Wednesday, 16 April 2014

The Newtonian Aardvark and other stories.

The Greatest A to Z  
Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

Poetry is easy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or so some say
So through the ALPHABET . . . . . .I will play
Starting right here . . . here with the letter A
AND a rather silly nonsense poem, to end the day.

So to the distant sound of a mad dogs bark.
I’ll start AT the start with thee AARDVARK.


The BEE and the BEAR met a BEAVER
Who looked rather aggressive with a large meat cleaver?
He shouted be gone, BACK off, and leave me BE
I’m BUSY chopping down, this BIG tree.

So the BEE he BUZZED and the BEAR he growled
And a BANSHEE somewhere BEHIND them howled
And that then made the mad dog BARK
Then what turned up BUT another Aardvark

DAMN (again)

Here we are by the C
All blue and wavy and a little wet maybe
And we all run about on the COUNT of three.
As CRABS and CATFISH play in the bay
Or so the gnarled old Seadogs do say
But Seadogs are mad and tend to bark
Arousing the monstrous Sea Aardvark



DID the DODO DIE out or was it a DECEPTION
To avoid meeting Great DANES at a posh reception
Because all they do is shout and bark
So is the DODO now DISGUISED as a smallish Aardvark

And does your DOG get up with the lark
And chase sticks about in the park
And is it mad and tend to Bark
Annoying the park keepers trusty old and loyal Aardvark

There is bound to be a noisy squeal
As one beast gets squashed by the others heel
And  . . . . . . . (slight pause and wait)
Creates a huge ten thousand volt Arc
Which is the sort of voltage that will make a dog bark
Or light up they EYES of an adult Aardvark.

Out in the deserts of his favourite park.

They say it’s the FAULT of the barking dog
That made the FROGS FLEE into the FOG
And made the FISHERMEN turn to grog
And Yet
The constant sound of mad dogs Barks

Results in the thundering hoofs of stampeding Aardvarks 

Always look closely at an F or G
Just in case it should be the image of thee
With a sacrifice of GOAT and toasted GHEE
While witch doctors dance round . . . . . .  the sacred tree.
Shaking GOURDS  . . . . . . . and GRANNIES old Knee

And it’s good to know if GHOULS creep about in the dark(zzzzzzzz)
Your faithful dog always loudly barks
Alerting a flock of man eating Aardvarks
Who will eat the GHOULS just for larks

HENRY is having a long chat with HORRIS
Because HAROLD has chopped off the HEAD of Boris
And all because he was naughty with Doris
Although Doris’s dog has a terrible bark
Which HAROLD would wind up just for a lark
Then strangely one night while out in the dark
An ironic twist occurred near the pond in the park

When HAROLD HAD HIS HEAD chewed off by a large aardvark 

. . . . . . . . . . called HENRY 

Who rode through the ocean on an INTERESTING INDIGO shrimp
think.  . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . .
Said an Aardvark

IN a sink


JACK and JILL when to JAIL
For stealing JEWELS from the Royal Mail.
Which made their little dog start to bark
But it was chased away by the JAILER’S Aardvark.

The King was Kalled because his Kat was Killed
Katching kippers with a jug it filled.
Full of toast and cheese and well known Chinese remarks.
And the ancient claws of ceremonial Aardvarks

It will only end in LEGAL drama
With LAWYERS making LOADS of cash.
As they sue you for being incredibly rash.
And never LET your dog bark in court
If you want to ensure the Aardvark is sought
As it scurries through the corridors of the power
To make its nest in the ivory tower

No one likes a large MONSTROUS MOLE.

A really huge one that will dig a large and rather MONSTROUS HOLE.

Destroying your lawns equilibrium and it MAJESTIC dynamic Flow.

Before it chases your dog and aardvarks,

Through the white winter Snow.

Never nibble the toes of a newt
Or try to glue one inside your bosses boot
Because Newts you see have a Nasty streak
And will suck out your brains making your future bleak.

Yes newts are clever
Newts have been known to bark
And it is a little known fact that they invented

The Newtonian Aardvark


  1. A really interesting post. Thank you so much, nice to follow and connect through atozchallenge.

    1. Always pleased to see a new face although I must warn you my blog is not normally this normal. But I feel I cant confuse folk on the A to Z so I keep this sensible . . . sort of

  2. I am being currently confused ... Was this s'pposed to be an O post? It has an N picture and no O pOetry. Perhaps I am just too lack of sleepishness. Too many hours at the factory.

    1. I asked Google this question, "do aardvarks live near towns named newton" and got poor results. About the best it could teLL me was a mention of Cape Town South Africa, so maybe when Cape Town was just a new town there were plenty of aardvarks there, so there may be an iinverse relationship between the age of a city and its aardvark area redistribution density volumetric analysis reportable knowledge or AARDVARK.

    2. It is good that you noticed the major error in the title I was busy last night and sorted the post out for the wrong letter. On realizing my error I corrected most of it but missed a bit. . . . . . DAMN

      On the bright side I have returned from a hard day in the office (sorry Cyber-school) and now everyone will know what tomorrows O will be about

    3. It is nice that tomorrow is reaLLy O-y with 3 of them. Plus it has the 2 r's and the m & w who are secretly best friends in a 5 way equivalency pact with c, n, u and sometimes h & r & v & y.

      I am hoping for a tomorrow with less wing, same temperature, slightly more moisture, and one less screw. My son discovered a flat tire on his vehicle yesterday that I later figured out was impaled by a metallic hex headed screw on the top side. Luckily it leaked slow enough that I was able to inflate it with my 12 volt air compressor and he could then drive to the tire repair store. So yesterday was a bit of a rest day with a small amount of mop time and teasing time as they made fun of my hair at the diner at breakfast after I mopped. They said it looked like I got in a fight with my pillow and lost. I am stiLL having problems with printer so I think it wiLL need to go back to the repair shop but at least I finaLLy have everything in order to get Epson The Company to finaLLy do their warranty work proper. Oh, and the yesterday ended with a buffalo steak, so yes, it was a good day, and a better than average steak, maybe even into the 90 percentile range.

  3. A Newtonian Aardvark!?! Does that mean this aardvark knows its way around physics? That's dangerous. Never teach an aardvark physics.

    1. I'm confused by this as well. As far as I know, aardvarks aren't subject to the same laws of gravity as other creatures, so I guess a Newtonian Aardvark must be really grounded.

    2. They are subject to the same laws of gravy, though.

    3. Newtonian Aardvarks were plagued by apples falling on their heads. but never got the credit they deserved when then told there mate Isaac about why they thought this happened.

    4. I thought some about the laws of aardvark gravy. I figure that there is an opposite number of people who probably like aa gravy vs those who don't and to the same degree. Also, once the love of gravy has reached a certain e-motion all level, it wiLL stay at that e-motion aLL level unless acted upon by a different flavor of gravy, say, chicken. There is also an inverse relationship in distance as to whether you can smell the aa gravy, with a proportionality constant ratioed to different olfactory conditions between individuals while holding the tray of gravy right

  4. I had no idea Newts could be so mean. I'll steer clear next time I see one!

    1. I rather like newts we have loads here, but they are not the most talkative of creatures, so I give them a hard time in cyberspace.

  5. Hey Mr. R.,

    You are my favourite grumpy old dude! Forgive me for not getting here as often as I would like. You know how it is. My shy, humble blog gets way too much attention. We need to balance this and get more of those other crazy alphabet folks your way.

    Anyway, Mr. R., I learn something Newt every time I visit your blog.


    Penny's fictional human,

    Gary :)

  6. Newts caused the zombie apocalypse?! Damn newt. Phew I caught up finally, I've been lagging for days. But I'm glad to see you didn't leave me behind in the dust.