Wood, steam and meteors (abbreviated)

Dad has built a huge steam powered mutant man eating parrot (no the parrot does not eat mutant men) he said his plan was to use it to protect Captain Flint who as most of you will not know is the parrot who insists he is at least five hundred years old and knows where the gold is hidden. Anyway no one will nick Captain Flint now that’s for sure.

I was helping the Ghost Writer shift stuff today and as a reward was given another wooden desk and a load of wood shelving, wood is good you should always hang on to any that is being thrown out . . . .  after all as the old saying goes Wood does not grow on trees you know . . . . . . AH OK it does but that is not the point.

Anyway due to my good deed helping the Ghost Writer and then myself and my drumming colleague drumming, we were drumming in the meteor showers which are due tonight, plus the fact I am about to go and shout at the meteors, (I do like to shout at meteors as it is good luck) tonight’s diary entry is rather short and will end rather abruptly any second now. No I mean it, I must go and look at the sky…..

So bye

The Perils of life as a Parrot.

It appears that Sam the Parrot has been stolen from his home at Harry Tuffins Superstore in Churchstoke which may not seem like devastating news, but around here he is known to almost everyone, partly because he shouts at you when you enter the supermarket. In the old days he was free range and would laugh and bounce about as he snipped another finger off some unsuspecting small child, well he is a parrot after all.

Now there are some thefts in the world of crime that are just seen as bad form such as stealing from small children and little old ladies, as Benny Neckbender would say ITS not right stealing stuff from someones granny and such things are frowned on badly by decent upstanding criminals. However one of the lowest of the lows in this world of moral conflicts is stealing a mans parrot, since the days of pirates on the high seas it has been taboo to steal parrots and will result in bad karma (like seriously bad Karma). So if you are reading this and have a nicked parrot then I would say best to hand it back or Napoleon Beelzebub will be turning up saying WHOSE A pretty boy then something you really don’t want to hear from Satan.

The Ghost Writer however has a different theory, well he has two . .. . the first is :-

Not so long ago the Co-op took over the supermarket but not the whole of the building, so could not get rid of the parrot,  It is not in keeping with the multinational corporate image they like to portray to the masses and so they have hired a hit man to bump off the parrot. Possibly the famous hit man known to the world as, The Jackdaw like in the Movie……The Day of the Jackdaw.

The second theory is:-

Late at night in the dark; Harry Tuffins Superstore was in fact broken into by aliens. Since the store was empty there was no one to communicate with in the dark as they grabbed provisions then a voice said TAKE ME to your leader, well we all know Sam the Parrot loves to talk but saying take me to your leader to an Alien is foolish indeed. So Sam will be on an Alien Spacecraft somewhere.

Ooooo yes there is one further point to make and that is this is not the first time Sam has been stolen but last time the thieves were caught when Sam told the pet shop owner they were trying to sell him too that he was in fact Sam the Parrot and needed some help pronto.

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Professor YAFFLE, the dog and the YORSH

The letter Y, which I should have thought about Yesterday; Yet I didn’t, Why? Well Yesterday was Yesterday and like yourselves I thought You will think of something, your young youthful brain will be like that of a Hawk….Yarak (in good condition for hunting). But instead it is yarling (wailing; howling), I am sure tomorrow when I look back at yesterday (today) I will think yes your mind finally yielded a good yarn, but I am not there YET. The dog has just added “Yo ho ho and a bottle of Yorsh. O dear, if he is drinking that he will be well out of it.

The dog also says we could go and hunt yapok (an amphibious opossum of South America) in the yarpha (peat-bog) with a yataghan (a long curved knife) but I have said it might be easier just to Yell or yodel in the Yard. As it happens Captain Flint the Parrot is already in the yard shouting “Man the yardarm I spy yonder yawl (ship's small boat; sailboat carrying mainsail and one or more jibs) Ooo no its just a yuppy yacht…. Yah……….. HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR”

Dad is using yeast to create a ylem (in alchemy, substance from which the elements developed) and says if it works he can turn all the yoyo’s into gold but mum said IDIOT.............  Yes true but rather helpful.

