Glastonbury and Rolling Stones, Zombies and Top Gear

I have been outside today strengthening a weak spot in the Zombie defence system as a smallish one managed to climb through a small hole and attack me; luckily I have recently done my Zombie defence classes at school so was able to fend the beast off. I say beast it looked a little like one of those Rolling Stones chaps who are playing music in a big field down South in a place called Glastonbury. Only if it was one of them, then they are smaller than they appear on the television and much older but not as scary. . . .  I managed to patch up the hole with hazel branches and some other bits and pieces but I can hear the faint sound of music from the dark distance past drifting over the fields which I can only assume is an old Zombie war dance of some sort calling the massed armies of the ancient Zombie hoards together. Luckily there is talk of a few showers tomorrow and Zombies hate mud they keep falling over.

While on the subject of terrible ancient things from the past I have just returned from watching Top Gear the rather popular motoring entertainment show, I know what you are thinking and I am very sorry, but we all have our little weak spots in culture and mine is Top Gear. I am always amused by the fact folk get so upset by them saying silly things and acting like small children but that is what makes it so popular. And as dad points out if we all drove like mad men we would go through a set of tyres every week which is silly and expensive.  And everyone thinks they can drive the Reasonably Priced Car faster than all the celeb’s who get to drive it, it is the human ego; but I for one know I could drive it slower than anyone else if I was allowed too because that is the sort of chap I am . . . . 

Silent Zen Retreats and Dinner, Micro Gods, the Z to A and other things

It has been one of those days were much has happened, but in a sort of not doing much way, so it sort of looks like not much has happened, I think we all have days like that and just at present I am having quite a few of them.

First thing this morning dad went off to get two new tyres on his car, but he had made the mistake of making his car tidy a while back and in so going had left a big tool box full of stuff in the garage which included the lock nut bolts for the wheels which can't be removed without them . . . . .AH so after about forty five minutes dad arrived home to collect the lock nuts and me, and we went off to get two new tyres, they are much better tyres because the car is much quieter now. It is surprising how much noise some car tyres can make, particularly square ones made of stone.

XYTHIM the Micro God of Words

On our return Miss I and Mr S were at our house they had arrived for lunch and we then waited for Miss Kate, Mr S’s mum who was also coming to lunch. When we sat down for lunch Miss Kate told us she was off to a Zen retreat after lunch up in the wild hills of the Welsh countryside, apparently it is a silent retreat with no power and old fashioned soil composting toilets and healthy food and you have to get up at five o’clock in the morning and because there is no electricity once its dark its dark. I am a little worried about this because if you don’t know where things are and it is a silent retreat you can’t ask folk how to find things, and if someone came and woke me up at five in the morning I would shout at them a lot. I would probably also fall about at night in the dark saying “where the hell is the light switch” only to be told off silently.

So by the end of lunch Miss Kate was starting to worry a bit as we explained all the pit falls of a strange Zen retreat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mad Zen monks with glazed looks and large axes who laugh in a slightly manic way but silently, and what happens if you do want more dinner you can't ask anyone.

Remember yesterday when I wrote Z is for the Zumtonians (sorry but not the Zubtonians, we don’t talk about them, well not in the silent retreat anyway)  as the start of my Z to A jolly and I said I had no plans to do Y today well its true so I have done X instead and I have drawn XYTHIM the Micro God of Words, the thing is the X is silent so it sounds like it should start with Y only it does not.  It seemed very appropriate to draw the Micro God of Words because I can say loads of them because I am not in a Zen Silent Retreat . . . . . HAH HAHAHHHAH HAH HAHAH HAHHA HAH HAH ah h hh ha hah ah ah hah aha hah ah ha ah ha hh ah hah ah ah ha ahhaha ha hah haha ha hahah HA HA HA.

OK I need to go it is getting dark (Oooooo luckily I have a light switch) HAHAhHAh hahah haahhah hahah hahhha………………. 

Rob Z Tobor's A to Z return (otherwise known as the Z to A) . . . . . Z stands for Zumtonians

Back in April I did that A to Z thing that many folk who blog do, and I did it in my normal jolly way then at the end of doing it and returning to the daily routine of writing daily in my daily diary I did say that I would do a informal no stress return from Z to A. All at my own pace and as and when I was in the mood.  So today I have decided that thanks to Mr Jones the Alien watcher combined with a remarkably quiet day (again); today will be the first day of the return journey . . . . Z, this does not mean tomorrow is Y because this is a slow chilled decline to A based entirely on my head…..

First I must say I did have a cracking meal last night it was brill……… So well done all at Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café. The best food in the world……….

OK The Rob Z Tobor one man accessional informal Z to A.

As we all know Mr Jones is a avid Alien Watcher stalking the woods at night in the nude come rain or shine; Ah OK it does not shine much in the woods at night, but you get the point. Anyway this morning he was very excited as he has found a gold disk in the woods with a picture of an alien on it and messages. It is all in an alien language (well it would be) but dad has cobbled together a Steam Powered Thermal extracting translation machine  so we are now able to piece together what the aliens are saying. Apparently speed is now of the essence as Mr Jones and the man on the News at Radio Four on the BBC are saying that there appear to be a large number of spacecraft landing in Britain mainly in the Home Counties (that’s were all the yuppies live by the way if you are not from Britain)

So this is the message on the gold disk

ZZaf Zafafho Zjafhojh….Zxx Z Zumtonians

ZSkh zprpu  zpiup zuiuiur zJJAo zzzafsiafisa zHH zOHEihe  zh zzzhjkdhojahah zahdjhdadhz zjh EAT zakjakfjlf zlkafjajf zljafkafl zgotoi zpfkajkjkjj zkj Pork Piez zsffjslkjflkfsdfk zk zzzzzlksfjlseisdi zjlsfk zjslkj zkjslfjslk zjlskjflkjfewiu zjksjlk zjk zlskfjlks zkjfskjfi zp ziph zpuspufu zj zkj z  zkkj zkj jellied Brains z zklsflkjslkjl zlkjkllksfiofuiu Roast legs YUM zapfsjfkj Zumtonian zkjkljlksjflflksjl zkjlkjiuiuiu z zkjslkflskfjlk zjlkjfljsl zipwp9ew9zrwiuzskjflkj  zksjflk zjkjslkj zk Starters zfjfkjfslkj zru zkjfslf kjlskj zlkjflskj zpsfjk zlksjlksfjlk zlkjsuiur zlksjfl kjlkjsflkj zlkjflkjsflkjiutiuil zksflkfsjl zkslfsksirsd zlk zlzksflhsiosdirfh zljkshfljhfs zosursdosh zjhhj zsjh zjhfjh  zakjhj zhdka zk Monkeys zlskjl zkJI zEIAOI zOAEl  zljdhjhdjh zljdhj zhjhdjhuu zuhahauhfuhuh zhafuhfauh Zumtonia zouhaouhfuhfo zozo zo oz zozo ozo ozo zo zo zo zo ozo ozoo ozo ozo zo ozozozo

ZHSJ zHOJHJH  zjhkjhafkjhajhfkjh ziufhuhf zhkjfhkjhfkj zhakjfhkjfahj zh Pointy Teeth zdajfkjalkj zjafllk zjaflkjafljfalkjlkj zk Sweet Chilli Sauce  zpajd zjafjajfiajijaf zjaofijaojfoj zojafojfaoo zajfojoafjjo    ZO OZOZO OZOo zoOZO OZOZOOZO ZO OZO zo oz oo zozozo zo zo oz ozo zo zo oz oozoz ozo zo oz ozozozo ozo ZAH  ZDAMN  Zasdhasdlha  Zaskdjalkd Z aldhaldhd. ZOZ OZOZO ozo zo zo ozo zo o z

ZZZZ Za . . . . .  Z Z Ztop

And after hours of hard work here is what they say after all they will be knocking on folks doors shortly or even as I type……

Dear people of Earth or as we like to call you, Dinner….. We are the Zumtonians.

Hello People of planet earth I guess you are a little surprised by our visit to you planet after all it has been a very long time since we were last here, back then several million years ago your ancestors were all covered in hair and quite frankly ruined what should have been excellent fresh Pork pies, but I must say the jellied Brains were lovely. We must have made an impact back then because you talk of Zombies eating Brains to this day, but get it right we are Zumtonians. Even the Roast leg was a little ruined because the Pork scratching was too hairy.  Anyway we are back and it’s a long journey and so as they say in the Movies . . . . . TAKE ME TO MY STARTER  (SORRY I MEAN YOUR LEADER), its any easy error I’m dead hungry I have hardly had a bite since leaving Zumtonia, I could eat a Norse HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH HAH HA Hahh ah hahha hah ah hah ah hah ahh aha h ah hhah aha ha Ha HA

Don’t let the pointy teeth put you off we are very nice really and have brought you gifts, like these large jars a Chilli Sauce which we though you would love to roll about in as a sort of marinade Oooo…. no sorry I mean a skin tonic product HAH HAHAHHAH Hahh ah ha hah hahhahahah hahhah ha ha ha. Right I think I’ll go and eat some commuters in a pie AH DAMN no I mean I will go and meet some commuters as they pass by, I love a nice Whine with my dinner HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HAHHAH HAHAHH HAHH HAhha hah ah hah ah hah ah aha h ah ahahh aha ha hah ah ha hahh Ha ha ha ha.

Your’s Mr Z Z Ztop    

Well best not answer the door for a bit then I guess. . . . . . . PHEW 

This is called a BLOG-FEAST HAH HAHHAh hahah ah hahhaha ha hah ahha hah ahahhah aa 

The Shape of the Universe and Tea Bags

My diary of late has got rather quiet its existence in the parallel media's of cyberspace both showing signs that the great masses have left leaving only a few die hards and my good friends at GCHQ who know that it is better to monitor a friendly face rather than that of an annoyed face, or worse still an angry face. Would you while waiting in the rain at the bus stop in a queue for the bus that is late rather watch the smiling man or the angry man who might see you looking at him, I think the choice is plain always watch the happy man it is safer.

And so tonight after a quiet day and I mean quiet (although we are off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal) I have decided to discuss the shape of the universe. As you know only a couple of days ago I mentioned the origin of life and as a result Mr H from the cyber-world asked me if I knew the shape of the universe. Now I know it is not something that most folk know but funnily enough I do, so I thought I could let you all know too. I have sort of mentioned this to Mr H already in reply to his comment because he knew it had to do with tea bags but was getting a bit confused and I forgot to mention the exact shape of the tea bag to him (very sorry Mr H) so I will now clarify it to everyone. I am going for my second Nobel Prize in less that a week.

So consider a round teabag (a bit like a squashed flying Saucer) and that you could fold  the edge back into the middle to a point known as The Absolute point of Universe, the point where the so called big bang occurred. And you then flattened out the teabag into a teabag shape again you would fundamentally have a teabag with no edges, which is important because the universe can not have edges just a force to hold its shape together (the material of the teabag itself). The tea  in the teabag is then split equally between the two sides of the teabag either side of The Absolute Point of Universe a point so small not even an electron can get through it, this tea is the substance of the universe itself planets, stars and the like, and one side represents matter the other Antimatter. The fabric of the teabag where it is squashed together can therefore sometimes get small holes worn in it due to the forces generated and these are called Black Holes where the matter falls into the antimatter.

Of course the sort of flying saucer shape is created by the spin of the universe where material is thrown out along the line of centrifugal effect; however the one thing that can ruin a good universe is a huge kettle of hot water which destroys many of the forces that hold it together. And this can be made much worse by God squeezing the teabag against the side of his mug turning everything we know and understand into a soggy shapeless mass.

I hope next time you are asked what is the Shape of the Universe you will all say ………..AH FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT BECAUSE. . . . . . . .

Rotation biased management in the working environment and the life story of a chicken

I have spent the day doing practical things such as drilling holes with a drill screwing screws in with a screw driver and sawing stuff to the right size, when I say the right size I really mean it is righter than it was before I attacked it with a saw but it is not exactly accurate. You see accurate is an abstract concept, as different things need a different degree of accuracy and I in general try to stick with things where I can go OOOOOOooooo that’s about right, after a wave of a finger and making a few Guesstimates with a pencil. Do you know that in nearly half a millions words of writing my diary that is the first time I have used the word Guesstimate (OK twice now).

While doing all this stuff with Esmeralda and Freddie and his ferret and various other pupils from our posh (well the facade at the front is posh) Academy (school to us normal chaps),   I noticed that most folk are right handed and a small percentage such as myself left handed, but I also noticed something else a result of using power tools with long cables, there is another factor it appears we are also either clockwise biased or anticlockwise biased. If two clockwise biased people use the same power tool the power cable will get all twisted up which is dead annoying but if an anticlockwise person works with a clockwise person the cable will not get twisted because there is no overall rotation of the tool or the cable. So the perfect working relationship for doing DIY would be left and a right handed people, who are also clockwise and anticlockwise biased. I think this discovery is highly important to the workplace; and my observation of rotation biased management in the working environment should win me a Nobel Prize for sure, well it better or someone will not be happy.

One small thing has come to mind over the 500,000 words or so I have so far written in my diary, I am not including comments and my responses to comments that would be just scary, is I have used loads of different words.  You see yet another one used tonight (Guesstimate) and I have used loads over time, much more than that William Shakespeare chap who surprisingly used fewer than most people suspect,  and he made a few up. I believe it is said he used 31 and a half words in total and wrote a total of just under 900,000  in total, so I have used loads more words than he did and done it all in just one diary…..   

If anyone is wondering why the picture is of the chicken tonight he has also written his whole life story in 31 and a half words……. When asked how he felt about his publication he said . . . . . . . He was just a self of his former shell . . . . . . HAH HAHAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hah ah hahah hahah ah hahah ha hah ahhaha hah ha hah ah ahhah hahah ha hah ah hah ha hah ahahah a  

Large guns and small leaves

The day started quietly enough with the Ghost Writer skulking about helping me screw screws into wooden posts as part of the great master plan (that’s the Moroccan Patio Master Plan or MP squared as it is known in GCHQ). We were using the powers of geometry and string to ensure everything was aligned, square and parallel much like the ancient Egyptians did or the Inca’s. It is amazing what you can do with string, in fact it is far more practical than say an ipad or the like, and come the end of the world it would make far greater sense to grab a large ball of string than some fancy phone.

OK there we were and all was fairly peaceful until there was a huge noise like a cannon going off which sent all the geese, chickens and dogs behind us off into a state of panic for ten minutes, it was a very load noise. I have since discovered though that the old chap just up the road a couple of doors away in the village who is over ninety, a bit frail, and has rubbish eye site had taken a shot at a rabbit. He had told our neighbour, who thought he was planning to shot it with an air gun, but it turned out to be something similar to an anti tank mortar weapon which he has had for many many years and he last used against an Alien spacecraft back in the 1950’s. It appears that even though his eye sight is not what is was thirty years ago, he did get the rabbit, well I think the rabbit quite frankly stood no chance or for that matter anything within a hundred yards of the rabbit. Still you know what life in the country is like.

Then after that as me and the Ghost Writer we having a cup of tea and recovering our wits watching bits of fur drift by on the wind the Ghost Writer got a call to say the power had been restored to the grey office so he had to run off to power up the old faithful server. He said later that there was another very very old chap on the road who was driving at 10MPH until you tried to overtake him then he would speed up making him impossible to pass and what he (the Ghost Writer) really needed was a an anti tank mortar weapon. 

I then had to go and do my bit with small over enthusiastic children in the local junior school teaching then Art where I just about got them to make a tree full of leaves to cover the tree on the Animal-Scope, but they are rather a lively bunch and far too enthusiastic with  all their ARE WE THERE YET .. . . . . . . plus the odd muttering of I’M BORED MAKING LEAVES, I did explain that posh leaves take time not two seconds but apparently to the small young mind two seconds is loads of time; what I needed was an anti tank mortar weapon to focus their minds.  Then Mrs Judith the Headmaster ran off smiling which seemed a bit unfair leaving me with a whole gang of pesky kids and a pile of paper leaves that they thought they would run through. Folk cant resist piles of leaves even paper ones.

OOooooooo one last thing I took a slightly better picture of the moon last night. . . .An Almost Super Moon. 

The Origin of Life, a Mug of Tea a very Dark Office and a Super Moon

Late last night as it was getting dark I thought I really should have a go at seeing this Super Moon the one that is huge so huge that a cow would not be able to jump over it in one go. Well those cows next to us would not, they are just strange cows. But as is the way of things there were also super clouds so seeing the moon seemed almost impossible, however dad said he would pull a few levers and twist a few knows and see if he couldn’t create a  gap in the clouds. He did but it was directly above the house which was very impressive to look at but it was not exactly where the moon was, so after some more tweaking to create an angled isothermal atmospheric anomaly we finally got to see the Super Moon and I took what turned out to be a really super rubbish picture of it, but at least it shows I did see it.

 We have had the Ghost Writer pottering about here today instead of being in his grey office, he says when he arrived at the building (his office is in up on the second floor) it was not so much a grey office as a black office due to the absence of light. It appears that over the weekend a pipe had become detached from a tap up on the second floor and the water, keen to use the powers of gravity to its advantage to reach the ground had managed to find a convenient shaft to run down. Unfortunately the convenient shaft for the water was the main route for all the power cables for most of the building, water and electric do have a habit of not working together all that well. Or they do work well together, but not always as us humans would like. They are both fundamental key elements of the universe without which it could be argued life itself would not exist, there is a theory that God, one of the big Gods not a Micro God was experimenting with stuff when a huge bolt of lightning hit the large copper sphere on his laboratory roof which then accidently took the easy route to Earth through his mug of tea (99.7% water), creating small wiggly things which he looked at and went YUCK and threw into the sink from there they (the wiggly things) then ended up in the sea. Plumbing back then was rubbish, well a few Gods and a big universe don’t really need good plumbing, I guess the ironic thing is that if the plumbing was good now the Ghost Writer would not have got today off, but had the plumbing been good back in the days of the Gods there would be no Ghost Writer (or anyone else).

It’s a funny old world.

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Snowden, GCHQ, NSA or Mt Snowdon and the Four Eyed Devil Beast meets IKEA

Although I have been busy I do not appear to have anything tangible to hold up and say AH YES look I created this huge thing today with pointy teeth and undulating legs that can scurry about in small spaces, which is well cool for a huge thing. Only it is not a cool thing because it does not exist. So far today I have not be able to return to the Animal-Scope (mark one) to do stuff, I have added mark one because I plan to build the more complex mark two Animal-Scope very soon.

As it happens it is also Sunday today and coldish and wet and traditionally in Britain that means either sitting about doing not a lot pointing at seagulls and wood pigeons in the trees and saying things like OOOOOO LOOK A PIGEON, or spending the day in IKEA, but that is far to far away to go to from here just because it is wet. In the old days of course folk would head off to church but it is not as popular a pass time as it used to be and the local church regularly has a congregation of two, the vicar and the organist. It appears that someone said that the rumours of the strange Four Eyed Devil Beast were in fact just rumours and it was not going to eat everyone who spent their days frolicking in IKEA. You can see the advantage of Micro Gods they are far more comprehensive; having just the one God means that once people think the Four Eyed Devil Beast is not going to get them they lose interest in singing in a large cold building to save themselves.

  

Talking of Four Eyed Devil Beasts and being saved I notice that Mr Snowden man who let slip that we are all being listened too by NSA in the USA, and GCHQ in the UK (hello Charles and Quinton) has had to sneak off to Russia now after King Kong (sorry Hong Kong, his sister) got all confused by a large pile of paper sent by the American Government. Well if you sent a large pile of paper to China then the word Origami comes to mind and so you really need to make it clear or the whole international legal process becomes a Plague of Frogs, several Biplanes, a swan eating a leopard and the Chinese speciality with reams of legal documents, a Giant Panda hiding in a Bamboo Thicket on a Mountain (an origami favourite). Ironically it was only after making the Giant Panda hiding in a Bamboo Thicket on a Mountain, that an official noticed the word Snowden on the mountain and realized their error because of course the rather famous Welsh mountain is spelt Snowdon, But by then Mr Snowden was in a plane (not a Biplane) and heading to Russia where President Putin is lets face it not going to help the government of the USA much after he was made to feel rather uncomfortable at the G8 summit, so I think we can safely say that Mr S will be off again soon in his bid to outrun the  Four Eyed Devil Beast.

Oooooooo yes one small thing it is OK to use the internet on Sunday because they don’t work in NSA or GCHQ on Sunday’s, they tend to be in IKEA, except Charles and Quinton who are getting paid double time and like reading my Sunday diary entries (well done chaps). 

