A Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski and the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia

As you know over the last few days I have complained that it has been very very cold, so in a sort of themed weather based continuation of my diary, I can tell you all in a very loud voice, well I would if I was able to type in a loud voice, that today was in fact very very very cold, no it really was it was cold. It was the sort of cold where you might bump into say a Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski who might be out practising her abilities at moving through the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia navigating using only the stars. So as Miss Fionaski was passing us as she navigated the wild woods she called in to say hello, discuss the new shortwave radio code cipher with mum . . . . . .XAQ145F3NNp  . . . . . Which I am not allowed to tell you about or it will ruin months of hard work . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN sorry about that, apparently mum says that Mr President Putin has just sent a message saying I AM AN  IDIOT. Hay a message from President Putin that’s cool.

Miss Fionaski  The Famous Russian Spy

While Miss Fionaski was here I showed her the Christmas tree, she likes Christmas and she was showing me her cunning spy electronics that allowed her to see all the stars in the sky even during the day and her translator which automatically translates into any language. So I tried to get it to translate My seagull called yod has eaten all your cheese slices but it said   Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов, which turned out to be the wrong response in Russian. Then Miss Fionaski vanished off into the cold to meet people and take pictures of secret things.

Not Long after that Miss Issy turned up and said it was jolly damn cold, so cold that she would not be surprised to meet a famous Russian spy on a training mission in the woods as they looked just like the  intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia; (that’s the woods not the Famous Russian Spy).

So that’s it I am running away to a warmer place leaving none but the hardiest of beasts fighting through the cold hard frost of winter. I did see a shadowy figure with a big red cloak which had white fur lined edges and a hood and they were wearing big black boots and carrying a large suspicious sack and may have had a false beard;  so I shouted out to them in a friendly gesture Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов but they ran off hiding their face, back into the woods. Muttering something about President Putin and the letter he sent to Lapland. 

The funeral, the spy and the alien

Today’s funeral was in many respects a much happier affair, OK yes we are talking funerals but the one today was for someone much older than yesterdays. And they wanted their funeral today to be happy, which it was, It was also held in the little chapel rather than the more grand main church, I think they are a bit friendlier in the chapel than the grand church. There was also loads of food afterwards for everyone, and I mean loads, I did try and eat as much as possible and was doing rather well at one point but then someone refilled the big plate on the table I was sat at with food again, but I was well stuffed by then and was only able to nibble chocolate cake.

Sadly I missed Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian spy who was near the back of the chapel, but then as a master of disguise it is easy for a famous Russian spy to blend seamlessly into the background of a crowd of people. I am not sure if Miss Fionaski was on a secret mission or not, but she was unable to turn up to eat loads of food in the town hall. I think she must have gone home to eat black caviar and drink Russo-Baltique Vodka as you do when you are a Russian spy.

I was also volunteered at home to sweep up all the leaves and the like that had blown out of the trees yesterday and filled our drive at home as I was not at school, what with going to the funeral. So I had a very exciting time this morning sweeping piles of very wet leaves, at least when they are wet they do not blow about all over the place although I prefer not to have a dog and two cats shouting you missed a bit. After yesterdays terrible weather it has been rather sunny today which is classic British weather; however we were lucky yesterday as there have been loads of floods and chaos in many of parts of the UK. It also appears that there is more rain and gales due tomorrow so some places are expecting more floods tomorrow and Monday, it is turning into a very wet year indeed in Britain.

This weather is not great for aliens and might explain why we have not seem any for a couple of weeks or so, after all squelching through mud in wellingtons is no fun for an alien or Mr Jones who has had to start wearing clothes in the woods at night while he waits in his effort to communicate with the aliens. As he says a man wearing no clothes and just a pair of wellington boots hiding in the woods at night in the cold of winter tends to make people think you are a bit odd. I think we can all agree with him about that.

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the Paralympics Opening Ceremony, Miss Fionaski and Neil Armstrong

So today’s big event was the Ghost Writers Birthday and we all had a family get together to celebrate this and bought him a great big present. However this is not the only reason we are a bit late tonight is the opening ceremony of the Paralympics and we are watching a bit of it. I say watching but we missed the start due to the Ghost Writers party. We are also doing what we did on the Olympic Opening ceremony we have sneaked away as they work there way through the alphabet. WOWS there are a lot of countries, some I have never heard of at all. But it does appear that the Paralympics is more diverse and cosmopolitan and that is good.  Anyway we are waiting until we arrive at say Zanzibar then we will go and see how it finishes tonight. I just hope we don’t have another two weeks of Chariots of Fire on a loop or I will complain to someone and wave my arms about in an annoying way.

