Friday, 17 June 2011

A deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows

The little town we live in is a sort of tourist town, I say sort of because it is not the full on kiss me quick hat and candy floss sort of town (candy floss YUM).  But the tourists have taken to arriving in little packs or herds or what ever the plural is for a group of tourists. This week the town is a ghost town, not to be confused with the ghost writer.
But then after school I had to go to the out of town supermarket with mum and dad and Rusty the Robot Dog who they can’t ban because he’s a robot. And because he has six legs if they say he is a dog dad points out it has six legs and dogs don’t have six legs so he is an insect and they haven’t banned insects.

The supermarket was crowded, and as usual once the general public are given a supermarket trolley they because possessed by the devil (admittedly much to the pleasure of Nelson Beelzebub who has often told me it’s his best invention to date). I think it didn’t help the fact it is Friday afternoon and the masses feel they must stock up on food just in case the end of the world arrives.  We met the ghost writer he too was getting very stressed by it all and so both the ghost writer and dad ran up and down the aisles shouting it’s the end of the world, mum said IDIOTS but it did have the effect of emptying the supermarket somewhat. It’s strange because something like that seems to happen most time we go there.

Anyway although the supermarket is like a sardine tin with all the people, the town is very quiet and all the shops say it’s a very odd year for customers. I have never quite worked out why it is a good idea to have all the shops out of town in the first place surely it makes more sense to have shops in a town; like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. But apparently the general public don’t like quirky individual shops and they like all the shops to be the same so a deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows must look identical in every shop in Europe. As it happens they do as it is only served in Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball CafĂ© with chips and sausage pie as a side dish.

One day dad says the multinational branded bland, every shop looking the same will crumble like the Roman empire (I think they were a cinema chain in the fifties) and the individual will once again rule. Dad was standing on a freezer cabinet in the supermarket when he made that speech and although Rusty the Dog, the ghost writer, and two little old ladies cheered we were thrown out and we went home and mum said IDIOT.

Paul Nessman               Is the world ending again? I didn't know about the last one until the day it was supposed to have occurred. Good thing too, because if I live one day like it is my last then I might do something that I regret.

Fiona Knight                If it is soon to be the end then perhaps we should try becoming part of a gawk of tourists.

Well a gawk of tourists is rather good Miss Fionaski famous Russian spy, fixer of complex electronics and keeper of the Lynx (the animal not the mans Antiperspirant spray) although I have heard they might smell the same. And Captain Nessman I am sure even on the last day of the world you would do nothing too mad because you must look after your cats. Maybe some extra treats as the diet is less important at the end of the world.

Paul Nessman                You mean I should wait to give extra treats?...oops. Miss Fiona, congratulations on your apparent promotion...or is that top secret?

It is top secret about Miss Fionaski but as the Russians and Ukrainians are quite keen on reading the blog and the FBI and MI6 read my facebook page so it is best not to tell them. I forget sometimes and mum throws the armadillo toaster at me. And cats do have the ability to extract treats out of humans, not sure how they do that.....

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