Mr M, Art and memento's, Memorabilia and the Taj Mahal

We were rather hoping that with the sad death of Mr M it may be possible to get a small memento from his estate, one of his small quirky little sculptures or one of his personal little drawings. However we have not heard from his son and the dark shadows, and have a feeling that much of the little personal things of no value have been destroyed or burnt. This often happens when people die suddenly folk see pounds signs and not the person, which is very sad. But being a resourceful chap I am now working on a master plan to create Mr M art based memorabilia using images from some of little home made cards and some of the things he made plus some old photos.

Ironically it may well be that lots of the items he had collected or made over the years; he made of lot of wooden furniture and small cupboards could end up in an auction in Montgomery where we used to live.

It was Mr S’s birthday today and so we have all been to the Indian restaurant in Montgomery for a meal, and jolly good it was too. Although Miss K did try and destroy the Taj Mahal (not the one made by Mr M out of special brew cans or the real one) 

Oooo and we have just heard back from the son of Mr M so we will see what occurs. 

You should really watch this it is rather cooooooool

Ghost Writers, Robots and Pop Up Galleries

After all the excitement of watching a grumpy old bloke celebrate his birthday as the bride to be at a henless night, things were a little more normal today. Well I say normal as it happens the bride and the soon to be husband of the bride to be came to see us, I use the word us in a vague way as they arrived with a present for the Ghost Writer who has taken to hiding in our garden. This is because he does not like people much and spends a lot of time shouting BAH HUMBUG over the top of hedges in a belligerent and grumpy manor, not an ideal Ghost Writer really but as I have said before he is very cheap. Anyway Mr S (the husband to be) has welded up a Classically Styled Retro Robot as a sixtieth birthday present for him, and I have to say his little eyes almost lit up (that’s the Ghost Writer not the robot) which means he was very pleased.  It is a very cool looking Retro Robot with some serious steel in him and seemed quite happy watching the Traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam Powered Duck, I guess it is because they are in their own ways both traditional yet a bit quirky much like the Ghost Writer.

I must run off now as we are off to a pop-up gallery to look at art and stuff but I will return soon. . . . . . . .

I have returned in an almost seamless way meaning that you have not noticed that it suddenly got dark and is late. I have chatted to many folk and also eaten chips and viewed the art of Mr Andrew Logan in Montgomery. He tends to use lots of sparkly things and colour and is a bit of an eccentric much like myself only rather different. I don’t think he is quite so keen on robots and zombies, but then lots of folk are like that, its all the death rays and eating folks brains that they find a bit off putting, but we all have our little faults………

Oooooo it appears the Ghost Writer is preparing a cunning plan with Bats?

The end of Art as we know it, and too much enthusiasm for small people....

As this week is the last week of the school year before the big summer holiday which as it happens usually means it rains loads, although dad insists it will be OK as he has finally sorted the Weather Machine after having to turn it off a couple of weeks ago to tweak things. I have told dad that once he turned it off the sun came out and it has been really hot here ever since but he assures me that unless he gets it working this week it is bound to rain during the school holidays.  Which brings me back to the point I was making, today I was in the local Junior School in Monty for what was the very last art class this year with the over enthusiastic small children who as it happened we a bit frazzled and hyper. I think a combination of heat (yes it is hot) and the prospect of seven and a half weeks of holidays meant they were mentally slightly scrambled and over excited, I am never over excited myself, in fact I have mastered the skill of non excitement to that of a grand master….. I did smile a bit once but I got away with it as it was in the dark.

 When I left I was given a home-made card, well when I say home-made I mean School made card with pictures of our final work OK not the Dragonfly as that was finished tonight; and I was given two bottles of Monty Ale. I know I am the eccentric child of cyberspace and therefore tea total (I do drink a lot of tea) but it was a lovely thought and many folk are now saying that they just fancy a nice cool bottle of locally brewed beer and don’t know where to get one from. However it has been decided that we will keep the bottles of beer for Mr F on his next trip to see us…

I will be away now until Friday afternoon as we are off to the Funeral of Miss A, Mr F’s wife so it may now be Saturday before I post the next exciting instalment of my diary, Yes I know I said I don’t do excitement but of course I am very aware that all my readers are excited by my diary entries (OK that is more than 1 and less that 10) but then who really reads that Shakespeare chap.

