The terrible curse of the selfie

Yesterday or maybe it was the day before I did something terrible, I took a selfie. One of those things that folk do so much that some cunningly clever chap invented a stick so you could take selfies from slightly further away. Now you might be thinking WHY (no not the stick but me taking one of me) and I don’t blame you, but there is a reason. You see what with drawing more pictures and then admittedly tweaking them a bit with some rather basic and very old software, plus writing a bit of dodgy poetry I thought I need a suitable image.  Until recently I have avoided using images of myself as much as possible in cyberspace, but if I plan to be some sort of mad dishevelled cult artist poet, then image is important. So I dug out my Tesco prescription sunglasses pointed my little digital camera at myself and attempted to smile then pressed the button and hey-presto . . . .terrible. Yes no matter how much I try to look slightly cool and moderately chirpy I always end up looking dead grumpy, OK I am grumpy most of the time but not all of it.

Now one of the key things that has brought this to the fore is that my old pal Mr Charlie said I needed a manager so that rather than just drawing stuff and sticking it into the voids of cyberspace to be lost forever, My manager could manage me. Actually I am probably not an ideal candidate for a manager because I am grumpy and a bit maverick (as has been proved by photographic evidence).  So I said to Charlie OK then Charlie you can manage me, and then he went off and told folk I was drawing again and that he was going to organise me and attempt to get me to create enough work for an exhibition. HAHAHAHha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha haha ha hahah a ha ha I thought; I am far to maverick to be organised into something that organised these days, surely such a thing is impossible. I suspect I am right but in order to help my new manager I have promised to create some hanging on the wall art so it can be hung on a wall and folk can look and say. . . . . . . . O my god that’s terrible, that is the worst art I have ever seen. . . .

I did say too Mr Charlie in a slightly enthusiastic way. . . I could add some of my poetry to the artwork. . . . But he looked panicked and said he thought that was a bad idea . . . that means I almost certainly will.

Now I don’t know if this will happen and if it does when, but if it does I will let you all know. What I will say is it will not be in a leading London gallery, for one thing London scares me to bits, it is full of folk running about and huge as in really huge.

In the meantime here is my selfie. . . . . . . . . . .

     

Wizards, Ravens and Old Age

I was planning to write something witty and clever tonight, maybe a cunning tale of a wizard who having got trapped by the general day to day life in the world of wizards decides he will go off and pursue the fabled Ravens of Infinity. Interestingly one of the big issues about being a wizard in the world of wizards is you are just another wizard, but that is not exactly the point, the point was it was my plan to write about him (the wizard). Well it was either write about a wizard or it was to write yet another poem that would leave everyone stunned thinking . . . .Well that was a bit of a shock. . . .  However as you can probably tell by now neither of these things has happened and you might be wondering why. . . . OK I plan to tell you anyway.

You see just at present various important parts of my body are not entirely working as they should be, this is very annoying indeed. I mean I appear to have a doggy liver, dodgy eyes and a dodgy brain which is probably not helped by having dodgy eyes. Having a dodgy liver is rather annoying as someone who never drinks and never really has, but apparently as we get older stuff packs up. Which seems a bit unfair exactly what was Gods idea in doing that then, just as you get the hang of life bits of you start to fall off.

So rather than some brilliant post about something brilliant today's post is in fact me having a bit of a grumble. I did have a kipper for lunch which was rather yummy although I suspect the kipper (herring) might argue that it is alright for me to complain but someone ate him/her and that is just not nice. To tell the truth I don’t entirely disagree with the herring, but life fundamentally eats life and it’s no good saying you are a vegetarian or vegan because plants are a life form just like me. Even the humble salted peanut given a bit of a chance would have preferred to grow into a small planty bush sort of thing.  Mind you plants have one advantage over me as a human they can lose the odd branch or two and will not complain about it a lot. Even insects have the ability to replace various parts with time.  Unfortunately all my dodgy bits are not easily replaced even though there are those that insist my brain has been rubbish for years and I probably would work better without it.

Don’t worry though because I have a pointy stick and I plan to wave it at God for at least the next twenty five years or so demanding that he sorts out the laws of nature logically so that all those nature programs on the tele where a cute thing (me) is eaten by a thing that is not cute (not me) become a thing of the past.

Now all I need to do is come up with a clever poem for tomorrow. . . . . no rest for the wicked or folk with dodgy parts. . . Actually I really need to get new glasses at present too because it is getting to the point I cant read what I am writing or drawing so can only do this is short spells.  I mean my typing was bad when I could see what I was typing so this is a wing and prayer stuff at present.

