Monday, 30 April 2012

Steven Spielberg, James Bond and the destruction of the world. A to Z.

As we all know at the end of March on the A to Z practice run myself, Tim, Esmeralda and the massed forces of class 5-ZZ-B2 re-enacted the slightly less know although rather exciting movie “ James Bond and the Zoo Zombies of Zanzibar”. Personally I think of it as one of the all time classic movies in the Bond series.  At the time I wrote: - TO BE CONTINUED:- (30th April) unless I can think of something better? And as it happens I can’t so we will return.

James Bond and the Zoo Zombies of Zanzibar
Rob ZILLION Tobor as ………… James Bond (Hero)
Tim as ………………… ZORRO the evil arch villain
Esmeralda as…………… ZELDA the arch villains Floozy
And everyone else as……. The Zombies of Zanzibar

Directed and produced by………The Dog

So after briefly escaping and stumbling through a forest of letters consisting of almost everything from A to Y Mr Bond is faced with a huge overpowering Z. The secret headquarters of Zorro the master criminal bent on world domination and pointing large Lasers at rather important places, and with menacing demands for lots of Gold (Yes Yes the usual plot Yawn Yawn……… DAM we are not doing Y now).

After stupidly walking in the main entrance dressed as the Pizza delivery man Bond is caught with ease by a scary guard with pointy metal teeth made with an empty cat food tin; and thrown back into the Pit of Doom where the Zombies of Zanzibar continue to moan and grown a lot. So yet again we join the conversation as James Bond fights for his life.

 Zorro ……. ZO Mr Bond, Mr ZERO ZERO ZEVEN I have ZOO TRAPPED in ZEE pit of ZOMBIES yet again  HAH ha hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hhahaahahah hahahh hah     

Bond…… You forget Zorro I am Bond I have signed my contract already with the film company for the sequel.

Zorro ……. Zis time Zond (Bond) I have spoken with Zee very nice Steven Zielberg (Spielberg) and he says Zoo are a boring Zart

Bond…….. Boring Zart?

Zelda……. Fart Mr Bond AH HAHAH hah hah hahahahah hhah hHHAH AHH HAHAHHAHAH.

Zorro…….. Yes Mr Zond (Bond), My Zelf and Zelda Zaid  we will Zign a contract and do a Zombie Movie with monsters, Aliens and all sorts of Zings

Bond…….. Zings?

Zelda……  Things…. Mr Bond are you an IDIOT. Yes the very nice Steven Zielberg (Spielberg) was easily persuaded once we had spent the night together in the best traditions of a sexist Bond movie. He says you are boring; a has been, and it is time for you to phone home.

Zorro…... So to make sure Mr Zond that you die Zis time. The Zombies of Zanzibar are not alone and we have obtained help from many others from zee alphabet  HAH HAH HAHH HAHH HAH HHAH HHAH ah hah hhah ha hah hahh hah a

Zelda………. HAH HAHAHH Hah hah hah hah hah haah hhahh hah ahahahahh ha

Bond was not worried he is after all a smug smart arse (OK ass in the USA), but he had not anticipated the arrival in the pit of doom of the following; all determined to put an end to the madness of blogging from A to Z


The Banshees









The King of the Kelpies

The LEMMINGS of Petragrad





QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK …. Yes a Stream Powered Duck.






A Werewolf Waving Whale parts

A steam powered XENURINE (species of armadillo)

And Professor YAFFLE although it is true to say Mr bond was not worried about the professor to much.

Of course such overwhelming odds resulted in the death of Mr Bond, but what the evil arch villain ZORRO had not anticipated himself was that with the death of our hero the entire Alphabet based world imploded and nothing was left. All vaporized in the blink of an eye …………………………………………. ………………………… ………………………


So me and the dog went home singing a song


Saturday, 28 April 2012

Professor YAFFLE, the dog and the YORSH

The letter Y, which I should have thought about Yesterday; Yet I didn’t, Why? Well Yesterday was Yesterday and like yourselves I thought You will think of something, your young youthful brain will be like that of a Hawk….Yarak (in good condition for hunting). But instead it is yarling (wailing; howling), I am sure tomorrow when I look back at yesterday (today) I will think yes your mind finally yielded a good yarn, but I am not there YET. The dog has just added “Yo ho ho and a bottle of Yorsh. O dear, if he is drinking that he will be well out of it.

