The Newtonian Aardvark and other stories.

The Greatest A to Z  

Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

A
Poetry is easy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or so some say

So through the ALPHABET . . . . . .I will play

Starting right here . . . here with the letter A

AND a rather silly nonsense poem, to end the day.

So to the distant sound of a mad dogs bark.

I’ll start AT the start with thee AARDVARK.

AH

DAMN.

B

The BEE and the BEAR met a BEAVER

Who looked rather aggressive with a large meat cleaver?

He shouted be gone, BACK off, and leave me BE

I’m BUSY chopping down, this BIG tree.

So the BEE he BUZZED and the BEAR he growled

And a BANSHEE somewhere BEHIND them howled

And that then made the mad dog BARK

Then what turned up BUT another Aardvark

AH

DAMN (again)

C

Here we are by the C

All blue and wavy and a little wet maybe

With CATERPILLARS CUTE and CUDL-EEE. . . (No its not CHEATING)

And we all run about on the COUNT of three.

As CRABS and CATFISH play in the bay

Or so the gnarled old Seadogs do say

But Seadogs are mad and tend to bark

Arousing the monstrous Sea Aardvark

O NO

AAAAauuuuuuuuuuugggghhhHHHHH

D

DID the DODO DIE out or was it a DECEPTION

To avoid meeting Great DANES at a posh reception

Because all they do is shout and bark

So is the DODO now DISGUISED as a smallish Aardvark

And does your DOG get up with the lark

And chase sticks about in the park

And is it mad and tend to Bark

Annoying the park keepers trusty old and loyal Aardvark

E

When an ELEPHANT meets an ELECTRIC EEL

There is bound to be a noisy squeal

As one beast gets squashed by the others heel

And  . . . . . . . (slight pause and wait)

Creates a huge ten thousand volt Arc

Which is the sort of voltage that will make a dog bark

Or light up they EYES of an adult Aardvark.

Out in the deserts of his favourite park.

F

They say it’s the FAULT of the barking dog

That made the FROGS FLEE into the FOG

And made the FISHERMEN turn to grog

While FLYING FISH FLUTTER over a FLOATING log

And Yet

The constant sound of mad dogs Barks

Results in the thundering hoofs of stampeding Aardvarks 

G

Always look closely at an F or G

Just in case it should be the image of thee

With a sacrifice of GOAT and toasted GHEE

While witch doctors dance round . . . . . .  the sacred tree.

Shaking GOURDS  . . . . . . . and GRANNIES old Knee

And it’s good to know if GHOULS creep about in the dark(zzzzzzzz)

Your faithful dog always loudly barks

Alerting a flock of man eating Aardvarks

Who will eat the GHOULS just for larks

H

HENRY is having a long chat with HORRIS

Because HAROLD has chopped off the HEAD of Boris

And all because he was naughty with Doris

Although Doris’s dog has a terrible bark

Which HAROLD would wind up just for a lark

Then strangely one night while out in the dark

An ironic twist occurred near the pond in the park

When HAROLD HAD HIS HEAD chewed off by a large aardvark 

. . . . . . . . . . called HENRY 

I

There once was an INVISIBLE IMAGINARY IMP

Who rode through the ocean on an INTERESTING INDIGO shrimp

.

.

.

IMPOSSIBLE

I think.  . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . .

Said an Aardvark

IN a sink

J

JACK and JILL when to JAIL
For stealing JEWELS from the Royal Mail.
Which made their little dog start to bark

But it was chased away by the JAILER’S Aardvark.

K

The King was Kalled because his Kat was Killed

Katching kippers with a jug it filled.

Full of toast and cheese and well known Chinese remarks.
And the ancient claws of ceremonial Aardvarks

L

Never LAUGH at a LAZY LLAMA

It will only end in LEGAL drama

With LAWYERS making LOADS of cash.

As they sue you for being incredibly rash.

And never LET your dog bark in court

If you want to ensure the Aardvark is sought

As it scurries through the corridors of the power

To make its nest in the ivory tower

M

No one likes a large MONSTROUS MOLE.

A really huge one that will dig a large and rather MONSTROUS HOLE.

Destroying your lawns equilibrium and it MAJESTIC dynamic Flow.

Before it chases your dog and aardvarks,

Through the white winter Snow.

N

Never nibble the toes of a newt

Or try to glue one inside your bosses boot

Because Newts you see have a Nasty streak

And will suck out your brains making your future bleak.

Yes newts are clever

Newts have been known to bark

And it is a little known fact that they invented

The Newtonian Aardvark