Sunny days, Sid the Seagull (Pigeon) and a DVD

Ok yes this diary is rubbish I have not written anything for ages, but there is a reason. Well sort of a reason  . . . . It’s sunny. Was that someone muttering is that it . . . Well yes it is; I mean this is Britain and sunny is a fickle thing that we don’t see a lot of particularly in the summer when it is meant to be sunny. What all this means is I have been able to get some work done outside and on the workshop. . . . Yes yes I have said all this before, but diaries are like that, not like in the movies where they edit out all the repetition and boring things

So I have cut grass both at the front and back of the house, although the pesky grass grows rather fast so by the time you get it all cut it needs cutting again which is annoying and tiring and does not make for an exciting diary. Particularly when there are no Zombies and Mr Ratty and his pals have all left. We suspect that one of our neighbours getting rid of their chickens and hutch and another rebuilding some old farm buildings may have made the critters restless. That’s Mr Ratty and the Zombies.

Anyway I have been working on my workshop and so far all is going well, I will be adding a few pictures of it soon, it is even keeping exactly on budget well the outside is and it is entirely watertight  . . . . . OK it does not have a door yet but I have a plan.

OOOooooo  I must mention Sid the Seagull who is a pigeon although from a distance he looks like a seagull. He/she is a fancy beast and almost tame, I say almost because it will get within  a few feet but will not let me touch him/her to check its rings. It has three rings on its legs and I am assuming it is a bit lost. It was certainly very hungry the first day it turned up (2-3 days ago).

And I bought a DVD from Spain for my car which arrived snapped in two, but a new one was sent and the car is happy and knows where it is going again . . . . One of us needs too I get lost very easily.

The Magpie, The Wood Pigeon and the Huge Mutant Spider as predicted by Quantum Mechanics

OK you might also notice an Eyeball on the worktop 

Today has seen the arrival of a mancky and very battered Magpie in the garden, and a not quite so battered Wood Pigeon. Now I suspect they have not been fighting each other but if they have then the Magpie is rubbish at fighting, I mean wood Pigeons are not famed for fighting and Magpies are cunning birds that will cheat and use rocks.  I am not sure if either will survive and trying to help the Magpie in particular is almost impossible, Magpies don’t trust us humans for many reasons so getting close to one is a no no.  OK the don’t not go out their way to make themselves likeable but nature is a bastard.

However I have avoided stooping to the low depths that nature in the raw can plummet to by painting round a spider in the kitchen. Yes the little beast has laid its eggs not far from the hob and was going to defend them to the end even against a huge great human five millions times bigger than he/she was. I think it might be a she, a chap would abandon the kids in that situation and do a runner for sure, which as a chap would seem the logic thing to do.  So it only seemed fair for me to rise about the basic instincts of nature and paint round it and the eggs in order to give them all a fighting chance of making through the winter to a new life in the spring. I have a habit of saving wood lice and slugs and various other little critters at times so some might say I am a foolish idiot who is not prepared to face the basic facts of nature such as . . . . . Where does a bacon butty come from. . . . . .  NO NO fingers in ears and shout hum hum hum diddle ping hum a lot is my response to that one, bacon comes from the fridge in a packet and that is enough for me.

The painting has gone to plan and the kitchen is now 99.9% complete which I have worked out will mean next August will finally get it all done with the exception of a small area the size of a little spider and its eggs which by them I will have forgotten about entirely much as I did in the hallway. Something that was pointed out to me, as I carefully painting round the spider. I don’t think the spider in the hallway was the same spider although come to think of it I don’t know what happened to all the eggs once they hatched so maybe they are related. If I ever have to face a huge Mutant Spider in a Gladiatorial Roman Arena in the future I know I will be safe when I tell it of how I did not paint over his ancestors.  OK it’s a long shot but Quantum Mechanics says it could happen, so it just might.   

Dr Purlieus Pope . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Dr Purlieus Pope

A tall and elegant explorer very much in the mould of what a Victorian explorer should look like so it was strange to many of his colleagues that he got on so well with Mr Newton Newton III. But they were both interested in the everyday wildlife around them, and it was Dr Pope’s interest in the humble pigeon that led him to make his most exotic and perilous trip to the undiscovered arid wastelands of Persia. 

After reading an old manuscript about a building of great elaborateness deep in the centre of the Persian deserts,  in which it implied it was built to house the worlds most beautiful and rare pigeon, the Poisonous Puff Pigeon of Persia. He decided that he must find out if this was true or not. No one else had undertaken the journey because it was thought foolish to travel across half the world in search of a pigeon loft full of fancy pigeons when there were loads in the suburbs of Bradford where pigeon fanciers were ten a penny.