As for other news Miss Fionaski has returned from her secret mission to the moon, a week ago I was not sure why the Russians would send their top spy all the way to the moon but with the sad death of Neil Armstrong all is now clear, it was a way to boost KGB funding.  Yes I suspect Neil Armstrong memorabilia will make a fortune on ebay at present, particularly those things that were left on the moon like the stars and strips flag and the rock that Mr Armstrong wrote ‘Neil Was Here’ on. Then there are things like the life size inflatable Elvis which Neil Armstrong was told off for taking and he was forced to leave behind. It was this that started that rumour that Elvis was alive and well and living on the moon when it was spotted by keen amateur astronomers one night.  You are probably thinking would the KGB really go to such ends for funding, but sadly with the ending of the cold war, needs must.

OK I have been away watching the big end of the opening of the Paralympics games and all I can say is overall I think they were better that the Olympics by a long way. There was some really cool stuff. And the Paralympics flame arriving on a zip wire from 350 ft on the top of that ArcelorMittal Orbit was very very clever. And lets face it having an Ian Dury song in the middle of it was brill, but then I am a fan of Ian Dury so would say that, and science, so the inclusion of a huge Newtonian telescope was perfect timing for tonight’s diary. I was even impressed that the British team all dressed up as Neil Armstrong and Steven Hawkins and the moon were there. So all in all it was ******** excellent. The only snag now is it is tomorrow again …….. DAMN…   

Ian Dury's protest song has  a bit of bite .... I was pleased they played it tonight

Cool

The Pre before the Preview before the Post Preview. Time does Fly

Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop closed way back at the end of March his vast subterranean labyrinth of floors and chambers where the bulk of his extensive collection of objects were kept mysteriously vanishing back into the depths of his domain. For now anyway until a time that Mr Beelzebub calls Global Warming with Pointy teeth (none of that mandy-pamby half baked Global Warming). 

It has (his domain) all been scrubbed and cleaned by his minions, if they did a good job they were allowed a glass of water before being dipped in the cauldron full of bubbling molten rabbits?

Anyway the reason I mention this is we are off to the little gallery that has now moved into this shop, to an exhibition preview tonight. I did not have to make invites and I don’t need to remember anyone’s name or circulate and get confused……WELL COOL.

 However before we go we plan to stop in Bishops Castle to do a bit of this and a bit of that, as you do in this part of the world. So I am splitting tonight’s diary entry into a pre preview and post preview, this bit being the pre, so I will go now and return in the post ( I don’t mean the postman will squeeze me though the letterbox either).

PART TWO ......................... LATER

………………………… A bit Later

We have returned from the preview so I am now in the post preview position allowing me to bring you all right up to date. It all looked like it was going really well and loads of folk had turned up, I even knew the names of quite a lot of them although there were people who I didn’t know the name of but then I don’t think they knew who I was…… WELL COOL.

I did notice one omission from the Preview something my good friend Napoleon Beelzebub always made sure was at all previews because he knew that there was a little gang of us who just loved them and would sign all those contracts he used to stick in front of folk when they were otherwise distracted by the aroma and taste of these little sticks of addictive deliciousness, yes there were no TWIGLETS………. Yes it was a bit of a shock so in order to recover from this I took a chance and ventured into the Monty chip shop and had some fairly good fish and chips. Not as good as The Sun Inn in Marton or Big Bills Greasy Fur-ball Café but not too bad for a chippy.

However I have eaten everything now drank a drink of tea and plan to put my feet up, if only I could get my hands on a few packets of TWIGLETS I could sit and eat all night, I wonder if moths taste the same, the cat eats them from time to time.

YUCK apparently not………… Mum has just said IDIOT

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The moon, the sun, the pirate and the spy.

The sun shone today it was a lovely sunny warm day, normally in July we would all say so what it is July in the Northern hemisphere so what’s the big deal, after all you whinged about the heat wave then whinged about the rain so what is the problem.  Well the thing is the weathermen on the wireless on the BBC are telling us that the gods plan to throw their entire wrath at the UK tomorrow bringing forth the rains of hell. As it happens Napoleon Beelzebub says it never rains in hell it is just too hot, but I think he just being a bit picky with words.

So as I write we have a blue sky and swallows going tricks like triple somersaults round the power lines nibbling the odd insect as they do. I’m thinking well is it or is not going to do as the weathermen say should I get everyone to dress up in sou'wester jackets, boots, hats, gloves and all the stuff we did last time which just lead to disaster.

Earlier today Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy called by to show us her new spy shoes with the secret hidden compartment in the heel, which is secret and I must not tell you about……… AH sorry. Mum says IDIOT. She was telling us of the secret mapping of the moon she has been doing on her trusty Russian Zorki 4K regulation spy camera, and how her undercover work has found out what has happened to the weather in the UK. It appears Captain Nessman of the High Seas has run off with summer and left us with all the rain.  I did tell Miss Fionaski that I knew that, but I was sworn to secrecy by Captain Nessman, comrade at arms upon the high seas HAR HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR.   