It also appears the Yorsh has got the better of the dog and Captain Flint the Parrot because they are summoning up the dead (OK a deceased Norwegian Blue Parrot) with their new mate the yaffingale  (a Green Woodpecker). They have named him Professor yaffle  after you know who, and the dog is telling him “You’re my best mate in all the world You are”, but that’s Yorsh for you.

I can see someone yawning now so I will go ……. Yippee. 

Oooo what's in the dirty old bottle........

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The Famous Architecture of the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA

It has been perishingly cold today with persistent petulant piercing rain penetrating the pores of the poor folk walking their Pekinese in the park, it was predicted so why they have to punish themselves is rather peculiar, and the Pekinese looked perished and puffed out anyway.

In school today we were discussing the principles of Architecture and in Particular the Famous Perplexed Pineapple Pagoda of Persia built by the Prince of Persia in the 15^th century at the Peak of his powers.  It is apparently known as the Perplexed Pineapple because of the polymorphic plebeian perpendicular pitched pillared pivoting Staircase that penetrates the Pineapple Pagodas prestigious Crown. The dog incidentally says “Poppycock and I could write what I know about Architecture on a piece of paper the size of a peanut in big letters”. All I can say is POOOOOO, the dog is just a posy protagonist, what the dog fails to take into account is all the readers know less that I do about the Famous Perplexed Pineapple Pagoda of Persia. And anyway If that very nice Steven Spielberg is going to make the block buster movie (sorry the sequel to the block buster movie) then a prestigious panoramic location is a priority.

Interestingly the PERPLEXED Pineapple Pagoda was built as a Pigeon Loft for the princes prized POISONOUS PERUVIAN PUFF PIGEONS who would Promenade importantly in the pinnacles of its crown. Mr Plant the Architecture lecturer said it was quite plausible that the Pagoda was built as a pleasure facility and………..

It was at this point that the lesson came to an abrupt halt when Esmeralda’s pyrotechnics’ panicked the pupils and they pushed out of the doors towards the Pub for a pork Pie. It was all a bit chaotic until Peter the landlord of the Pub started playing his bagpipes……. A sort of Pie Piper…… Mmmmmm I have always wondered where the meat in his pies came from???......... ……. ……. ……YUM

Ooooooo by the way Captain Flint the Parrot says “Pieces of Eight ……… Polly needs a Poo”

So much for the principles of good taste……. really 

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XANTHOCHROISM and an X (rayed) Parrot

Dad was xperimenting with Xanthic acid, Xylostein and Xanthoxylene to make X ray Specs while mum was doing Xylopyrography. The dog however kept saying this X letter is a Bxxxxxxxxx Fxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx Nuisance……. You will have to Xcuse the use of the X but it is for the best (No it really is today).  Dad has been using Captain Flint the Parrot as a  guinea pig, and has told Us This is an X(rayed) Parrot, and both him and the dog are rolling about in Hysterixxx’s (yes yes but we need all the X’s we can get).

He will be telling us it has Xpired, become xstinct and so on in a bit

I decided to be a Xylotomist today and practice the noble art of Xylotomy. In order to work out the exact age of the big oak tree with the big X on it. According to Captain Flint the Parrot the Big X marks the spot of buried treasure, but then Captain Flint the Parrot would say that. The vet says Captain Flint the Parrot is suffering from a bit of Xanthochroism but Captain Flint said  Stupid XXXXXXXX VET, that’s Just what you might X Pecked from a Vet ………… X Pecked HAH HAHHAHh hah hah haha hah ahah haha hah haha hah hhah ha Pieces of Eight.

Well at least no one mentioned the X men and the Xylophonist ……………………….. AH I just did XXXXXX

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We three kings of orient are a lovely slowly roasted dinner due to a translation error

I have been asking Napoleon Beelzebub about Santa and Satan looking rather similar and how both are into red in a big way and Mr Beelzebub said HO HO HO LITTLE BOY AND what would you like for Christmas before both him and the dog fell about on the floor in hysterics. Yes mum did say IDIOTS.

Anyway Christmas Eve is a time of Christmas carols and interesting stories so Captain Flint the Parrot who is very very very old, and I mean very old at least five or six hundred years, has been telling us about a tribe in his native South American forest and how their ancestral song ended up as a Christmas carol.

