As some of you know I am
in the process of writing another short alternative Harry Potter Story (which
is not going well either, the agony of being a failed writer is agonizing). Anyway tonight we are having a little break
to deal with one of those Big Questions that I think people actually prefer me
to write about. Therefore tonight’s Big
Question is. . . . . . . . . . How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. . .
. . . OK I can hear the sound of silence
as you all go WHAT and it is true it is not the sort of question most of us ask
that often but when you do ask it, it’s a Big Question and you need answers
fast. And I do have a reason for dealing with this tonight.
You see after a life of
not having to consider this question at all, like the old saying about busses
turning up on mass, I have had to deal with two of them tonight so I thought I
should deal with the question while the issues are still fresh in my mind.
Firstly and this is quite important as I don’t want folk to rush off and phone
the police saying quick go to that Rob Z Tobor’s house he has an attic full of
bodies….. Even if you see it as a cunning way to stop me writing reams of total
rubbish about stuff or bad Harry Potter stories. The fact is I have not been
killing folk off (honest) what I have been doing is putting two rolls of the
old rubber carpet underlay up in the attic and they are sort of body sized and
about the same weight and flop about a bit like a body.
So exactly what are the
main problems with this. Well it’s not easy because any attic that you can hide
bodies in is also one that is not easy to get into. Ours has one of the attic
ladders which is OK unless you are trying to carry a large floppy-ish item up
it and through a smallish hatch in the ceiling. Ours also does not have boards
over its entire area and it would not do to fall through the ceiling clutching
a body as the ambulance chaps might be suspicious when you say Uncle George
sort of rolled himself up in a carpet you had handy in the garage. Here in Britain may attics do not have lights
in either (luckily ours does) but stumbling about in the dark with your friend draped
over your shoulder while holding a torch balancing on 4 inch rafters is far
from easy.
So in hindsight all I can
say is you might be better to hide the body under the patio. Only as we all
know this is the first thing the police dig up and if they don’t if you ever
sell the house the new owners will do it just in case you hid a body under
there and they are worried about the rumour of Zombies in the neighbourhood.
One further point is if you wish to keep your carpet underlay for future use
then do not bury it under the patio is has a habit of rotting and going mouldy.
Something that you might consider a bonus if it was a body.
Handy hints as always Rob.
ReplyDeleteI always bury my bodies in the sewage plant for two reasons 1) the bacteria will eat all the evidence rather quickly (they are hungry little buggers) and 2) the smell of human waste is more than enough to stop PC Plod in his tracks and they have not found those two guys that I ..... I've said too much.
You are lucky in the sense that your sewage plant is large to deal with all your guests. . . . . . . . When I say deal with your guests I dont mean you plan to put them all in the sewage plant to dispose of them. That would not be good for trade as they would not be able to pay, although if you disposed of them after they had paid you could shrug your shoulders in a sort of well look they paid and left so I dont know where they are officer sort of way.
DeleteAfter I read your headline I thought, "A mouse? It would be easy to hide a mouse body in an attic." My second thought was, " ... but it might be more difficult to hide someone dressed up in a Mickey Mouse costume especiaLLy if the house was tiny, such as if it was the home of a Keebler Elf." I probably thought of the Elf connection because I watched 'Elf' (the movie) yesternight.
ReplyDeleteI think the optimum place to bury a body would be under a tree that was part of the perimeter of a grave yard. It was part of a crime drama movie plot I neVer finished writing. No, that is incorrect, I never actuaLLy put any of the plot on paper or in a computer, it stayed in my head until .. now.
DeleteOoooo you do need to write these unwritten plots down Mr ESB, it is all these little things that we do that will be lingering about long after we die or have been rolled up in a carpet and hidden in the attic where we will be nibbled a bit by mice.
DeleteI just felt that it was tOO close to The Perfect Crime to turn it into a movie or novel, and I didn't want to be associated with it. I was driving by the cemetery in Pampa Texas and noticed the trees along the perimeter and the plot just feLL into place.
DeleteI hadn't thought about mice nibbling lately. I don't remember if I told you that I wrote Abraham Lincoln's famous speech The Gettysburg Address onto rice using a veRy fine tipped gel ink pen. I left the rice on my old table after I moved next door to my new house and mice ate the rice. You could see the dust shadows where the rice used to be.
DeleteI remember seeing a picture of the rice that you wrote Abraham Lincoln's famous speech on in your blog I remember being very impressed. I was not aware or at least I dont remember the bit about it being eaten by mice. It would imply that mice are not impressed by Abraham Lincoln who it must be said did not do as much for the American rodent population as he could of. Something that mice will have noticed at the time and passed on in fables through the generations. Leading to a lack of support for any President since by mice or even Hamsters.
DeleteMice would reaLLy dislike any president who had a cat. I think most of them have dogs, so secretly the presidents may be trying to get the mose vote by avoiding cats.
Delete"mouse" not "mose"
DeleteI'd be a terrible murderer. I would be terrified of dumping a body anywhere so I'd just cart it around in my car hoping nobody smelled anything off kilter. "No, no, that's not a dead body smell, that's my new Yankee Candle scent, ode de dirt…"
ReplyDeleteMy "problem" is that my mother, a school teacher of tiny people, instilled in me the need to be a nice pleasant person.
DeleteOne of the main problems with car bodies is rust, I would advise keeping the body well waxed maybe the wax from one of the Yankee Candles would be ideal. . . .
DeleteIf folk ask questions just say its your Mummy . . . HHA HAHah ha hah ah ah ah ahah ahahha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha