The Fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence and a quite look back at the past

It continues to rain here rather a lot and the ground is well and truly saturated, the fabled minor stream of inconsequence that runs behind our house and off into the wood must be at least a good 12 to 18 inches deep and almost three feet wide. This means that it still only counts as a minor stream of inconsequence which bearing in mind all the rain and flooding in Britain is rather good when you live in a bungalow.

I really should write loads more but am going to do a sneaky and tell you what I wrote way back on Friday, 28 October 2011 . . . (why I hear you type, well I’m lazy and its wet and dark and the middle of winter).

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The new house is right at the far end of the wood, right at the end of a thin ribbon of wood that follows the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, the source of which is right next to our new house. So me and the dog thought it was time to take a little trip to explore. There were two reasons for this. The first was that it has been a very quiet day; the second reason is I really can’t believe you wish to hear about boxes again.

The third reason is it has been rather nice and sunny today an excellent time to explore woods (I sound like Monty Python now). So three reasons why I was in the woods, although the forth one would be that the sequel to the blockbuster movie of the book; (book one) based on this, book two, so far is full of boxes, and that is not a good plot. So four reasons why no one expects the Spanish Inquisition….. Mum has said you know what again, sorry mum however I have thought of a fifth reason……. No only kidding.

 In the woods the trees are all loosing there leaves and many animals are hibernating such as Hedgehogs, Bears, Beavers, The Lemmings of Petrograd, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank always gets hibernating and flying south for the winter mixed up, which is an easy thing to do according to mum and dad, but I think they are being nice. But it is cheaper for Uncle Frank to hibernate in the wood than spend all winter partying in Ibiza

We had a long wander through the woods, the dog destroying yet another catapult made by the Dodo’s. He says it will be the last of the year as they have turned their attention to building a Jacuzzi (otherwise known as a hot tub) to keep them cosy over the winter months.  This is the result of them getting to read a Woman’s Own magazine left in the wood by a camper. Yes you see the consequences of leaving your rubbish in the countryside. The repercussions of these acts are not always easy to predict, so please ensure you always clear all your rubbish and dispose of it correctly. Thank you.

Dam it distracted again; we made it to the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence and as was discussed last time (Yes you do need to pay attention) we found evidence of the Madman of the Woods, we even thought we heard the distant call of the wild; HAR HAR HARDY HA HAR a sound with a familiar ring to it. The dog even found prints of a strange animal in the muddy banks of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence a strange creature with six legs …………. …………. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Anyway it got dark and we had to return home as we were all visiting a particularly famous old lady of Monty who is ninety nine today; and it is not the done thing not to visit. So we did. I did say she was not to run about in the night singing in the street and climbing lamp posts. Mum said IDIOT which I thought was a bit harsh after all she is 99 ……….. AH apparently she was referring to me. 

I have a friend, called Mr Jones.

Who is famous for his, scary groans.

And likes to wear, a pointy hat.

While dancing with, the vampire bat.

And in the middle of the night.

He will knock on doors, to give you a fright.

But at Halloween, he is in the wood

To shout TRICK OR TREAT at …………  Robin Hood.

HA HAH HAHAHH hahah hah hahhah hahhahhah hahahah hha ha ha hah hah hahah.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . .

OK back to 2014 yes a lot of time has passed; the dog is still with the Pope I think, teaching him stuff about the Romans and Greeks and the little old lady died having reached 101. And I gave up spelling DAMN like DAM because folk thought I was silly and they did not see the ironic dark humour of a large wall holding back all that water. Since spelling DAMN correctly all that water is now all outside and I think that says everything. . . . . 

AH I may have to use an old picture tonight also . . . . . .DAM . . . . . HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH HA HAHHAH haha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha.  

Gosh I have written a lot of rubbish in the last few years……

The very nice Steven Spielberg, The Weather Machine, Peanut Brittle and Pigeons

As the long term followers of my diary will know the very nice Steven Spielberg has given many words of advice such as “ROB you’re an IDIOT”,  and “GO AWAY”.  All very useful as we are still hopeful that the blockbuster movie of The Diary of Rob Z Tobor based on the best selling book will be Mr Steven Spielberg’s first slightly eccentric Art Movie. However I have been advised by the film company that it is time for the sad loss a key player.

So at school today the school mascot the Goat was being loaded into his travelling crate heading to his summer retreat led in by Esmeralda who he has learnt to trust this year, when there was a slip and before anyone could react it was too late. Yes the goat had eaten part of Esmeralda when she slipped in the mud. An ambulance was called and they have rushed her to hospital but it does not look good, the goat is a fast eater.  The Ambulance men are as I write having counselling as they don’t have to deal with people eaten by goats very often.