It appears the tribe were cannibals, I know not nice, but these things happened back in the old days, and Captain Flint said the tribe would attack other tribes and run off with the juicy ones and eat them in a big festival with roast chestnuts and hang their clothes above the open fire as they slowly roasted their dinner (OK YUK). As time passed European Missionaries arrived and said hang on this is not nice you cant do that so they (the tribe) tried eating the missionaries, but they tasted really YUK to the tribe. It was the high wheat diet of the Europeans, all that bread and hard ships biscuits, and it turned out the tribe was allergic to wheat, what with there being none in the jungle.

Then on this very night hundreds of years ago three kings from the east arrived who had followed a star, and they came bearing gifts having travelled over field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star until they arrived in the deep forest. The tribe who now realized eating Europeans was a bad move said Hello who are you then and the three Kings said We’re three kings of Orient are but due to a terrible error in translation it was translated into Wheat Free Kings of Orient are, and so on Christmas day all those hundreds of years ago the tribe had a delicious meal of three kings. The ornate stockings that the kings were wearing hanging in the branches above the fire filled with the gifts that they brought with them.  

The tribe wrote a song in celebration and as the kings were from the orient the song became a victim of Chinese Whispers and the rest as Captain Flint the Parrot said is History.

And so with Captain Flints Christmas tale (the story not his tail) we all wish you a happy Christmas, unless you are watching the rerun of the block buster movie in August ……… mum just said IDIOT now. HO HO HO.  

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my first Christmas tip this year is don’t hide chocolate in a Badger set, or jelly babies or cheese.

It has been a very wet day indeed, so it is good to know our new wooden bungalow has not floated away down the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence which remained very minor, I think that because we are at the source of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence it is unlikely to turn into a torrent unless the climate changes so much that Captain Nessman of the High Seas old sparring partner, Mr Gore will leap about going SEE SEEE I TOLD YOU Ha AH HAH HAHHA HAHAHAH HAHAH HAHAHAH HAH.

At which Point Captain Nessman will tie him to the anchor of his trusty pirate ship (that’s Captains Nessman pirate ship not Mr Gores) and as Captain Nessman of the High Seas would put it make Al kiss the Algae.

It is now two week until Christmas day and we have started to decorate the house, and one advantage of being where we are is there is loads of holy with berries on and conifer trees so plenty of greenery. One disadvantage of where we are is as dad said earlier where the hell are the Christmas Decorations, Christmas Lights and the rotating steam powered musical whistling Christmas tree with the fairy armadillo on the top that sings Waltzing Matilda like Rolf Harris. I think mum destroyed that when we move house but dad does not know that and mum said she I will be in trouble if dad finds out so not to write about it ……………. AH. Mum has said IDIOT again.

I would normally stash my Christmas presents in the cellar but this year we don’t have a cellar, the dog thought that the Badger set might do as a substitute but I have discovered it is fine for some items but not chocolate. So my first Christmas tip this year is don’t hide chocolate in a Badger set, or jelly babies or cheese.  My second tip would be do not try and get you’re rather nice vintage mature cheddar cheese back from a gang of badgers who have you surrounded in a badger set once they have got you’re cheese in their claws.   

The haul of Silver Treasure, MI6, The CIA and the secret service. Plus and the grumbling Parrot.

Typical as we head back to school on the school bus, the sun is shining and the sky is blue and it is nice and warm. Although having said that Miss Elaine has said via the miracles of the internet that she is going into hiding as a tornado is due (the windy stuff not the jet fighter ……I think?). The dog always compares such things as this to throwing toast on the floor (Sorry accidently dropping).

The dog and I even tested this by accidently dropping loads of toast on the floor and every single bit landed butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter side down. Mum then shouted at us even though I explained it was an experiment and I ended up with no toast and going to school hungry while the dog ate all the toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter on the floor …… NOT FAIR. Luckily I did hide a few bits in my shirt for lunch time although I was rather sticky and was attacked by wasps at break time. So I had toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter sandwiches with eye pie and pork scratching jelly for pudding, its well yummy especially the crunchy bits.