Animal-Scopes and other things of no importance

The weather was not so good today much colder and showers all day, but I was planning on doing some work inside by starting to make an Animal-Scope. The idea is that the children I am presently doing some art with in the local junior school can use the Animal-Scope to display their animals on it that they cut out last week, well that’s the plan anyway. I have discovered that in respect to art and small children plans are not a good idea but none the less I have one I am working to for now. So I have created the basic structure of an all cardboard Animal Scope, although moving parts in cardboard when you are trying to avoid spending too much time on the thing is tricky.

I have plans in the future to make some more Animal-Scopes because I think there is some mileage in the idea and it would be good to make a couple of them when I have more time (I need more time, time is annoying).  Anyway I have a few fiddly bits to sort before Tuesday so I will have to do a bit of time management which is one thing I am rubbish at as it happens.

I noticed on the radio this morning (faithful Radio 4) that they were discussing the WorldWorm Charming Championships that were happening today in the UK, not something I have heard of before and I have seen a few signs by the side of the road locally for the British Stone Skimming Championships which are happening just up the road a couple of miles away next weekend. It is strange what folk get up too when they are not making Animal-Scopes.

Ooooooo yes Miss I and Mr S called by as they had gone to see the Castle of the Bishop, and Miss Anne sent a message last night to say she had headed off to London on her canal boat last month and will be back sometime next month. Canal boats are like that not speedy beasts.

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Fly (Wasp) tipping and the Urban Environment on the longest day (NOT) of the year

What a hot day it was today very hot and sticky, but not sticky as in glue as used to fix tongue and grove cladding to walls, luckily we are still doing combined lessons at school and so today it was Art and Social Studies. I say Art, we were in fact repainting the walls of the outside of the school as part of the cunning economy drive while we discussed the Urban Environment and the implications of fly tipping. To me and Freddie the first and obvious implication of fly tipping is it would annoy the flies loads, but the teacher said that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS and that flies like fly tipping.

Myself and Freddie were far from convinced and had plans to do practical fly tipping experiments but flies proved to be rather agile, luckily while painting the grand façade we stumbled across a wasps nest so conducted an experiment on wasp tipping. And as me and Freddie anticipated proving our point quiet strongly the wasps were very annoyed indeed. But having proved our point the teacher said yet again that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS, however the teacher then ran off pursued by a large number of angry wasps but no flies.

Today is also the longest day of the year, well that is not entirely correct it is the day with the longest period of daylight during the day, well only in the Northern hemisphere. As for which day of the year really is the longest day that is complicated, because is the world slowing down or speeding up. I think it is slowing down so the longest day of the year will always be last day of the year due to the deceleration of the planet. A point I was planning to make to the Social Studies teacher but she was rather pre occupied at the time trying to outrun a swarm of wasps who by now were blaming the teacher for their nest being eaten by the school goat who having spent most of his life being annoyed by flies was fairly oblivious of the wasps.

Oooo yes although today was very hot I also tried an experiment at home to create rainbows as it was a good way to keep cool and I thought if I made small rainbows I might be able to find a small pot of gold at one end of it. Something which appears to be yet another urban myth.

One other small thing that rather amused me this morning on the radio was that Russia think (a few Russians that is) that folk deliberately don’t vote for them in the Eurovision Song Contest and it is why (OK one of the reasons) President Putin looked upset during the recent G8 summit, Sorry but try being Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest, yes I know the songs are also rubbish BUT…..     

The Oxbow lake, the Cows and the Zombies.

It was raining first thing this morning but it did not last long, weather machines can sometimes actually work even if 99 percent of the time it is not entirely as expected. It was an interesting day and I have learnt several things, the first of which is that as a chap I can not multi-task as well as I would like, doing Geography while fitting tongue and groove cladding to the walls in what the headmaster calls his brilliantly cunning economy drive by combining practical subjects and academic subjects as well as meeting maintenance targets is harder than it at first may appear. You see the bonding material for the clapping is very sticky and gets everywhere including sealing my books closed for ever, but luckily we were doing the old faithful subject in Geography of Oxbow lakes…….. What is it with Geography and the Oxbow lake apparently they have been the topic of lessons from the days of Stone Age man and the very first schools ever set up in the open next to an Oxbow lakes.

I then discovered when I realized my tin of glue to bond the cladding to the wall had fallen over and leaked onto my craft knives needed to created cardboard things, that the glue dissolves the handles of the craft knives. Not a worry in itself but I have this glue all over my hands and it does not come off that easily, I really do not fancy waking up tomorrow morning to find I can not turn off the alarm clock because my hands have vanished in the night.

I have also discovered that cows and Zombies are in cahoots together and are I suspect even as I type battling their way through the Zombie defence system. The Zombies who are unable to cross the Zombie defence ditch have got the cows eating their way through the large hedge to the side of this defence ditch and we are starting to see the odd head peering through it with all the clinical indifference of a cow who is obviously working with the Zombies to ensure their efforts at world domination will succeed. I don’t know what the cows get out of it but I bet it involves grass, you know what cows are like, after all that saying . . . . ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ started with cows and Zombies telling them stuff to lead them astray.