Anyway I must away now and look at the sun before it vanishes to be replaced by huge black clouds, thunder, lightning, wind and wild things. Just in case anyone is wondering by the way dad would like to point out he has unplugged the weather machine and it is covered in canvas sheets, apparently it does not work very well in the rain. So he says its not his fault…. 

Please note they do use the odd swear word 

The Wicked Witch of the West, Part 3 and the CIA

So after a quietish day in the grey office the ghost Writer has been whinging about computers again, but also recons he will do some more ghost pictures. If you are wondering how he created his ghost picture it is dead easy. He sets his camera on a long exposure in a very dark place and moves about flashing a torch on and off to create multiple exposures. He says everyone should do it because they should?

Due to technical problems of a technical nature, technical nature appears to be a contradiction in terms but who am I to say such a thing. OK sorry distracted again ….. Due to technical problems part three of my fairytale is based entirely on made up stuff, a bit like part two and part one and any link to reality is entirely good luck. I would also like to add no ducks were harmed in the telling of this story.

Miss Goldilocks started the day singing and spinning gold thread on her spinning wheel in her little cottage, but unbeknown to Miss Goldilocks MI6 and the CIA had knobbled her  spinning wheel, having purchased a spell from the well know retailer of spells, Spells-R-Us that meant when Miss Goldilocks pricked her finger she would fall asleep for a hundred years. The CIA thought to themselves that’ll keep things quiet. Of course all spells have a get out clause and this one was rather cunning, if she is kissed by a Mexican Truck Driver she will wake up again.  The CIA and MI6 thought we don’t get then round here that will fix her HAH HHAHAH HAHha hah ah ahhaha haha hahah hahah hah hahahhahhh;  but by lunch time she was up and chatting to a song thrush in the garden, the CIA had not even thought about Mexican Dave, how foolish.

Meanwhile the massed masses of massed minions who were planning  to eat cake and walk their dogs and point and shout and say YA SUCKS BOO….HA HA HA to YOU, last night suddenly thought hang on its Thursday night and Wimbledon has started and then there is the Euro match on the tele so stayed at home. The Wicked Witch of the West was also rather scary so they thought to themselves Naaaaaa.

The Great Lord of all the Land and his faithful assistant Thomas Attila the h-unsmiling however have been forced to act as the last thing they need is a multitude of unhappy massed minions massing and murmuring, and a Witch laughing hysterically running up and down hills. It brought back thoughts of Mary Poppins, no hang on sorry Maria to the great Lord, and it took ages to squash all the rumours and get rid of the pesky kids with the dog.   So in the early hours of the morning as the sun was rising and the Wicked Witch of the West was asleep they unleashed the great monster of the deep into the big lake; the not so famous Monstrous Creature of the Welsh Pool.

As The Wicked Witch of the West walked her boundaries to check for intruding intruders and picnickers with cute dogs she heard noises from the big lake. Thinking to her self, hiding in wet suits in the lake are we, we will see about that.  And as she peered into the deep dark water the Monstrous Creature of the Welsh Pool suddenly bit her head off. And everyone lived happily ever after. Well until part four anyway…….. 

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The Wicked Witch of the West ...... Part Two

The Ghost Writer being a ghost

or as Mum said an IDIOT

Sometimes the best of plans do not go as planned, today is such a case. My trip to the dentist I was told when I got there was yesterday, I said that they had sent a letter changing my appointment to today but they said this was impossible. It was impossible because my dentist never works on Thursdays EVER, so they knew I was wrong. They then said as it happens he is working Thursday next week and Thursday the week after?? But the appointments are all full so I have to wait until June 2023 at 4:30 on a Thursday.  Still it could have been a lot worse I might have got in to see the dentist………HAHAHHAHHAh ahh ha hah haha hhah aha hhha ahhh aha haha hah ahah aha. 

We grew these ......Well Cool 

My good friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy has informed us that all is not well in the rolling hills by cricket pitch with the big lake beyond so I feel I must continue the tale as it started in the form of a fairy tale.

Our heroine Miss Goldilocks as we know sent her secret coded message to her headquarters deep within the secret cellar complex of the Kremlin (which I must never mention…….AH). The seagulls are sitting on the lake playing cricket the ball has been hit out of bounds in the fields, send more puffins and vodka. The Witch is Mad……..  

Because as we know The Wicked Witch of the West was scaring the people of the village (OK town) and everyone was afraid, scared to venture onto the rolling fields and cricket pitch, yet alone go to the lake. The Wicked Witch of the West laughing hysterically, proudly looking over all the land which she now controlled, where not even a Song Thrush stirred or sang.  