When I got home the dog, and the Ghost of Steven Spielberg were sun bathing, can a ghost sun bath? Anyway that is a distraction, Captain Flint the Parrot was complaining that someone had found all his silver hidden in his pirate ship at the bottom of the sea and he had given me the treasure map to look after, and now look what had happened. Funnily I have not seen the treasure map since Pirate Pete left on his adventure with Rusty the Six Legged Steam Powered Dog that dad made.

The Dog thinks that Pirate Pete sold the map to MI6 and the CIA so he could buy a flash ship like Captain Nessman of the High Seas has. And the Secret Service has invented a cover story to run off with Captain Flint the Parrot’s stash of Pirate gold and silver. Even mum thinks it is very likely so it must be true. The Parrot said he plans to take MI6 to court to get his booty back (that’s the silver not his shoes). But dad says if he tries he will end up with concrete booties and a trip to the lake so best to stay mum (that’s as in quiet not become a mum, he’s the wrong sex).

Well that’s it now; a squawking complaining parrot all night even with a pile of extra Brazil nuts.

The Cat. The Parrot. The Red Vampire Monkey and the man from the RAC

It is not easy to write this when Sooty the Cat is trying to lick my hands at the same time. Why don’t cats understand that typing requires at least one working hand? I am not Captain Flint the Parrot I am not able to write with my beak.  Captain Flint can write 30 words a minute but only in parrot; I will let him have a go now

Aafkj ‘ I ihg g lkhkhjuyo riyyeryr b  gwyroyt  squawk  eitij j jjk  pieces dmg  oko of o k  jme ight HA  r AAH ra a har har har dadmln nfn ahrrhh sfmjht;js hgn trqc   gl gh Brazil Nutttss   fj jkrj kjfk jfkj

As you can see unless you’re a parrot it does not make a lot of sense although I do know it involves food because Parrots tend to think about food a lot, much like the cats and the dog and me and dad.

I have spent the day in the cellar moving other rubbish that has been revealed from under the mountain of computers, most of which mum and dad had forgotten they had. It appears it is a traditional house moving pastime, looking at all the stuff you put in boxes when you moved previously but subsequently never opened. Dad said that’s useful I didn’t know I still had that and has taken things out of one box and put them in a new box to take with us when we move so it can be stored safely in the new cellar. Apparently we don’t have a new cellar O DEAR.

The dog has been back in the woods looking for more aliens despite the fact the alien is a man in a caravan with a granny that makes mad jumpers he even arrived back home with an arm of what he said was an alien. But it turned out to be one of the arms of a life size Ronald McDonald again which was covered in barbeque sauce and pond weed. Mum thinks the dog is just keen to meet aliens rather than campers in caravans. Maybe I should ask dad to make a steam powered alien to roam through the streets with lasers and death rays shouting Exterminate all humans and take me to your leaders. Maybe not it reminds me of the 500ft sausage story all over again and look what happened that time.  

The ghost writer got a another present today from Miss Sally of our favourite eating place Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café it was a Red Vampire Monkey, well cool, he gets some interesting presents bearing in mind he is a grumpy old git.

 And finally  a sort of by the way as it happens sort of event, a man from the RAC phoned up dad to flog him insurance a short time ago but apparently he was far too nice and as dad put it; did not have the killer instinct, and was very nice but rubbish. 

The famous quotations of ordinary people. Rain and Frogs

I keep missing words and making spelling mistakes at present well OK most of the time really but after a spell of not being quite so bad I seem to have got worse again. I am very sorry about that. Today has been very noisy at the house, a gang of men turned up and dug up a driveway opposite us and parked their tractor and trailer across the bottom of our driveway much to the irritation of mum and dad.

Anyway we have got round the problems and I took my voodoo lucky charm with the shrunken head and showed it to the men doing the work and told them if they didn’t stop working and went away that they would all be washed away by torrents of rain and large frogs. The men doing the work all laughed and carried on blocking us in, well up until the torrential rain started and large frogs started leaping at them, which forced them into a tactical retreat; (that’s the workmen not the frogs, frogs never make tactical retreats). Dad said they looked as organised as cross-eyed moorhens PLAYING A game dominos against Aligators. Anyway they are gone now, much like the moorhens.

Darren the Boiler Man also came today to service the boiler which he has done for years now ever since I was as Auntie Karen would say KNEE HIGH TO A KNEE. She also says the Grimble-Spin is a full width wider that the doorway, mark my words young Rob. And the spirit level is three rums south of thirty degrees, I think Captain Nessman may have told her that one.