Luckily Miss I and Mr S will be holding the fort . . . . .. I am not sure about that saying, forts are usually huge stone buildings and trying to pick one up to hold it is near on damn impossible, even chiselling out a few stones from say a tower near the draw bridge and holding them is not easy. For one thing you get shouted at loads.  

The Indian restaurant and the Butterfly

It was white here this morning the ground was covered in snow, how did that happen but it then got sunny closely followed by fluffy snow then sun then rain and wind. It is presently very wet cold and horrible, I would not mention all this except it effects things and limits my motivation to be motivated. As I have previously discussed, we all know that a butterfly in the Amazon rain forest is said to have some effect on the weather and I have often shouted at butterflies in the Amazon jungle telling them they are ruining our weather. The knock on effects of bad weather is that humans are less motivated in damp wet cold conditions than they are in the sun and warm. Ironically this is why most of the great inventions and thinkers do not come from the tropics, as people in the tropics are out doing stuff and being motivated, where those of use in the cold and wet stay in and think or write a lot in order to avoid being motivated. The result of this thinking writing and doodling in the margins of maths books drawing little machines and robots that look like the headmaster is that we invent things, things like the steam engine or the vacuum flask or even the toast rack.  I explained this to the headmaster in his office telling him one day I will be a great inventor and doodling in my maths book and drawing small rodents was taking me one step closer to the perfect mouse trap, fame and fortune.

 I am off out later with my good friends Mr Charlie and Miss Jane to the Indian restaurant in Montgomery to eat an excellent array of curries and delights. However it appears for a short time this was in the balance (not a set of scales but the balance of probabilities, see I did listen to the maths teacher) as it appears Miss Jane and Mr Charlie have had troubles contacting the restaurant by phone. It may be that they were deliberately ignoring us because mid-week we are often the only customers and although they smile and greet us we then sit and chat for hours until we notice they have fallen asleep and are snoring slumped on the floor. Anyway everything is Hunky dory and I will get to eat a rather good chicken dhansak and fish tikka, these are my favourite and I always have them. They still pretend to come and take our order and look interested but we always all have the same things because this is part of the human psyche, we are creatures of routine and habit as in general all creature are. Nature you see is in fact one huge biological organic machine with cogs and stuff as many a well known book will tell you; and me so it must be right.

I am off now so this is it for tonight, when I say off I don’t mean I am heading off to the restaurant I am off to get ready and look nice, when I say nice I don’t mean nice as I will look much as I look now really, OK exactly as I look now, because there are no other customers to see me and point going LOOK YUCK…………

Ooooo yes we have secret notes to drop off for Miss Fionaski to read and some microfilm of very secret things that are not to be mentioned in my diary, Hang on no one has told me what they are anyway  . . . . . . . . DAMN. 

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The old homemade Cardboard Christmas tree and parties in the cold

We are off to Monty Town Hall tonight with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane to a curry and music night, it should be good. The only real worry is that Montgomery town hall’s heating system sort of failed in the summer and I think due to county politics it still is does not work (I hope I am wrong about that) so with the temp tonight being round about zero degrees C it may be somewhat on the cold side or as dad puts it ************* ******* freezing.  It may be that everyone will need to leap about, due to technical problems I do not leap about myself, and it will be interesting for the band because as a djembe player I must admit I do not like playing in the cold, although you do warm up fairly quickly playing drums. So as long as there are no harp players it might be OK.

I have also dusted off the old Cardboard Christmas tree  made as part of the Christmas window for Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and have given it a test run, and all is well. Because we are not involved with his strange little shop this year, since he vanished into the eternal depths shouting HUMBUG and other words of a similar nature we can be a bit more Christmassy at home, although I am not allowed to attach eliminated? Sorry I mean illuminated pink Flamingos with flashing beaks on top of the chimney which seems a bit unfair.

     

Anyway I will be wearing loads of layers tonight just in case and if I do get too hot I can pretend to be a hamster and dose in the corner.

So that’s about it for today although I think I can now multi-track myself playing Djembe, I did have a little test run but I was a bit to cold so was not entirely happy with the final result. It also appears I am a bit too maverick to play along with, even when I am playing along with myself.  This is why bands split up all those egos competing with one another, and I am starting to learn it is even worse when all the egos are your own. I had to tell the rhythm section off earlier and then got in a strop because I had been told off for improvising in the rhythm section.  I was hoping that I would not notice.