I was not there myself I was trying to convince the maths teacher that although we are on our last few days of the school year, he really should not be singing and dancing on his desk and making rude gestures at the pupils, after all we will all be back next year…… OK Esmeralda might not, well not all of her anyway.  Dad has said if she pulls through he will makes some steam powered parts for her much like he did for Pirate Pete.  And if she likes she can have six legs like Rusty the Dog.

The Headmaster is rather upset he says he has had enough agro dealing with the sacrificial sacrifice of a pupil to the goat, so the school goat eating two pupils in one term will be frowned on and bring back the school inspectors. So he has knobbed the school accident book and told us all to say it was a flock of pigeons heading south for the winter and Esmeralda had unfortunately been making peanut brittle in the cookery class. Well it is true Esmeralda is/was always a messy cook and that peanut brittle can get everywhere and it is certainly true pigeons love peanuts.

It also appears a mysterious man has offered dad loads of money if he makes his weather machine insure that the weather is sunny during the Olympics and has offered dad 50% of the profits from unsold Olympic tickets and said it will be looked on very favourably by certain people in certain places, and certain MI6 files will vanish nudge nudge….. I did think I should warn the mysterious man that dad’s weather machine is rubbish. But dad says if all goes well he will be able to sell them for loads and say ‘As used to manipulate the Olympic weather, recommended by a Mr Coo (sorry that’s the pigeons I mean Coe)”.  And he will be able to put Olympic rings on his weather machines and a picture of Elvis?

Oooooo I had Jumbo Haddock for tea ………. JUMBO……. Is someone manipulating trading standards. I know they say fish stocks are getting a bit low but there are bigger newts in our pond……. I had to eat two jumbo haddock not a newt. 

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My Entire A to M so Far (Abridged).... so Time for a Party

Yesterday I managed to Mention M as you might have guessed..... I am Magnificent at this MAD game as many bloggers might have discovered, I am also MOSTLY Modest but not when mentioning M. Anyway I am meandering away from the main thread of my mission, My Manuscript (Diary).

As everyone knows who reads my blog (or reads the book or watches the block buster movie)  the MYSTERIOUS MURDEROUS MUMBLING MUMMIFIED MUTANT MONSTERS of MESOPOTAMIA made it to a party last night with their friends The marauding mean megalomaniacal Mankind Mutilating Marionettes of Moldova but The Marionettes of Moldova said there were strings attached. The party you see was at the now infamous illicit ISOBAR and they had all got their invites from a pretty young girl, which gave them, free entry and a free drink.

They thought hang on we have heard of the ISOBAR what is it we are meant to say……AH yes  “I’m an INTERGALACTIC INVADER from IO (one of the moons of Jupiter), and my IGUANA has INSOMNIA”. So they did but she said “In that case you Might get two free drinks” so they went.

Much to their amazement also there were; The LEMMINGS of Petrograd and a Llama, The legendary JURASSIC JIGANTICIUS JOLLISCARYIUS, The KING of the KELPIES, the Ghost of HARRY HOUDINI, The GUILD of GROTESQUES AND GARGOYLES and Godzilla,  the FIERY FIGHTING FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD, The  ELITE of the EUROPEAN ELLIPTICAL EARTH ENGINE Club,  The DEMENTED DEADLY DORMICE of DOOM,  A CARNIVOROUS CAVE CRAB of CAMBODIA, and a AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE (SPIDER SORT OF THING) ANDROID.

They were all out of their heads (well everyone except the HEADLESS HORSEMAN) on Billberry bush MOONSHINE and some sort of monsterious mixed up Alphabet Cocktail….. Then this MORNING when they woke up it appears they had blown all their cash and a pretty young girl appears to have compromising photos of MOST of them playing Leap frog in the lavatory.

 OK bloggers in all that rushing to write that I cant remember if I used twelve letters or all  thirteen letters, so what you have to ask yourself is are you feeling Lucky SO ……….DO you feel Lucky bloggers.

If anyone thinks I am going to do this again when we get to Z you are MAD …………HA HAH HAH AHHAH HAH HAH HAHAHH Hah hah hahaha hahh a  a ……………HA HAHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH H HA

HA HA HA HAH AH hah hahhaha hah hah ha hahah ha ha

AH MUM said IDIOT

Time off HA .......... I laugh in the face of adversity 

The Health and Safety man, the bonfire and the victims of the Ginger Phantom

We are back to normal now just? Me and the dog have been out having a bonfire, burning stuff. There were several bonfires around us today as we have seen plumes of smoke drifting across the valley. Dad says it is parents burning children after the Christmas break. I think he probably means that the parents are letting the children burn the Christmas rubbish.

