Not part of the 2022 A to Z . . . Goldilocks and the Three Bears . . . . . . Sort Of

 Way back when . . . . In a time when I had more time; I used to write stuff like this in my daily diary. It has been a while since I last read it . . . . Gosh time does fly.

We had a supply teacher in English today, the regular Teacher had vanished. Anyway she said she was called Miss Loxley Green because when she was young she was a hoodie. Esmeralda thought she was well cool, she had never had a hoodie as a teacher before. She said we had to write a fairy story about vampires and werewolves. We did all this last year with fairy tales, so I said we've done that; but Miss Green stared at me, so I wrote the following.

Once upon a time there were three bears (see its things in threes again) who went for a walk because their porridge was too hot to eat. Anyway while they were out a Miss Goldilocks turned up and thought porridge YUM so ate the baby bears porridge, but thought I am still hungry, so ate both mummy bear’s and daddy bears porridge. She then went upstairs and jumped up and down on baby bears bed which broke, and mummy bears and finally daddy bears, which was well cool like being on a huge trampoline.

Because she was laughing hysterically she did not hear the three bears arrive home who said look its Miss Goldilocks. But at that very moment the big bad werewolf leapt out of the wardrobe and ate Miss Goldilocks.  The bears were very displeased and shouted at the big bad werewolf who said that Miss Goldilocks was in fact a vampire clone and there was loads of cloned vampire Goldilocks’ all over the place and he was there to save the bears from being turning into The Living Dead by eating them (the Miss Goldilocks’). Blaming all the bad press he gets on three pigs (yes there were three of them) who tried to build houses on the greenbelt by getting round the planning laws using straw. Big bad werewolf put in a formal complaint to the council and then the pigs tried to ruin his reputation. Anyway the point is the three bears said the big bad werewolf was big and bad and told him to go.

The following morning mummy bear overheated the porridge again daddy bear moaned, but mummy bear said IF HE SPENT LESS TIME IN THE LOO READING ALL THE GRIMM STORIES IN THE PAPERS THEN THE PORRIDGE WOULD NOT NEED TO BE MICROWAVED TO HEAT IT UP AGAIN. Baby bear said they should go to the woods because he had heard from his friend that bears do things in the woods, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so they did.

When they got home they found three cloned Miss Goldilocks laughing hysterically and leaping up and down on their beds. Big bad Werewolf was right they were cloned vampires So they shouted HELP US BIG BAD WEREWOLF, but a voice from outside the window said OOOOO YES YOU WANT ME TO HELP NOW AFTER PHONING ALL YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND SAYING I WAS BIG AND BAD I DON’T THINK I WILL NOW. So the vampire Miss Goldilocks bit all the bears who turned into The Living Dead, after which the big bad werewolf ate the Miss Goldilocks’, after all he has a job to do. And the three bears wandered in the woods forever doing what bears do in the woods forever ……… THE END

I had just finished reading my story to the class when Miss Loxley Green leapt at me and tried to bite my neck, but Esmeralda was a bit upset as she wanted to be a vampire and stabbed at her with the new poker I had made in metalwork Miss Green laughed hysterically and said only a silver bullet could destroy her. As it happens when Esmeralda stabbed her with the poker Miss Green turned to dust, apparently I used the wrong bar of metal to make the poker and had accidentally used the metalwork teacher’s stash of silver bullion. He had it hidden away to supplement his pension.

One final footnote to the story it would appear the real English teacher is roaming the woods as one of The Living Dead.