Not Winning the National Lottery

I will be back here in June, its a grand place

near Inverness

Once a week I buy a Euro millions lottery ticket on a Friday and a national lottery ticket on a Saturday. Now you might say that these days since they sneakily added extra numbers as well as increasing the price to two pounds, the odds of winning as so long that it is almost pointless doing it. Well I would entirely agree with you except for one small issue which now has me trapped. You see since the lottery started a few years ago, probably a few more than I think. I have always used the same numbers on the grounds that based on the principles of probability I would win a modest sum sometime in the next thousand years.  Well that would have been true until they added all these extra draws and then added extra numbers, which now means the principles of probability state that I am more likely to win a tap dancing competition on the moon that win the lottery in the next five hundred thousand years even if I bought a thousand tickets a week.

I refuse to buy more tickets but if I don’t buy my ticket on Friday and Saturday how would I feel if the numbers I use and have always used actually win . . . . I would not be a happy chap so I am well and truly trapped not so much by the dream of winning but by the dread of not winning on the basis that I might actually discover that my numbers did come up on a week I did not have a ticket. I bet (no pun intended) there is a fancy technical name for this but sadly I don’t know it.

O course we all have our little dreams about what we would do if we won the lottery although I do have to point out we should all pursue those dreams as best we can and not think . . . . When I win the lottery I will. . . . . As I have stated you could wait many thousands of years.  But even so, I do have my little dreams about what I might do if I won.  I would not move house I am lucky to live in a nice place but I might buy a small second home near the coast up in Scotland. I love the sea and worked offshore while living in Scotland so it sort of makes sense to rekindle some of those old memories of being an old seadog leaping from boat to ship to platform to crane barge and back again.  And although it’s a stereotypical thing to do I would buy a posh new car. No not some stupid supercar that you cant even get a cat basket in, but a decent 4X4, I have owned a couple in my life and in both cases they were great but as fickle as a car can be, and if I was not nice they would do odd things. They never actually let me down and the V8 Range Rover was a hell of a beast as long as I never ventured far from a petrol station.  It once saved a wedding by ferrying everyone between the church and a house deep in the winter snow.  Sadly Range Rovers have gone all footballers’ wives in their image these days so no good to me.

I would also probably have to get a haircut as it is likely I would be told I could afford a decent haircut, and I suspect protesting would not convince my family that I would be much better as a wild reclusive and slightly mad lottery winner. No they would point at my shiny new posh car and say . . . You can’t drive that with hair that looks like an electrocuted ferret that has been run over a few times by a bus. . . . . . . . You see there are some things even winning the lottery can’t change . . . . Remember money will not make you happy, but it can make it easier to be happy you just need to know what is important.  And even if you do win I suspect you will find you still have dreams that you will be chasing it is sort of what keeps us going. . . . .

Volume Six of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor. . . A New Start

Well we start volume six of my diary at the start of a year, which is the first time that has happened. I must add up just how many words I have actually written because in theory volume six will take me very close to original target of one million, and the plan was always to stop and head off and do new things once I reached one million words.  Although I lost the plot of the plot if you get my drift many moons ago and my blog is now a bit of a hodgepodge of stuff . . . . . I am pleased to see hodgepodge is still a real word because it is one you don’t see much these days. I am not convinced the English language is as colourful and descriptive as it used to be, no doubt ruined by a combination of political correctness and text talk as well as cute cats on YouTube.

Anyway with it being the start of a whole new year and a whole new volume of my diary, some of you may be wondering if I have any plans. Well there are long and short answers to that only the long answer is very long and will involve me getting sidetracked by zombies, rabbits and a multitude of other things  that will end up with me mentioning conspiracy theories. So I think it might be best to give you the short answer to the that question, the one you have probably forgotten about, I know I have.

It was (Question)

Rob this Blog of yours . . .Do you have any plans any ideas about what you wish to write about this year, will it be new exciting and different, lets face it, it has got a bit mmmmmmmm boring and dull

(Answer)

No . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So there you have it . . . . . I will be writing some Poetry again  and drawing pictures and pointing at things like Seagulls with a pointy stick . . . . and I have an interesting conspiracy theory I will tell you all once I think of it.

I hope you all have a great year and that 2016 will be the year when peace breaks out around the world, everyone everywhere will have food and water and everything and everyone is treated with respect.  