The dog also says we could go and hunt yapok (an amphibious opossum of South America) in the yarpha (peat-bog) with a yataghan (a long curved knife) but I have said it might be easier just to Yell or yodel in the Yard. As it happens Captain Flint the Parrot is already in the yard shouting “Man the yardarm I spy yonder yawl (ship's small boat; sailboat carrying mainsail and one or more jibs) Ooo no its just a yuppy yacht…. Yah……….. HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR”

Dad is using yeast to create a ylem (in alchemy, substance from which the elements developed) and says if it works he can turn all the yoyo’s into gold but mum said IDIOT.............  Yes true but rather helpful.

It also appears the Yorsh has got the better of the dog and Captain Flint the Parrot because they are summoning up the dead (OK a deceased Norwegian Blue Parrot) with their new mate the yaffingale  (a Green Woodpecker). They have named him Professor yaffle  after you know who, and the dog is telling him “You’re my best mate in all the world You are”, but that’s Yorsh for you.

I can see someone yawning now so I will go ……. Yippee

Oooo what's in the dirty old bottle........



Friday, 27 April 2012

Do you suffer from XENODOCHEIONOLOGY.........

AH yes we have reached X on the great A to Z jolly (or not so Jolly) and there are times when you think DAM why have I done it like this; but I have. So I asked the dog “Do you remember what we did in the practice run” and he said “ Well it’s your own Bxxxxxxy Yxxxxxx xxx Sxxxxh Fxxxxin Idxxxxxxxious Xxxxx Fault for trying to be a XXXXXXX total smart xxxxxxx xxxx x. So I not xxxxxx helping” ………. AH, I think he said something similar last time.

Since then however, dad has built a Xystus (covered walkway for exercises) in the garden for the dog, paid for with Xu (former monetary unit of Vietnam) and even hired an Xystarch (ancient Greek officer in charge of gymnastic exercises). But the dog attacked him with a Xyston (short pike used by Greek heavy cavalry), the dog has a reputation to maintain and can not be said to be Xenodochial (Hospitable to Strangers) although he does suffer from Xenodocheionology (the love of hotels), so do I as it happens as long as they are posh ones.

In School the wood work teacher said he would help (wood help HAH HHAHAH HAH hahhahha h) and had us learning xesturgy (the process of polishing) after first doing a bit of Xyloglyphy (wood carving). The woodwork teach also told us he has spent many a happy hour studying Xyology ( the study of Wood), buying some lovely bits of wood from his local Xylopolist; and showed us his prized Xylometer (instrument measuring specific gravity of wood).

Esmeralda is not happy as it is raining STILL, what has happened to the British weather this month . She was moaning to the headmaster about it but he said she should remember that us humans are xerophobous  (unable to survive drought) and need rain. But Esmeralda said she was a lover of xerothermic (dry and hot) weather and hit him with her umbrella. 

Dasypus bellus Armadillo

Back at home after school dad had made a steam powered xenurine (species of armadillo) which he had scurring up and down the Xystus and mum is making Xiphias (swordfish)Pie for tea YUM, and it is still raining.


Thursday, 26 April 2012

The Werewolf Waving Whale parts in Wales

The Ghost Writer spent the day weaving his way to Ystradgynlais to repair computers and then weaved his way home. There are few straight roads in Wales, a wise if slightly wicked way to make the English wander into little Welsh villages to purchase stuff like wooden Love spoons and warthogs and waterproof coats and wellingtons as Wales is world famous for its wet Weather

The Ghost Writer is here now eating and whinging after driving at the wheel of his vehicle for what he says felt like a well long time. In fact it is a wonder he made it, what with the whispers of wildcat strikes by tanker drivers and Werewolf’s in busses waving Whale parts at him.    

From the Movie
The Last Strangle in Paris 
AHHAH HAha hah hah hhah hah haha ha 

 Did you all know that K, Q, V, X and Z do not exist in Welsh so really I should not be doing them but I have. As for today well it started badly the old wagon, (I refer to the school bus) was driven by a werewolf with Wensleydale cheese and WORCESTER Sauce sandwiches. His driving was a bit whacky but he happily whistled into the Wind and wound up the other drivers by waving whale parts at them and winking.

It appears the Universal Bus Company drivers have gone on Strike again and warfare now exists between management and the workers even the tanker drivers have walked out in support. So the Buss Company have got round the problem by employing a new workforce of werewolf’s (who are prepared to do a bit of moonlighting)  
What makes it worse for the workers is werewolf’s will work for woefully low wages and one night off once a month when they go and wild in the woods and wrestle with witches and warlocks and hunt for Whale parts in Woolworths or W H Smiths.

Look, I’m distracted now as I was saying the werewolf was whinding his way to school when he was stung by a wasp.  So after weaving all over the road writing off a wheelbarrow and a wireless set we ended up going the wrong way and getting lost in the woods. Remember what bears do in the woods, well so do werewolf’s……… YUCK, that made the women on the bus scream and cry (those WESSEX Girls).  Mums just said Sexist IDIOT. 
Damn it this is getting very wordy…not a wise thing.  I have told the Werewolf who was driving the bus if he keeps driving like that by tomorrow he will be an EX-Werewolf

I don’t know about the rest of you in the A to Z jolly but I have decided I am doing three more letters then that’s it no more. I still have this sculpture to make for the Cultural Olympiad……….YICKS  


Wednesday, 25 April 2012


As we all sit on the verge at the edge of the very vexing voyage though the various letters of the Alphabet in a variety of venerable viscous ways, violins playing Vivaldi violin concertos and a Vixen eating voles in the valleys. We have no Vowels left to create voluptuous vivid visions and voices in the very minds of our followers, visions of victims, victors, violence and vampires, vets and vipers, vans and videotape, villainy and voodoo

However I can hear one little voice vomiting and saying “Pour some vinegar on it mate; this is all very venerable but we have W X Y and Z to go yet so unless you’re a vegetarian Viking, cant you wait until Z to do the big visionary speech”

But I have to respond with “If you think I am going to try and do this with the letter Z then Vamoose on your velocipede, vanish, vacate to a vertical void under the veranda, this is not vaudeville, so stick some Vaseline in it”……

It has been Wet, violently Wet, so very Wet indeed, It is just a damn shame that it is not a W day, a Wet Wednesday with awful Weather. However I am veering away from the ventures of the day. Last time we reached V we dressed as Vampires, but today we dressed as the Venomous Voodoo Vampire Vultures from the famous Vampire Valley near Vancouver.

When the school bus turned up (a Volvo multi-valve) the driver refused to let us venture on board because Veronica and Esmeralda ate yesterdays driver with a small glass of Vermouth leaving only his blood stained vest and the VISOR from his Univeral Bus  Company hat. Victor said he was not walking after the troubles of the torrid tundra. So Vincent said we could get to school in the Vicars Van, but I did point out that the vicar was in cahoots with the unscrupulous little old ladies. Once it was put to the Vote though we went round to the Vatican (sorry Vicarage) where we were met by the voices of virulent vigilante vengeful unscrupulous little old ladies who screamed violently and with venom “KILL THE UNDEAD”. We did shout back “We are not the UNDEAD we are the Venomous Voodoo Vampire Vultures” but the Vicar then said “My God there are Vultures in the Vaults” and fired a volley from his twelve bore at us.  We made it to school in the end, and concluded a variety of lessons, but I feel I have reached the appropriate volume of words for today so I will vanish.

Oooooo by the way the Ghost Writer has to go to Ystradgynlais in South Wales to fix computers tomorrow and has said I can go with him if it helps with a Y day but it is the wrong day………… Typical.


Tuesday, 24 April 2012


OK it's the U letter and as I was, and still am uninspired and unsure of whether to raise the Undead again I thought I would allow all the pupils on the old utilitarian  School bus to discuss the options and vote. It seemed like the best option for a United approach. Unfortunately the old Utilitarian School bus  stopped in an Underpass, The driver said it was due to an UNOFFICIAL Strike by the union unlashing unilateral forces on the Universal Bus Company for their unprincipled USE of Unmanned Busses in Urban environments which had unsettled the union. He said he thought we would all understand and unite behind the uprising.