Darren did his bit and left, he said he had a wheel to attach to a car for a man who was grass track racing it tomorrow, as the wheel fell of yesterday when someone was stress testing the car and applied just a bit too much stress. As he said the point of no return is the point when you need to return or the wood shed will be empty for winter. Darren always says that when the wheels fall off cars.

It’s been a long holiday.  Well it feels like it and me and Mercedes said to mum we are bored now but we both ran away very fast before mum could throw stuff at us. I could hear mum saying the Statue sings but the pigeons still sit on its head and ********. Captain Flint added pieces of eight, where are my Brazil nuts and the dog said  quidquid excusatio prandium pro.  Mum has just said the IDIOT runs in circles on the high wire. I tried that once but I fell off. 

The waterfall and the ladder

Chris the Builder came to see us today to sort out a problem with the hot water system, Dad said typical that after 15 years a problem happens when someone actually buys the house. It was only a little problem; well it was until I gave Chris the Builder the bucket with the hole in to drain the water into so that we had this really cool looking waterfall in the kitchen. Mum said IDIOT I think she meant me not Chris the Builder.

I blame dad he has a habit of keeping buckets with holes in and says they might come in useful one day, mum said he was an IDIOT too but if we do ever need a bucket with a hole in we have loads of them. I know that because I had to find one with no holes in and it took ages. Mum then said I had to mop up the waterfall so I was very busy for quite a while and it didn’t help having the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog standing under a umbrella saying you missed a bit all the time and pointing.

Anyway it all turned out OK in the end and everything is working just as it is meant too now and Chris the Builder ran off with a pair of Puffins that came from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for his wife. The have just returned from an island which had puffins on it and he said they kept walking over him which the warden said was very unusual, but puffins can be very friendly to builders. It has something to do with the fact that they both peer down holes in the ground a lot and shake their heads.

Mum and dad said as a penance I had to weed the big rock face in the garden so I was at the top of a ladder swaying about trying to attack the weeds. Normally climbing about on rock faces and up ladders is easy-peazy but the ladder had to be in the muddy pond to reach the rock face so was not exactly very stable. The dog and Rusty had a five pound bet on which way I would fall but I didn’t so they were a bit disappointed but nether of them lost any money so they were happy until mum told them off for gambling. At which point they both had to hand their five pounds over to dad because he bet them mum would tell them off for gambling, but mum hit dad with the armadillo toaster and confiscated the ten pounds from dad saying Gambling does not pay. Everyone else disagreed with that because mum was ten pounds better off as a result of gambling and she didn’t even have to place a bet, but mum said IDIOTS to everyone then. Dad tried to place a bet on mum saying that but everyone said it was a dead cert so no one would take his bet. Although somehow Captain Flint the Parrot managed to win a weeks supply of Brazil nuts from the one of Jims film crew on the very same bet. 

Captain Nessman of the High Seas, and Mercedes and the Financial Times

After seeing Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker yesterday I was pleased to hear from Captain Nessman of the High Seas he is doing extremely well. Although it was a short message and he said he was learning Chinese and his plans are all going as planned which is what is meant to happen with plans. He is in a new world although I am not sure where it is.  

Back in Montgomery I have been sat on top of the big hedge again cutting it, in fact I had several pallets on the top so I could walk up and down to cut the edges, Mercedes could see me on top of the hedge from Mr Jenkins side of the hedge so she came round and helped by cutting the lawn saying that the workers must maintain unity in the face of creeping corporate capitalism (I don’t think that was a reference to the hedge growing). It did not help that both the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog were sat in deckchairs watching us while reading the Financial Times and texting Mercedes’s dad about stocks and shares and investment portfolio’s.  In the end Mercedes ran over the Financial Times with the lawn mower and called the dogs Capitalist ************ dogs to which they said WOOF and fell about laughing. Mercedes said they were IDIOTS.

After Captain Nessman being in contact and the comments yesterday about a deceased budgie Pirate Pete is pining for the fjords and told us all he plans to return to sea and new adventures somewhere in volume two of my diary. Captain Flint the Parrot is complaining now he says that the references to a deceased parrot are in bad taste and we should have used the spam sketch.

