figures and cooking the books by the government. This is not good, have you ever tried to eat a cooked book or even read it, it is extremely difficult particularly if boiled and someone tells you it is semolina pudding with pink icing. It is amazing just how much semolina the works of Barbara Cartland will produce, on the bright side though the school Library has no longer got a romantic fiction section.

Anyway back to the point, it appears that the Headmaster has also manipulated his statistics and has slightly lied about the number of pupils attending the school. So in order to rectify this we are going to make papier-mâché pupils to help with the pupil numbers. And just by luck the school semolina was rather unpopular seeing how it is a paper based pudding so we have estimated we can make at least 50 new pupils with it.

So we spent much of the day in the art class making robots, sorry I mean pupils out of  papier-mâché, well that was the plan; but it did not entirely go to plan. Esmeralda does not like the present school bus driver and has made a replacement one to replace him. I tried to explain it can’t drive but she reckons it will do a better job than the present one. It is not entirely his fault since pointy sticks became part of the school uniform some pupils say he might be a Zombie and are rather enthusiastic with their pointy sticks.

Freddie has spent the day making papier-mâché ferrets and we at least do have 25 new school ferrets although the headmaster says they don’t really count. Well that’s not true they can count to twenty three and a half without assistance (that’s the real ferrets not the papier-mâché ferrets).

I as a member of The Monty Cardboard Robot Club felt duty bound to do my duty and make a robot, so I did and although the headmaster said it was quite a good robot it was not going to convince the inspectors it was a pupil even if it did threaten to destroy them with its death ray and pointy stick.

Tomorrow we plan to work on plan B well I say we I mean the headmaster, he says our help was well intentioned but rubbish, personally I think it was the choice of book; romantic fiction has never really made good school pupils………. 

Monday, 16 September 2013

Dragonflies, Drums, Micro Gods, Religion and the Watchtower.......

At school today as the headmaster did his morning morale speech in the main hall to cheer everyone up there was a sudden ring of the door bell at the front entrance, this is not normal, folk usually wander in and wander about lost. So everyone looked to see who it was, well everyone except me as I was watching a dragonfly pottering about near the exit. Well the next you know was everyone running and screaming out of the hall and leaping into cupboards or hiding under tables, while most of the staff barricaded themselves into the staff room, leaving just me and the headmaster. As the headmaster peered at the two faces looking rather sheepish standing at the door holding a bible and a Watchtower (the magazine not a real one) he insisted that I could go and talk to them as I was expendable.  It appears as an unpaid part time student teacher I am surplus to requirements and my specialist subjects of Obscure Irrational Theories and Zombie Defence Classes are not core curriculum subjects. He also said that if I specialize in Zombie Defence Classes and had a pointy stick then I should be able to defend myself.

At the door I chatted to the two chaps who were dead keen to tell me loads of stuff about the bible, so I explained to them the major errors of large religions and told them all about the far better idea of Micro Gods. I was planning to show then Dragonflightimus the Micro God of Helicopters, but in the stampede Dragonflightimus the Micro God was slightly crushed to death.  You see this is what happens with religion, small things can get crushed in all the misunderstanding. So poor old Dragonflightimus the Micro God has flown her last fight but will luckily rise from the ashes next year to fly again, we are talking Micro Gods they do stuff like that, which apparently is what the two chaps with their bible and Watchtower say they plan to do also. . . . . .

Anyway tonight my drumming colleague and myself have had a well good drumming session to celebrate the local Micro Gods of Autumn, we then gave him pond plants apples and vegetables in order that he can go and offer them to his Micro Gods in the Castle of the Bishop. That’s my drumming colleague not the local Micro Gods.  

Ooooo I forget to say Mr Darren tinkered with our old range in order to make the central heating work before he rushed off after seeing two strange men on the road with an old bible who were looking into the sky for dragonflies.

Luckily I have this LP and this is one of my favourite songs....

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Climbing hills, Art and Gazebos Flying South for the Winter....

Today saw the arrival of one of Britain’s truly classic events, something that has happened as regular as clockwork (we all love a bit of clockwork stuff) since the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of Britain. Yes today saw the arrival of a cold dull damp windy Sunday, just like the old days when grown men were small and small children were told to climb the chimney because it needed a bit of a clean.  Here in the rural areas of Britain this old method was very quickly superseded by using a chicken that would be lowered down the chimney by a rope tied to its legs. It was very effective because the poor old chicken would flap about madly dislodging all the soot, it was then often eaten for Sunday dinner, but although we still eat the chicken for Sunday dinner, it is bad form these days to clean your chimney with them first. I think it is still OK to send children up a chimney but it is seriously bad form to eat them afterwards and you will not be popular.