Having dissevered Miss Goldilocks’ message the powers that be deep within the cellar complex of the Kremlin (AH sorry I mentioned it again) hatched a plan, they activated their secret moles (no not the furry things that make little mounds but the spies). These moles were disguised as unsuspecting little old ladies who were sent deep into the fields past the cricket pitch to the lake where they sat and ate neat cucumber sandwiches and Earl Grey Tea in china cups and sent messages on their shortwave radios.

Then as they were about to cut into a rather nice Victoria sandwich cake The Wicked Witch of the West arrived in a cloud of smoke and fury and screamed and shouted and threw all the Victoria sandwich cake into the lake.   Where a hand rose out of the lake to catch it, a small voice shouting “Thanks I’ll eat it Later”  The Wicked Witch of the West did not notice or care she sent the little old ladies packing making them scurry off back to the village laughing hysterically behind them.

But her actions stirred the great Lord of all the Land, all the cricket pitches, and all the lakes from his sleep and he summoned his assistant Thomas Attila the h-unsmiling. Their powers are great and The Wicked Witch of the West may be banished from the land or made to eat soggy Victoria sandwich cake with little old ladies in the town hall as penance. However even as I write other forces are a foot, the villagers having been outraged by this latest act have risen as a body and are heading towards the castle of the Wicked witch of the West with fiery torches (not the ones with batteries, OK they might have those too) and plan to eat cake and walk their dogs and point and shout and say YA SUCKS BOO….HA HA HA to YOU then run like hell back to the village (OK town).

The Plans of the minds deep in the  secret cellars of the Kremlin (Sorry I did it again) are working as planned, unless of course it is Thursday……….AH  

To be continued:-

Ooooooo I picked our first Red Currents (Currants) earlier.

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The Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons and the Pink Pullover

Mr Price was a little perplexed this morning by a flock of Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons perching on the poles of his Prized Pagoda, they are rather Partial to Pecking Pink Petunias which Mr Price has in perfusion in pots  on his patio. So as a result of us feeding the birds Peanuts, means an almost certain probability of the Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons Pestering Mr Price. The paradox was that the Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons perching on the poles of Mr Prices Prized Pagoda were Perplexed by him leaping up and down flapping his arms about while wearing a pink pullover.

In the end he grabbed a megaphone and was shouting Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked; If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. But as the dog said the Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons are Peruvian and don’t have a Cooooo what he is saying before falling about in hysterics (the dog not the POISONOUS PERUVIAN PUFF PIGEONS).  

I have been put to practical use today and moving the last items out of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on what is the last day and the sign is now plucked from its position above the window. People were pointing, PROGNOSTICATING and protesting and saying Please Please stay. But Mr Beelzebub said its OK I will arrange a party full of Pyrotechnics, pestilence and putrefaction and Pelicans. And all the people went ……………..AH.

As a small present Mr Beelzebub presented me with a prestigious Pre-Raphaelite Petrified Porcupine in a pine and polypropylene presentation case he did say that sadly the original glass had been pinched so it was now plastic. He did however know a professional plumber who could replace the plastic with glass and putty, properly.    

Dad is planning to fit an old prehistoric looking Pitch Pine door to his shed (or Play Pen as mum calls it). He was pottering about in the play pen (sorry shed) today and has made a High Pressure Steam powered pneumatic pre-programmable Platypus  using Platinum for Mr Price, as the Poisonous Peruvian Puff Pigeons live in perpetual fear of the Platypus which I would like to point out in passing is also Poisonous

Anyway enough of being profound I most pitter patter off to other projects, Politics and Pilchard Pizza ……………. YUM    

The Lemmings of PETROGRAD say ……….. POWER to the PEOPLE

And I would like to say to Ian the Musical Hat Maker ………… HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mr IAN

OK that’s plenty for one night.

This is my very good friend Miss Fionski the Famous Russian Spy who has nothing to do with the letter P but It is nice to show that the main characters and events of my story are all based on the truth 

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Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, the fridge and the bugging of the Kremlin

I saw Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy today we were discussing important things Miss Fionaski said that from fingertip to fingertip she was the same length as she was high (if you can understand that). So we had to measure her to prove this. As it turned out she was right, she also said the twice round her neck was the same as her waist and that part of her arm was her foot. And that she reads huge scientific periodicals about science.

She was saying that the Russians have developed a new super fridge that can spy on people and makes them so depended on the fridge that in years come we will all be forced into eating borsch, pelmeni, pirozhki, Shchi, Ukha, Kholodets, Vatrushka and all washed down with a glass of Medovukha or kvass. And will start to sing Russian songs taught to us by the fridges while waving red flags and training pet foxes to sit on our heads. The Russian fridges are particularly superior because they are filled with ice cold Siberian winds allowing the food to be kept for long periods.