Jim is still exploring the woods with his film crew although apparently several more of them have been eaten; Jim blames the mix up on Transatlantic English Language and the wildlife in the wood appears to all speak old English and for some reason don’t like him and the film crew. It does not help that the film crew have taken to driving about in the Hummer again because they find the woods scary. Mercedes has said Jim has turned into a brash Hollywood Capitalist ********* and says he is an IDIOT. Mum says she likes Mercedes and agrees that Jim is an IDIOT although the dog has pointed out he has very talented Hamsters.  

The African Queen, Captain Flint the Parrot and the supermarket.

Are not computers complex beasts; and as someone who lives inside the universe of cyberspace, the space created within the complex structure that computers create when all linked together then I do think I am in a good position to judge. It is all a bit like Doctor Who really where the space in the box is greater than the external physical dimensions of the box.

The Einstein Cube is all a bit like that too and as I said a long time ago it achieves all this by being a seven sided cube allowing it to exist within parallel universes although not yours (as in you the readers, unless you are reading in my universe, which is even a more complex story).  Still I don’t use it much I am quite happy to walk to most places or go in the car and the like.

After the preview last night at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop it has been very quiet today, I think part of the reason is it is Hot and close and muggy so it is quite difficult to move about. It’s a bit like being on the boat in the movie The African Queen only without water or boats or Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn and leaches and hippos although Captain Flint the Parrot says he saw The African Queen once when she was walking through the big shopping centre. Mum told Captain Flint he was an Idiot, not a good move because Captain Flint then repeats this for at least an hour. So all afternoon we have had the parrot shouting. Pieces of eight, Polly’s an Idiot HAR HAR HAR HAR Hardy HAR. Things go better with coke particularly the african Queen. stoke the boiler, watch out for hippo’s ……………… hahhahahhhhar har.

As we all know today is the day before tomorrow and we all know what happens tomorrow don’t we? Mmmmmmm to tell the truth I’m not sure I do so I will let you know tomorrow night. It may involve mutant radio active ants and spies confused by long periods of time dressed as detectives from the world of fiction and a steam powered recycling bug that fell over when its front legs slipped on oil at the edge of the inspection pit in the garage. On the other hand it might be a nice peaceful day. Mr Jenkins just shouted Hooray. But mum has said IDIOT

Sherlock Holmes and the case of the Wimbledon Sacrifice

Well after no sighting of the CIA MI6 or the FBI for a few days either dressed as pirates or well known detectives fifteen Sherlock Holmes and eight Dr Watson's turned up at our house while I was at school today. They were wearing false wooden legs dark designer sun glasses and were saying things like the eagle follows the trawler when it is hot in Moscow, HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR

I was at school but mum said they were all idiots and the dog fell about laughing for a while and gnawed the false leg of one of the spies. When I say false leg it was false in as much as the spies had two legs not one so didn’t need a wooden leg, not like Pirate Pete with his two steam powered bionic false legs. They wanted to look in my bedroom and my posh cylindrical copper office den in the garden saying they were on an important case chasing the mad Professor Moriarty who was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean films and he was planning to steal many things of national importance to the countries security. Mum did ask what they were but apparently because of national security they couldn’t tell her. For some reason best know to himself though Rusty the Robot Dog thought they were postmen and as I have pointed out before he attacks postmen, so he did.

Then the dog joined in too and Captain Flint the Parrot, he has history with Sherlock Holmes so that was not really a surprise. Mum left them to it on the grounds that the Spies (Sherlock Holmes and Watson, all of them) were up to no good. After quite a lot of screaming however it all went quiet and they all vanished, except the dogs who were well worn out so it saved her taking them for an afternoon walk.  

It was well hot at school today a bit like a sauna really but I think that might have happened when I accidently cut a steam pipe in half.  What was annoying was it was hot right up to the point I got off the school bus in the main square to walk home them it pored with rain, It is all to do with the tennis at Wimbledon as it rains every year when that’s on. Rain is an old British tradition and requires a sacrifice each year in the form a British hopes of winning anything. It seems to work we never win and it always rains. A few years ago they had to arrest someone for singing in the rain and scaring all the tennis players so they have banned singing now.

