An A to Z Coronavirus observational guide. . . R

R

Restaurants and Cafes

Well I don’t go out much (OK not at all now) I am rather a unsociable and grumpy sort of a chap. . . Although in a nice way (honest). There was a time many moons ago when I would venture to a music festival and almost look cheery if it was a really good band. However as time has passed I find I am much happier going out for a quiet meal in a decent restaurant or at my favourite location known to all (OK just me) as Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café. A place where food is of a quality far beyond the price you pay for it. I think partly because the chap who owns it and cooks all the food is also a very grumpy chap.

But all that has changed now I can’t go out to eat and nor can most folk on the planet at present.  This is sad and for those whose business is a restaurant or café potentially catastrophic. You see under lockdown we are unable to visit to eat, but it is likely that even when lockdown restrictions start to be lifted the chances are places where people go to sit down for a nice meal with friends may remain closed. This is because despite the desire of many governments to get businesses up and running again; those at the back of the queue will be the ones where folk meet socially in groups. Many small cafes and restaurants just do not have the financial resources to survive being shut for any time as most live a hand to mouth existence (no pun intended).  I suspect it will be the end of the road for Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and he and me will both be a bit grumpier.

There will be many changes after Covid-19  . . .  A lot more than people realise

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Let Them Make Bread . . . . . .

(8...)

Damn its wet today, On the bright side I am glad I cut the grass yesterday as it now means it can go . . . . . .OOOOoooooo rain lets grow really fast . . . . . It also meant I spent this morning making bread as a chap is inclined to do bearing in mind I can make two things, Bread and Ginger Biscuits.  . . . (OOooo and Arty things)

The cats are sulking they don’t really like rain much either, and the House Martins who I forgot to mention yesterday turned up for the first time seem to be sulking also. It’s a long way from Africa to arrive just in time to find the rain has started.

Pesky Rain.

Actually as I type I can see a hint of sun, but it’s really wet so I still can’t get the roof of the workshop felted yet.

My wife received a phone call today to say her new glasses are now ready so we can go and collect them in the next few days. I have told her she will now see the handsome sophisticated me in all my glory once again, but she rolled about on the floor in hysterics pointing and saying I am mad and dishevelled  . . . Well I was very surprised I was not expecting a compliment.

Right I plan to wander about a bit and be the man of the house and look important in order to keep those cats in their place on the pecking order.

I may return later . . . . . or may not

OK I have but I have to admit I have not done a lot. Well it has been damp and grey so it is not really the sort of day folk get bouncy and enthusiastic in.

Todays Homemade Bread

Its Raining and that is Annoying. . . Very Annoying.

Well it has been raining today that was not meant to happen as my plan (well we know all about Plans) was to work on the roof of the new workshop so I can fit the roofing felt. OK using roofing felt is a slight cheat, but as it’s a workshop for me I feel a few easy options are allowed. It will have many other little bits which folk will look at and say . . . . . Why?

So instead I made Ginger biscuits. I don’t really cook or make much that is edible but ginger biscuits are one of them and very popular they are too. They are also Gluten free so my youngest daughter will eat them. I say youngest but she is 40 now which I think makes me old and knackered. However the kids like ginger biscuits so don’t point and laugh and say I am old and knackered when I make them or I will shout Yah Sucks Boo at them and eat the entire lot myself. 

 It seems it could be showery for a few days now which is rather annoying. Maybe I will dig out the old weather machine and point it at the clouds. Much in the same way the kids point at me only with a weather machine I get to pull the trigger and the clouds don’t like that much. 


 Well that’s it I have posted a nonspecific post on my blog and I have not done that in ages . . . . . It’s the rains fault. . . .