Of course the Russians would say that the fridges are merely a counter espionage defence operation in response the famous (now maybe infamous) Western Spy, Big Mac, who infiltrated the very core of Moscow and the Kremlin with the Bug in a Burger in a Bun. This of course was the down fall of President Putin himself who having eaten the bug washed down with a Diet Coke was forced into temporary retirement while the bug in a burger in a bun was digested and passed through his system. The Big Mac as it was called specially designed to take ages to digest so that the bugging device would stay in the body for years.

Ooooooo while on the subject of spies I noted that this morning on the news it was announced that MI5 and M!6 will not be prosecuted for torture because of a lack of evidence. I only mention this fact because only last night we had a lovely bonfire full of spy papers …………… And people think I make things up.

I also believe that MI6 are introducing new fridges into there posh headquarters by the Thames in the heart of the great Metropolis in order to reduce canteen staff members, apparently there is also a whole new Eastern European menu and new little red flags in the jelly to brighten the place up…………..Mum just said IDIOT….

The massed hoards stripping the shelves bare and the town hall fire

Having spent the day at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop trying to help as the massed hoards strip the shelves bare before the shop closes, everyone spaced out.  Poor old Miss Issy spelt with a BBBB (It all to do with it being Wales), was pretending to be a manikin, that can only shuffle very slowly and is unable to bend. She had to move about like this because she is suffering from Whiplash as her car was hit from behind last night by someone she called a ******* ****** ****** ****** total ******* ******* IDIOT.  

Miss Fionaski also popped in to the shop to see us in her spy coat which made her look just like a famous Russian spy and said the mushrooms are travelling eastwards on the morning train, I will be watching them closely in a weeks time as the seagulls fly. Well I don’t know what it means but it must be spy talk for something interesting.  She then went to investigate a strange old car in town, a Morris Cowley Bullnose Coupe saying The Children are eating candyfloss in the hay field, I must return home.

Then a bit later in the day there was a lot of flashing blue lights which turned out to be the fire brigade at the town hall.  There was a lot of smoke coming out of the roof, lots and lots of smoke as it happens. It was all to do with the pensioner’s party, which is held every year just after New Year in the town hall, they can be a bit rowdy so I am told, and old Mr Roberts was of course famous for his roof top protests in Brixton prison often burning down G Block back in his younger days. So I assumed it might have been him reliving his tale about the gold bullion and the Octopus and the night on the roof with nothing but a box of matches and a flare gun, a gallon of petrol and a rolled up newspaper to fend off the oppressive powers of the establishment, as he called the guards.

As it happens it turned out to be the oil fired central heating system that was faulty, well that is what the pensioners told the fire brigade, but I think they left their glasses at home, and I know for a fact that the instructions for the central heating boiler are in very small writing.

I have not taken any pictures of the sky today and no one I know has had to assemble any IKEA products. Although the dog thought he saw a group of pensioners assembling an IKEA central heating boiler today (the Arsonfizz 999), why do IKEA products always have strange names?

The preferred mode of transport of the modern spy

The multidimensional multidirectional, computer program for the Open University and the demise of Chocolate Santa

I have noticed Miss Fionaski is at stage two of the mushroom growing competition; well I guess if you are a Russian Spy then you need to be efficient. I am not efficient and can’t remember where I put mine which are on stage one still. DAM I know it is not far away though.

I also met Mrs Judith the teacher today who thought the greenhouse glowing was a cyber-story and not a real one, so I had to explain it was a real story and it really did glow in the dark. I sure she thinks I’m Mad now

Then later on our old friends Mr Nigel and Miss Loraine came to visit us, it has been a long time since we have seen them. But as the dog says these things happen sometimes, it is all to do with the lines of force we each generate and how they interact. It is very difficult to maintain a large number of interacting forces and so what will happen is some will be broken as a result of other interacting lines of force.  It can get very complex, so it seems. According to the dog we all part of single natural interlaced primeval force working as a multidimensional  multidirectional, computer program and part of an  Open University project for He Who Must be Obeyed. Dad is hoping this is not true as he has never had much luck with the Open University; they never really forgave him after his experiment with the Steam Powered Fast Reacting Sewage Compressor.

Sorry distracted again as I was saying it was really nice to see Mr Nigel and Miss Loraine and they have now headed back out into the dark.

One very sad event today was the demise of Chocolate Santa and not as you might expect. We had to go out for a couple of hours to do stuff (bit of this, bit of that. See a man about a dog etc …..Not our dog or any dog really, but you know what I mean …….. I hope). So Chocolate Santa was sat on the table in the dinning room and when we got back he was a puddle in his box, It wasn’t that hot (OK it was in the window of the dinning room) after all it is January; anyway Chocolate Santa is now Chocolate Puddle and in the fridge turning into Chocolate ice rink.  

