Uncle George and the beast of the Curry

I am having a quite type before we run off for a curry with Mr Charlie and Miss Jane in Monty, although by the time you read this I will have eaten the curry and returned home. If  by any chance you are reading the paperback edition purchased for a few small coins in a second hand book shop in a small back street, run by a strange old man who could be anyone including me or the Ghost Writer, then that particular curry has long been gone and forgotten about. Well I say that, but should some sort of curry critter emerge from the depths of the curry with claws and snappy teeth growling it is likely the curry will not be forgotten about quickly.

Uncle George

 However at this point in time I am uncertain which of these two options is likely to occur, although I have a suspicion as to which is more likely based on the law of averages and some knowledge of curry construction.

The Ghost Writer and I moved loads of stuff today from his old office which now looks like it has been burgled, I said it would be the ideal time to burgle the office as no one would notice, although it has nothing worth running off with left in it. But I did get a desk and a thing. Amazingly while I was away Uncle George turned up which was a serious shock to everyone because Uncle George has been dead for two years. It means though that we can’t ask him what he has been up too for the last two years because to put it bluntly Uncle George is a pile of ash. Everyone thought he was lost out in the outback down in Australia and although he had said he was planning to return to Britain at some point no one could have guessed that the poor old postman would have to pore him through the letterbox. It is a wonder he made it through customs and was not confiscated for being an illegal substance.

I have returned from the curry and sadly no critters leapt out of it, but it did taste really good. The waiter said he came from Birmingham; he seemed a chirpy chap but was unable to explain why my curry did not contain critters with pointy teeth and snappy claws. Apparently this is far from normal in the Indian restaurants of Birmingham, but he has said he will mention it too them when he is next there maybe I will start a trend………

Silent Zen Retreats and Dinner, Micro Gods, the Z to A and other things

It has been one of those days were much has happened, but in a sort of not doing much way, so it sort of looks like not much has happened, I think we all have days like that and just at present I am having quite a few of them.

First thing this morning dad went off to get two new tyres on his car, but he had made the mistake of making his car tidy a while back and in so going had left a big tool box full of stuff in the garage which included the lock nut bolts for the wheels which can't be removed without them . . . . .AH so after about forty five minutes dad arrived home to collect the lock nuts and me, and we went off to get two new tyres, they are much better tyres because the car is much quieter now. It is surprising how much noise some car tyres can make, particularly square ones made of stone.

XYTHIM the Micro God of Words

On our return Miss I and Mr S were at our house they had arrived for lunch and we then waited for Miss Kate, Mr S’s mum who was also coming to lunch. When we sat down for lunch Miss Kate told us she was off to a Zen retreat after lunch up in the wild hills of the Welsh countryside, apparently it is a silent retreat with no power and old fashioned soil composting toilets and healthy food and you have to get up at five o’clock in the morning and because there is no electricity once its dark its dark. I am a little worried about this because if you don’t know where things are and it is a silent retreat you can’t ask folk how to find things, and if someone came and woke me up at five in the morning I would shout at them a lot. I would probably also fall about at night in the dark saying “where the hell is the light switch” only to be told off silently.

So by the end of lunch Miss Kate was starting to worry a bit as we explained all the pit falls of a strange Zen retreat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mad Zen monks with glazed looks and large axes who laugh in a slightly manic way but silently, and what happens if you do want more dinner you can't ask anyone.

Remember yesterday when I wrote Z is for the Zumtonians (sorry but not the Zubtonians, we don’t talk about them, well not in the silent retreat anyway)  as the start of my Z to A jolly and I said I had no plans to do Y today well its true so I have done X instead and I have drawn XYTHIM the Micro God of Words, the thing is the X is silent so it sounds like it should start with Y only it does not.  It seemed very appropriate to draw the Micro God of Words because I can say loads of them because I am not in a Zen Silent Retreat . . . . . HAH HAHAHHHAH HAH HAHAH HAHHA HAH HAH ah h hh ha hah ah ah hah aha hah ah ha ah ha hh ah hah ah ah ha ahhaha ha hah haha ha hahah HA HA HA.

