Thursday, 4 December 2014

Part One of Hogwarts v Jurassic World.

Due to a very very small increase in cyberspace elsewhere of Harry Potter based followers. I feel I need to write another short alternative tale of Hogwarts for these rather specialized punters. As they say in the docks of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay from Bombay to Santa Fé, o'er the hills and far away . . .  A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. . . If you are not a fan of Harry Potter, it's OK because the link is a little tenuous. 

All the young wizards at Hogwarts were getting rather excited as it was the day of the Christmas Coach trip to somewhere exciting. Well that is not always as easy at it might first appear because these are wizards and they tend to have a slightly more interesting life than most. What with all that flying about on broomsticks and hunting dragons and the like in the magic forest and the various other activities they get up to with frogs, snakes and owls. 

As they all climbed aboard the coaches the young wizards all muttered and complained and said why can’t we just fly there on magic carpets like last year it was much more fun. But the headmaster Harry Potter explained that Jurassic World was in fact a muggle attraction and they had to behave and abide by the rules of engagement when mingling with the muggle masses.  And anyway Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompires  Jurassic World might be a muggle attraction but Professor Frankenzompire was well and truly old school wizard (very old school) and would be rather annoyed if anyone started waving their wands about in public; to which several young wizards sniggered.

After what seemed like no time at all (I suspect there may have been a bit of magic going on) the convoy of old coaches arrived in the huge coach park of the Jurassic World complex where the young wizards immediately headed off to buy Pterodactyl Burgers and Chipiasaur Fries all covered in Cretaceous Sauce (YUM) . . .

As Harry and his daughter,  Lily Luna wandered round the various sights, Harry insisting that dinosaurs are not good pets and are rubbish at doing tricks, even simple ones like balancing chickens on their heads, they noticed a large flock of flamingos.  As they did so a voice behind them said

O god it Must be that Girl again I recognise all those flamingos, it must be Alice and Higgs and probably that stupid White Rabbit I bet. . . . .  The voice of course was that of Hermione.

But before Harry could respond another voice could be heard that drew Harry’s attention to something else.

Headmaster sir sir sir sir sir its Harrison Ford-Cortina sir sir sir he has sort of had a bit of an accident sir.
As Harry looks off into the distance he can see a huge crowd rushing towards him and behind that is Harrison Ford-Cortina only he is not his normal self, he is looking a little more like a Tyrannosaurus Rex than he did when he got on the coach this morning.

AH DAMN says Harry
WOW DAD can I have Harrison Ford-Cortina As a Pet says Lily Luna HE’S COOL.

Well Master Higgs the White Rabbit did say it would be fun to turn up here and see what was going to happen, I DON'T think anyone or anything has eaten anything or anyone yet said Alice who along with Young Higgs and the White Rabbit were standing on the roof of the monorail stop to avoid the stampeding crowd as it headed towards the main exit.

HELLO HARRY shouted Young Higgs at Harry who was now hiding behind a large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia along with Lily Luna, Hermione and several young wizard pupils as they attempt to avoid screaming muggles as they panic.

Then as it gets quieter and the panicked crowd vanishes off into the distance and Harrison Ford-Cortina growls at Harry Potter in an attempt to explain it was nothing to do with him. The tall and terrifying image of a mad demonic Wizard appears out of a large cloud of wizardly cloudy stuff; it is none other than the awesome and imposing spectacle of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire himself, looking a little deranged and annoyed.

To be continued       


  1. I have vacation a few times in La Villa Real de la Santa Fe de San Francisco de Asís, New Mexico (aka Santa Fe).

    1. I think I used to know (briefly) someone whose name was veRy close to Frankenzompire. And by close I meant his name was a little farther down the page of the phone.


    2. I nicked that line with Santa Fe in from Ian Dury and the blockheads. . . Hit me with your Rhythm Stick. . . .

      Frankenzompire appeared to be the only variation that did not come up on a Google search at the time when hunting for a sort of Mad Professor, Zombie Vampire name option. It comes up quite a lot now but mainly in connection with my blog. Being original is DAMN hard.

    3. Hah, I find you rather routinely original, and please understand that is a compliment.

    4. I understand Mr ESB I think I am happier being routinely original than originally routine.

      I dont think I will think about that any longer I'm now confused . . .

    5. I should make a shirt that has:

      NOW I WON

      When people ask me what it means I wiLL look at it and say, "On, no, I printed it backwards."

  2. For some reason I didn't see these posts when you first did them. They only showed up today (the 10th) I have a lot of catching up to do!

    1. The internet is a strange and fickle beast of a thing that shows no respect for man its inventor.