Now what on earth do I write about tomorrow. . . . . . . .AAAAaaauuuuuuuggghhHHHHHHH     

A Very Strange Blog Guest Interview

Hello Rob

O NO what do you want

I have come to help with this blog post

What blog post I’m not writing a blog post

I think you will find that you are now

DAMN

Look we can do one of those guest interviews that folk like to do

OK but keep it sensible

What, really don’t you trust me I mean I will just ask a few simple questions so the readers get to know all about you . . . . . sort of, a bit.

OK

Well Rob All this writing you do here what is all that about, I mean you do realise its all futile and that no one is remotely interested in any of it don’t you.

Hang On that’s a bit of an aggressive start for an interview

Well I thought I would do a political one, folk like politics

Are you sure. I thought they preferred cute cats on YouTube.

Now dont change the subject Mr Tobor you need to answer the question YES or NO.

WHAT?

No not what that tells us nothing we need to know exactly where you stand.

I stand on the floor although at present I am sitting at a desk typing.

I think we can all see that. . . You once  operated a machine called a UFO didn't you. You were called a UFO Pilot.

Yes

Exactly an Unidentified Flying Object. . . You are in fact an Alien aren’t you

No I’m not and UFO stands for Underwater Flying Observer it was one of those ROV’s (remotely operated vehicles) it was a submarine and I didn’t go in it I just operated it from the surface.

And you were a tea blender at one time

Yes but it was a terrible job, No one wants to be a tea blender in Dante’s Inferno, so I ran away and hid.

And you stopped a runaway truck once didn’t you.

Yes

I was an ace skateboarder when no one else was interested and I was sort of passed by a truck with no driver so I leapt into it all heroically and stopped it

And what happened

I got lots of angry looks from passing pedestrians who thought I was the driver so I ran away and hid

You have been run over by cars once or twice too, surely after the first time you would take more care.

Yes but sometimes it is not easy to leap out of the way particularly when various bits are slightly faulty and you go round in small circles when moving too quickly. A result of folk attacking you with a car.

The punters are bored now so time to go.

OK yes thanks for your help. . . . . I think

And you are looking a bit off colour Rob.                

You know who and the dilemma of popularity

As many of you will know (I say many I mean almost no one), I have been making up Harry Potter Halloween Poetry as a bit of a jolly before I post my Harry Potter Halloween Spooky story at the end of the month.  We are old mates from way back from the days when Harry was knee high to a grasshopper, he has never let me play with his wand since (if anyone sniggers or thinks rude thoughts then I suggest you go and stand in the corner). But of course he was allowed to head off into Hogwarts to become a wizard and become the hero to a whole generation through books films and various other media and the like. Where as I vanished into a small dark corner in the huge voids of cyberspace living on cake and hot chocolate and waving pointy sticks at Zombies and Seagulls, you see I am not a wizard.

So I have written several poems now about my old mate on my blog and it has had a rather interesting and profound effect, one I was not expecting. Now people think I write all sorts of mad stuff in a random fashion, but all is not what is seems, you see I use guile and cunning in an attempt to help each post stand some chance of being found by folk searching Google. Lets face it if I am heading towards the one million words mark it would be nice if it was read by as many as possible, although the small hardy group here do keep me going, and when that nice Mr Spielberg makes the film they will all get a mention and sneaky parts in the film like what’s his name did. . .  Alfred Hitchcock. 

Anyway back to the point, since I started my Harry Potter based theme it appears that pageviews on my blog have plummeted like a large rook (sorry rock). Yes rooks do sometimes plummet but not as well as rocks.  SO why has this happened. Have I lost my touch, are my witty words now just boring, has my typing finally completely fallen apart, am I a grumpy bloke lost in the dark of cyberspace and nobody cares. . . . Well clearly NO. This means it must be a Potter based effect and he is much less popular that I anticipated in fact he is now less popular than my first theory about the rise of the World Social Economic Structures and their connection with the insect colonies of the world.

This means that Harry Potter must be very unpopular indeed. . . It’s a shock for me but when I phone him up later in his posh house dragging him away from his ice cool drink by his swimming pool he is going to be gutted. I can imagine he will be in contact with that Sue Townsend (sorry JK Rowling) sharpish suggesting a new book and film where he returns to Hogwarts in order to restore faith after the incident with the cat and the large jug (AH DAMN that’s a spoiler from my Halloween story). . . . . .

Anyway as I have said it is a terrible shock that poor all Harry Potter is so unpopular and I feel it would be bad of me to linger on this point . . . . the one about Harry Potter being less popular than World Economics so I will go and think about a poem on a far more popular subject such as maybe a cat and an owl in a pea green sailing vessel with a plentiful supply of money and honey. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

AH DAMN

Volume Five . . . The life of a Professional Blogger

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor

Volume Five

(The Untold Story of Unknown Things)

Here we are at the start of volume five of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (that’s me), written exclusively for me by the Ghost Writer who as I have pointed out previously is incredibly cheap. Mainly because he is completely ribbish (sorry rubbish . . . . point made me thinks).

Previously I have told you tales of life as I progressed through my academic years, but things are changing this year, the Headmaster has thrown me out of school for bad publicity and the fact I have not mentioned school in ages.  This means that I have entered the world of work, something I know that we all like to avoid if we can or so the Ghost Writer tells me. As a YOUNG chap, the world is my ouster (sorry oyster) a stupid saying particularly as one of my PC’s  definitions of Oyster is . . . . .  any shellfish similar to an edible oyster, e.g. a pearl oyster . . . . . . . Well that’s silly and a distraction.

So I have looked in some detail at work and have noticed several times on the radio and television, in both news and currant or is it current (silly Ghost Writer) affairs programmes that they sometimes get folk on to talk about this and that and they say they are Professional Bloggers. Well as I am already a fairly active blogger in fact I seem to more active than some of those so called Professional Bloggers so I suspect I will make loads of money.   

However this means that my blog will now have to specialize on something specific, so that when the very nice men at the BBC need a professional expert to tell them things of a professional nature about stuff they will say. . . . . Quick get that Rob Z Tobor bloke we need an expert we need a professional Blogger. . . . .  So I have decided to become an expert on all things unknown because if there is one thing no one has yet cornered the market in it is Unknown things. Luckily it can remain a diary because most of my future is unknown and so all those as yet unknown events will fit nicely into the plot. I only say plot just in case the very nice Steven Spielberg has made the films of volume one to four and is reading the script of volume five. Something that may or may not happen; it is in fact an unknown event. . .HAH HA HAH AHh ah ah ha hahah ah ha ha ha haahah hah ahh ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha which is exactly what this year's diary is all about.  

Ooooo I saw another one of those Vampire Moths today and got a picture of it that I think proves the point. If you are thinking . . . . these Vampire Moths are Unknown to me then you have not read volume four, but luckily volume five will deal with lots of unknown things such as Vampire Moths, Zombies, Space, Aliens and Mr Jones the Alien Hunter.

It all sounds dead exciting . . . . . .

Hang on while on the subject of unknown things. . . . . As a Professional Blogger, just where does all this money come from? 

A Perplexing Anomaly about Sport, Aliens and Popularity

I am not a person who has a huge amount of interest in sport, something that may (or may not) be clear from my coverage of the Football World Cup and if you delve back into the deaths (sorry Depths) of my diary, the Olympics.  This is a personal thing, I don't mind if folk get excited by sport, I even have known folk who like sport so much they will have it on the television even when they are not in the room watching it.   But there is an odd thing linked to my coverage of these sporting events in my own rather offbeat way (although every word is true-ish), yes it appears I get far more pageviews on my blog.

So what makes the masses choose my blog to get the latest news of these sporting competitions? Many would say they learn absolutely nothing from my blog; OK they did learn the entire world cup was manipulated by Dave the Elvis Impersonator and won by German Androids. . . . . And the World Cup is probably not the Holy Grail. 

My main worry now is that in order to continue to see growth in the blog I will be forced to comment on more sport, but I am not a great fan of sport so I am more than a little perplexed by this strange state of affairs. Will I be forced to rely on the Commonwealth Games to perpetuate the excitement of the masses? And reveal that certain sports have been taken over by Aliens stealing the bodies of the unsuspecting sports people. . . it is a strong possibility.

Anyway the Ghost Writer spent his day in the office pondering the virtues of computers and using his own set of unique tools to perform tasks that other IT folk think of as plain stupid or blatant vandalism.  And as myself and the Ghost Writer are physically and mentally bonded together in a way that can only be described as diabolically indescribable, much like those Commonwealth Athletes that have been taken over by Aliens.  What this means is, when the Ghost Writer is knackered (so to speak. . . sorry small children your parents will explain) so am I. . . .

Therefore that’s your lot I’m off. . . I hate computers. 

     

.

The Problems of Writing a Modern Diary

So here we are again another day in the life of the diary of Rob Z Tobor which has been ticking along now since 15^th August 2010 (the diary not me). I know it’s a long long long time and if you have been reading it for all that time you will probably say it seems much much longer, as you plough through page after page after page of stuff.

Of course diaries are not what they were back in the old days when Samuel Pepys could write about things such as Plague, pestilence, the burning down of London, royals being beheaded. Chaps discovering places such as America or the fabled North West Passage around the Isle of White or small islands full of unknown tribes to wipe-out and steal all their stuff such as the Isle of White.