On top of all that the pigeons have also started hanging about at night in the trees and I cant help but think there is something going on; at least I can always cover the branches of the tree the pigeons are looking at us from in the glue for the cladding, that will soon stop their little game, maybe I can glue the cows to the ground too or maybe it will dissolve the cows and turn them into a Quatermass experiment. . . . . . WELL COOL . . . . . AH mum has said IDIOT, 

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Tunnock Tea Cakes, a Unicycle, the Weather and the contradictions of BBC Radio 4

The day had its contradictions and it is entirely the man at the BBC’s fault on that Today programme on Radio 4 that is on in the morning, you see I was listening to the radio having a nice cup of tea and trying to get my head into a state on normality. It takes time for me to get to a state of normal in the morning, I am not one of these folk who wake up all chirpy and bouncy and get up singing and smiling, in fact I would say I have still not reached that point by the evening when I go to bed, I blame it on a day that needs to be longer. Right . . . . . . . . . back to this contradiction; as the voices from the radio penetrated my head I suddenly heard talk of the weather and that some scientists are saying that we can expect to have wet summers for at least the next ten years or maybe longer. Well that sort of woke me up, are they really serious, ten years of wet British summers, apparently it is something to do with a warming North Atlantic and the jet stream or the like and there was talk of some localized anomaly in Shropshire that so far has defied normal scientific principles.  Some scientist said for all the world he would swear someone had a weather machine but they all laughed at such a foolish idea.

The contradiction arises from the fact today was hot very very hot and dry probably the hottest day we have had in the nearly two years we have lived at this location. It is very off putting, I have been brought up to believe the BBC and the men/women of Radio Four (formally the home service) they are like the rock of world affairs the steady voice of reason and an unbiased voice among the thousands of other radio stations pumping out propaganda or rubbish or both. Anyway after listening to that I got up  . . . . . . . . DAMN I have written this much and all I have done is listen to the radio and got up…….. How did that happen? I think I need to fast forward to the end of the day

So there you go after the arms fell off the aliens body Esmeralda escaped and Mr Jones was super gluing the alien back together as evidence. Freddie and his ferrets were able to return the roller skates to their rightful owner and the council will be filling the large hole in sometime in the morning, luckily we all got out and did a runner before they turned up to assess the damage. As for the Goat he is limping slightly but it is his own fault, he was told that drinking petrol is fraught with dangers and just because a man on a unicycle can do it does not mean a goat has too, although I was impressed by the goats ability to ride the unicycle, its just a shame he did not work out how to stop it.

Oooo yes I got to eat five hundred  Tunnocks Tea Cakes in one go  . . . . . . . .WELL COOL although I feel a little sick . . . . . . . .. Mum says IDIOT

   

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The rather unforgiving properties of structural integrity and gravitatianal stability in Art

Tuesday the day of teaching young children art, well I use the word teach loosely because if there is one thing I can’t do it is teach young children.  I arrived at the local junior schools after school club slightly early while they were still getting food and drink to keep them lively and bouncy. Luckily I had managed to turn a crocodile, a dragonfly and a dog which the children drew last week into large cardboard self standing cardboard things, although I did have to tweak just a few tiny things to deal with the rather unforgiving properties of structural integrity and stability. Yes even art can not entirely escape the forces of gravity and nature sadly, which as an artist I have to admit is rather annoying. However very young children are not entirely aware of the overall principles of structural integrity and generally see gravity as a mere trifle to wave away as unimportant, until they fall over and drop their trifle. 

They also eat artistic ideas like a huge man eating sea monster eats men on Brighton beach on a sunny bank holiday Monday when it is knee deep in holiday makers and sea monster watchers and ice cream is half price during happy hour. Of course happy hour under those circumstances is less happy that it could be as everyone (and that’s loads of folk) are being eaten by a sea monster or monsters.  I would say that teaching art to small children is much like being eaten by sea monsters, I am starting to think I may have to make some sea monsters in order to keep them focused on art, although I did do one sneaky thing with today’s lot I mentioned maths. This I thought would slow them up a bit but for reasons I find difficult to comprehend it appears they are all rather keen on a bit of maths and it did not slow the whiz of pencils and the snipping of scissors as I tried to explain that most legs are a bit fatter at the top of the leg where it joins the body and thin at the other end and at least one lad did realize this after all the legs fell off his spider drawing when he cut it out. In the end a bit of Algebra confused them and square roots seemed to confuse a couple of them a bit, but they are only about seven; interestingly algebra and square roots seem to confuse folk who are seventy also, but I guess 7 is not the best number for square roots.

I would mention the rest of the day but I need to rest. . . . . . 

President Obama, Prime Minister Cameron, President Putin, The G8 summit (2013), Bovril, Kendal Mint Cake and Grizzly Bears.

Yesterday I happened to suggest that it was no coincidence that President Putin of Russia had turned up only days after my original President Putin picture had been shown in my diary in cyberspace. And many of you have said things like Run for the hills or Hide in the Patagonian Embassy for a few weeks till it is safe or Rob Who? never heard of him, he is no friend of ours. Now I know he has to pop over to Ireland to join fellow world leaders for the G8 summit to discuss important issues, which as it happens the leaders all have different views about. So some sort of botched statement will be put together to make it all sound like it was a useful meeting and worth every penny of the X million pounds it cost.

I think it all goes wrong because they call it a summit when it is plainly held in a posh hotel on the flat with no mountains anywhere near. Lets face it food is always much better on the flat rather than the top of a mountain where it tends to be bully beef, Kendal Mint Cake, and hot Bovril, not the food of world leaders, OK President Putin is the only one who might be up for it, climbing fearless up into the unknown chewing his bully beef and laughing in the face of Grizzly Bears.

OK yes where was I (again), President Putin and my picture, now what I would like to know and it is important; exactly where has he got to today because he seems to have vanished. There is talk in the local village of a huge bullet proof car sitting in a lay-by with a group of suspicious men in wearing dark designer sunglasses and drinking Vodka and feeding Caviar to the ducks in the duck pond.

I did notice in the news while I scanned for news for you know who that President Obama of the USA and Prime Minister Cameron of Britain have announced a multi-billion pound trade deal to sell each other loads of stuff. So America will make loads of stuff and sell it to us and we will make loads of stuff and sell it to them and everyone will be happy. Sorry call me stupid but most countries I thought were in debt and all the folk in the countries feeling the cold mountain winds and the smell of Bovril mixed with the far away singing of a Russian fighting Grizzly bears. . . . . . .  Who has all this money to buy all this stuff that we don’t need. Ooooooooo sorry I have gat all political again that’s not good for a witty block buster movie about an eccentric and sadly I now have no time to tell you what I did today as I need to go and make a cardboard Dragonfly, (part of a trade deal worth absolutely nothing).

President Putin, Prime Minister Cameron, and the Fathers Day shock. A G8 summit of World Leaders, Steven Spielberg, children and cardboard animals.

As you know, well you do if you are a regular reader of my diary, and I am assuming that includes most folk across the entire world. You may consider that a little unlikely but an event has occurred that has made me think I am in fact more well known that I thought. You see, (and back to the point I was going to make) the other day I posted a picture of my original painting of President Putin in my diary, then today he turns up in Britain and it can only be that he wants it back so it can hang back above his desk in the Kremlin. So you see I am followed by world leaders, in fact I have reason to believe that several of the worlds leaders plan to meet in the next couple of days to discuss my diary to negotiate parts in the movie once that nice Steven Spielberg stops haggling over the fee for the manuscript.

Mum however says I am an Idiot and I need to remember two things the first is that President Putin is here to see the Prime Minister David Cameron and the second it that it is Fathers Day . . . . . Surely David Cameron cant be his father they don’t look remotely like they are related, just look at their hair styles. Well I have to say that is something of a shock to me I am surprised it has not be mentioned to me before, but it explains a few things I have never been able to work out.

As it was Fathers Day I said I would cut the grass and hammer in post supports and do men’s work so that dad could rest, he said I was very kind, but that he was planning on sending me out to do it all anyway so it didn’t count and that he would eat all my chocolate teacakes instead. I was a bit tired after all that grass cutting and was planning on having a quiet sit down, but dad very kindly reminded me that I still had things to do on those cardboard animal shapes for all those impetuous school children I am assisting in their art project.  Strangely there is more in common between the children in the junior school running about drawing pictures in a mad rushed way and a G8 summit meeting that you might realize, they are certainly both slightly out of control that’s for sure although I suspect world leaders are rubbish at making cardboard animals even if I helped them.    

Rockets, Zombies and Blow Pipes

There I was minding my own business pottering about (again), I know I have done a lot of pottering about of late but it is summer, OK it was summer it sort of vanished about the same time as dad dropped his favourite knife that he uses for loads of jobs into the atomiser expansion tank on the weather machine. He is not happy he saw this old knife (a old bread knife) as a trusty friend he has had for years and it is now deep in a tank out of reach and it appears to have ruined the weather too.

Right to get back to the point I was pottering sorting out a large crocodile for those pesky kids back at the school, I use the word pesky because it makes me sound like the baddy in that cartoon with the dog, sorry as I was saying I was sorting out a crocodile when all of a sudden I was stabbed in the back (no not dads knife) but a poisonous dart from what I perceived was most likely a blow pipe used by one of the woods Zombies frustrated by their inability to cross the now famous Zombie Defence Trench. It is the first time I have been hit by a poisonous dart from a Zombie blow pipe and after getting it out and no it was not just a splinter of wood as suggested by mum who has no experience of Zombie poisonous darts or blow pies (sorry pipes) I went on the attack by making silly faces at them, Zombies hate that. It plainly worked because The Zombies vanished as if they had never been there in the first place and I was then free to continue my day.

The Ghost Writer went off to sort a computer out that had sort of fallen onto a floor accidently while its user played some game that involve killing loads of things including Zombies I think, apparently he got a little too keen and killed his computer instead. However it was a fix the Ghost Writer could not do as the computer had been thrown into a skip, and by now is probably on its way to China or India to be stripped for parts and turned into a fruit bowl.

I on the other hand did some gorilla gardening and got two large posts to make a structure in the back patio, part of the great master plan to create a Moroccan Patio Garden in the backwaters of rural Shropshire, assuming the weather machine can do something about the weather, well lets face it dad will want his favourite knife back as its his DIY knife that does many many things like one of those Swiss Army Knifes only his has just the one long blade not twenty three and a thing to remove stones from the hoof of a horse.

If you are wondering about the picture of the rocket Mr Jones is saying “If the mountain won't come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain”.  Oooooo that made Charles and Quentin’s (back in GCHQ) ears perk up a bit, sorry chaps its just an old saying. . . . .   