Pesky rain

The icing was fine but the chocolate was playing up a bit

Pesky Chocolate

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The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter O

Yes OK I photographed my Food . .  a lot of folk do it

 O

O Dear . . . Plan O . . . . Have you noticed how Plan O actually looks like Piano (yes it does) this is not a coincidence by any means.  Both have important key points both can be harmonious and both can create discord particularly if a Duck is involved in any way.  Both have strings attached and are difficult to move about.  Both come in a variety of sizes and annoy or please people depending on the situation

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I’m sure some of you will know that I have a rather (very) old Piano which I saved from a fate worse than Death after the nice little old lady that owned it died. It was left outside and would have been destroyed had not an old friend asked if I wanted a Piano. Well you can’t let something like that just get destroyed after all that is one of the main problems with the World today we just throw stuff out and think nothing of it. Well that is not going to happen here or luckily under the detailed small print of Plan O.

Yes come the revolution Plan O will be the future.

Have you ever thought Ostriches look a bit like large ducks?  O Yes They Do.

Now someone on the A to Z mentioned Robots Yesterday

So here a a couple I have drawn or made

RoboSanta and his helper. 

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter J

J

Well here we are with Just another Plan. Not Plan J which I dismissed as a completely silly idea way back while expounding the values of Plan B on Letter B of the Alphabet.  Of course by saying it’s Just another Plan gives a sense of modest and some would say Justified Juxtaposition as might be expected by a humble yet handsome member of the Jet set . . . (OK I jest).

Those of you who have started to follow my strange A to Z Challenge this year (yes I know nobody is) will probably be thinking well at least no ducks are going to turn up I mean this is the letter J. However you are forgetting about the ever popular  Japanese Criollo Duck which even as I type is on the phone to his mate the Khaki Campbell Duck warning him of the impending arrival of the Letter K.

Well onwards and upwards . . . . I hope the rest of you are coping with the Alphabet, my top tip keep it short, keep it simple and don’t stress. It should after all be Fun and if you are not enjoying it then Why are you doing it?

As many of you know I make stuff

Including Ginger Biscuits

Which I also eat.

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter E

   A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

E

Well Plan E then . . . . And before you all think Plan E you can’t have Plan E . . . O yes you can I just Googled it and there are more Plan E’s than you could wave an Egg at and I am not Exaggerating. While on the subject of Eggs I would like to point out after yesterday I don’t Eat Duck Eggs either . . . Just thought I should let you know.  Now how do we Effectively and Efficiently Exit an E based Experimental Plan E without over Exciting the Masses (that’s you lot by the way), Plus an assortment of Egrets, Eagles, Earwigs as well as many other E based animals that just for now have Escaped my mind.

Well as Sherlock Holmes would say  . . . . Elementary my Dear Watson.

The Calm before the Storm and a Tidy House

    

The Classic Rituals of a British Wet Sunday.

It is Sunday and I have just had a roast dinner of belly pork with roast potatoes, roast parsnip, roast carrots,  cabbage and some pigs in blankets (that’s sausages wrapped in Bacon for those outside the UK) and a couple of Yorkshire Puddings. This was followed by a nice cup of tea and a Mr Kipling French Fancy (pink). It was lovely and I have now sat down for a quick break in front of the PC.  Of course in the old days I would settle down in front of a good Gary Cooper Western in glorious black and white while the rain attacked the windows.  OK I don’t watch old movies on the TV these days and I can’t remember the last time I noticed Gary Cooper on the box, but it is still raining as it did in the old days.