These days we are left with Mr Jones running about naked attempting to communicate with Aliens in the Woods, Zombies being attacked by little old ladies for sitting on the wrong seat on the bus, Androids and Vampires playing football as they hunt for The Holy Grail. A goat getting catapulted into the local supermarket on a regular basis, a faulty Weather Machine and a grumpy Ghost Writer. Quite frankly it is no wonder the very nice Steven Spielberg has no interest in making the film of the book of the blog diary of Rob Z Tobor.

So I feel I need to find things more suitable to write about that will make Mr Spielberg sit up and take notice, something where he will say . . . . . Hang ON I haven’t done a film about that before. . . . .

So what did I do today . . . I cut grass . . . . DAMN that’s not a good start is it, although some of it was quite long grass?  

Mr Jones is a bit disappointed today as it turns out the Lizard Men of Titan are in fact Lizards and their spacecraft an old copper hot water tank, (still an easy mistake to make).

The Story behind the 2014 Brazil World Cup (An exclusive and shocking story of power).

The complex story behind the 2014 Brazil World Cup is finally starting to unravel, but it is a complex story and I need to return to the past for it to make sense. Back to the very origins of the creation of the first Androids by the unknown genius Augustus Von Androidus (which I have discussed previously), you see it appears that he was a member of the Knights Templar’s. He built the Androids to recover the legendary Holy Grail, the gold cup of Jesus and his mates, because by then the number of members of the Knights Templar had fallen to a handful.  Well they had a bit of a hard time historically people sort of set them on fire.

As the Androids continued their mission to find the grail, it became clear in more recent times that there was a certain gold cup that was worshiped by millions of people from all over the world, and they needed to find out if this was the gold cup they were searching for. Why would all these people worship this cup apparently awarded for winning a game called football, it made no sense to the Androids and so they have assumed that this is a crude cover story to protect the grail.

In 1966 the Androids even got hold of the cup briefly, but before they could examine it properly some pesky kid called Dan Brown and his dog Pickles (on his way to a fancy dress party dressed as Leonardo Da Vinci . . . that’s Dan not his dog) stumbled across them and the Androids had to vanish into the undergrowth of Beulah Hill. They managed to steal it again in 1983, but by then they were convinced that a switch had been done, and so the Androids are now pursuing the new cup. They are sure that this time they have the right cup.

However an evil genius who has been aware of the Androids long hunt for the Holy Grail has built his own androids to ensure that he will win the World Cup and obtain the Grail which he knows from watching that Indiana Jones Bloke and Monty Python will give him eternal youth and ultimate power.

This genius has even persuaded a certain player to bite people to convince the powers that be that the world cup is riddled with Vampires, but Mr Suarez is not a Vampire merely a Red Herring.

So what is the name of this Evil Genius who will get his clutches on the World Cup? Live for ever. Rule the world and make folk eat ice cream. . . . . . . He is called Rob Z Tobor.

Hang ON that’s ME

HAH AH Hah ah ah ha ha h hah ah ha hah ah ah ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ha h hahha hah ah ha hah ah ah ah ha h hah ha ah ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ha ah h ah hah hah ah ah ah ah hha h ha hah ha

HAH AH HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ahah ahha ha ha ha

AH DAMN I may have revealed my plan a bit early.

Name that Super Hero . . . . A lifetime opportunity

Have you ever thought cyberspace is boring, why don’t I ever get asked to name a Superhero that would be really COOL. Well yes this is your opportunity, a once in a lifetime chance to name that Super Hero.   Yes it is possible that your choice will not be chosen but who can tell, if you are the person to come up with a name for a Superhero that has not already been done to death by the various forms of media. From comics to books to films to anything else media sort of based the likes of which I can’t think of right this second because I just type and think stuff up as I'm typing.

Go on have a go Name that Super Hero, the masked man with a glove on his left hand and possible mechanical bits inside like that six dollar cat (hang on that’s not right?).

Suggest a superpower something new something astonishing and something that will entice the very nice Steven Spielberg to think . . . . . . . . . O God what on earth is that Rob Z Tobor up to now, will he not just give up and leave me alone . . . . . . . . . O NO I won't, I am persistent Mr S and once I have covered every possible plot option in the world I will sue when you make the next movie . . . HAH AH HA HAhah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha hah hah hah ha ah ha hah ah hhahah hah ah ah ah hahahha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ahaha haha hahahahahaha hahh ah  hah ah ah ha ah a ha

You have not thought of that have you Mr S . . .  