Ah apparently not dad says No it is parents burning the children after Christmas, luckily mum said IDIOT so PHEW. The Health and Safety man has shouted from off screen (Page) now, saying that children are not allowed to play with cans of petrol, matches, piles of Christmas paper and bonfires.  Dad entirely disagrees, he thinks it is important for children to assess risk; it is why if you throw a small child down a ravine they tend to bounce rather than break bones. If you throw an old man down a ravine they break loads of bones, dad apparently has done loads of experiments on this and has proved it many times. I always wondered why he threw me down ravines when I was small but I have assessed the risk and now don’t leap down ravines (unless thrown by dad).

The result of all this is that all the children having bonfires today and throwing cans of petrol on them have assessed the risk and are all perfectly OK ………….. AH well MMMMM, still me and the dog are fine and Sooty the Cat was black anyway so a little charring will not be noticed.

Poor old Sooty and Heavy Harry the Cat are victims of the Ginger Phantom, a scary gingerish thing that moves at speed and with stealth and has long pointy claws and teeth and is a thing. I say thing because so far it has moved so fast know one has worked out what it is yet. The dog is convinced it has six legs and is muttering HA HA HA HARDY HAR CAT YUM. We will reserve judgement on that because I know what he is thinking; he is thinking Rusty the Steam Powered Robot Dog and it might be, but could Rusty the Steam Powered Robot Dog make it through a cat flap, even if it is quite a big cat flap. Bearing in mind Heavy Harry the Cat is not a small cat and has to fit through the cat flap.

OK that’s it I’m off now (as in going elsewhere not smelly ……….well not very smelly)

The haul of Silver Treasure, MI6, The CIA and the secret service. Plus and the grumbling Parrot.

Typical as we head back to school on the school bus, the sun is shining and the sky is blue and it is nice and warm. Although having said that Miss Elaine has said via the miracles of the internet that she is going into hiding as a tornado is due (the windy stuff not the jet fighter ……I think?). The dog always compares such things as this to throwing toast on the floor (Sorry accidently dropping).

The dog and I even tested this by accidently dropping loads of toast on the floor and every single bit landed butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter side down. Mum then shouted at us even though I explained it was an experiment and I ended up with no toast and going to school hungry while the dog ate all the toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter on the floor …… NOT FAIR. Luckily I did hide a few bits in my shirt for lunch time although I was rather sticky and was attacked by wasps at break time. So I had toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter sandwiches with eye pie and pork scratching jelly for pudding, its well yummy especially the crunchy bits.

When I got home the dog, and the Ghost of Steven Spielberg were sun bathing, can a ghost sun bath? Anyway that is a distraction, Captain Flint the Parrot was complaining that someone had found all his silver hidden in his pirate ship at the bottom of the sea and he had given me the treasure map to look after, and now look what had happened. Funnily I have not seen the treasure map since Pirate Pete left on his adventure with Rusty the Six Legged Steam Powered Dog that dad made.

The Dog thinks that Pirate Pete sold the map to MI6 and the CIA so he could buy a flash ship like Captain Nessman of the High Seas has. And the Secret Service has invented a cover story to run off with Captain Flint the Parrot’s stash of Pirate gold and silver. Even mum thinks it is very likely so it must be true. The Parrot said he plans to take MI6 to court to get his booty back (that’s the silver not his shoes). But dad says if he tries he will end up with concrete booties and a trip to the lake so best to stay mum (that’s as in quiet not become a mum, he’s the wrong sex).

Well that’s it now; a squawking complaining parrot all night even with a pile of extra Brazil nuts.

A quite day of departures by Film People, Pirate People, Hamsters and Spies

It has been a quite day of departures as we approach the last couple of weeks of the School holidays when much will change and yet much will stay the same. who can tell

Today has seen the departure of Jim back to Hollywood everyone waved and said Cheerio and hopes all would go well with the new movie. He has transported his Hamsters to perform in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Where Jim thinks their Elvis tap dancing routine will make him millions. I asked Jim about his parents as they never came over but he says they made the mistake of sunbathing by the pool during the Alligators exercise time and although he did all he could to help it was difficult to operate the camera and save them. But the resulting film clips were used to great success to promote the Alligators in Hollywood movie and he says his parents will be on film for ever.        

Miss Fionaski is also flying off on her next mission having had all the evidence and fingerprints in her kitchen entirely painted over by one of her agents working under cover (dust covers I think).