Anyway this has made me ponder the ritualistic behaviour of us human beings (OK yes I have done this before), you see we all tend to have routines and rituals that we do on an almost daily basis.  Take today. I got up staggered about for a bit until I found the bathroom and was frightened by some terrible beast in the mirror peering back at me. I managed to make a cup of tea feed the cats and stagger back to bed for a while, then got up again staggered about again until I found clothing got washed and grunted and pointed at stuff. I then as I do either on a Saturday or Sunday drove into the Castle of the Bishop and bought some croissants from the Spar Shop. . . they are remarkably good and freshly made and worth the trip.  On returning home I ate the croissants having heated them up a bit first, with more tea and grunting a lot and pointing at things like the cats or squirrels or pheasants that are all watching and waiting for food. I then feed all these critters who devour the food in seconds. They do not realize just how expensive all that food is, luckily they spend a lot of time chasing each other in a game of tactics to see who can get the most food.  After cleaning my teeth and scaring myself in the mirror again I sort out the wood burner so that it can be lit later today, that also meant getting some logs and coal in and sorting out some kindling and emptying the ash. I have also put all the recycling in the car ready to get rid of the lot tomorrow, one of the newer rituals of modern life. In the old days it all went in the big trusty metal bin and was thrown by men into a huge bottomless pit. Sadly they can see the bottom of the pit now so we recycle instead, and normally the men come and take it, but due to the constant windy weather of late it is easier to get rid of it all myself rather than see it all blowing up the road.

I then had more tea pointed at stuff (again) and gave the cats more food, the cats eat a lot of food, but they are now sleeping. As for me, this afternoon is going to be lazy I did my good deed yesterday and so I have few plans other than drinking more tea and annoying folk on the internet a bit. . . Only because Gary Cooper has run off somewhere. I might do a bit of drawing if I feel in the mood but it is a damp slightly chilly Sunday in the rolling hills of Shropshire so being lazy seems the best option.

The point of all this though, is to point out that us humans like our routine and rituals and we are not at our best when we are forced out of them, which for me today is not the case . . .PHEW

And OK this is not one of my more exciting days, but remember what I said about Neil Armstrong. . . . . . . . . . . its not all moon rock and rockets.    

Gardens and Motivations . . . . and the thoughts of the Jabberwocky

With the kitchen Diner fast reaching a point of completion and the prospect of a sunny weekend, I was sent into the garden to do battle with the ever impregnable vastness of it. Phew it has grown somewhat in the last month or so since I last took some serious notice of it. So it was a good opportunity to test the newly refurbished Steam Powered Strimmer, a device with a history of great fickleness and the ability to sulk for days on end. But today it was in a chirpy mood indeed and we set off in perfect harmony into the lush greenness of what was once called a Lawn.

Now I was not really so keen on this at the start of the day but was talked round with the prospect of something exciting for our evening meal such as slow roasted Japanese Godzilladom with crispy fried Welsh Dragon Scales and Wizards Balls. . . . NO NO not those balls, this is a child friendly blog you lot, but truffles and Saffron covered in the gold leaf and crushed fairy wings and sprinkled with the unknown thoughts of the Jabberwocky and a bit of maple syrup. Followed by Ice Cream covered in fresh Double Cream and Walnuts and a bit of Strawberry Crumble.  It’s one of those recipes from that book . . . Fantastic Feasts and How to Eat Them . . .  Written by that well known author  . . . . . . . . . . Ah . . . . thingy. . .  what’s their name?  Apparently it has been rewritten and all those recipes for wizards like roast or barbecued beasts and dragons have been removed as it was making small children cry. So the new book has no recipes and its name has been changed a bit, and have you ever tried to buy fresh eye of newt and wing of bat in Sainsbury’s, its not easy.

Anyway I have cut the grass at the front today and if all goes well will set too on the jungle round the back of the house tomorrow. . . . . AH yes that meal, well due to certain issues and not actually having any Welsh Dragon Scales at present we had Pizza, and the cat ate the fairy, I warned them not to flap those wings near the cat.  Still it was a rather tasty Bat Wing Pizza with a bit of spiced Jabberwocky so I was quite happy.

I am well knackered though so will go and chill for a while.

AH the cat has been sick . . . . . . YUCK.       

HD85512b also known as Earth 2 or Super Earth and possible issues that may arise

Earlier today while busy doing stuff I was contemplating writing an interesting tale about HD85512b or Earth Two as it has become known in the press.  Humans have long been keen to meet aliens and the like and this is a great opportunity if it was just a bit closer.  But then I thought to myself even if we did meet them communication would be rubbish.  We sort of assume most of the time that because as humans we are clever it would all be easy and anyway if aliens get to Earth they would be super clever and work out what we were talking about.