Anyway this is it this is your chance (thats everyone not just Steven Spielberg) to . . . 

 Name that Super Hero 

The creeping reality of Rob Z Tobor and other uneventful events of no consequence

In the last couple of days I have been busy, but not busy doing exciting things just busy doing the things that folk generally do to keep busy.  You know the sort of things.

Attacking a large beast that has eaten the local wild Aardvark, with a pointy stick deep in the dark of the woods.

Hidden a huge pile of rare Italian renaissance manuscripts in order to avoid major historical conflicts with the Pope, as they reveal an early religious war between the church and Aliens,  involving treacle toffee. AH hang on maybe I was not meant to say that…..

Talked the Lemmings of Petrograd out of an out and out attack on Mr Jones the Alien hunter, who has yet again disturbed them as he ran through their home naked pursued by the police and one of Freddie’s ferrets

Vanished off to watch at least half a million starlings as they settle into a nearby village and poo on everything.

Washed our car after it got covered in the poo of a huge number of starlings.

Chopped off one side of an apple tree in order to stop it falling over

Carried books

Played ancient African drum rhythms to the Micro Gods of nice weather

Fixed a fountain

Pointed at many things.

So there you have it (dead boring), it has hardly been the sort of days that are going to improve my chances of the very nice Steven Spielberg showing any interest in the film rights and as I am often told by his lawyer . . . .O NO its you again please go away. The little scally wags that they are (I know they don’t mean it).

Anyway in other news my design for the MK3 Mechanical Spy Bird has been approved by the Canadian Intelligence Agency (the other and slightly less well known CIA) and they are so keen they have asked if they could print the image and hang it in the main office where they sit and ponder things. They say it will help them concentrate and stop them slipping over the edge into the world of ludicrous mad ideas that are entirely crack pot; the fine line apparently between madness and genius.  

It is nice to know however, that the fine line between reality and cyberspace has got just a little greyer than it was as my work filters into the real world in far away places, and if Mr ESB prints any Rob based clothing in the heart of Texas (sorry that’s the heights of Texas) then before you know it I will be standing next to you in a queue complaining about the weather and smiling clutching a rather well made pointy stick.

Ooooo finally I am creating a slightly rushed A to Z of Zombie based drawings of erratic quality and was wondering (assuming I get them finished in time if anyone else would like to use them, It is useful to have a picture for each letter and I am not going to sue folk for copywriter infringement, as they are all rubbish. 

The Curse of Twitter, the A to Z and World War three

Well doesn’t time fly, it is St Davids Day today in Wales although as I am one mile over the border now I don’t see him as much. Although I will be in Wales later doing things. . . . I am writing a bit of this diary early, so it is possible things I say I am going to do will already be done and dusted by the time anyone reads this in three weeks time.

Last night I did a foolish thing indeed, something I have not done before and I suspect will not do again, I attempted to join in with a Twitter group chat all about the forthcoming blogging A to Z event. Well what can I say except it entirely scrambled my brain and made me look a mad gibbering idiot who knows nothing? OK some will I suspect nod knowingly and agree. The reason for this is simple my diary is a flurry of jumbled words that hopefully some of the time make sense, I like words even though I cant spell, type, use punctuation correctly and possibly put them together in an odd order. But Twitter is not a friend of words and punctuation it is all about short concise little bits of text that are short and to the point, and I hate that. What would Shakespeare have thought if he was limited to 140 characters (not as in folk like Hamlet or Richard the Third but as in a space or a letter or a squiggly thing). You see for my diary or any other cyber location of myself Rob Z Tobor, to have the true essence of me I need far more words.  All I can say to those who witnessed my Who? What? Why? . . . . . . .Seagulls? What again? Help? attempts at keeping up with the flurry of tweets is, I just cant think that fast . . . . . . it was hell.

I notice in the real world folk are starting to shout at one another over a place called the Crimea (part of the Ukraine), I just hope they are not doing it using Twitter or it will all go horribly wrong. Now I don’t know about you lot but only a few weeks ago if someone had shown me a map of the world and told me to point at the Crimea I would have been at a loss as to know where it was. I might have pondered North Africa or the like but I suspect I would have put in entirely in the wrong place and got it entirely the wrong shape. 