Pirate Pete is also away today to sail the seven seas on a new epic adventure with his new sidekick Rusty the Robot Dog who has been made watertight and has been given Buoyancy. Pirate Pete thinks Rusty the Robot Dog will be a good sidekick as he has six legs and all their eight legs are steam powered. Mercedes will be returning to the Great Metropolis soon but her dad Mr Pickup is saying it is tough being a city banker in the city because the masses don’t like city bankers much. He said even the Chauffeur shouted at him when he explained to him that his (the Chauffeur’s) pension fund was now only worth £1:00 a day due to a slight error by Mr Pickups Investment company. 

........................................................................ A bit Later in time after some food and stuff


I think I have writers block yet again, and it is really not a good time to get it is it. I feel my diary has lost is witty edge and excitement maybe it is just too long. No too long is the wrong description, it is too thick just too many pages although it would be possible to use tiny tiny print if it were not for the fact the Ghost Writer is as blind as a bat even with his glasses on. And if it was printed big enough for him to read it would be 3000 pages long and a book binder’s nightmare.

You don’t get book binders much these days, but then you don’t get books like the oldie world real books with gold embossed lettering on the cover and leather on the side bit. I think as and when or if the book is published I will insist on a properly made limited edition with illuminated (? I think that’s right) letters and illustrations so it looked like an old Victorian diary. That would be very cool indeed.

Another thing that has gone down hill in quality in recent years is light bulbs, mum and dad say in the old days before we had 300 different types of fitting and it was just a big bayonet fitting a light bulb could last a year sometimes longer. These days they sometimes last a month, a week or even less. Even the expensive low energy light bulbs do not seem to last any longer which all of us think rather defeats the object, bearing in mind the extra energy and cost making them and then buying them.

Anyway I am working through the writers block ASAP so with luck I will be OK tomorrow. Sorry for all the rubbish in-between the good bits.   

The mass hysteria of looters, Poundland and truffle hunting

Dads friend Benny Neckbender came to see dad today; he is very upset about the looting in all the big cities and was complaining that it is difficult enough for a decent honest criminal to make a living in the present economical climate without a lot of teenage gangs in a state of mass hysteria running about nicking everything and anything and smashing up all the shops.

   

 In the old days he could go to the pub and quietly flog a nice 48 inch Plasma television for a few readies to a man from the market who would have a friend who would shift it about a bit and everyone was happy. Today he was visiting a man about a dog up in the smoke (The Great Metropolis) and they walked past a skip full of Plasma televisions that no one wanted. And he said they even looted Poundland? He was well unhappy with that he said it gives crime a bad name when people loot places like Poundland, he said even shop lifters sneak things back in and leave them on the display shelf having removed them from their poor old mums flat, because she is 93 and has lost the plot. Apparently mad little old ladies who have lost the plot like to buy stuff in Poundland for a pound, and were it not for the fact the CCTV showed gangs of youth running up and down the road Benny would have been convinced it was a gang of grannies that looted the shop chain.

Jim went to the woods today as the dog had offered to act as a sniffer dog and show him things and animals that no one has seen before, but for substantial fee up front in cash. I’m sure Jim would never have fallen into that trap in the old days, but he is very focused on his wildlife movie. They were away until quite late and the dog came back very bouncy and happy, he said he found some really scary things that no one had ever seen before and that some of them even ate one of the film crew when Jim tried to do a close up shot to show how big their teeth were. Jim said it was not nice but great action for the movie.

Me, Mercedes and Rusty the Robot Dog spent the day in the park trying find truffles, I did suggest the sweet shop but Mercedes said IDIOT; At least is was not mum. Sadly Rusty the Robot Dog might be able to speak Latin but his ability at finding truffles is rubbish although he did find twenty five pounds worth of scrap copper pipe. He said it was scrap, although the huge plume of water in the ornamental garden was not there when we arrived, so we left then sort of quickly and went home via the scrap yard. Benny said NICE and has asked to borrow Rusty.  

Tarzan, the eco warrior and the last Panda

Another day of searching for houses although me and the dog thought we would have a break and go to the woods to find suitable underground or hidden places to live. A bit like Rodin Hood did with his merry men only it would be merry mum (or Goth Mum) so maybe merry men is a bit wrong.  It is surprising how difficult it is to hunt houses because in general they are large things.

There is not much to live in, in the woods although the dog did make a rather good tree house in one of the big trees and was swinging about on a large creeper shouting ME TARZAN YOU JANE at Rusty the Robot Dog. Trouble was Rusty refused to be Jane I think because Rusty thought the dog meant Jane Russell and Rusty being a six legged robot dog thought he would look like a complete IDIOT dressed up in a wig and makeup like Jane Russell. The dog said Rusty could pretend to be a Russell Terrier called Jane and then fell about laughing but in doing so fell out the tree.