Well there are two important points, the first of which is if we are so damn clever how come we have never managed to talk to other species on Planet Earth. All critters communicate using some sort of language (OK some of the tiny ones don’t).  Maybe it is possible that science has already achieved this but it is an official secret for rather logical reasons, I mean imagine how folk would feel about eating beef if the following conversation happened every time you went near a field of cows.

Oooooo hello rob what have you got there is it nice

Ah yes its a burger, they are rather popular

It looks interesting is it made of grass

No its a bun made of bread with fried onions, a bit of mustard and A meat burger

meat???

Well when I say meat I mean stuff

Stuff. . . . . What sort of stuff

Well mmmm sort of beef

WHAT

Well its only a bit of meat, a tiny bit really Look

AAAuuuuugghhhh that looks like Gertrude.

Gertrude no its just a burger I mean I would never eat Gertrude, well certainly not any important bits.

I don’t like you any more

Ah sorry about that Look I will only eat sheep

Bastard. . . . . . . 

Well as humans kill or eat almost everything that moves communicating with it would cause issues so it might well be that science and the powers that be have suppressed this.

Of course the second issue is if super intelligent aliens did turn up they would look upon us in the same way we look upon Cows and think hey these critters will make great burgers. Leading to the following conversation

You can not eat us . . . we are Humans

and very tasty you are too

No you don’t understand we are intelligent beings

Are you sure . . . you have not done much

Yes we have . . .  we have been to the moon

AH hah ahah ah ah ah a hahah ah ahah h a ha hah ah ahaha ha you are funny critters the moon is just up there I mean it is not exactly very far is it.

Well we have stuff like Mmmmmmmmmmmm toasters and bombs and love a good war

Well I think that sort of proves our point. that is just a waist of a good burger. Look I tell you what I will not eat the squishy bits I don’t like them anyway, you can keep them

WHAT

Now just hop into this liquidiser

Bastard

So despite the human desire to meet aliens, one would have to conclude that it would not end well.  Let’s face it if we manage to get to a planet in the future will we communicate with the life on it or eat it, particularly if it has four legs and is cow shaped.

The Mighty God of the Sky, A slice of Bread and a Huge Beast.

I was eating my evening meal, a quiche with fried potatoes and salad followed by raspberry crumble and double cream and looking out of the window. We have very large windows this house is the lightest house (as in light rather than not heavy) I have ever lived in.  And as I looked out over the horizon there appeared a huge dragon like beast with eyes and pointy teeth and wings. It was all blue and grey and huge I mean really huge filling a fair bit of the sky and getting bigger all the time. Anyway I got distracted by my food for a minute or two as I pondered which slice of bread to eat. 

Looking back out of the window I was then shocked to see the large beast with its pointy teeth and wings had vanished and the sky was now full of nothing but a big blue grey cloud drifting eastwards in a cloud like manner. . . . Well that was mighty odd indeed.

But it got me into thinking about stuff in the sky, we don’t really have the same link with the sky like our ancestors did going back in time. I mean it was how humans managed to navigate all over the world looking at the stars in the sky and watching the sun and stuff like that. And then going back at least 2000 to 3000 years plus ago humans would make huge great stone circles to celebrate the Sun arriving in the morning and then very conveniently vanishing in the evening so that folk could have a sleep. Yes these were the Suns glory days when it was treated like a God.  Although the Sun still goes round and round the Earth (Yes Yes I know Bloody science has ruined that theory well and proper) giving us a nice confidently length, twenty four hour day (Phew that is lucky) no one goes out and leaps about at it calling it a God. . . . . OK not entirely true there are folk who go and wave at the Sun but they are a bit of a mixed bunch to say the least.

Maybe a few more stone circles and chanting might just help the Sun regain its pride and show up in a bit more of a God like way, that would be much appreciated around here. 