At one point this morning our gazebo attempted to escape by flying; now gazebos are quite good at takeoff, but lack any ability to manoeuvre with any sense of dignity, and quite frankly landing it beyond them.  I can understand that a lonely gazebo having watched all the swallows fly south for the winter would be keen to join them, but they do not have a natural ability at migration and are better hibernating in a shed or the like, much like a hedgehog. Anyway the gazebo now has a sore leg and will limp from now on, dad plans to fix it like new which might mean it will turn into an albatross shaped gazebo in order to give it a fighting chance of reaching a hotter climate next year.

We also went up a steep hill this afternoon to listen to the marches choir sing madrigals and other people playing flutes and a violin. Now some of you will note, this is not really the sort of music I would normally go to, but and it’s a big but round here they do great cakes and food so I was enticed by the thought of afternoon tea with loads of local homemade cakes . . . . .  I was not disappointed they were good.

As you can tell I have returned from the top of the hill where it was rather windy at times and now plan to do traditional Sunday Evening stuff in the best tradition of British life. Which is eat more food and lie about in a dishevelled manner on a sofa pondering Life the Universe and Everything. I will forgo the usual Sunday evening television however as it is probably rubbish and instead ponder the possibilities of Cardboard sculpture and its place in British art today. As Arty folk have to be thinking arty things all the time, it is entwined in the DNA of artists.   


Saturday, 14 September 2013

The Monty Cardboard Robot Club and organizing Britain's First Commercial Rocket Flights to the Moon

Here at the Monty Cardboard Robot Club we take our Rocket building seriously, not like that Harry Potter chap, you don’t see him making rockets. There is much talk of commercial flights into space and space tourism and so we plan to have a slice of the action with our patent Steam Powered Cardboard Rocket. One of the first differences you will notice with our rocket is that you can open the window in order to be able to wave at folk during takeoff.  However it will also have a small warning sign warning passengers on our return trip to the moon that it is ill advised to open the window once in space, there will be a disclaimer about this on the ticket as we are not stupid.

Some may question making this rocket in cardboard, but it is light and robust meaning we can save fuel for the flight or squeeze a few more into economy (they don’t get a window to look out of).

However one small issue is dad has made me move wood about all day today from one place to another, which he says he needs to test the steam engine, he has suggested a wood fired steam engine so that once on the moon passengers can replenish the fuel supply from the virgin forests of the moon, which are as yet untouched by man (a chain saw will be available). I am a little concerned that if the trips became popular we might end up destroying the moons forest for ever, a very distinct possibility if we make our fortune, but sometimes in order to make an honest living we must destroy the odd forest.

Mum says we are IDIOTS and that there are no forests on the moon  . . . . . . WHAT surely NASA could not have chopped down all the trees already. You would think that they would have taken more care and made efficient spacecraft; You see what happens when you make rockets with metal they use loads of fuel…..

Mum has said IDIOTS again? 

Friday, 13 September 2013

The Return of the Curse of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Steven Spielberg and me

I noticed on the news last night that both Twitter and the Post Office seem to have decided to sell shares on the stock market, it somewhat amused me because it is a bit of a clash of technologies and philosophy. But I guess at the end of the day folk will rush out and buy which ever shares they think are the most likely to make loads of money, which in my humble opinion is neither . . . .  I guess that is not what they want to hear, but you would be far better investing in a rather strange film about a young slightly eccentric chap.

Which brings me to more shock news . . . . . . I also heard (rather ironically on Twitter) that there are plans to make a Harry Potter spin off film called something like Fantastic Beasts. I was in shock at first, I thought I had seen the last of Mr Harry Potter and His Wizard ways, sniggering at my humble steam powered spell machine. Just because if vibrated off the shelf and created its own hole in the floor to fall through before smashing to bits 15 floors lower when the boiler cooled down due to the air rushing past it as it fell. Him and all his Robsanidiotiosum Hahahaexplodious Excelentamusediam, Luckily it appears he will not be in the new film (O DEAR . . . . . . .HHAH HAHAH Hah hah ah hah ahha hhah ha ha ha ha hah ha ), poor old Harry. However,  I feel I have some good beasts right here in my own blog, what with Micro Gods and critters like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, The Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd.

If the nice Steven Spielberg had started making Rob Z Tobor the movie when I suggested we would have loads of beasts that are even better.  Still what can I say this is the way of the world for us simple ordinary folk living in the hills of the English Welsh borders, I bet I would not have this problem in Hollywood or Skegness…..

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  . . . . ..  Really, I think the answer is OVER HERE . . . . .. . . . . Mum said I am an IDIOT

Anyway I have told all the pupils in School to keep an eye out (no it’s purely a silly saying I have not told them to remove their eye, this is not Hogwarts) for folk on broom sticks, and if they do see any to test their Zombie Defence Skills with their pointy Sticks. Talking of which I can say that they are rather effective on Media Studies teachers, although it turns out the Media Studies teacher is not a Zombie. This was finally proved by Esmeralda after some vigorous interrogation which Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy would be proud of which is rather ironic bearing in mind it’s the Media Studies teacher.