Particle Physics and Poetry

I don’t mind a day of Particle Physics at school it is an easy way to pass the time as we scratch are heads and point at particles of various types, although Freddie reckons that ferrets can see antimatter, which is why they are such good hunters. Anyway there we were pottering about doing stuff with the atomic accelerator and a few particles that Esmeralda had found under a floorboard she had managed to remove in the interests of scientific research when the teacher decided to have a little change of subject to test our abilities in diverse rational functioning, something apparently we might have to do in the future at some point. So we had to write well known poetry from memory. Luckily we were working in groups so me, Freddie and Esmeralda worked together and I did a bit of a rush drawing for a poem that Esmeralda knew, well she said she knew but I think her and Freddie got a bit confused.

The Owlicat and the caterpillar went to sea

In a beautiful pea green boat

But the Owlicat squashed his mate

With the foot of a runcible goat.

And off in the distance far away

Where the Owlicat will get to soon

A little dog laughed because he saw

A cow jump over the Moon.

The End

The teacher said it was the worst poem he had ever read and was the work of IDIOTS but luckily our particle Physics might get us a Nobel Prize, Well it would have if Esmeralda had not set fire to our experiment in revenge for the teacher insulting her poetry. And Unfortunately Freddie says the ferrets are unlikely to help us again to recreate our particle experiment as they did not get any recognition for their part of the particle experiment involving antimatter.

Ooooo yes Miss I gave the Ghost Writer a present full of sea monsters today, he is very pleased but is unsure about what to feed the sea monsters, I will have to Google that or ask the chaps at GCHQ who are monitoring my diary………. (Any ideas Charles and Quentin).

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the Micro God of Impetuousness

While I had a few spare moments this morning waiting for the school bus I drew Fligh-toff-anci the Micro God of Impetuousness, just because the idea sort of came into my head.  As we were going to school I showed Fligh-toff-anci the Micro God of Impetuousness to the bus driver who was very interested indeed. Then as we started heading towards the school having picked up a gang of little old ladies who had decided on the spur of the moment to do a runner from their home (nicked named The Prison on the grounds that the food was rubbish;  they were planning to hunt down a Lions Cafe and eat scones and cream tea), the bus driver decided he would go to Shrewsbury. He just sort of thought why not its a showery but warm day so sod it; we dropped the gang of little old Ladies in the centre of town and they went on their cheery way heading towards a MacDonald’s to get their scones, cream and strawberry jam and a nice pot of tea and they had no intention of being palmed off with polystyrene cups and vending tea like back in the home (Prison). I don’t know how they got on because the rest of us went to B & Q the large DIY store as the bus drive said he fancies making a patio, it was also rather lucky as I need glue to make stuff and try and do a bit of work on the cardboard animals of the children of Whirl and Whizz (that rather makes it sound a bit like Wizard School like that Harry Potter went to, only it is not and that Harry Potter is rubbish at Art.

I showed Fligh-toff-anci the Micro God of Impetuousness  to the DIY store manager who said to the bus driver “go on then help yourself we have ripped enough folk off today” so we loaded the bus up with things and took the pretty route home. OOooooooo yes have you ever tried using one of those self service checkouts that talks to you and then gets all confused and keeps demanding you get an assistant, they are rubbish, I can see why the manager let us have our bits as we left he was attacking one with a chainsaw (WELL COOL).

At home I spent some time moving blocks in an attempt to make the great pyramid but I only had ten blocks and dad said it was rubbish. I have not drawn the Micro God of Rubbish I am sure there must be one, I will keep an eye out for him, I don’t mean I will keep my eye on the mantelpiece or the like, I mean I will keep watching for him. When I do finally find the Micro God of Rubbish I will be able to ask him/her where they have Bin . . . . . . . . .HAH HAH HHAH HAH AH HAH HAHAHH AH HAH HAH ah hah ah hah ah ah hah ahhah ah ahhah ah ah hah ah hah ah hah ahah hah ah hah ah ah hah ah ha hah ah ha ha hahahha hahahhah ah ha ha ha ha . . . . . . . . .BIN . . . BEEN.

  

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Artists, Micro Gods and Zombies

After the whirl and whizz of young children creating art faster than a speeding bullet yesterday, or is it a speeding express train, I am not sure but I think it is one of them that Spiderman can go faster than. Quite frankly in artist’s terms either is somewhat stressful when you have the teaching ability of a small unknown furry creature that has never taught anyone anything before.  So I have created a new Micro God to help us artists on the fringe of artistry, us working bodger Artists who battle on regardless of the insurmountable obstacles that folk throw at us like blunt pencils or cheap rubbish ball point pens that sulk or even the slightly more serious problem, a total lack of talent. However I have never let such things get in the way so far, they are thrown aside with a Ha HA HA and a nonchalant wave of the hand like a small thing of no consequence.  However Duluximus the Micro God of Artists (and yours for a small fee of £3.75 plus p&p, no refunds allowed . . . batteries not included) is just the thing to sort all this out and I am expecting a new slower art to take hold any time now.

I am sure I was planning to tell you all something before I got totally distracted but it may be too late so I will tell you that interestingly earlier today I dug forty small holes in the ground looking for a leak. Later on though it turned out I had been tricked because after digging the forty  holes I was given forty leeks and told to hide them in the forty holes, presumably to stop them getting eaten by Zombies . . . . . . Do Zombies eat vegetables?