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A One Hundredth Birthday Party, the Sun and Huricaine Sandy

We have just returned from a one hundredth birthday party; now when I say one hundredth birthday party I of course refer to the age of the person whose party it is/was not that this is the one hundredth party we have been to. It was the party of Mrs Bunner who has been a sort of link figure in the little town of Montgomery for many years and for a long time the driving force behind the Bunners ironmongers shop which is celebrating 120 years of trading. There were loads of people there I think to tell the truth there were a few thousand too many people there but then in one hundred years you get to know a lot of people.

It has also been a very sunny day today which was a bit of a shock after all that grey it seemed very bright indeed but I think that is because we have not seen the sun for a few days I get the impression that it is due to vanish again tomorrow according to the man on the wireless so we had to make the most of it. When I say make the most of it, the dog Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat lay in the sun and snored and I was sent up an apple tree to clear branches from the power cables. These were not the 11000 volt cables but just standard 240 volt cables so there was never going to be a huge bang and a flash of light, something they were also trying avoid at the one hundredth birthday party, I am told it is bad form to set off fire crackers at the birthday parties of the old and rather frail. . . . . . . AH.

While on the subject of weather I believe that Hurricane Sandy is due to arrive on the east coast of America in the next couple of days and along with two other weather events of some sort heading the same way, is going to turn into some sort of Mega- storm. And it due to destroy all before it so if you read this and live on the east coast of America I would advice listening to the local weather forecast on the wireless, bearing in mind that most weather forecasts on the wireless can be rubbish. Dad has said he could turn his own weather machine on to help things but that might be a bad move and end in a huge bang and a flash of light the result of which I’m sure would be no more one hundredth birthday parties for a few years due to freak numbers of heart attacks on the same day by the old and frail.

Ooo yes one more thing this is Britain and we move our clocks back an hour tonight so that will confuse the rest of the world and me for a while. 

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The Empire of Rob and principles of equality

Time appears to be going faster than I have anticipated today, I think it is because it has been mainly sunny. When I say mainly, we did go to Montgomery craft fair day but it was raining there and parking was a bit of a problem too so it was not a long visit. However we did get to see Mr Michael famous artist and co founder of the 56 Group which I have mentioned previously I think a few days ago. And we managed to see a few folk before we departed back to home where it was still warm and sunny. We are still tracking down the cause of the electricity problem, we know what is working but there are a few things to be powered up yet. If we can isolate it then I will fix it with the flame thrower and a hammer, I find that is rather a good solution. I might have to use that idea on the squirrel who has mastered the art of removing the bird feeder from the tree and hurling it at the wall, like some sort of nut case.

The Empire of Rob

I am now the proud King (well sort of) of my own kingdom called the Empire of Rob it is presently very small but like all empires with some nutrients and care and attention it will grow into something much larger. It is in the care of the government of the Empire of Rob and its President Mr ESB, My own title is purely ceremonial I do not have a lot of power; that is very much in the hands of Mr ESB, Mrs ESB and Cooper. Luckily for Mr ESB, Cooper will always vote with him so they have a two thirds majority. Mrs ESB has complained of Bribery saying Cooper has been seen getting treats that have not been declared officially and should forfeit his right to vote, but this has been put to a vote and was rejected by a two thirds majority. This is the way of democracy; the Empire of Rob is a fair land with a young fledgling legal system based on principles of equality sorry I mean the pineapples of equality….  

Hang on it has just started raining now where did that lot come from

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Art, 1956, useful stuff and cows

We headed off to Monty this morning to see the artwork of Mr Edmonds one of the founders of the 56 group which was so called because it was formed in 1956. In recent years it has become more well known and is now recognized as one of the very few Welsh based art movements in its own right. We have always said you should try and buy original art if you can, and so we do. And although you might think gosh loads of money it is not true, well not always, as with most things some will rip you off if they can but not if you have a huge dog and a flame thrower.  Anyway Mr Edmonds was exhibiting in a pop up Gallery so we went to look as he is a good friend and a jolly good artist.

We now have two little painting of Venice to hang on the wall with the other painting that hangs on the wall. The dog says the pictures of Venice will remind us of the British Summer as all the roads are flooded and the best way to shop in the big out of town supermarket is in a gondola. The dog has also added that the betting shop is full of punters (HAH HAHAH HHAHAHH HAHHAH HAH HAH HAHHAHH hahaha hah hah ahah ha).