 Anyway he was fine because he fell on something soft, which turned out to be an eco-warrior who had tied himself to the tree to stop the bypass. Only that was five years ago and they never built the bypass due to lack of funding, although the eco warrior thought he had saved the trees so we thought it best not to tell him. In the end we got one of the banshee’s to drop him off at the bus station. I did warn the dog that banshees do take things rather literally and I think his fall was sort of OK even though he did not have anything soft to land on like an Eco person just a metal bus shelter, and a little old lady waiting for the 76 to Shrewsbury. (She was not very soft and hit him with her umbrella.)

I have noticed that little old ladies always wear a big coat and have an umbrella even when it is really hot like today, why do they do that maybe when you get old you assume it will always rain sometime in the day so best to be prepared. I asked the Ghost Writer about that, he’s old and he said yes we are all doomed like the weather it is due to rain for even while the insistent burning sun destroys us all. Mum said the Ghost Writer is an IDIOT which explains much including the nagging dough I have said all this before. The Ghost Writer says yes yes its all rubbish we are doomed.  

By the way this bypass is not the other bypass which was built because that goes to other places and has featured in our story. And no trees were destroyed in the making of that diary entry according to the Ghost Writer. Just a few Hedgehogs and a Panda (just the one, the last one as it happens)...

Dan Heyman                 Brilliant

Thank you Mr Dan you are very kind to say such a thing. However mum thinks you must be mad to say so and said IDIOT as she does. And as you know she says this a lot. Its a bad sign when she turns on the readers, I hate to think what will happen at the movie premier.

The Missing Days......... When not much happened

These are the missing days when I was up North although not much happened. The ghost writer thinks it may be due the the fact he was rather busy and his brain was slightly scrambled. He says sorry, very sorry as it happens....

17^th July 2011

Day one of the spy mission. We left bright and early in the morning to head North, having said farewell to Mr Charlie which is a little suspicious as Mr Charlie never comes to see us first thing in the morning. Then we dropped Sooty the Cat off at the cattery because he is still mad and we thought poor old Pirate Pete might not be able to cope with two cats. Heading North was OK but there was some really heavy rain on the motorways and everyone always drives too fast in all the spray. Dad was not happy because we were in an undercover car, a 2004 Fiat MultiPla which is OK but not the same as the purple metalflake Model T with the supercharged V8 engine. But mum insisted we travelled low key; but the Fiat is quite a good car as it happens, and except for a multiple shunt in Leeds (we were not involved in it but had to pass it) the trip was uneventful.

The Hotel is bit uneventful too, it’s a Holiday Inn and to tell the truth it looks just like all the other Holiday Inns only the bed I’m in is rubbish and I’m only on level six. We have sort of smuggled the dogs in, they don’t allow dogs, but with dark sunglasses and raincoats on shouting it Latin in reception; the hotel are convinced they are mad Italian rock stars.  Anyway not much happened tonight at the hotel except we ate and mum got Rusty the Robot Dog to hang a pumpkin off a Sky satellite dish  about 500 yards away on the roof of an old bed and breakfast. Then she shot a whole load of holes in it. A bit later a repair man turned up to repair the bed and breakfast’s television. But then after the repair man left mum shot a few more holes in the Sky satellite dish.  She is not very happy with one of the owners of Sky and said he has got loads of loyalty points for Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.

18^th July 2011

Spent most of the day in a strange labyrinth of market traders selling things to people who were all wearing little labels, Not sure what all that was about but even mum and dad had little labels. I was planning to ask but mum said DON’T ASK. Then both mum and dad had along chat with an Australian Bloke deep in the bottom of the labyrinth in a place called the dungeon. That’s the second Australian she has had a long chat with in the last couple of days which is odd because we don’t know any Australians. I was planning to ask mum about the Australians but mum said DON’T ASK  and I was not to mention Australians in my diary ……….  AH. Mum has just said IDIOT.

The dogs are working their way through the room service menu to check all the food is safe to eat. Rusty may be a robot but he is a Robot Dog so eating is normal.

19^th July 2011

It was another day of walking through the labyrinth of corridors and interlinked buildings and going up and down in various lifts although it is not like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.  There are no skeletons or Rodin Bronzes or even Martian rock samples and meteorites, Egyptian artefacts or Inca gold idols and gods or any of the stuff he has. And all the little halls in the great labyrinth seem to be full of more market traders although we saw no more Australians. And mum didn’t shoot anymore pumpkins today, although she said she had to deal with some property owned by Australians.  Mum said they were preoccupied with other things today so mum and MI6 were dealing with outstanding issues.