4th July . . . . A friendly Message from Britain (again) . . . .Yes we are still friendly (mostly)

With the Forth of July tomorrow I thought it was a good day to repeat last years post about the 4th July because as it happens I will be busy tomorrow doing my good deed. . . . . . It is good to do good deeds it sort of shows folk that we are not all nasty and some of us are generally quite nice . . . . . . a bit . . . . . . sometimes.

Today is the 4^th of July a day that is celebrated in the USA as Independence Day, a day when I am told America leaps about, lets off fireworks and folk stand about being patriotic. Here in Britain folk carry on as normal unless it is Sunday in which case they all go to IKEA.

Us British have always wondered why our American friends decided they were not happy being a colony of Britain, after all the ordinary man in the street such as myself is a fairly nice sort of chap and in general find Americans a nice bunch who almost speak half decent English. In fact it would be true to say that more English understand Americans than a Glaswegian just a few miles up the road in Scotland.  The American accent being sort of a cross between Middle England and Middle Australian, probably because they live in the land between these two great countries. America is more a group of small countries known as States so is sort of a bit like Europe really only they fight less and don’t insult their adjoining states like we do in Europe, (We have all gone off Greece a bit more since last year). 

However the good folk of the USA do have one or two odd anomalies that we notice from time to time when they come to visit the old homeland. They do seem to spell some words a bit oddly, however I do that all the time so I understand how that can happen. And they do seem to like the Queen and all the Royals, a bit odd when they were so keen to get rid of them in the first place. Ironically there are many folk in Britain who would love to get rid of the Royals and would happily sell a few to the USA.  I have also heard them imply that their Zombies and Monsters are better than our Zombies and Monsters, well that is just plain silly everyone knows European Monsters are superior to all by a long way.  And we all know that a nice cup of tea and crab paste sandwiches in an old Lyons Café can not be compared with MacDonald’s, it is a foolish thing to even attempt. When was the last time you saw the corner of your Big Mac curling up in the sun and getting crusty while a gang of little old ladies pondered the iced buns.

Anyway I hope you lot over in the USA have enjoyed your day, and if you ever feel you would like to rejoin us (it is never to late) we are happy to share a nice tea party (not that one but the one where you drink tea in the garden) with you………… . . . .

What happened to that Tea Party of yours did they vanish off into the wild forests of Canada looking for the Big Foot. . . 

Lazy Days, Kitchens, Takeaways, Huge Birds and a Fox

I have had a lazy-ish day doing a bit in the kitchen and eating a not so good Chinese takeaway. I think they mean well, but dissolving that much sugar into your meal is a bit off putting. It’s a damn shame because it’s a nice shiny place now and they all smiled, but hey ho and tickety boo such is life in the country, the options are limited.

Anyway I have discovered pipes behind a couple of the old units that are being ripped out and replaced with the new IKEA shiny red ones. This is a slight problem no one likes pies (sorry pipes) where it would be so much easier to get on with stuff if there were no pipes. I can’t move the pipes either as they attached to large lump of metal the size of an average range style cooker. As it happens that is exactly what it is, it provides hot water, central heating and will cook stuff, although its ability to cook depends entirely on the mood it is in and we have long decided it is too temperamental to be trusted with meals.

So I will be pondering and will need to modify the new units a bit in order to make everything look like it was all planned in the first place. I suspect this is the name of the game in the world of assembling a Kitchen, behind all those neat rows of doors in every kitchen in all the world lies a myriad of bodges and tweaks to make it all look as it should. I am confident it will all be OK as there was a huge beast of a bird sat in the apple tree the size of a small sheep while I ate my takeaway. It was being pestered by a blackbird which sat  on the same branch a couple of feet away shouting and leaping about, which was brave considering it was no more that a snack for the big beast. Anyway the blackbird won as the big beast got fed up with all the noise and flew off.  I saw a Fox as well today scurrying across the road and looking like it was up to no good. It was an adult so must be a true cunning fox because about 90% of the folk in these parts will point guns and shoot Mr Fox no questions asked. . . . . 