I spent the afternoon sorting boxes out from when we moved and moving them from one place to another in order to do some work so they can be moved to another place. Some say we should just get rid of the boxes full of stuff but it is useful stuff, it is not our fault that we can never find the right useful bit at the time the useful bit would be useful. We just find the useful stuff that is not useful at the time we need the thing that is useful, so all those other useful things are of no use at that time. I’m sure there must be a theory about the quantity of useful things calculated against the ability to find them when you need them.

Other things have happened today but I will go now and not bore you with other stuff….. Hang on I will bore you with one more thing. I went and had a chat with the cows in the field next to us, they like a bit of a chat people don’t talk to cows much these days. But the cows were away again for a few days then they arrived back just a couple of days ago. Nothing odd about that only we have never seen them leave or arrive yet in the six or seven months we have lived here, so how are they doing that. Maybe Mr Jones is right they are in cahoots with aliens……

I spy with my little eye ME

Or another ME

The Wicked Witch of the West ...... Part Two

The Ghost Writer being a ghost

or as Mum said an IDIOT

Sometimes the best of plans do not go as planned, today is such a case. My trip to the dentist I was told when I got there was yesterday, I said that they had sent a letter changing my appointment to today but they said this was impossible. It was impossible because my dentist never works on Thursdays EVER, so they knew I was wrong. They then said as it happens he is working Thursday next week and Thursday the week after?? But the appointments are all full so I have to wait until June 2023 at 4:30 on a Thursday.  Still it could have been a lot worse I might have got in to see the dentist………HAHAHHAHHAh ahh ha hah haha hhah aha hhha ahhh aha haha hah ahah aha. 

We grew these ......Well Cool 

My good friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy has informed us that all is not well in the rolling hills by cricket pitch with the big lake beyond so I feel I must continue the tale as it started in the form of a fairy tale.

Our heroine Miss Goldilocks as we know sent her secret coded message to her headquarters deep within the secret cellar complex of the Kremlin (which I must never mention…….AH). The seagulls are sitting on the lake playing cricket the ball has been hit out of bounds in the fields, send more puffins and vodka. The Witch is Mad……..  

Because as we know The Wicked Witch of the West was scaring the people of the village (OK town) and everyone was afraid, scared to venture onto the rolling fields and cricket pitch, yet alone go to the lake. The Wicked Witch of the West laughing hysterically, proudly looking over all the land which she now controlled, where not even a Song Thrush stirred or sang.  

Having dissevered Miss Goldilocks’ message the powers that be deep within the cellar complex of the Kremlin (AH sorry I mentioned it again) hatched a plan, they activated their secret moles (no not the furry things that make little mounds but the spies). These moles were disguised as unsuspecting little old ladies who were sent deep into the fields past the cricket pitch to the lake where they sat and ate neat cucumber sandwiches and Earl Grey Tea in china cups and sent messages on their shortwave radios.

Then as they were about to cut into a rather nice Victoria sandwich cake The Wicked Witch of the West arrived in a cloud of smoke and fury and screamed and shouted and threw all the Victoria sandwich cake into the lake.   Where a hand rose out of the lake to catch it, a small voice shouting “Thanks I’ll eat it Later”  The Wicked Witch of the West did not notice or care she sent the little old ladies packing making them scurry off back to the village laughing hysterically behind them.

But her actions stirred the great Lord of all the Land, all the cricket pitches, and all the lakes from his sleep and he summoned his assistant Thomas Attila the h-unsmiling. Their powers are great and The Wicked Witch of the West may be banished from the land or made to eat soggy Victoria sandwich cake with little old ladies in the town hall as penance. However even as I write other forces are a foot, the villagers having been outraged by this latest act have risen as a body and are heading towards the castle of the Wicked witch of the West with fiery torches (not the ones with batteries, OK they might have those too) and plan to eat cake and walk their dogs and point and shout and say YA SUCKS BOO….HA HA HA to YOU then run like hell back to the village (OK town).

The Plans of the minds deep in the  secret cellars of the Kremlin (Sorry I did it again) are working as planned, unless of course it is Thursday……….AH  

To be continued:-

Ooooooo I picked our first Red Currents (Currants) earlier.

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The March of the Mods and Chinese takeaways

I was in Montgomery again today. I seem to spend more time there than I did when I lived there. Anyway today we saw something strange in town something that has not been in Montgomery for many many years. It was a Gang of Mods, when I say gang they were all rather old probably all over fifty and I think they were reliving there youth. Sadly Monty was almost completely shut but they did find a certain hotel open but they said the bloke there was a grumpy git.