Dam it things never go as planned this internet thing is a right game and typing with a cat sat on the keyboard is nor easy

The Cormorant and the Einstein Cube

Well it was a bit of a shock but school started again today so it was a whole day of Maths, Physics, Geography, Computer Studies, History, Chemistry, Humanities, Latin, Biology, French, Religious Studies and English.  Plus five aside football and a two hundred metre race in the swimming pool. I don’t know about everyone else but it seemed a lot for my first day back.

I was using my Einstein Cube to leap from class to Class and save me walking all over school, when I was talking to one of my friends on the bus going home he said he only did four of the lessons and it took him all day to do them. I think the Einstein Cube must have been doing something odd which might explain why I had three lunch times; that was good Yummy. Anyway I  asked mum and dad about it when I got home but mum said O god no you sound like that ******* Harry potter again ******, dad told mum off for swearing then but she hit him with the armadillo toaster. They were much happier then and said things like that don’t happen in Harry Potter in fact they don’t even have a toaster (I think?)

Pirate Pete is missing his Wood Mouse and is planning to get a new pet. He asked mum about a Cormorant but mum said if he walks around with a Cormorant on his shoulders we are then going to look like a Monty Python script with Mr and Mrs Jenkins peering over the fence shouting a cormorant, a cormorant ??? very loudly while the Cormorant keeps repeating Polly wants a fish cake.

Anyway after a long chat with Pirate Pete we have decided to make this an interactive diary and give you all the opportunity to suggest a new pet for Pirate Pete. Which will be built into the story over the next few weeks or until Pirate Pete gets bored and sells it to the pet shop. If by any chance you are watching the interactive block buster movie please make your choice and press the button NOW. Mum has just said IDIOT.

Fiona Knight                How about a python named pythagorus who is frightened of triangles and talks with a slight lisp in the language of algebra? At least if Pirate Pete was to keep him he would have a lovely scarf for winter.

Paul Nessman               I think that Pirate Pete might benefit from having a pet Houyhnhnm (hwin-im)...but maybe not, as Houyhnhnms are more companions than anything else. I would suggest a pet yahoo, but they are very smelly and vulgar.

You are a very clever man Captain Nessman of the High Seas but like Gulliver you are well travelled and know these things. But alas it would be difficult for a horse to sit on Pirate Pete shoulders and he says he does nay want one. As for a Python Miss Fionaski we are aware of cunning ways of dancing with pythons and although Pirate Pete thinks it is a good idea mum says he would give away too many secrets during the exotic dance of the python. Particularly after a few rums, that’s Pirate Pete not you or the Python. And as dad points out Montgomery (Monty) needs a Python like a hole in the head or a pylon in the valley to end on a more topical note.

 

Tourists and the wrong Queen

Our little town has filled up with tourists today I don’t like all the tourists, I prefer it when the town is quiet so does dad even Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop have a big sign in the summer saying NO BROWSERS OR ANYONE ELSE WE MIGHT NOT LIKE. Mum says its not a very commercial thing to do but Mr Beelzebub said some things are more important than money.

Because it is very hot Pirate Pete’s steam powered bionic legs that dad made for him keep hissing and spraying clouds of steam at people, but he has become a tourist attraction. So me the dog Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot all went into the main square and were charging people to be photographed with Pirate Pete and Captain Flint although Captain Flint was demanding Brazil nuts rather than money. Even Pirate Pete was not that interested in money because he thinks we should be using gold doubloons not silly little tin coins and bits of paper with the picture of a strange little old lady on them.  We told him it was the queen, but he though the queen was a Chinese lady with long black hair and a patch over one eye. The dog said he was thinking of the wrong queen altogether?

Talking of queens we have the Royal Weeding sorry Wedding in just over a weeks time and there is rumour of a street party in the main square now so we are all talking about running off and hiding. Pirate Pete suggested Trafalgar Square but mum, dad, the dog and me all said IDIOT. 

      

Paul Nessman      The pomp. The circumstance. Oh, how I don't envy you ;)

Surely Captain Nessman of the high seas famous Pirate, buccaneer and thorn in the side of the tally ho British fleet you mean Pompeii the land of the stone remains of a once grand people. Now crumbling and covered in dust a mere tourist attraction for the masses.