Ooooooo The Monty Cardboard Robot Club have started to make a rocket……..WELL COOL.

And it rained today….


Thursday, 12 September 2013

Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy . . . . . Media Studies and a Bat

One of the things about being a part time teacher and also a pupil at our rather grand modern academy, OK I say grand it has a grand facade on the main entrance, but that is a distraction; back to the point. At present school is like a spy movie, I am a bit like Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy, if I walk into the teacher’s recreation room for a hot chocolate all the teachers stare at me and go silent. Some of them have been saying that specializing in Obscure Irrational Theories and Zombie Defence Classes are not real subjects, although I did upset the Media Studies teacher when I said Media Studies was even more useless that my subjects. And now I am starting to get the feeling that I may be being watched as I am seeing shadows lurking in corners and doorways.

In order to get into the full spy film feel I have put bugs in the headmasters office, mainly crane flies (Daddy Long Legs) as there are loads of them hiding in the hedge rows and playing dead in our house, when I say playing dead I mean dead but I was breaking the news to you gently. Which reminds me, this morning when I got up there was a tiny little bat on the carpet in our library (yes we have a library which sounds posh, but it is not really), the little bat was also playing dead rather well (again I am breaking the bad new to you gently)  . . . . . . . it was dead.  I don’t know how it got into the house or what happened to it, but some of the pupils at today’s Zombie Defence Class this afternoon said it might have been a remote control Vampire bat sent to spy on me by the Media Studies teacher who is probably a Zombie and that they will test their defence moves on him in class tomorrow. So all that had actually happened was the batteries had gone flat…… So best to think of the little beast as a Spy-bat with flat batteries rather than a cute little furry bat that is dead……. It’s a tough cruel world, I’m glad I have my trusty pointy stick……..

Surely spy movies are meant to have moles in them, not bats and media study teachers. 


Wednesday, 11 September 2013

The absurdity of violence and more pointy sticks

Today has been one of those days when many folk are reflecting on the absurdity of trying to get your own way using aggression and violence against the masses. Even if you do manage to achieve your intended goal, the one thing you can be sure of is that the masses will not be behind you in spirit, at best you will keep them suppressed until you become weak enough for them to turn the violence back on you.  Resulting in a rather short lived period of grandeur and posh living inspecting your forces and polishing weapons, while maybe wearing a general’s hat and lots of medals.  

Yes you see if you wish to build a long lasting empire it can only be done with the support of the masses and folk need to like you. I know this is a bit of a problem because one thing humans are not good at is a good rational discussion about who is right (as it happens its me) and in no time at all it’s all guns rockets and terrorism and the death of many. This happens because terrorists think they are right, but they are not . . . .  Generals think they are right, but they are not, Politicians think they are right, but they are not . . . . . . The Religious leaders think they are right, but they are not.  In fact we all think we are right . . . but we are not, well not quite all, as it is clear I know I am wrong and therefore am right…..

If we must turn to violence then all weapons should be banned except the pointy stick and then it should be limited to lightly poking folk in an irritating way to annoy them, there is no need to be more aggressive than this, you will find even the grandest politician or leader will soon come round if he is being lightly jabbed repeatedly with a pointy stick. And the great advantage to this is no one gets hurt (just irritated somewhat) and the world will be a better place with less death and destruction and no wars. Let’s face it how long can two armies jab at each other in an irritating way with pointy sticks without telling each other it is all a bit silly and going home again.   

However as we are human someone will want a pointier pointy stick or a longer pointy stick and before you know it we will be right back where we started. What we need is a new imaginative slightly eccentric leader, and luckily I am available.   

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor . . . . .VOLUME FOUR . . . . And Pointy Sticks

My desk lamp has just exploded so I am typing in the gloom, and as many of you know, although to be fair kindly don’t say anything about it, my typing is rubbish…. So typing in the dark is going to be tough…

I have slightly more time today so today is the first day of The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor   . . . . .VOLUME FOUR . . . . . . A bit late, but yes it has officially started today.

Now of course I normally start my diary with my return to school, but I have been back a week now and much has happened. You see I’m no fool I am doing what that Harry Potter did make sure something happens at school, otherwise the nice Mr Spielberg will fall asleep and then that will be the end of the movie deal…… OK right yes . . . .  Esmeralda has become Head Girl after persuading the governors with a pointy stick that it was an excellent idea, as no one is going to argue with her.  For some reason Esmeralda with a pointy stick seems to be far scarier than I am, in fact she is far scarier even without the pointy stick.