Well I guess people are scared of Gangs of Mods, although they were very friendly and even when one of them dropped his keys down the drain at the side of the road which was unfortunately bolted in place they were still quite chirpy. Well all the others were quite chirpy. I was able to help though and was able to supply some thick wire to make a hook and so we were able to recover the keys and they were all happy again and vanished off in the direction of Bishops Castle waving and making rather of lot of noise but then they are Mods and being somewhat old for Mods probably a bit deaf.

We have finally tried a Chinese takeaway from the Bishop rather than the Church, as the last one from the Church was to put it bluntly ******* Awful. It has to be said the Bishops Chinese takeaway was well good and the fried seaweed was very good. It is always a good sign when the fried seaweed is good and the sweet and sour sauce does not go solid after two minutes, and the owners of the Chinese takeaway don’t understand a word of English. It is at times like this when you need Captain Nessman of the High Seas with you, who is almost fluent in Chinese takeaway menus and is able to say things like. It is lovely to see you today the weather has been rather good, I think I will have the duck and a special fried rice thank you in Chinese; rather than shout 22, 43, 126, 4, ???, thanks.  And look like a complete IDIOT still I am used to that. But the food was well YUM so all in all it has been a good end to the day, well up to the point that dads paperwork filing system failed a bit, and the cats attacked him because they had only had four meals today.

Ooo by the way cats do not like Prawn Crackers how odd? ……… silly cats 

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The massed hoards stripping the shelves bare and the town hall fire

Having spent the day at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop trying to help as the massed hoards strip the shelves bare before the shop closes, everyone spaced out.  Poor old Miss Issy spelt with a BBBB (It all to do with it being Wales), was pretending to be a manikin, that can only shuffle very slowly and is unable to bend. She had to move about like this because she is suffering from Whiplash as her car was hit from behind last night by someone she called a ******* ****** ****** ****** total ******* ******* IDIOT.  

Miss Fionaski also popped in to the shop to see us in her spy coat which made her look just like a famous Russian spy and said the mushrooms are travelling eastwards on the morning train, I will be watching them closely in a weeks time as the seagulls fly. Well I don’t know what it means but it must be spy talk for something interesting.  She then went to investigate a strange old car in town, a Morris Cowley Bullnose Coupe saying The Children are eating candyfloss in the hay field, I must return home.

Then a bit later in the day there was a lot of flashing blue lights which turned out to be the fire brigade at the town hall.  There was a lot of smoke coming out of the roof, lots and lots of smoke as it happens. It was all to do with the pensioner’s party, which is held every year just after New Year in the town hall, they can be a bit rowdy so I am told, and old Mr Roberts was of course famous for his roof top protests in Brixton prison often burning down G Block back in his younger days. So I assumed it might have been him reliving his tale about the gold bullion and the Octopus and the night on the roof with nothing but a box of matches and a flare gun, a gallon of petrol and a rolled up newspaper to fend off the oppressive powers of the establishment, as he called the guards.

As it happens it turned out to be the oil fired central heating system that was faulty, well that is what the pensioners told the fire brigade, but I think they left their glasses at home, and I know for a fact that the instructions for the central heating boiler are in very small writing.

I have not taken any pictures of the sky today and no one I know has had to assemble any IKEA products. Although the dog thought he saw a group of pensioners assembling an IKEA central heating boiler today (the Arsonfizz 999), why do IKEA products always have strange names?

The preferred mode of transport of the modern spy

Prince William and Kate only not that Prince William and Kate ........ but the Chinese Whispers Will's and Kate and a flibbertigibbet.

It is cold, windy and wet, this sort of weather is not good for the brain and dulls the mind so instead of a interesting witty informative diary full of imagination and inspiration, it is likely to degenerate into the ordinary and mundane. This would be disastrous for potential future book sales (Yes OK I know, no sniggering at the back).

Lets face it none of you would like me to write my daily diary in the following way would you.

Got up and had a wash, then I had breakfast and walked to school bus. Got the school bus to school and went to school, French lesson first so did French, I think; I don’t understand French so am not sure. Walked to next lesson which was Maths passed small furry thing shouting Oooo yes no yes really yes no go away, did maths then walked to the geography class  to do geography passed small furry thing shouting it was not me it was not me who chopped it down that cherry tree. Dave said the small furry thing is annoying and it’s cold outside.