OK I need to go it is getting dark (Oooooo luckily I have a light switch) HAHAhHAh hahah haahhah hahah hahhha………………. 

The Dinner Jacket and other things.

It appears that efforts are a foot (I know I really don’t understand the saying myself), to make me tidy as I will be going to a wedding next month at the house of Mr Charlie and Miss Jane, they are already married so it is not them getting married. Where big posh tents and the like will be scattered about the gardens for the massed masses most of whom I don’t know. As it happens I don’t think Mr Charlie or Miss Jane know many of them either so that’s OK.  We are out tomorrow night to have an Indian meal at the Indian restaurant with them so they will be able to tell us how plans are progressing then.

But as I was saying plans are a foot (underway) to make me a tidy person and so today I have gained a dinner jacket; no laughing or else I will mention you in my diary and make sure that when the film is made by the nice Steven Spielberg, the sniggering will be done by someone you don’t like.  It is only the jacket as the whole dinner suit would make me look like a drunken waiter and strangers would demand strangely named cocktails from me or nibbles on a silver tray. The plan is to turn me into a posh eccentric so I will get to wear a flashing, revolving bow tie, musical cufflinks and other accessories worn by posh folk that us scruffy lefties from the working class don’t understand. It does appear the dinner jacket was a bargain at M&S for £35.00 so that is  OK I like bargains.

Miss I and Mr S have just called by, heading to the Castle of the Bishop to have a curry there, this is the other Indian restaurant not the one we are off to tomorrow. It is Miss I’s birthday (happy birthday Miss I) and so they got to see my dinner jacket, I think they sniggered, but pretended that they did not . . . . .

Ooooooo yes tomorrow is the big meeting for the Ghost Writer, he is not a great fan of all day meetings and would rather poke things with a pointy stick, much like myself (no not poke me with the pointy stick).

Oooooo (again) there is another picture delay tonight as I need to go off and draw it now and drink tea.

Long Lost Relatives and Helicopters

Earlier today My long lost relative Miss Anne and her husband Mr Chris came to visit us and we all ate food and chatted about things like life the universe and cats and dogs and how to escape from a helicopter. It might sound odd to some that we discussed escaping from a helicopter but on a show of hands it was revealed that 75% of those present knew how to do this; well they knew how to do this as long as the helicopter landed in the sea. Although Miss Anne said that she might need the assistance of a diver with some decent underwater cutting equipment and we did all agree that this would certainly make the whole process considerably easier. Ooooo yes and all agreed that the helicopter had to be a Sikorsky 61 because everyone knew where the windows and doors are on one of those when it is upside-down.

Miss Anne and Mr Chris also left their dog at home because it likes cats, sorry I mean it likes to eat cats, it has something to do with the breed of dog it is a sort of husky type dog and out in the wilds where the snow can be deep and drift there is little food except the occasional passing cat and arctic explorer with a huge mechanical JCB thing.

 Miss Anne and Mr Chris then had to get back home to make sure the dog was happy and had not eaten all the neighbourhood cats, they have not lived in their present home long enough to be forgiven by the village for the loss of all the local cats. But in their haste to escape from my diary it appears that Mr Chris left his Porsche behind, I know not easily done but its true, dad has offered to drive it back to him very very fast it he needs it. But apparently Mr Chris has a spare one at home so PHEW that’s lucky. . . .           

Oooo must go and eat again I will return……

Ooooooooo (again) its ages later now, it just goes to show that if you stop and sit down it is very hard to get up again and do stuff and it is therefore best to do the stuff before you sit down. And I have also forgotten exactly what I was planning to write at the time, although when I say plan I don’t mean plan because I tend just to wave my hands in the general direction of the keyboard and hope for the best. I have it on good authority that all the best writers wear a blindfold and woolly gloves when they type and so I type like I have a blindfold and woolly gloves on.  

AH I think that’s it.