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Al Gore and the Large Hadron Weather Collider (LHWC), Ice World and Squirrels.

School was hot and sticky today but the weather is definitely on the turn I think, and by 5:00 pm there were spots of rain and the wind was picking up. Even some of the crows and rooks were circling in the sky practicing their autumn songs again.  Luckily the Squirrels have got bored with singing Tip Toe through the Tulips now and lets face it it’s not the right song for autumn.

The Geography teacher was telling us today that the unseasonal weather is all the fault of a Professor Nessman one of Captain Nessman of the High Seas relatives.  Professor Nessman has been working on the Large Hadron Weather Collider (LHWC) inside a large volcano with huge doors at the top of it. It is bits like that rather well know one in Switzerland it even has a Proton Synchrotron Booster and a Compact Muon Solenoid. The main difference is Professor Nessman’s Collider creates weather and then the accelerated weather particles are fired high into the troposphere which then causes a tropospheric ozone transient miss function resulting in the manipulation of the weather.

The Geography teacher said that the machine was created by Professor Nessman to wind up a Mr Al Gore because when their Great Great Great Grandfathers went to school, they fell out big time and so started the infamous Nessman Gore Feud. Then in recent times The Nessman’s famous Ice World went bankrupt when Mr Al Gore frightened all the banks into withdrawing their funding with rumours of Global Warming and the demise of ice in nature. The result of course was the breaking up of Ice World which had to go into liquidation and even efforts to float Ice World on the stock market failed after Mr Gores epic documentary-film .

Anyway Professor Nessman is apparently rather pleased as Mr Gore (although he always says to the Geography teacher You can CALL ME AL) looks like an IDIOT.  

The dog thinks this must be the most complex way to get to a Youtube link anyone has ever done. Mum said
 IDIOT.

Fiona Knight                The nice weather has been abruptly switched off, my conspiracy theory continues with the truth behind "The Trueman Show" , I just feel sorry for the daffodils that are appearing near to school bank.

On the Bright side Miss Fionaski it they were Tulips the Squirrels would start singing that song again.

The new head of the CIA. Travolta Syndrome commonly known as Saturday Night Fever and a blunt shape implement

Mercedes went home today back too the Great Metropolis to as she put it fight the cause. I am always very sceptical of fighting the cause, it has a habit of never quite turning out as planned and if you’re not careful you will end up fighting the cause you are fighting for; and then everyone gets confused. 

As with much lately, things were easier in the past because the cause were a tribe of midgets something akin to Elves or god forbid Hobbits, so fighting the cause was what happened outside the disco on Saturday night before they found an antidote for Travolta Syndrome commonly called Saturday Night Fever. Which lead to an irrational desire to attack smaller people (The cause)?

Mercedes decided we should be blood brothers, although I wish she had warned me first it was a bit of a shock to find my arm being repeatedly stabbed with my own compass set. The dog warned me once never keep a compass once the points blunt and I know why now, still we are blood brothers now and I am obliged to defend her to the end apparently, which is a worry because she likes to leap into the cages of wild animals as part of her interest in dangerous sports.

Anyway she has departed never to be seem again in book one as it will all end tomorrow in a huge anti-climax of expectations when a small ant finds a small red button saying do not press and does what we all would do and presses it.

Sorry I am late tonight we have been out to eat in a gallery with a restaurant run by Miss Elly and I have been eating Spicy Fish Kofte ….. WELL COOL. Me and dad also got involved in some DIY and so our day has been very busy. The dog is looking through the telephone directory for a good publisher sympathetic to large dogs that like maths speak Latin and are wise in the ways of martial arts. He says the Ghost Writer may be good with computers but the chance of him convincing that very nice Steven Spielberg to read my manuscript is three shades of orange, greener than a bee in a jam jar I think its an old Latin saying that has not faired well in translation like many other things. Mum was thinking of making a huge cake tomorrow but has said as its the last page she has decided to put her feet up and chill instead.

Our last Ooooo hang on thing today is we have noticed Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy has managed to clone herself many times. I bet the CIA were not expecting that to happen no wonder they need a new man in charge of it.

A quite day of departures by Film People, Pirate People, Hamsters and Spies

It has been a quite day of departures as we approach the last couple of weeks of the School holidays when much will change and yet much will stay the same. who can tell

Today has seen the departure of Jim back to Hollywood everyone waved and said Cheerio and hopes all would go well with the new movie. He has transported his Hamsters to perform in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Where Jim thinks their Elvis tap dancing routine will make him millions. I asked Jim about his parents as they never came over but he says they made the mistake of sunbathing by the pool during the Alligators exercise time and although he did all he could to help it was difficult to operate the camera and save them. But the resulting film clips were used to great success to promote the Alligators in Hollywood movie and he says his parents will be on film for ever.        