Unfortunately we had already decided to be the Unsocial Unforgiving UNEXPURGATED Undead, although Frank said he was an Undertaker but that was because he had been Coughing a lot on the Bus (COFFIN …….HAHAH hah ha hhah hah hahh hah hah ha hha hah haha h). Esmeralda whose Uncle Sam is a Director of the Univeral Bus Company UNBUCKLED her  seat belt and said she was going to eat the driver, who found himself under attack from the Undead in an unrelenting UNVERSED attack.

Unbeliveably on the other side of the underpass was a pensioner’s coach trip to the Utopia Shopping Centre. Esmeralda was undeterred until a gang of UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies in the other coach screamed at US saying “IT’S THE UNBELIEVERS, THE UNSEEN, UNKEMPT UNDERCLASS’S KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE AS VAMPIRES”.  And we all thought Oh No not again it cant be; but yes they said it KILL THE VAMPIRES. And we shouted back NO we are not Vampires we are the UNDEAD and an UNDERTAKER.  Strangely this time it UNEXPECTEDLY unsettled the UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies in the other coach, it appears that little old ladies will do their utmost to avoid the untimely arrival of an unwanted Undertaker. So when Frank (the Undertaker) waved his tape measure at them and started writing down measurements, it resulted in ultrahigh screaming and an untidy exit by the  UNSCRUPULOUS little old ladies as they upturned an unmarked police car in their urge to escape. The rest of the day was uninteresting and unworthy of mention which is a slightly underhand way of saying I give up. ……… 


Monday, 23 April 2012

T stands for the film re-enactment of Mutiny on the Bounty?

We have reached T……. So weak two sugars and loads of milk, HAH AH AH Hahh ahhah hah ah, Yes OK I did that joke last TIME but I’m British we like TEA. 

So to my tale, we trekked to school today, through the torrid tundra in tepid tempertures traversing the tedious troughs in the turf and terrible thistles tearing at the tissue of our tender skin.  All adding to THE tenseness of trying to keep to a timetable, Trevor said we should have just taken a taxi to school. I told him such talk was Treason and he must not tinker  with team spirit. 

Then he said well what about a train or a tram or a tandem or even a Trampoline. That Clever Trevor is too clever for his own good.  Then he starts saying we are Trampling the terrain of The Tiny timid Tundra Termite and we should tread with care, and Tina then starts too, saying The Tiny timid Tundra Termite Oh no, we must terminate our Trek and treat ourselves to a taxi.

Its just like the film re-enactment of Mutiny on the Bounty on its way TO Tahiti with Clever Trevor as Mr Christian. THEN I found myself cast into the tundra, tossed aside like a twiggy twig with only a flask of tea and a Tuna sandwich and a Toucan for company. I thought it was a Toucan but I recognised the QUACK QUACK QUACK. So I TRAVELLED on my own (with a TOUCAN)  until the school clock tower Told me I was late, however I had triumphed, and told the head Teacher (yes yes the headmaster, I know) of the traitorous treatment of the crew of the Bounty. He listened Transfixed almost in a trance as I explained how I traced my path across the tundra tripping on tumbleweed and dealing with a turbulent tribe of yet undiscovered tourists from Transylvania who said they were looking for a Vampire Business (sorry I mean a Van Hire Business).

The TEACHER listened and after what appered to be a Terminally long time said………Twit and told me to go home……AH I did ask if he was planning to Hang THE Mutineers on THE HIGHEST HILL  but he said NO.

Anyway me and the Duck (sorry TOUCAN) QUACK TOOK a TAXI home and told Mum of our adventure but she said …………… IDIOT

I think she meant THE Duck sorry TOUCAN


Sunday, 22 April 2012

The SUN on SUNDAY the letter S (part2)

The Sun on Sunday an interlude....... I refer to the big orange ball in the sky not the suspect Muck Doc (Sorry Newspaper), which I am not allowed to read. Apparently according to Mr Smith the newspaper Sold its Soul to Saturn or at least the Staff did, which at first I thought sounded Well Cool, but It SEEMS that they sneak up on unsuspecting people and hack them to death and put all the peaces in   Newspapers.

I suspect it is a sneaky plan by the alien invaders from Saturn to substitute some of the worlds population with Saturnians ? (or something like that). I do have to say, some of their choices for SUBSTITUTION are suspicious if not silly.

AH..............OK Mum has explained I have assumed the wrong hacked as well as misheard Mr Smith he said they had sold their Souls to Satan. It appears the Soles that get put in the newspaper are deep dried and sold with chips and sprinkled in salt. ........ YUM  

Oooooo yes it was a sunny day by the way that was what I was going to say (write)


Saturday, 21 April 2012


A Sunny if Showery Saturday a good way to start an S day, about time a day Synchronized with a letter on its Specific day. I have been digging a hole in the soil of our garden and have found a Secret Stone floor, I say secret Stone floor I am not SURE yet because I need to excavate like they do on that Time Team programme on the television Set.  Why are the called Sets they usually just come in ones?

I have found Some Slip decorated pottery, something Shiny a ceremonial Silver Sword, a Sceptre, a Skull and a perfectly persevered Sea Serpent and Several other Super Special things of Substance once my Senses tune in and I can See them in my brain. I Suspect you have Suddenly got all Sceptical, but we do live only about 100 yards from a Motte and Bailey fortress (Sadly involving very few S words…. So far).

I must Slip out for a short time now so I will Scribble Some more on my Subsequent return. See you later.

……………………………Some time later

Ok  having returned I noticed that the dog was wearing a Shabby straw sombrero and having a siesta in the shade of the Sun in a Second-hand Sedan chair Snoring and being his usual Smelly Self. But when I went to look at the Small hole I had dug with the Spade the perfectly preserved Sea Serpent, which I have subsequently discovered was worth a fortune, (I had Seen a Specialist in Montgomery on matters of Science) was Suspiciously missing.  I was Shocked to discover that the dog who was Starting to get a bit hungry had Succumbed after Salivating over the Sea Serpent for Several Seconds Scoffing the entire SPECIMEN.  Typical that dog is a right Scoundrel at times. He even complained that the Sea Serpent was Slimy and he was feeling Somewhat Sick……… Serves him right.

I have decided to sulk now and Spend the rest of the day in the Shed teaching Spiders to Sing …….. Mum says I am a Stupid Idiot…. Apparently Spiders can’t Sing but can Spin Silk, I’m Still going to Sulk and refuse to Smile, until Sunday.    

Ooooooo yes by the way I am still waiting to hear back from that very nice Steven Spielberg about the manuscript for the silver screen, I have been waiting some time now. 


Friday, 20 April 2012


RRRrrrrr Har Har Har Hardy Harrr RRRRRRRrrrrr It be R and R stands for Pirates.
Mum said I had my chance; P stands for Pirates…….  NOT R
But me and the dog disagreed and said “RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr Harrrrrrr Harrrrdy Harrrr”.
Captain Flint the Parrot said “Pieces of Eight who’s a pretty Polly then” and Mum pointed out they were P words a bit like Pirate; but I told her that today I was not having a Parrot sat on my shoulder, but the Steam Powered Duck from yesterday and I planned training him to be a Rook……. Quack. Well he is trying to be a Rook Quack, Ok not a very good ROOK…..Quack

The English Teacher at school was helping, she said “A Round the Ragged Rocks the Ragged rascal ran” and the duck said QUACK., QUACK QUARK QUARRRRRK QUACK. It was a start, the Steam powered Duck will be a Rook in no time……... Maybe?

Right I must Return to the Reason, the Rationale for Relating all this Rubbish, the letter R. The teachers were Right behind me they love Pirates and Recon we could turn this into a Right Rollicking Read. So everyone cheered and shouted  “RRRRRrrrrrrr Harrrrr Harrrrrdy Harrrrrrrr Rooks be in ye Rigging HARRR hardy  HARRRR RRRR”. Roger added “and Ye Rhino’s and Rattlesnakes” (Miss Stephanie hated RATTLESNAKES as you will see from the link) but I think he is being ridiculously silly. So after a good old sing song in assembly Reciting, Row Row Row your Boat, we went off to be Ruthlessly Rebellious Renegade REVOLUTIONARIES otherwise known as Pirates HARRRRR Harrr Harrrrrrrr HARrrrrrDY rrrrrrrr

Esmeralda knobbled Roger with some dodgy Narcotics so that he was giggling a lot, which meant we were able to run him up the flagpole so we has a Jolly Roger HARRRRRA rararr rarar rar HARRRR HARRRRDY HARRRRRR rrrrrrr, very Resourceful although Roger seemed a  bit Resonant or Reluctant but we promised to Retrieve him later. We then spend the day doing the three R’s READING Writing and Piracy (P is nearer to R than A so Yarrrr sucks boo).

Quack …. Yes sorry Duck, I mean ROOK, have you considered sitting in the crows nest  

 Esmeralda was dressed up in her Regal Regalia and a Ra Ra skirt and brandishing an assortment of Revolvers.  And Rick dressed up as Rumpelstiltskin Restlessly chasing Rusty needles all day and Repeating I bet you don’t know who I am to which everyone would return the comment “ You’re Rumpelstiltskin Rick” and he would reply “I Repudiate that and Refuse to Respond”, and the Steam powered Duck sorry ROOK would shout Quackers . I think in its own way the Duck sorry ROOK was calling Rick and IDIOT.

OK I must Run this has got repugnantly random and the a lack of responses means I am reluctant to write more

I quite agree duck………..sorry ROOK)

Yes dog sorry it needs a rewrite but I am in a RUSH.

No really I am sorry about tonight it did not work out as planned, but then that can happen, I sit down and write. Never quite sure where it will go and every now and again it does not work; tonight I feel is one of those nights maybe trying to do the A to Z twice back to back is just more than my poor old brain can cope with…… and I would like to add that although we forgot to get Roger down I spoke to him on his mobile phone a few minutes ago and he said he was OK

SHUT UP Duck…….Sorry ROOK. 


Thursday, 19 April 2012

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK ........... ..... .... Quack ....... Quack

QUACK Quack Quack Quack

That is the duck I will explain in a minute, but it is all a bit of a rush because the bus got stuck in a Queue on the way home from school. I hate Queues.

Shut up duck

I will explain where the duck came from.
The other day I thought it is that Q letter again soon so I will invite our friends round from the previous Q for a Quant party in order to Quantify the Quizzical interest in my diary as to whether I can maintain the Quest for Quality.

Having contacted Quasimodo, The Queen of Qatar, Professor Quatermass and Don Quixote in the great void of Cyberspace, I was met universally by the following response; and I Quote.

Ooooooo I have Quite a lot on, I am involved with one of those government Quango’s (a Quasi-autonomous non-governmental organisation; if you are outside the UK) and I have just Qualified for the final of a Quiz on Quantum Physics and anyway I am feeling a bit Queasy, and my Quill is running out of ink so bye.

So I was left in a bit of a Quandary
Yes Yes duck I am getting there

Then at Breakfast this morning dad gave me a Steam Powered Duck and said don’t worry Rob this will help loads and the Steam powered Duck said “QUACK QUACK QUACK”. I did ask if the Steam Powered Duck said anything else but dad said “AH………. NO”. And the Duck said QUACK and mum said IDIOT, she was referring to dad and I can see her point QUACK is only one Q word

Yes a point well made Duck.

At school during our lesson on Sub Participle Physics with Professor Quiggly he asked the question; “What particle other than the famous Higgs Boson are they looking for at the Large Hadron Collider”. It was at this point that the Steam Powered Duck woke up and started shouting QUACK QUACK QUACK, Professor Quiggly said “well done it is the Quark who said that” and every one shouted ………… DUCK.  Now in our school if someone shouts duck that is what you do and the professor did. But after the error was sorted he said “Well done  Duck I  am Professor Quiggly” but the Duck shouted Quack, Professor Quiggly said “it is rude to call a Professor a QUACK”; to which the Steam Powered Duck said QUACK QUACK QUACK and we were banned from class. 

Anyway outside while we were waiting (me and the Duck), a man with a suitcase was passing when a policeman stopped him and asked what he had in his suitcase but before the man could answer the duck shouted QUACK. Unfortunately the policeman thought the man had said CRACK, so he said “Crack…..OK sonny down to the police station mister smart ass, a full body search for you my son”.  

We are home now and all is quiet.


Well almost quiet……..And yes not a lot of Q’s but a lot of Quacks and so I plan to Quit while I’m ahead.