It is all far to complex for me so I was helping the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog sample all the food in the Holiday Inn. We have come to the overall conclusion that the food is not as good as it has been in the past at the Holiday Inn and we have given it five out of ten. Rusty the Robot Dog said it was difficult to score points on the ground he has never been in a Holiday Inn before but he liked the help yourself to breakfast bit in the morning. Although there always seems to be a lot of grannies about too do battle with at breakfast time. Me and the dogs made sure we had a good hearty breakfast, in fact we had two or three. The dog had six this morning but Rusty the Robot Dog and me gave up after three because the gangs of grannies beat us back with sticks and things while they filled doggy bags up for their lunch. Both the dogs thought they should get the doggy bags but as mum pointed out, dogs are not allowed in the hotel and as far as everyone else was concerned they were in fact shabby Italian rock stars that smell a bit manky. 

We will be heading home tomorrow; mum had some funny phone call from an office that apparently does not exist to say they would like her to ring them in the morning. I am not sure how anyone can phone an office that does not exist or get a call from them in the first place.  I tried to ask mum about it but she said DONTIDIOT again. She says I am not likely to be a spy when I grow up and if that very nice Mr Steven Spielberg makes the block buster movie she may have to send him a pumpkin full of bullet holes with a little note from the office that does not exist.  I did say to mum that I assume its will not be on headed paper then, knowing that we have not brought the armadillo toaster with us but she wacked me on the head with the blunt end of the Jackals sniper rifle. NOT FAIR.

Sticky air, heavy gravity and twenty minutes in time.....

Well what can I say it has been one of those days today? I did try and do things only I think the air must be sticky today and the forces of gravity higher than normal because we all thought the same. Sort of Phew what’s the time and we all looked at the clock and it said 1:00 pm them hours later having forced our bodies and mind to do things we all look at the clock and it says 1:10 pm WHAT?

.

We kept doing it and time just slowly ground to a stop in the end dad said he’d had enough and got his flame thrower and torched the clock. Mum was not entirely happy and said IDIOT and made him spend the rest of the afternoon painting the wall again once he had chiselled the remains of the clock off the wall.

The dog and Rusty the Robot dog decided they would be on guard duty today well from 1:15 pm because they said they have seen a pirate in the garden hiding in the shrubs and it was not Pirate Pete who was playing chess with Captain Flint the Parrot, only Captain Flint got the queen and his Brazil nut mixed up and the game sort of got confused. Mind you a pirate and a parrot playing chess using the old Caribbean Offshore Rules is fairly confusing anyway.

Anyway it may be we have pirates in the garden again not sure why yet (I’ll think of something) but it is a bit of a worry. According to the dog he was disguised as  Hercule Poirot, I am not sure whether to believe him or not because he might be just winding up the corporate sponsors who said they will not supply him with free Coca Cola again because five gallons a day is excessive even for a dag. The sponsors are also saying the diary might be OK for a book but they need more action or instead of an action packed thriller full a death defying stunts and cliff hanger moments where we all might die. They will end up with a drama of family life in an old worldly street in a small town in Mid – Wales. They have even implied they might sign a contract with Nelson Beelzebub for the film rights to Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, mum said IDIOTS because it is never a good idea to sign a contract with Mr Beelzebub.

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 OK what’s the time 1:20 pm. I think today might last a long time if it has to do the whole twenty four hours I might use the Einstein Cube and take a short cut.   

A deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows

The little town we live in is a sort of tourist town, I say sort of because it is not the full on kiss me quick hat and candy floss sort of town (candy floss YUM).  But the tourists have taken to arriving in little packs or herds or what ever the plural is for a group of tourists. This week the town is a ghost town, not to be confused with the ghost writer.
But then after school I had to go to the out of town supermarket with mum and dad and Rusty the Robot Dog who they can’t ban because he’s a robot. And because he has six legs if they say he is a dog dad points out it has six legs and dogs don’t have six legs so he is an insect and they haven’t banned insects.

The supermarket was crowded, and as usual once the general public are given a supermarket trolley they because possessed by the devil (admittedly much to the pleasure of Nelson Beelzebub who has often told me it’s his best invention to date). I think it didn’t help the fact it is Friday afternoon and the masses feel they must stock up on food just in case the end of the world arrives.  We met the ghost writer he too was getting very stressed by it all and so both the ghost writer and dad ran up and down the aisles shouting it’s the end of the world, mum said IDIOTS but it did have the effect of emptying the supermarket somewhat. It’s strange because something like that seems to happen most time we go there.

