I HAVE RETURNED . . . . . . . so be afraid

Well I have returned to the surface after an interesting Journey to the centre of the Earth, well almost the centre of the Earth it was not exactly as we planned things at school but it has been very interesting. It was a bit of a shame that some of the younger members of the school party were sacrificed, but the light show was excellent and it was their own fault for looking for Santa instead of remaining focused on the quest at hand.

So I have seen many things and meticulously recorded it all for posterity, well when I say meticulously I mean I sort of scribbled notes at the end of the day on parchment paper and sweet wrappers. This was due to a lack of appropriate available technology to hand, so it means I will need to write up the events so that the world will know of our adventures, when I say write up I of course refer to the Ghost Writer; he will need to write it all up because he is the Ghost Write, it is his job. Actually it is not his real job as in do work get paid; it is his do work then grumble that he has done all the work and did not get paid. I have said once I am rich and famous I will pay him then . . . . . maybe

Our return trip had to be done all in one go what with the trouble with the strange subterranean native tribe who went from all friendly (OK there was the sacrifice) to not friendly and chasing us with rocks and squishy sea creatures. So we have travelled many hundreds of miles today all up hill to reach the surface of planet Earth and the light of the sun rather than the unnatural light of a huge subterranean cavern complex lit by luminous algae on the cavern ceiling. Yes yes it did look a bit like the sky but I can assure you this was many hundreds of miles underground.  

The dog is pleased to see me, he had a bet with dad that I would return alive so he has won, dad is a bit disappointed as he said my bedroom would have made a great office and he now owes the dog five hundred pounds. He does blame the headmaster however as he had told dad that Professor Hardwigg was totally mad and it was a dead cert we would all end up dead.

It also appears that the farmers have got wind of the cows tunnelling exploits and are planning to fill them all in tomorrow. Interestingly it appears it was dad that told the farmers a few days ago and he was really keen that they got on with it. He even offered to split his winning with them from his bet with the dog, but it appears it has been too wet in the last couple of days to do it.

Oooooo I forgot to mention I had a stowaway in my bag, it was the chicken, like all chickens he is a great lover of a good adventure.

Away I am BACK . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . HAH HAHAHH HAH HHAH hah ah hah ahhah hahahah so be afraid very afraid . . . . . . . . . . . .. 

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I'm Just going for a little walk, I may be some time (I will return soon well sort of)

Thursday evening and I am preparing for my school trip A Journey to the centre of the Earth. Those of us going got to watch the pupils who are going on the luxury skiing trip in the Swiss Alps as their school trip headed off in the luxury coach, we all waved and cheered but they didn’t seem to notice. Well the headmaster did, he waved and looked really happy. I asked him earlier in the day why he was not coming on the school trip to the centre of the Earth and he said Professor Von Hardwigg the geography teacher is totally mad and you are all likely to die. I think he was just trying to wind me up, but I am looking forward to going and will spend tonight reading my book ‘A Journey to the Centre of the Earth, The IDIOTS Guide to Dangers and Pit Falls’. Apparently some of the pit falls are rather deep, the Geography teacher told us that it is not a mamby pamby school trip and stragglers and the injured will be left by the wayside in the true tradition of exploring.

  

So this is it my last diary entry until I emerge from the depths of the Earth to the flashing lights and front page headlines of glory fame and fortune. Thinking about it I have not asked the teacher exactly where we will be emerging because once you are at the middle it is about the same distance in every direction to the surface.

OK then chaps tally ho and pip pip we will see you the other side of our adventure in the future. It’s OK, it will not take that long, after all it can’t be that far. ............... AH

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The Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia and the Trips of Electricity

We had an uneventful day at school today, the geography teacher was warning us of some of the possible dangers of our journey to the centre of the Earth. Interestingly I knew all about one of them because we had them in the cellar of our old house so was able to tell the geography teacher how to escape from The Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia. So I got bonus points for being smart, and have now been told I get to fight all the nasty man eating beasts during the trip as I have experience of these things . . . . . . WELL COOL I think? Mum has said IDIOT . . . . . .

Meanwhile back at home dad has been doing battle with the electrics on the house which are a bit strange because they were having one there their days when they trip the main trip loads. It appears that as the solar panels kick in to generate power then the main trip kicks out so the solar panel system then goes on stand by. You see it needs to see the national grip or it just sulks. What was weird is that if two of the light circuits were turned of it was fine, but if the solar panel system was turned off everything else was fine. How if this fault was consistent we could shake our heads and say that’s the thyristor-controlled induction matrix ooooooo that can be expensive and tut a lot, but it is not consistent and will happy all work together for another week or more before it does it again. So dad jumped up and down a lot and waved his hands about (now I know where I get that from) and threw rocks at seagulls but missed.

I have interestingly finally discovered exactly what goes bump in the night, after many years of investigation. It was all very interesting because in the end after all the hunting for the thing that goes bump in the middle of the night it just sort of bumped into me . . . . . . What a funny old world we live in.

Finally I have reason to believe the cows may not be happy about the school trip to the centre of the Earth (I told the dog not to tell them) as they have started to make a barrier to stop us entering their tunnel system, you know what cows are like with their tunnels. 

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The anomalies of the British class structure, a ferret and a power drill

Sometimes life throws up little things that under normal circumstances you don’t notice, today was such a day as the school slowly arranges things for the forthcoming school trips. There I was with Freddie and his ferret trying to dry out Esmeraldas damp electro-mechanics (it rained today loads) when Young Tarquin,   Octavia, Peaches and Fabien stopped to see how things were going in preparation for the Journey to the Centre of the Earth. I said we have all been supplied with a genuine all plastic mac that folds up to the size of a mouse in case we meet undergrounds waterfalls and the like, and a set of billy cans made of Aluminium including the mug, I hate tin mugs they always get hot burn your lips when you fill them with hot tea.

They were saying they are going on the skiing trip to the Swiss Alps and have been to inspect the luxury air conditioned coach to ensure it is adequate for the trip.  And Octavia’s daddy has insisted on first class cabins on the ferry, so the headmaster has sorted that out.  Peaches has also had a word with her personal ski instructor in San Moritz and he will pop over to help teach the pupils.

We get to walk to the entrance tunnel and have been excused school uniform while on the open road on grounds that we are a scruffy bunch and a bad image for the schools new academy status. Come to think about it I don’t remember seeing when Young Tarquin, Octavia, Peaches and Fabien before we became an academy and I’m sure they are the only ones wearing straw hats with their school uniform, well them and the headmaster and Jasper. Anyway they started to tell Esmeralda that Jasper’s father is sending the family cook on the trip to ensure that the food is up to scratch, which is strange because we said we were taking packets of pork scratching also. They then made the mistake of trying to explain the difference between pork scratching and gourmet cuisine but about half way through the explanation Esmeralda fitted her interchangeable easy clip on power drill attachment, so poor old Tarquin may require a bit of physiotherapy before he ski’s or he is going to go round in circles. Esmeralda goes round in circles at times, but sadly does not have a personal physiotherapist so is dependent on the one at the vet after she attacked the local hospital receptionist who tried to explain she was forth in the list but it might be a few hours before she was seen.  

According to the geography teacher all this class structure will melt away when we reach the centre of the Earth and fame and glory will follow because if there is one thing greater than class its celebrity. Trouble is the geography teacher is stark staring mad although he does sound a bit like the Lemmings of Petrograd at times……

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A Journey to the Centre of the Earth, a field trip

The geography teacher (the mad professor) is planning a trip at the end of the week for everyone in my year, it will take some time, and we will all be completely out of contact with the rest of the world for a while. Most of the pupils do not want to go but there are two school trips the first a skiing trip in the Swiss Alps which costs three thousand and twenty eight pound.  The second school trip the geography teachers is a Journey to the Centre of the Earth and costs thirty seven pound and eight pence; so all the parents have opted for the geography teacher’s trip. I think the headmaster was a little surprised but after a survey of reasons it appears that the main reason for parents choosing this option was that all children are spoilt brats, and we are in a recession . . . . .NOT FAIR. As it happens I am rather pleased I am on the second option it sounds far more exciting than being stuck on a mountain covered in snow.

Today we did a field trip to a field, but not just any field it is the field next to my house where the cows are tunnelling. Apparently the cows have opened up a route into a labyrinth of caves which the geography teacher is convinced will lead us all the way to the centre of the earth which he hopes to claim for Great Britain.

It was a very promising field trip because the teacher, Professor Von Hardwigg has long believed that life exists below he surface he says because it is rather warm (we have been warned to wear summer clothing) this life may have an almost crusty skin that might look similar to the bark of a tree.  So we were amazed to see as we approached the tunnel entrance a creature that fitted the teachers (Professor Von Hardwigg) description almost perfectly watching us from behind a hedge (no the creature does not look like the teacher).  We tried to follow the creature but it ran off past the cows and down the tunnel. We were not allowed to follow because starting at the end of the week we will be heading off down into the huge labyrinth of caves and tunnels for several days and the teacher says it would not be advisable to disturb them early.   Professor Von Hardwigg the teacher says if it all goes to plan it will make a great film and he will finally get his Nobel Prize for science rather than the science world pointing and sniggering at him, sadly the science world can be a bit like that…..

Anyway you have been warned I will be out of contact travelling towards the centre of the world at the end of the week.

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