In order to avoid the mistake of last year where I was made head boy my name was removed entirely from the list of pupils this year, however it was accidently added to the list of teachers, so this year I am a budding student teacher specializing in Obscure Irrational Theories about the Universe (OIT as it is known) and Zombie Self Defence classes. I say Zombie Self Defence classes this does not mean I am teaching Zombies despite what the headmaster says, but I am teaching pupils to defend themselves against such beasts. As it happens I have a diploma in Zombiology after writing my thesis. . . . The Urban Zombie in the Modern Superstore.  The Head Master who everyone thought would shout about my part time teaching post was in fact quite pleased but only because I do not get paid because I am still technically a pupil . . . . . . DAMN.

Anyway I have managed to get the pointy stick officially added to the official school uniform now,  well I say I, as it happens Esmeralda persuaded the governors after a short meeting where she demonstrated the pointy sticks qualities……

Ooooooo  yes I bought some magic beans today, waved at a refrigerator and gave the Ghost Writer and Mrs Ghost Writer directions on the best and quickest way to get around a large building with many corridors with many people in them who are mainly lost, they apparently are still using my early map with the small errors. It appears that the Ghost Writer said I’m an IDIOT after they arrived in the boiler room late this afternoon. . . . .  

Anyway welcome to Volume Four (The Return of the Pointy Stick).

Monday, 9 September 2013

Three and Three Quarter Minutes to Midnight and the Doomsday Book

 Today is the continuing saga of volume three and three quarters, which is the cyber-diary equivalent of one minute to midnight. As it happens I am not sure what the official minutes to midnight state is at present, so I will check . . . . . .

OK it is five minutes to midnight so it appears my diary is closer to becoming doomed that the world is. This is good for almost everyone except possibly me, as I am rather dependent on my diary in order to continue to exist, yes life is all a bit complex as the slightly eccentric child of cyberspace.

Anyway today I went on a long journey to the south, much like the swallows and then I went on long journey back to the point I started, unlike the swallows, but in doing so all is hopefully better than it was before I went on long journeys. The Ghost Writer did a grand selection of IT things today although he did spend much of his time in a state of confusion talking to clever people on a phone (they were not standing on the phone)…..

I hope to start the Official Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor volume four in the next few days all being well, but time and the arrival of autumn are not helping matters…….    

Oooooo the Daddy Long Legs seem to be reducing in numbers now so that is good, they are remarkably silly beasts.....


Sunday, 8 September 2013

Moving things and 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 of everything

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (volume three and three quarters) continues for now because of things that are beyond my control, and as it happens almost 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 of everything in the universe that happens is out of my control. Meaning this is in fact the normality for myself; and everyone else.

Yesterday I was unable to write my diary because of the day’s events which involved the tweaking of various things for a wedding party for Mr S and Mrs I.  It was a bit blustery and there is nothing more annoying that having a party and then a large gust of wind running off with your marquee, lights, tables and chairs. Actually the marquee, table and chairs belong to the village, but residents have access to them which is a cool idea in a small village. As for the lights well one thing we do have in abundance is fairy lights.

So yesterday afternoon and early evening we had a very chilled and happy wedding party in the garden where folk smiled and ate food, looked for apples, and pretended they were Michael Jackson disguised as Spiderman. While the Ghost Writer tried to put on inappropriate music for folk to listen too such as the Tiger Lillies singing naughty songs.

Today Mr S, Mrs I and Mr K came to help dismantle everything as the Marquee is off to pastures new in a few days, so we all whizzed about and left the garden such that no one would ever know of yesterday’s events.  And I am quickly writing my diary as we will be off out shortly to move other things for other people . . . . . So as I have said before I WILL RETURN SOON….  

I AM BACK . . . . . . Yes I have returned having moved stuff, it makes me realize that I would be much happier as a hunter gatherer like in the iron-age or before, because back then you got to chase animals with a pointy stick, make a fire, eat the animal and a few berries, paint the odd picture on a cave wall, and then move on to a new spot. Life was simple and did not involve a myriad of complexities involving moving stuff. OK yes I do like stuff, ask those who know me and they will say Oooooooo that Rob has stuff with stuff in it and loads of it, but the key point to my stuff is it does not move about. Ok some of it does which explains why I can’t always find it, but when it is your own stuff it is psychologically lighter and easier to move that doing it for other folk. Back in the pre iron-age I would have just waved mu pointy stick at the other folk grunted and made rude gestures  . . . . . . . . AH hang on I still do that . . . . . . DAMN.

I took pictures of the marquee in the dark last night, but by then all the folk had run off, and a post marquee picture to show that all is as if nothing happened, so that passing swallows heading South will be unaware of how far I have evolved from being a iron-age man…….