Anyway although the supermarket is like a sardine tin with all the people, the town is very quiet and all the shops say it’s a very odd year for customers. I have never quite worked out why it is a good idea to have all the shops out of town in the first place surely it makes more sense to have shops in a town; like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. But apparently the general public don’t like quirky individual shops and they like all the shops to be the same so a deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows must look identical in every shop in Europe. As it happens they do as it is only served in Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café with chips and sausage pie as a side dish.

One day dad says the multinational branded bland, every shop looking the same will crumble like the Roman empire (I think they were a cinema chain in the fifties) and the individual will once again rule. Dad was standing on a freezer cabinet in the supermarket when he made that speech and although Rusty the Dog, the ghost writer, and two little old ladies cheered we were thrown out and we went home and mum said IDIOT.

Paul Nessman               Is the world ending again? I didn't know about the last one until the day it was supposed to have occurred. Good thing too, because if I live one day like it is my last then I might do something that I regret.

Fiona Knight                If it is soon to be the end then perhaps we should try becoming part of a gawk of tourists.

Well a gawk of tourists is rather good Miss Fionaski famous Russian spy, fixer of complex electronics and keeper of the Lynx (the animal not the mans Antiperspirant spray) although I have heard they might smell the same. And Captain Nessman I am sure even on the last day of the world you would do nothing too mad because you must look after your cats. Maybe some extra treats as the diet is less important at the end of the world.

Paul Nessman                You mean I should wait to give extra treats?...oops. Miss Fiona, congratulations on your apparent promotion...or is that top secret?
 

It is top secret about Miss Fionaski but as the Russians and Ukrainians are quite keen on reading the blog and the FBI and MI6 read my facebook page so it is best not to tell them. I forget sometimes and mum throws the armadillo toaster at me. And cats do have the ability to extract treats out of humans, not sure how they do that.....

The drought the rain and the postman

After the official announcement of the drought in various parts of the UK by the Met office (Metrological Office) the other day, which I heard on the wireless while it was raining. It has rained ever since, today I woke up and it was raining and it is still raining. We now have to wait to see how long it has to rain for before the official drought is over.

Napoleon Beelzebub is not a great fan of rain he quite liked the drought so today we found him sat in the embers of his fire in the inglenook, he usually takes a cosy chair into the inglenook but says they are not that fire proof and nearly always burn leaving nothing but a few springs and screws and sometimes the occasional coin. But they do keep him warm although he seldom gets to finish The Times crossword puzzle as it will go up in smoke very quickly.

Pirate Pete has been feeling a bit home sick for the sea after our trip recently so dad has built him a crow’s nest on a tall mast attached to the chimney on the roof of the house. It has proved very useful as in the morning he will shout Postman ahoy so the postman no longer has to negotiate past the dog or Rusty the Robot Dog. The dog is OK he just likes to make sure all the letters are spelt correctly and eats any junk mail but Rusty the Robot Dog has a in built programming desire to bite the postman. Luckily Pirate Pete has managed to convince Rusty the Robot Dog that the postman is in fact the ghost of the captain of the Titanic. The dog says that Rusty the Robot Dog is still young and impressionable and as he puts it an IDIOT even if he does have six legs and a Nitrogen cooled nano technology Germanium based multi core processor with a fuzzy logic interface (that’s Rusty the Robot Dog not Pythagoras the Dog). Anyway the postman is sort of safe as long as he has the life size model seagull on his head that dad gave him and talks to rusty about icebergs.

The temporary postman did not fair so well the other day but when he complained to his superiors about being bitten by a six legged dog talking in Latin he was given a week off work to recover from stress and for being delusional.

I was asking the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and prophecy Machine if it could keep track of what I have done and what I might do as sometimes I loss the plot and worry my diary might not make any sense. But it stated to go on about some horse somewhere that had bolted and shutting doors, so I think it might be faulty. I did try to ask it if it was faulty and it said IDIOT and reminded me about the big storm in the autumn again.

Aliens stole our ghost writer

The longer you can’t find something, the stranger the places you start to look for the thing you can’t find. The ghost writer has been on the school roof today and mum found him looking in the armadillo toaster at home. He even dug three holes in our garden and one in Mr Jenkins garden who chased him along the road.