Miss Fionaski is also flying off on her next mission having had all the evidence and fingerprints in her kitchen entirely painted over by one of her agents working under cover (dust covers I think).

Pirate Pete is also away today to sail the seven seas on a new epic adventure with his new sidekick Rusty the Robot Dog who has been made watertight and has been given Buoyancy. Pirate Pete thinks Rusty the Robot Dog will be a good sidekick as he has six legs and all their eight legs are steam powered. Mercedes will be returning to the Great Metropolis soon but her dad Mr Pickup is saying it is tough being a city banker in the city because the masses don’t like city bankers much. He said even the Chauffeur shouted at him when he explained to him that his (the Chauffeur’s) pension fund was now only worth £1:00 a day due to a slight error by Mr Pickups Investment company. 

........................................................................ A bit Later in time after some food and stuff


I think I have writers block yet again, and it is really not a good time to get it is it. I feel my diary has lost is witty edge and excitement maybe it is just too long. No too long is the wrong description, it is too thick just too many pages although it would be possible to use tiny tiny print if it were not for the fact the Ghost Writer is as blind as a bat even with his glasses on. And if it was printed big enough for him to read it would be 3000 pages long and a book binder’s nightmare.

You don’t get book binders much these days, but then you don’t get books like the oldie world real books with gold embossed lettering on the cover and leather on the side bit. I think as and when or if the book is published I will insist on a properly made limited edition with illuminated (? I think that’s right) letters and illustrations so it looked like an old Victorian diary. That would be very cool indeed.

Another thing that has gone down hill in quality in recent years is light bulbs, mum and dad say in the old days before we had 300 different types of fitting and it was just a big bayonet fitting a light bulb could last a year sometimes longer. These days they sometimes last a month, a week or even less. Even the expensive low energy light bulbs do not seem to last any longer which all of us think rather defeats the object, bearing in mind the extra energy and cost making them and then buying them.

Anyway I am working through the writers block ASAP so with luck I will be OK tomorrow. Sorry for all the rubbish in-between the good bits.   

the carnival in Montgomery, the Chicken and the Spy

I have always worried about repeating myself in my diary but ironically because it has been going for a whole year now (If you are reading the blog then you have missed the first six months) real life is now starting to repeat itself in reality. It is Montgomery Show and carnival today I got to see the carnival but not the show, after last year  they said AAAAuuuuuugggHHHHHHH at the gate and refused to let me in.

It was only a flesh wound and he recovered fine and the bouncy castle was eventually repaired I think. Still the number of floats seems to get fewer each year, these old small town traditions are dying out. And although there is still much interest in the biggest cucumber, the longest carrot and the largest number of potatoes grown in a bucket, sadly I think the days of such things are numbered.

I did take one photo at the carnival but it was not the carnival it was a really cool sixties era Mercedes Benz. Mercedes (my friend from London) of course is named after Mercedes (the car) so she thought it was very cool indeed. But it was not in the carnival parade which was a shame it should have been.

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy came to see us today she was delivering chocolate chip cookie biscuits for the Ghost Writers birthday on the 29^th August, She is away on a mission so had to deliver them today. She was telling us that she had to spend ages looking for three white chickens earlier and one of them has changed into a cockerel after it was subjected to events which apparently must remain secret.   

Jim and the Film crew are packing to return to Hollywood to edit the movie and splice in the hero and an alien trapped on earth, Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot were shouting Splice the main Brace HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR ……….. HAR HAR. I think that is sort of the right idea but wrong and as Jim said its all done digitally using computers now. Captain Flint the Parrot threw Brazil nuts at Jim and said You’re just a modern trendy capitalist……….rubbish. Much to the satisfaction of Mercedes (the Girl not the Car) who threw a few extra Brazil nuts when Jim was distracted by Pirate Pete splicing rope together and Abseiling  out through a window onto the top of the film crews truck. He has heard rumour they may have chocolate coated bacon in the van to remind them of home, they are not good with porridge with a pinch of salt first thing in the morning.  

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker, rock star and all round nice bloke

A parallel multi-universe, Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy and Ant Day

What a strange world we all live in, but as I have said before I have the advantage that no one gets hurt in mine and although they come and go and get squashed or eaten by huge creatures in the woods at night, AH (I don’t think that has happened yet has it).  But fundamentally everyone is OK in my world, which sadly is much less clear cut in the real world.