But no one could have expected the sheer majesty of the building now known to everyone as the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA with its POLYMORPHIC PLEBEIAN PERPENDICULAR PITCHED PILLARED PIVOTING Staircase.

However Dr Purlieus Pope had arrived in Persia at a time of great unrest (yes it was ever such) and the various tribal factions were all convinced that Dr Purlieus Pope was some sort of western imperialist spy  (yet again it was ever such). So before he could return to Britain someone slipped a poisoned pigeon pie into his Harrods Explorers Luxury Hamper. He made it back but was extremely ill and never got to return. He also made sure that his good friend Mr Newton Newton III arranged that his ashes after his death were scattered at his place of birth at the source of the old hill road to Stockdale. Where even today you can find a plaque commemorating his achievements as an explorer, mounted on a small bronze of a pigeon at the side of the road near ancient woodland. . 

U is for the curse of the Unrequited Dove

Pigeon Fancies are a strange breed of person and will do almost anything to look after their feathered friends from chase Peregrine Falcons up the street with a pointy stick to singing sea shanties in their pigeon lofts at half past two in the morning in the cold wet rain. However it is very very rare to see a hardened pigeon fancier keeping  doves, because they live in fear of the curse of the Unrequited Dove. 

.

.

.

The Opening Ceremony of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, President Putin and a Small Chicken.

The winter Olympic opening ceremony has been on the go today and it was rather a grand affair for a winter Olympics as in general they tend to be more friendly and low key than the summer ones. But of course because they are in Russia rumour have abounded that President Putin was keen to put on (Putin . . . . . .  Put on . . . . . . . HA HAH HA H HAH hah ha haha ha ha ha hah ha ha) a good show. And I would have to say some of it was very spectacular indeed as it showed the story of Russia through history, a bit like the London Olympics showed Britain. The odd thing with these though is that it sort of ended with the breaking up of the USSR and then came to an abrupt holt in a sort of AH . . . . . . .DAMN . . . . . I know we can have some Seagulls  . . . no hang on Doves, Doves is good or Swans folk like Swans …….. Interestingly it appears that Sochi (the place in Russia, not the Japanese seafood) is one of the warmer parts of Russia and has no snow which might make things a bit tricky.

Anyway as you know the chicken loves these things and only the other day said he planned to fly over and sneak in; and much like in London the Russians also would prefer not to have chickens running about, partly because it is already complicated enough with Seagulls, Doves and Swans all over the place. But the chicken is a resourceful beast and 40,000 armed troops and folk dressed as white rabbits were never going to keep it away from meeting the main man.

I was able to capture the moment on the TV as out of the shadows the chicken moves in closer to see President Putin close up. The President gritting his teeth, but clearly unhappy that the massed security forces failed to get the chicken. Although if you look at the picture closely you will notice that he is cunningly using his third arm (not many folk know he has three arms) to try and grab the chicken and have him (her) dealt with.

Apparently loads and loads of money was spent on the venue and there is talk of legacy much like there was after the London Olympics . . . . . . . .HAH HA HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA HAH HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

The Oxbow lake, the Cows and the Zombies.

It was raining first thing this morning but it did not last long, weather machines can sometimes actually work even if 99 percent of the time it is not entirely as expected. It was an interesting day and I have learnt several things, the first of which is that as a chap I can not multi-task as well as I would like, doing Geography while fitting tongue and groove cladding to the walls in what the headmaster calls his brilliantly cunning economy drive by combining practical subjects and academic subjects as well as meeting maintenance targets is harder than it at first may appear. You see the bonding material for the clapping is very sticky and gets everywhere including sealing my books closed for ever, but luckily we were doing the old faithful subject in Geography of Oxbow lakes…….. What is it with Geography and the Oxbow lake apparently they have been the topic of lessons from the days of Stone Age man and the very first schools ever set up in the open next to an Oxbow lakes.

I then discovered when I realized my tin of glue to bond the cladding to the wall had fallen over and leaked onto my craft knives needed to created cardboard things, that the glue dissolves the handles of the craft knives. Not a worry in itself but I have this glue all over my hands and it does not come off that easily, I really do not fancy waking up tomorrow morning to find I can not turn off the alarm clock because my hands have vanished in the night.