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I see a tall dark street light and many other things

So after getting up to go out I was confronted by the dog who stared into his crystal bone and said AH yes I see a tall dark street light. Then he said Hang on I see a journey SOUTH IN a car to visit a long lost relative who you have not seen for ages.  Well that is exciting, and then he said you will talk of many things and eat and drink tea and have a good time before you say . . . . it is time to go I need to get home. It was very impressive because it is exactly what happened, but although the dogs crystal ball certainly looks the part and the dog made me cross his paw with silver; all my silver as it happens. It was a little less impressive than it might appear because we had already made plans to visit my long lost relative last week so all in all the dog has run off with all my money again so that he can invest in Blockbuster and HMV shares. Yes rather risky indeed but the dog says that by looking into his crystal bone he has noted that it is less risky that it may at first appear. The reason being that it was all my money and not his . . . . . .. . . . That’s NOT FAIR.

Anyway it was really good to see Miss Anne and Mr Chris and we had a really good time and we hope to see then again soon to talk of other many things, the many things of which we did not get to talk of today because we were talking of many other things, and in the end there are only so many things you can talk about in one day.  What is good is that my long lost relative lives relatively close now after living not only a relatively long way away but also a very long way away.  It is a funny old would full of not nice things like the hole in the garden I will be told to jump into again in a days time that is full of mud wet and cold but every now and again something nice happens like today which is WELL COOL. . . . . 
  

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Buddha's head and fairy lights

It has been an interesting day and this afternoon we had a family barbeque under the canopy I made (showers all day so it was useful), it was a good BBQ I think although we did discover that the gas BBQ had as good as run out and in fact did run out during the cooking. And the instant disposable BBQ’s were in fact rubbish which might explain why they were dead cheap. This did not ruin the event but the masses did start to stir a bit because it took rather a long time to cook everything. Hopefully OK but you know what family are like they are kind and would not say, well that was rubbish.  

Apparently it was father’s day today………… AH that was a bit of a surprise but luckily for me the family got dad a huge silver Buddha head for the garden so he was well happy and we left him saying “A Gottle of Gear”  and reading the Alphabet “A Gee C Gee E Eeeeefff Gee Gayh I Jay Gay L M N O Gee etc” . I still don’t think dad knows its fathers day yet but he cant remember his birthday either so that’s OK.

It is getting late so will keep this very short tonight and go and watch fairy lights…

I was trying to think of BBQ music and for some weird reason the only song I could think of was this one, does this make me mad?

me in dynamic view 

The last day of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

Today turned into a very busy day indeed as it was the last open day (to the public) of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and lots of the regulars turned up to eat cake, drink tea, coffee and wine and generally have a good time and it was very busy. Even Miss Fionaski the famous Russian Spy, Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker and Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to say farewell. Unfortunately I was on drinks duty and I did sort of loose the plot.

I am OK with drinks and nibbles for say a hundred but after about two hundred people my brains blurs. Luckily Ian the Musical Hat Maker being a famous rock star back in the days when famous rock stars we proper rocks stars was able to entertain the masses with his wit and charm (not my shrunken head with the snakes body charm by the way).  So while I got the coffee, wine and orange juice all a bit mixed up, the man who had the strong black orange juice with a little milk and three sugars was well confused; Mr Ian told the masses of his exploits travelling across America as a rock god. 

By the end of the day we were to put it bluntly WELL KNACKERED and so have had a rather nice Indian takeaway from the rather nice Indian in Monty and are all planning to chill tonight and maybe even tomorrow.

Finally after my short preamble into the letter “A” yesterday I am by request attempting the letter “B” today…… Why Because HAH AHHAH HAH AHHAHA HAH HHA HAH hah hah hah hah hahhahah hah

Big bad brown blue eyed bear was borrowing Brian’s brains to bath a bandicoot from Borneo. When I say Borrow I refer to Brian’s advice but there are no B’s in advice so BUM. Talking of B’s I saw Bees in a blueberry bush in the back yard but bees buzz too much so I bought a Bollywood movie called Booooooo and shouted Boooooo that made the Bees Buzzzz off Back Home to Barmouth Beach 

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker who with his new knees is now one inch taller and can leap about again WELL COOL

The capitalist pig and the eco warrior and a Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone

Pancake Tuesday was the 8^th March last year so this year it is a bit earlier. And it is always worth having a little look back in time to see what happened. Well as you might expect me and the dog ate lots of pancakes but Pirate Pete stuck to his Ships biscuits with the weevils in. When I say stuck I am not referring to glued to his biscuit, none of us like to be glued to a biscuit full of weevils. And Auntie Karen tried to burn down the school although as she said at the time it was lovely and sunny so no one minded too much.