However the Ghost Writer says it is possible and very likely that his world (Yours) is a multi-dimensional one, far more complex than people can comprehend (with the exception of the dog) and that it is not beyond the possibility that everyone will end up in my world. After all as he says once a world exists in any form even in the mind. Who is to say that it therefore can not exist in any dimension? So I am as real as the ghost writer at some point in time and space, in a parallel multi-universe. Of course as mum points out if that is true and it all went slightly wrong for the Ghost Writer he could end up in a Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men world or even worse I could end up in a Harry Potter Sequel when he’s seventy three and is head whizo at Hogworts with the big pointy hat giving out points like Nelson Beelzebub does.

See how kind I am I have just given then a whole new angle to run off another six books and make a fortune in the movie game and will they thank me NO. I still haven’t heard a word from that nice Mr Steven Spielberg yet. I am sure he can’t be that busy after all he is in Hollywood not Bollywood where they run off films at twenty eight a week to keep the punters happy. Maybe I should get Bollywood to make the movie it would be full of dancing and songs then and there could be mechanical elephants in it and stuff like that and we would get curry after filming at night YUM (that may not be true and just the stereo-typical western ghost writer being stereo-typical).

Just in case your wondering the Ghost Writer was in the grey office today so that’s why we are all grumbling it has been a nice sunny day and I am expecting Jim to turn up in the next couple of days to go exploring in the woods (where someone might be eaten by a huge beast in the night……….YAHHHH). Mum just said IDIOT (me not the huge beast I think).

Finally I must add that Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy  has informed me it is Ant Day in Montgomery. So it is off on the ant hunt tonight in the woods looking for ants. And the Ghost Writer would like to add flobalob alob alob flob ……………. Weeeeeeeeeeed. Well there is only one word that sums that up and we all know what it is.

Monty the Lynx

I heard on the wireless that the use of facebook is rapidly falling in the counties where it is well established and that the general public loose interest after a relatively short time. GOSH I am shocked loose interest when so much happens on my wall. And I thought I was doing such a good job, just goes to show the public are very fickle and my life is not very exciting. What will Steven Spielberg and the corporate sponsor’s think of this devastating news about facebook will the people of the blog come to my rescue bearing in mind tonight you are gaining the added bonus comments that will not appear on facebook in its entirety because if I did  all my friends on facebook  would shout at me and say things like ROBBIE stop it we cant stand all the words they are hurting our ears and eyes and other bits although not our noses.

By the way I have included a picture of the Lynx my friend Miss Fiona used to look after at home from time to time for a friend, a long time ago. The first Lynx (called Monty) I have heard of in Mid-Wales and the first one I have heard of living in a nice little house near the sea. I only found out as a result of telling her about Miss Vicky and her Buzzard encounter on the road.

Miss Fiona the famous Russian double agent and wood mice and stuff

 

We all went for a walk in the park this morning and sat on one of the long benches; although Flipper the Wood Mouse, Mrs Flipper, the Flipper children and their partners and little Tadpole their first Grandchild took up at least half the bench on their own. It is the ritual of the creation of the great guide produced by the town’s extravaganza event committee

This happens in a big house in secret but luckily the rooms have large windows and if you sit in the park on the right bench then you can watch the creation of the guide. It is very interesting as all the pages are laid in piles round on a big table and the extravaganza committee circles round the table starting with page one and moving anticlockwise slowly put together the great guide. Each member follows on until the whole committee are going round and round and round the table until all five thousand guides are produced ending with a huge cheer and tea and biscuits. From outside we can see all the people running past the windows first one way then the other then back clutching guides in various states. It is a ritual that has survived for hundreds of years and each year we go and watch, well only if it is warm and sunny to tell the truth.

We then went off to a garden centre to get plants but me and the dog lost interest very quickly because they didn’t have a single poisonous spiky creeper of monkey eating bromeliads. The entire Flipper family had to stay in the car because there are so many of them now people keep screaming. They did that anyway as they were passing the car but I suppose eighty three wood mice sticking their tongues out at you through the windows singing I will survive can be a bit of a shock for the average customer of garden centres. Flipper the Wood Mouse has been telling dad his home in the skirting boards in the hall way at home is getting a little small for all the family, Pirate Pete says they wont all fit on his shoulder any longer and if they all shout PIECES OF EIGHT at the same time it makes him deaf in his right ear. The dog thinks we should attach a giant wheel to the side of the house and they could all earn their kept by generating electricity for us.

Other than that it has been a very quiet day. It is strange living in a little town where very little happens of interest I hope that nice Mr Steven Spielberg won’t find us too boring for his block buster movie of the book.

Interesting we have reached 99,000 words now

Paul Nessman And soon you will reach 99,000 wood mice :)

It is the birthday of Miss Fiona the famous Russian double agent; and on this very important day in her life she always plays the violin and like that rather well known head of state Robert D Nero she likes to fiddle as the microfilm burns. Which sadly; always means the family never see the end of the film on Miss Fiona’s Birthday.