Anyway as we all know Russia have sort of moved in to save it from the nasty westernised Ukrainians who are, as the Russians have put it, are all terrible right wing fascist extremists. Well; we are like that in the West, as is plainly clear from my decadent bourgeois diary here in cyberspace. Their decision to do this appears to have surprised the governments of the west who even as I type are protesting. This slightly surprises me after all Crimea is the main strategic harbour of the entire Russian fleet and well to think they would be happy to have it run by folk they used to think of as the enemy (us) is rather silly. It is a bit like American handing Pearl Harbour over to Japan and saying you can look after it as long as you don’t mind the odd ship popping in and out. . . . . . . .  Anyway what is the worst that can happen . . . . . .World War Three . . . . . . .AH DAMN.

Maybe we should just let Russia have the Crimea back even most folk living there would be happy with that, and the rest of Ukraine can join us and complain about the Euro and weather.

The Scottish Referendum Debate and the reason why people should vote YES to Scottish independence

It is rather interesting that in the great debate on Scottish independence, to date no one as asked me my opinion on the Scottish referendum debate. Some of you will be thinking why should Rob Z Tobor get involved in the first place, what can some mad bloke living on the English Welsh border add to the debate that has not been discussed so far.

Well you see as my loyal, slightly quirky, but rather intelligent regular followers will know I often look at things in a slightly different way to the masses and so can help persuade a few people to consider how they finally vote when we get to crunch time on the 18^th September. There are all sorts of issues involved in this, and at present a certain amount of mud slinging and scare tactics being used by both sides. This is not the way forward, although I may add some to my argument in order to liven it up a bit, after all David Cameron and Alex Salmond are not the most inspiring folk to watch or listen too,  although maybe Mr Salmond has the edge slightly on banter.

So where do I stand and why, well I am a pro independence person because my family have come from the wilds of Scotland since before Bruce Lee, sorry Robert the Bruce was knee high to a spider. In fact the old ancestral blood goes back to a time when we were wild men in the hills fighting everyone including each other and shouting Are you looking at me sonny dishing out Glasgow kisses before Glasgow was Glasgow, and we all spoke in a strange dialect no one understood.  AH YES I see your point it may still be a bit like that on a Saturday night after a few wee chasers and deep fried haggis, chips and curry sauce. I always remember someone telling me that after a really good night out, he assumed it was good as he did not remember it, he woke up in the door way of R S McColl in Aberdeen in the morning with enough chip suppers to feed about twenty people, although by then they were cold and had sort of congealed into a single lump.  Still it made a hell of a breakfast, sort of the hair of the dog so to speak (I know more silly sayings).

OK back to the point you are keen to hear exactly why folk in Scotland should vote for independence, it is the financial or economic or commercial or political arguments that have made me think AH YES this is what Scotland should do . . . . . . . . Well NO who can really predict what would happen; the truth is no one with any certainty.

You see if Scotland says NO then the status quo will remain as it is now, nothing will change, we will still grumble about the weather, politicians being corrupt, the cost of a cup of tea and next doors Armadillo making holes in the lawn at night. To vote No is the easy safe choice the one to go for if you wish to see everything just carry on as it has for ages, the one that will let the powers that be just smile and be smug. However if Scotland says lets go for it Lets vote Yes, it will be a whole new adventure not just for Scotland but the entire UK, the UK even gets a new flag (WELL COOL). Imagine it . . . . all change for loads of things, flag makers will love it for one and then there will be all sorts of other stuff no one has thought of yet, it will be dead exciting all round, both in England and Scotland and it will be a monumental historical moment in British History something to remember and tell your neighbours cat about in years to come.

This is a one off opportunity something that will never happen again, a NO vote will seal Scotland’s fate forever as the hilly bit on the top of England where folk talk funny. A YES you see; I suspect in the future, if it sort of went wrong, would see the rest of UK saying . . . . . Why not come and join us again we will even let you keep your kilts and bagpipes and talk in a funny way about felling a bit peely-wally and even allow you to sing Flower of Scotland.

So vote YES or  . . . . . .  Ye aff yer heid . . . . ya Bampot Eeejits

I rest my case . . . . . . . .for now. 

The complete guide to themes in the April A to Z blogging Challenge (Sort of)

In my last and very comprehensive guide to the April A to Z Challenge I sort of mentioned themes, and said that of course the main theme was the Alphabet itself which I am sure is true. Well it is how I have always seen it really. But of course there is always much talk of themes within the overall progression through the alphabet and whether to use them or not and what is a good theme in the first place.