I have also discovered that cows and Zombies are in cahoots together and are I suspect even as I type battling their way through the Zombie defence system. The Zombies who are unable to cross the Zombie defence ditch have got the cows eating their way through the large hedge to the side of this defence ditch and we are starting to see the odd head peering through it with all the clinical indifference of a cow who is obviously working with the Zombies to ensure their efforts at world domination will succeed. I don’t know what the cows get out of it but I bet it involves grass, you know what cows are like, after all that saying . . . . ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ started with cows and Zombies telling them stuff to lead them astray.

On top of all that the pigeons have also started hanging about at night in the trees and I cant help but think there is something going on; at least I can always cover the branches of the tree the pigeons are looking at us from in the glue for the cladding, that will soon stop their little game, maybe I can glue the cows to the ground too or maybe it will dissolve the cows and turn them into a Quatermass experiment. . . . . . WELL COOL . . . . . AH mum has said IDIOT, 

.

Aliens, interesting geometric shapes and large green monsters

Being a pupil; head boy as it happens (as you should all know) at a post modernist cyber-Academy somewhere in cyberspace, has certain advantages to that of a traditional school. You see on a hot sunny summer’s day when the students, and teachers for that matter are ambling about aimlessly bumping into one another and accidently sawing cats in half in the woodwork class, the health and safely officer can send everyone home on the spur of the moment. . . . So he did, on the grounds that he fancied a nice chilled day, I think more schools need to think like this it is great for student and teacher morale and a sunny day helps intelligence, (a well know fact).

At home I decided that it was time to attack and destroy three monsters in the garden three large green monsters known to all as The Three Bishops. These three monsters have been staring at us for some time now biding their time waiting for a loss of concentration so that they could pounce. Now none of us have got it in for Bishops in particular, but even a Bishop can be in the wrong place and so out came the chainsaw and I chopped then up and will burn the Bishops in the next few days. It is not everyone who gets to set fire to a Bishop.

In other news it appears that while I was busy doing battle chopping the arms and legs off Bishops aliens had left a sign in the fields to the side and behind us in the grass. Creating interesting geometric shapes which Mr Jones insists are telling him they wish make contact with the government and that we should phone the prime Minister and get him here pronto. He would of course do it himself but apparently they have blocked his phone and told him rather unfairly that he is a raving IDIOT, OK he might be a little over enthusiastic but not a raving IDIOT. And you can’t deny we have a field full of interesting geometric shapes suddenly turned up today out of nowhere.

Oooooo yes if anyone is wondering where the dog is at present he is on a sabbatical; being large and from the South American Jungle with red eyes and also fluent in Latin he felt he needed to go and chat to the Pope and advise him on stuff; and maybe nibble the odd saints bones to authenticate them.

Since dad reset the weather machine after the issue with the Big Red Button, the weather has been hunky dory here, I might press it again if things go down hill

Pigeons and the NEW date for the End of the World (sorry it keeps moving about)

As I write my diary I should be in conversation with others at a friends house eating posh food, but due to the curse of man flu I am instead at home writing my diary, on the bright side however I did not have to do things I did not fancy doing today. So as with most things in life there are positives and negatives to all situations.  And while on the subject of positives and negatives it appears that news that the world is due to end on the 21^st Dec may be wrong as my good friend Miss Fionaski has updated certain information and I quote

 I was informed today that it is not the 21st we should be waiting on but the 10th of December. If my sources are correct this is when a golden yod appears in the sky and astrologically speaking this is a biggie! Yod is translated to mean the hand of higher realms.

So rather than the long wait until the 21^st we only need to wait until the 10^th, bearing in mind the world is round and we have time zones that could mean anything from the 9^th to the 11^th Dec.  You see a flat earth may not be practical but its one great advantage is that the End of the Earth is much easier to predict in fact there are some that might suggest one on the reasons there are no flat planets left is because of their advantages in matters of apocalypse.

Anyway I am still suffering the effects of Man Flu so I will keep things short and to the point as best I can, bearing in mind I hate short and to the point a great deal as it seems such a waist of  good words (OK I don’t use that many good words, but I am a simple chap who has not been taught many good words).

I saw something a little worrying earlier; as you know we feed the local birds in winter as they struggle finding food. Among the birds we feed are six collar doves, it used to be two but recently the numbers increased, anyway as dusk fell in the tree next to the house were about 50 pigeons WHAT ……. If that lot land on the bird table the food will last all of five seconds. I am going to have to tell those collar doves to keep the food supply to themselves  instead of telling all their mates. 

.