The ghost writer is convinced that his things have been abducted by aliens and that there is a plot by aliens to get him. I hope that is true I haven’t seen the aliens yet but I suspect they might be green (not as in ECO but green as in bright green) with skinny arms and big eyes. If they say take me to your leader I’m not sure if I should take them to see mum or the prime minister, everyone else at school thinks I should take them to see mum and not that other bloke. The other Bloke makes it sound like mums a bloke and that’s not true but then the prime minister is not a woman (I think) although he does have a political partner who is a man, but I don’t understand politics and we don’t mention it here because mum, dad, the corporate sponsors and Steven Spielberg don’t like politics but they do like aliens especially green ones who drink Coca Cola. The ghost writer is now walking up and down the street with a banner that says I HATE ALIENS on one side and GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF on the other written in bright green paint, mum has just said IDIOT and the corporate sponsors  have sent Benny Neckbender round to offer him a Coke he cant refuse.

Sooty the Cat is a bit better today but has to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him trying to eat all his stitches which would result in him falling in half, sort off. COOL, mum said IDIOT again. I must ask Auntie Karen if Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker had to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him eating his stitches.

By the way mum has made loads of fairy cakes just in case the aliens turn up but the dog says aliens dont like fairy cakes so me and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are eating a few YUM just to test them to make sure they taste good….

Sun; churches, drums and a bite to eat

A beautiful sunny day in the borders of Mid-Wales with a slight cool breeze and everything is very chilled so far. I say so far because I am off out at somebody’s birthday party in an Evangelical church to do African Drumming. I have never drummed in a church before so it will be interesting. As it happens I am not even sure if I will get to drum but I am there just in case I am needed.

 The dog and the robot dog are lying in the grass with their legs in the air snoring and have been doing that all day. Someone had a bonfire somewhere in town which dad said smelt just like the old days, dad thinks it must be a bonfire or the biggest joint in the world by the amount of smoke.  I asked dad about the joint and he said it’s what carpenters make to fix two bits of wood together, but I then asked him why someone would then set it on fire but he said DON’T ASK.  Anyway because I am off out to another place I do not have time for a long diary entry tonight. Pirate Pete said he would come with me to the church, he said he once had a barbeque with a tribe in the forests of Papua New Guinea who said they really liked the missionaries from the church. And Pirate Pete said they tasted delicious but both mum and dad did point out this is Mid-Wales and a couple of hundred years later and some of the old barbeque rituals have died out or have even become illegal so telling someone that great great  uncle Morris tasted delicious with a nice chilli sauce would be seen as rather bad etiquette and might spoil the party. So he is staying at home………..

Rusty the six legged Robot Dog..... and stuff

Sunny day today which is good after the wet grey day of yesterday. Dad and the dog have finished their robot dog it is not as big as Pythagoras the Dog which is just as well really. It cant run as fast as Pirate Pete either because its legs are shorter. They did give it six legs to try and speed it up a bit but it can only run at thirty five miles an hour.

Having six legs means it got some very strange looks when it went out for its first run this morning but one advantage is that is can dig holes very quickly. Mr Jenkins our neighbour said he has never seen a six legged dog burying a bone while muttering in Latin before while he was in the park so he knew it must be something to do with us. I might take it to school one day next week because form 7G who are making the tunnel have realized they have made a major error as a result of reading maps and the satellite navigation system upside down in the tunnel. It appears the tunnel goes in the opposite direction and is a mirror image of what it should be. So instead of emerging next to the recycling bin by the Fish and Chip Shop it has emerged next to the Fish and Chip Shop food waste at the Council Recycling department. The Dutch exchange students say the fish and chips taste lovely but were wondering what the green lumps were, 7G have told them its Pistachio Nuts as they don’t have the heart to say its mould. The Dutch students are happy and form 7G say it’s a shame to waste all that food even if it is rather rotten and mouldy.

The dog appears very happy with his new friend and is teaching Pirate Pete Latin as the Robot Dog can’t understand commands in pirate and every time Pirate Pete goes HAR HAR HAR the robot dog digs another hole. Mum is not entirely happy with that as there are now three of them in the hallway which are six foot deep. Pirate Pete has also named the Robot Dog Stick Insect because it likes to play stick and has six legs, The dog says he was planning to call it rusty because it is has a mild steel body which is already showing signs of corrosion. Dad did choice a rather unfortunate place for the steam escape value but then it is a dog so most people will not notice.

Preview of another exhibition tonight so we will all be there at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop to do our bit. I have to go and be nice to everyone which is quite frankly NOT FAIR and they all expect me to remember their names from the last preview and there are loads of them I don’t know how I am meant to do that. I got told off last time because I tried to write everyone’s name on their foreheads with a permanent marker pen but mum said IDIOT and told me it was not good for sales. She managed to convince some people it was part of an interactive art installation called Guess Who You Are, a bit like the game.

By the way Sooty the Cat is looking better but is still very noisy