Another old story from the past that I am annoying the masses with

Another oldie because I am a lazy chap. . . . Anyway the BBC do it all the time and folk never complain . . . OK they never complain much . . . . OK yes they do complain loads, but what is a chap to do, I have many things that need to be done. . .

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So once upon a time . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche of the time, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans. Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like the nodding dog in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)….

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was that the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow, Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes. But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed OK they were scathed to bits). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I AM A NATURALIST CALLED SIR NAPIER WINKY KNAPSACK I AM LOOKING FOR THE VERY RARE BLIND NEPALESE NOCTURNAL NODDING NEWT THAT LIVES IN THE CAVES. I WISH TO RETURN TO BRITAIN WITH MANY BREEDING PAIRS TO SAVE THE SPECIES FOR MANKIND. CAN YOU HELP ME MEET SOME

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I AM SIR NAPIER WINKY KNAPSACK,I AM COMPLETELY ORGANIC; I HAVE LIVED IN THE CAVES OF BRITAIN EATING PEARS AND BREAD AND THE OCCASIONAL NEWT. I HAVE SPENT ALL MY LIFE ON A NATURAL DIET. I WOULD LIKE TO COME WITH YOU SO YOU CAN EAT SOME OF ME.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again. Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land. A land that has not been found since.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . WELL A NOD IS AS GOOD AS A WINKY TO A BLIND NEWT.    

What is the Truth about Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear and the Fracas . . .Big Questions Answered

Here in Britain in the last couple of days the Big Question has been . . .  What did Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson do, what is the nature of the so called Fracas . . . .  Some of you who are not from Britain will probably know the name and that he is one of the co-presenters of BBC2’s rather popular show Top Gear, a rather light hearted motoring program.  Here in Britain he is a bit like Marmite he is a love him or hate him character for many reasons.

Now before I progress I need to point out that I am a rather left wing chap politically and a firm believer in equality irrespective of gender colour nationality wealth or disability. We should all have the same opportunities in life where possible to achieve our goals and do the things we wish to do.  I know I am an idealist because even the so called left wing counties in the world are far from equal; in fact some are worse than the so called Decadent West.

This brings us back to Mr Jeremy Clarkson who we are told is rather/very right wing chap politically. As I do not know him in person I can only be guided by the media. You see over the years he has reputedly said some terrible things, many of them on the very popular Top Gear. Now I watch this program, I like it, and find it rather entertaining and I have heard some of the comments and the like that have made the news. And to me as a lefty idealist he has always appeared to be a bit devilish rather than racist or sexist, he just likes to have a little dig at the modern paranoia for political correctness.  He is a very good motoring journalist and does a brilliant job on Top Gear, it is not his fault that this has made him very rich, and rich folk tend to be right wing. I suspect he is also something a Prima Dona after a rather charmed life as a celebrity but to me he has a dry wit, a way with words and is a great driver (or appears to be on the show). 

So what has brought us to the suspension of Top Gear and Jeremy Clarkson well it appears after a long day of filming the crew arrived back at their hotel at 10pm to a cold buffet. This led Mr Clarkson to let rip verbally at one of the producers and we are told man handle him a bit (exact details are a bit grey). Well I suspect he was tired and hungry and probably stressed, he is almost as old as me, OK a bit younger, but as you get older you need a decent meal at some point in the day. And its no good thinking he is a TV celeb so its all pink champagne and letting the fans lick his boots, he works like the rest of us, yes it’s a great job (OK I don’t really work a lot these days) but a job is a job and after a long day where you are expecting a meal at a hotel you really should get it.

Just imagine a group of miners arriving back at the surface after a long dayin the mine to be told the canteen is serving a cold salad, would they smile and say Oooooooo YUM. . . . I think not.