OK that is enough of that imagine how you would feel after 200,000 words rambling on like that, apparently the dog says he does not have to imagine it because I have.  Well only sort of.

The small furry thing was last seen heading towards the headmasters office shouting AH yes no but it will yes it is apparently just a flibbertigibbet, well we have had a few of those about over time. I believe the latest one is called Higgs boson, not the one in the school corridor by the way I think he was called Brian Higgs or is he a footballer, never mind.

By the way I have made yet another error in my diary although it is not my fault this time, it is classic Montgomery Chinese whispers. But it appears that those Royals Wills and Kate were not in Montgomery the other day it was two lookalikes; the Kate lookalike had Steam powered legs and was going HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR a lot while eating, and the Wills lookalike had a patch over one eye, was quite short and had six legs. Now I do realize that over the passing of time Royals have a habit of interbreeding leading to some strange anomalies, but I don’t think that Prince William bloke has six legs, although it might explain his control of helicopters because the more limbs the better with those things. Anyway it might just be pirates and lets face it, it has been a long time since anyone saw a Jolly Roger in Montgomery …………………. Mum just said IDIOT and that local in jokes (INN JOKES HA H AH HAH HAHHAH HAH HAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hah hah) are a total waste in an International best selling book …….. She ‘s right.

She has just added  in which case I don’t need to worry then …………… ????? 

The royals as in Wills and Kate, the Large Cod and the Montgomery Christmas Window Competition

School is all rather chilled at the moment the art teacher has us producing Potato print wrapping paper, and is selling in the market after school. It is, as the teacher says A nice little earner, personally I thought a nice little earner was what you put flowers in HA HA HA HA HAH HAH HAH HA hhah hah hah ah hahahh hah. I have just had a great idea for a Christmas cracker joke.

Dad is making home made Christmas crackers again this year, although mum insists that he uses less gunpowder than last year. However one of the great things about last years crackers is me and some of my school friends were able to re-enact The Italian Job (the original one not the rubbish remake) and say You’re only meant to blow the doors off. And dad should have warned Mr Jenkins next door before he and Mrs Jenkins pulled the first one.

Look this is all a distraction yet again. I called into Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the way home as mum was holding the fort (when I say holding the fort I don’t mean a fort or even a model of a fort I mean ………..O never mind) He says The Angel of the Norse has attracted many comments while it has been in the window, and in fact tonight is judging night for the Montgomery Christmas Window competition…….. Yes well, remember what happened last year but if they will have two little old ladies who are 93 from the WI to judge I think an angel with horns is not going to win.

I was told that the royals as in Wills and Kate (Is that right?) were in Monty last week at the restaurant over the road from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.  The one with the Michelin Star; giving food awards named after car tyres is all a bit odd don’t you think.

Of course one of the draw backs to being a royal is you are not allowed to eat in places like Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café or even the Sun Inn in Marton so you are trapped in a world of places that me and the dog are not allowed in. OK the dog has been banned from Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café as well now, due to the incident with the leg of lamb and the confusion with the leg of the waiter. But as the dog pointed out close up a leg is a leg, and they all tend to run away screaming at times; and just because on this particular occasion the leg knew the short cut through the kitchen, he was concentrating on getting his dinner.     

Talking of Food  I had Young’s Large cod fillets for tea, this is a sign that cod are becoming extinct because if that was a Large cod we must be down to the tiny weensy baby throw it away its not worth it fish on the grounds we have eaten all the rest. So Christmas tip for tonight is …… eat as many cod as you can before everyone else eats them and there are none left. 

Montgomery Castle, the Light Bulb, and the Moth

It has been a nice but windy day and getting windier by the minute, luckily for us our house in is the lea of a hill which on the top has the remains of Montgomery castle built a long time ago about the thirteenth century I think. I cant ask the history teacher as it is Sunday and the dog is stuffed with curry and says he refuses to think until tomorrow and I should jolly well b*********** ***** ****** off.

 I spent part of the morning up a tree removing lights which have been there for years. Apparently in 1503 when the house was owned by one of the earliest mad scientists. He came up with this great idea called electricity and built something called a light bulb to show how it could be used to the benefit of man he filled the tree next to us with lights (Electric Light Bulbs) powered by electricity. Everyone was well impressed but the great Lord Montgomery from the castle had a daughter (the princess) who was allergic to Moths. This had never been a problem with candles and oil lamps because the Moths would spiral closer and closer until Puff …… ZAP and well that was the end of them. But with the new electric Light bulbs they would go round and round all night, and because the electric light bulbs were much brighter than all the other lights, every dam Moth for fifty miles turned up in Montgomery.