I refer back to these events because this year it is sort of grey and the International Space Station (nudge nudge wink wink) is low flying over head every night, although tonight it was not possible to see it due to low cloud. But we have eaten loads of pancakes, well most of us have as Sooty the Cat wanted Squirrel pancakes and we were all out of Squirrel as the local ones have sussed the cats, and so far have escaped capture (just).

I don’t think Auntie Karen has set fire to anything this year and is giving up the world of knowledge to concentrate on playing the Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone and perfecting the art of juggling both at the same time while playing that old favourite of my blog and the squirrels Tip Toe Through The Tulips. Auntie Karen has told us she plans to pursue a new career as one of the idol rich, although mum says there is one small error in Auntie Karen’s plan. I tried to ask what this error was but mum said IDIOT ……….. that’s NOT FAIR.

Talking of NOT FAIR the Ghost Writer has said this several times today as he has to go to Brecon tomorrow to look at the Trogon Horse in cyberspace, which he says is the wrong side of the firewall. Well that is Trogon horses for you. As the old saying goes “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and so on”. That’s the thing with horses you can’t trust them I am sure it was that horse that ruined my opportunity of making the blockbuster movie with the nice Steven Spielberg. He kept whispering in Mr Spielberg’s ear HAY HAY OVER HERE and then the next thing you know the bloody horse is a celeb.     

School is ticking along as school should, but I did get to pick the lock to the headmasters office as he had left his keys at home and was trying to kick the door down. I then had to pick the lock to the exam filing cabinet and the school safe. Esmeralda was well impressed and wants me to show her how to do stuff like that, but after the incident with the history teacher’s car when I showed Esmeralda how to hot wire one of those new Jaguars I think it might be best if I don’t.

I am sure something else happened today but I can’t remember.

Oooo yes dad has got his solar panels forms in the post now to beat the 3^rd March deadline. Mum has called him a capitalist pig but dad says he’s an ECO warrior. 

The PS3 and the Macaroni cheese .............. YUK

Just as I was going to school today mum and dad got a message to say little Jamie my cousin, well when I say cousin it is very complex indeed as one might expect with a family that lives on both sides of the internet in the real and cyberspace worlds. Jamie had a headache and was feeling not well so he got the day off school so mum and dad were sort of babysitting

 I was well jealous at first I had to go to school and do Latin astrophysics and the long jump although not all at the same time luckily. In the end it was OK though because mum and dad said they were going to the big supermarket so they took him with them YUK. It seems Jamie is not used to supermarkets so when he was allowed to push the trolley round the store it sort of went wrong.

Jamie is used to playing all day on one of those Sony PS3 games console things; it’s what children do in the real world apparently. However he go the supermarket trolley mixed up with something called Maria Cart or something like that and he said he thought he had to get points by wiping out little old ladies as he rushed up and down the aisles of the supermarket. Dad did point out he did it very well for someone who was clearly not on top form as Jamie was feeling ill. Dad was also impressed by Jamie’s ability to improvise by building a harpoon gun from items in the store and scoring a triple bonus by pinning the supermarket manager to one of the freezer cabinets with it. Mums main complaint was that he was running about so much it was difficult to get items in trolley so she could buy them.

It did work out quite well in the end because poor old Jamie not being well ran out of steam because he was not well and he was then sick in the fresh delicatessen counter which resulted in the sales of fresh macaroni cheese plummeting for the rest of the day. But Jamie and his trolley were thrown out of the store and told never to return and the trolley was full of mum and dads shopping so they got it all for free although they left the macaroni cheese in the trolley saying they didn’t fancy it any longer but they did get several frozen turkeys for the dog. The dog said we should make Jamie sick more often but I don’t think mum agrees. The dag said just a bit sick and says he fancies a big bowl of macaroni cheese now YUK

The other little black cat (Sooty?) has not been seen today and extra food was bought in the supermarket just to feed it too but the dog says YUM