So BBC if you read this (which is unlikely as I am merely a member of the public with idealist left wing tendencies) just get everyone to say sorry to each other shake hands and get Top Gear back on the TV and Mr Clarkson back driving round that track telling us that This car steers like a python covered in grease on a frozen pond in Norwich on a cold wet Sunday while being watched by nuns . . . Oooo hang on you WOULDN'T get nuns in Norwich.

Letters of complain, demanding the sacking of Mr C the following week because of the implications of no nuns in Norwich. 

Why do humans like different stuff . . . The Big Question

I have just enjoyed a rather good Indian takeaway and am now drinking a nice cup of tea made by me. Interestingly the Indian restaurant makes great food but their tea is rubbish. I have tried to get them to make weak tea in the past but they just can’t understand the concept and it arrives like a cup of crude oil, ready to take the hairs off your chest and make you sing like Tiny Tim on helium.

Anyway this has made me ponder one of those big questions which is the vague theme of this year’s blog. Only because you were all getting bored with the day to day life of me doing my day to day stuff and writing a daily diary.  Yes the big question is . . . . . . Why do humans like different stuff. . . .  At first this might seem like a silly question but is it, you see in nature Lions eat Gazelles or Zebra, they dont go . .  AAAAhhhhh I wanted vanilla ice cream I don’t like raspberry ripple ice cream.  So why are humans so damn fickle about stuff why will one chap like pink and one like orange but with a subtle hint of blue.

I think we have to put this down to evolutionary development. To many (well mostly humans) humans are the pinnacle of evolutionary development on earth, we have invented the wheel and the screwdriver. However all species of critter on Earth will diverse to some degree in order to cope with environmental changes that may occur such as drought, flooding, temperature change or food sources vanishing. The problem for mankind is that humans are the first critter on planet Earth to change his environment to suit him rather than the other way round. This is OK while its all in control but just lately it has all sort of got out of hand, humans are ironically too successful as a species and have to put it bluntly buggered the planet a bit (I know a strong word for me indeed).

The thing is though, we are at the end of the day just another critter evolving on planet Earth in order to continue as a successful species, we are programmed to do this and have no free will to do anything else.  But as we are now slightly detached from nature thanks to things like central heating, cars, aeroplanes, supermarkets, chairs, Indian takeaways and many many other things, our genetic diversity has gone a bit odd taking an un-nature turn.

What this means is that some of us will like flock wallpaper while other will prefer a nice painted wall, or maybe you will find you prefer a city flat to a county cottage in the country. All well and good, but I suspect when it comes to the crunch and our environment makes a sudden change it seems unlikely that only those who eat coffee fudge ice cream and prefer a nice floral wall paper with matching rugs will survive. The rest of us dying out because of our taste in soft furnishing and liking lemon bon bons from the old corner sweet shop which sadly has become extinct.  

The Big Questions I Can't Answer (or a Quiz Night)

I am off at a quiz night tonight to very possibly be asked to answer questions, as that is the general nature of quiz nights. I am not a silly unknowledgeable chap, however I am not good at answering questions at random out of the blue, it is not what I do.  Also Quiz nights tend to have questions about popular television, I do not know much about popular television except most of it is rubbish and my poor old brain is confused by the fact it is popular. Quiz nights also have questions about sport and football, a game involving a round ball and played by chaps from abroad who earn huge amounts of money; one of whom once said something about Seagulls. . .  And popular music is in general another subject that tends to crop up at such events. . . I am also not good at popular music which these days seems to involve boy bands and folk who have won TV talent shows . . .  I have decided to answer all these particular questions with either  . . . Tiny Tim or Country Joe and the Fish . . . that way I stand a small chance of getting one question right.

The good news is this quiz night is to be held of Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the home of the greatest food in the world and at midpoint in the proceeding we all stop for chicken pie and chips unless you are a veggie in which case it’s the veggie option. This makes the humiliation of being last by several hundred points behind a mad old granny and her team of cats acceptable.  Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do in order to consume the delights of great pies.