The Princess would whinge and whinge about these Moths, ending up covered in spots and sneezing so in the end Lord Montgomery banished the Mad Scientist to the colonies and decreed that the light bulbs be removed from the tree. Anyway I finally got round to it this Morning ………. Mum has just said IDIOT

I then spent the afternoon disposing of rubbish in the Pit of Doom with the Grumbling Child in it, he did shout a lot but then he does that. Apparently there is no such thing as rubbish just stuff in the wrong place, which is worth knowing because it solves a lot of problems. 

Radical Genetically Modified Encoded Programming and the Society of Little Old Ladies. Sunday Roast and Triffids

Sunday and after a quiet start to the day in which the ghost writer was invited for lunch, he suddenly had to leap into action to fix a computer near Welshpool. We don’t know why he does these things he says it’s his good deed and that most computer people don’t do good deeds; in fact most of them will rip you off, so he says.

We had also forgotten it was The Autumn Day of the Dinner when loads of people take over the Town Hall and have Dinner (OK Lunch) including the little know but much feared Society of Little Old Ladies. They don’t often appear on mass but the smell of a free Sunday roast; jelly and Town Hall coffee means it can be very scary if you stand in the wrong place.  Tourists and small children have been known to vanish never to be seen again, under the un-imposable ( ??? do I mean that or not) force of the stampeding hoards of The Society of Little Old Ladies.

They then had the opportunity to visit the museum for free and so they did on mass where they discussed the old days when they could throw rotten fruit at the folk in the stocks; not like today when they are only allowed to throw rotten fruit at innocent passers by who can run away. As they say it is not the same at all…… String them all up ********** tourists; even the dog said he does miss chewing the occasional leg in the stocks and he now gets told off if he chews passers by.

Finally Mad Bob the Digger was out with his digger moving trees about. This is a strange and relatively new tradition introduced to Montgomery a few years ago where trees in large containers are moved about at regular intervals often a few days sometimes a few months to different parts of the town. Rumour has it that Mad Bob the Digger was so impressed by the film The Day of the Triffids, that he is training the trees to move (eventually) on their own. It appears that with time the act of moving will become encoded into the DNA of the trees. Much in the same way as at present the DNA of trees has encoded them not to move. I asked mum about this so called Radical Genetically Modified Encoded Programming or REP-GM as it is called in the New Scientist magazine and she said IDIOTS.

It may have been much easier if Mad Bob the Digger had asked dad if he could make some more Steam Powered Triffids like he did in book one. But then look at all the trouble they caused so maybe not. Its dark now too. 

The funeral and reality leaving its ripples in the fabric of time and space.

It was a sad day in our little town as mum and dad and the ghost writer had to go off to a funeral for someone from the town that was well known and lived a few houses along the road. This is a tricky situation in a diary of an internet eccentric because my diary is a rather light-hearted and jolly affair. But then it is also a diary that weaves between the world of reality and the unreality of fiction.

As mum and dad say none of us are immortal not even in the rather strange world of Social Network Eccentrics (me) we can only hope our spirit continues in the minds of others. So of course in my case it means the publication of the book by a very friendly international publisher, followed up by the block buster movie all being well by that very nice Steven Spielberg man or possibility someone else although it would not be quite the same.  The alternative is a small dwindling memory in the minds of a few loyal followers until gone finally becoming oblivion (not the rock band). And after all I don’t want to end up like the three Water Buffalo who were minding their own business standing in the fish pond eating pond weed when they were suddenly swallowed by a particularly large and hungry goldfish never to be seen again (that’s the Water Buffalo not the goldfish). As the dog said it is classic in these stories for this to happen; look at Star Trek it was always some unknown crew member who got eaten by the three headed monster. But as mum and dad pointed out even now when the grandchildren of the actor who played the unknown crew member eaten by the monster see it on television or the cinema they shout OOOO LOOK ITS granddad. So it just goes to show even in the wake of Star Trek there is a reality leaving its ripples in the fabric of time and space.  The dog did say that the grandchildren of the Water Buffalo would never be able to watch Star Trek because they can’t operate a TV remote but mum said IDIOT

Even that Harry Potter has found his place in history now and he never takes any notice of the reality he exists in. Not like me. The dog says he is not really a great fan of Harry Potter just too many humans and not enough dogs in the story for his liking, although he says we are starting to get too many cats in our story now. Particularly as Sooty the Cat has set up home in a box just outside the back door much to the disgust of Heavy Harry the Cat, although he is not attacking it quite so much. Still that’s reality for you; leaving cats in the ripples of time and space and not dogs ……. The dog says NOT FAIR.