Well much of this will depend on the nature of your blog, mine is a bit mad so my theme for the A to Z is also a little mad, it is what the punters would expect (that’s readers not folk in boats in Cambridge). But everyone has a different blog and different reasons to blog, if you are an Author then it is maybe a chance to entice a few new readers with little glimpses of your treasured publications. And artists may use it to show their work with pride and joy hoping folk will go Gosh I must buy that right now . . .  But you could use anything you like for a theme, rocks, fish, people, rabbits, chickens, inventions, history, geography, fairy tales (I did that last year it was great fun),  seagulls, more chickens, cars, guitars,  sea monsters, motor bikes, places, mechanical wonders of Victorian Europe, Mountains and mountaineers, space, aliens and even more huge monster chickens with pointy teeth.  So in reality almost as many things as your mind will allow you to conjure up, the world as they say is your oyster. 

Of course there is one small pitfall in this grand idea that can really throw some folk a lot, you see they can become too entrenched by the detail of their theme and after a great start working out their letters, they suddenly get to X or Z and think O MY GOD why did I decide on the theme of Popes. The thing is don’t panic the A to Z is like a shop window full of sweeties to entice folk into your blog so make a Pope up; plus some interesting facts about how the Grand Duke Ferdinand gave Pope Zilliphilius the Forth the last Unicorn in 1538 as a gift. Only the Pope thought is was food and they all had a great feast and all was well until it was discovered that Unicorns are rather poisonous and everyone sort of died and the whole affair was sweep under the carpet, so to speak by the Vatican. The saying sweep it under the carpet is also very silly, have you ever tried to sweep a roast Unicorn under a carpet it is not easy, even harder than a cat, and that leaves a fair sized lump in the carpet. . . . . . .  Hang on I got side tracked.

Ok well that is about it on themes but make sure you choose one you like and know it will get you from A to Z without too much difficulty and remember don’t get too detailed, your theme is a promotion effort, leave the bigger picture until after April when you can discuss the detailed rise of Pope Zilliphilius the Forth in 1533 leading to him meeting the Grand Duke Ferdinand, and their treaty of the following year in Rome, so that the dukes son could invade Holland without upsetting the church.  Yes your eyes are stating to glaze over, so I think you get the point……… No one needs the small print on the A to Z; short sweet easy reading is best….

And one last tip if you get bored or disheartened by your Theme half way through, either just go random and post about anything you fancy or try another theme for the rest of the alphabet or make up dodgy facts about nonexistent Popes , it is entirely up to you, you are your own boss in this matter. 

Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci and the Albatross drawing

A long long time ago there was a rather clever chap called Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci, and when I say clever he was seriously clever with the added bonus of various other skills too; who drew a helicopter. Now when I say a helicopter it was quite frankly a rubbish helicopter but the fact was he sort of knew that somehow and someday folk would finally crack the idea of flight and be able to make a machine that actually achieved what he had in his mind. At the time folk just nodded and smiled and agreed, but thought the idea was crackpot, but he had friends in high places and did some great drawing and painting so no one said it was a mad idea. Anyway besides all this he was a bit of a one for undoing bodies on the quiet, and no one is going to argue with someone who dismantles the bodies of ordinary folk going about their daily business.

 

Anyway I thought if I was to draw a flying machine in the style of Mr Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci then maybe in about five hundred years time folk will say, that Rob Z Tobor was not as mad as everyone thought he was (although he was rubbish at typing and spelling). OK I know what you are thinking . . . . . Yes the flying machine has sort of been invented and well and truly used for all sorts of stuff, very true but no one has made a mechanical flying Albatross yet that can circumnavigate the world and arrive back home as fresh as a daisy (to use yet another silly saying). OK Yes I can now hear you asking why, well for one thing it is the ultimate spy machine, who would suspect an Albatross sat on the window sill of a high powered meeting, sort of listening and recording everything while it nibbles a bit of fish. And like the laser which when invented had no practical use but has thousands now, the manmade Albatross will become as common a sight in the homes of the masses as the real Albatross is today . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

OK so the point is I have drawn the mechanical Albatross to ensure that at some point in the future folk will look at it and say . . . . . . Well he was NOT mad. . . . .  

  

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The Traditional Rob Z Tobor End of the Year Post . . . .(well it is Now)

I know this is what I wrote last year but it is now going to be the new, New Years Eve traditional post until I forget that I have one, which may be next year or next week......

So here we are on the last day of 2014 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never mmmmm to mmmmm?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,

For auld lang syne.

which sort of shows that folk don't really know the words

Then everyone will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands sort of dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,

IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

BUTTER IN HIS EAR MY DEAR,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

We’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET

SOME BUTTER IN HIS EAR

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be stormy,  not sunny like this year (was it sunny I better check)

If you do need to sing and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne rather than a foxy based one which would be a bit of a give away…..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!

And surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

All the best for 2014.

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