Of course this years blog theme which I keep departing from on an almost daily basis is The Big Questions, so it is more than a little ironic that I will be sitting blank faced, drinking orange juice shouting TINY TIM TINY TIM TINY TIM at my fellow team mates as they ponder on the question  . . . . Who was the last Governor-General of the Belgian Congo? and for a bonus point what was the name of his dog . . . . While they try and think if Baron Théophile Wahis was the last one or not because he was not that keen on dogs only to find out after that rather ironically (there will be much irony) he did have a small dog called Tiny Tim. . . . .  At which point I will look smug and nod with a knowing nod.  As I have said Tiny Tim must be the answer to something. I have a feeling he sang a cover of that famous Charles Dickens song . . .  Santa in Red. . . .  

Mans Last Great Adventure . . .

I am starting to prepare for my trip into the unknown a trip fraught with danger and wild beasts and things of which I am yet to think of. Preparations have already been made and we will be setting up our first camp in the freezer section of the huge out of town supermarket next to the frozen Peas. This will give us some protection from the prevailing winds that blow constantly from the large automated sliding doors.  I will be undertaking this journey with Esmeralda, Freddie and his Ferrets and we have managed to acquire bearers to carry the heavy equipment needed to complete our task. Our negotiations with the local tribe called The Checkouts failed terribly, but luckily Freddie found the leader of the reclusive Trolleymen who has agreed to carry our supplies for a modest fee. It seems the Trolleymen have some sort of strange device they use to carry stuff in called a trolley, which I suspect is the reason they are called the Trolleymen.

Anyway we will shortly be starting our trip (well sometime in the next few days) to find the source of the last great river that man has yet to explore.

Yes as our support vehicles park up in the car park of the great out of town supermarket in readiness there is nothing left to do but publicly announce our attempt to find the elusive Source Of The Aisle

Things are looking good for this MAN'S Last Great Adventure we have already had two memorable quotes from Freddie and Esmeralda

Dr Livingstone’s Fresh Organic Cornish Pasties I presume

And

I am going for a little walk I may get some thyme.

Should our expedition be successful there is already talk of an attempt on the North Face of the IKEA in the future.                 

The Queen, Scottish Devolution, Scotland, England and Royal Babies

It appears that here in Britain we are going to get another royal, only as yet we don't know exactly when and what sex it will be, and what they will be called, and which bit of Britain they will be given so they can say they are the Duke/Duchess of Hull or the like. I suspect it will not be a bit of Scotland though.  Which is a small point I have not heard a single person mention yet in respect to Scottish Devolution. Will the Queen (no the Queen is not called Will) still be the Queen of Scotland if they take the leap of faith and leap. I rather hope they do as a Scot, but us Scots have a habit of leaping into big muddy holes where folk jab at us with pointy sticks.

The Queen rather likes Scotland and she may even decide to abdicate from England and Wales and become Mary Queen of Scots, sorry I mean Elizabeth Queen of Scots. She is also rumoured to be a bit religiously inclined towards Catholicism and this would allow her to convert.

England would then have King Charles (Oooo go on vote yes Scotland) and as a Protestant and a bit outspoken he would probably attack his mum lock her in the tower and then have her sort of executed much like the original Mary Queen of Scots was by Elizabeth the First. . . . The world is full of such ironic twists. Scotland of course would shout and wave pointy sticks and head south raiding the north of England and steal all their fish and chips and Newcastle Brown and have a grand party. But get defeated the following day by the English before the Scots get a chance to recover their wits.

The whole affair finally getting sorted by the Director of Planning at the Cumbrian County Council a Mr Hadrian who builds a big wall.     

I have cleaned a lot of windows today but only on the one side, the Scottish side . . . that’s the outside because that’s the wettest side . . . HAH HAH AH Ah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hhah ah ah haha hah ha.

And the English on the inside have nicked all the cosy chairs,  but luckily the oil tank is on the outside so AH HAH AH AH hah ah ah ha ha hah ha hah ah ha hah aha h aha ha YA SUCKS BO.

AH DAMN mum says I'm an IDIOT.