An everyday tale of country folk and the mutant radio active forty foot man eating centipede

Sunday and dad was doing DIY again this morning laying some flooring in the new office. It is tongue and groove flooring so it is alright until you get your left and right confused then it can go a bit wrong. The result was dad was swearing again and like last Sunday mum told him off and hit him with the armadillo toaster.  It is his own fault for trying to get a Armadillo mosaic design in the middle of the floor.

Everyone else would be happy enough with just a plain simple floor but not dad he feels it should be as complex as possible otherwise he might as well go to IKEA and get flat pack rubbish, although as far as I can tell everyone one swears putting IKEA flat pack things together anyway. Mum and dad have to hold the fort again in the afternoon at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Mr Beelzebub keeps having to sort his paperwork out for the Middle East and says he really does wish the human race would make its mind up because both him and the one who must be obeyed (not by us humans as it happens) are getting well angry and a bit confused. Anyway they do this on Sundays so he is not able to be in the shop which is why mum and dad are helping, that all seems a bit long winded to make the point mum and dad were in the shop.

Me and the dog were exploring, we have given up on Count Gomery now and thought we would set our expectations at a more realistic level and hunt something more mundane. So we have decided on a mutant radio active forty foot man eating centipede, Pirate Pete thinks he saw one the other day just after he had drunk his third bottle of Jamaican Rum; made with his very own still hidden in the cellar. I don’t think I am meant to tell you about that so he might make me walk the plank again into the goldfish pond. AH.  We didn’t find one I think the dog was quite pleased as he didn’t really fancy having a fight with a forty foot man eating centipede, I did say he is a dog not a man so he would be ok but he said IDIOT. By the way the forty foot man eating centipede is forty foot long, he does not have forty feet I would assume he has one hundred feet by his name. 

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Fiona Knight                                         I too have given up on Mount of Count Gomery as now there appears to be a Munt Gomery, oh I think the ancient literature has become somewhat distorted through out the years, it is like they were playing Chinese whispers when writing their books. I also went on an adventure earlier today, it was most exciting having a family meeting with a herd of cows whilst stranded on an island, fortunately the cows were very happy to just lick us with their sharp grabbing very long (almost forty foot) tongues. Later on I had an in depth conversation with a honey bee, who was convinced the printed flowers on my jacket were real....and now I just have to go and listen to the Blackbirds announce the 7 o clock news.....Sunny Sundays are fun.

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You do indeed seem to be able to communicate with bees Miss Fiona; I suspect because of your shaman Buddhist ways you are able to hum in bee. UM GOMERY HUM or something like that.  Mum said I must behave. No sorry she said Bee Hive Hah AHhahhha Ha ha ha ha  

The Mountain and the Undead

Me and the dog have spent the morning searching for the fabled Mount Gomery but with no luck, then when we got home we have been told it has now been discovered it is a spelling mistake all along. No wonder we could not find it, apparently according to dad and Pirate Pete it should read Count Gomery who used to suck the blood of his victims in the dark of night and lived in a wooden box full of soil in daylight.

 He had to wash his duvet every night because it would get really dirty from all the soil. I think his pillow was just as bad so he was always very grumpy which is why he sucked all the blood out of everyone at night. He is meant to be one of the undead, Pirate Pete said he doesn’t like the undead much because when he went for a part as an extra in the Pirates of the Caribbean film it was the undead who got all the parts in the film and they were not even real pirates. It is why he turned up for the Pirates of the Caribbean school pantomime at Christmas time and is now very much part of the story.    

Anyway me and the dog are now looking for Count Gomery although it is harder than we thought because it is really surprising how many people look like they are the undead. Mum of course being a Goth says it is one of the reasons she likes living in our little town, it is full of very strange people. She said some people even think we are strange GOSH how odd; how could anyone think we are odd. The dog insists that if we are going to look for Count Gomery tomorrow then we need to take stakes with us so first thing in the morning he plans to go to the butcher and get as many as possible.