Thursday, 20 September 2012

Young Horror Patter and the magic slugs (the continuing tale of the gingerbread house) and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Once upon a time a long long long…… very long time ago lived a young wizard called Horror Patter, he had acquired this name as a result of his early years in wizard school where his attempts in magic would nearly always end in the sound of his feet as they pitter-pattered at speed down the long stone corridors to tell one of the masters things had gone slightly wrong and there was a thirty five foot slug eating Henry Poobag the 4th in the Halls of Spells.  Much of the problem as it became clear much later on, was the fact he was a bit dyslexic, so Humpillioratty Floximaxiffion to poor old Horror Patter sounded look just like Hippiffiliously Jazzilliopussion so it was no wonder he sort of turned stuff into the wrong thing

Despite all his errors he had a few friends mainly Reg Polecat and Henrietta Ginger also known as Bossy Boots.  Anyway it appeared that Horror Patter was destined for big things because the grand wizard and school headmaster Professor Doubledoor was very friendly with Mr and Mrs Patter and rumour has it a couple of plain brown envelopes had passed hands with the odd wink and a Allicazapiously hiddeniousapus nudgellious sayious kno Moreioth. Then one day the three friends ventured into the dark wood on a well wizard trip without telling Professor Doubledoor by using the secret passage that smart arse Henrietta Bossy Boots found.




The reason for their trip was to visit a house deep in the woods that Henrietta Ginger’s father had made with his business partner Mr Bread many many many years ago, using revolutionary new building materials and ideas that sadly did not catch on. Anyway they battled through the wild woods fighting goblins and rabbits until they came to a clearing in the wood where they found  a small group of people that Henrietta knew, because she knows everything (NA NAN NAAA Naaaaa).  They were Professor Frankenstein who had been sacked by the school for his attempts to make students in a student loan scam, Mrs Frankenstein his wife, a large android robot that looked just like that Arnold Schwarzenegger and a small golden robot with wires hanging out of it called Rapunzel. The small group were eating crumbs off the floor, and the large android robot was trying to shoo away ravens who were also trying to eat the crumbs.

What happened to your lovely house that my father Mr Ginger and his business partner Mr Bread Made? it is destroyed said Henrietta, It is just one of those things said Professor Frankenstein as he desperately attempted to fly a kite up into a passing thunderstorm with the line tied to the head of a scarecrow.  

We will put it all right for you said Reg Polecat, Yes said Horror Patter and with that Young Horror Pattor lifted his wand.

NO shouted Henrietta …….. No shouted Reg ………… No shouted a Zombie scurrying about in the wood, but it was too late.

Flinkystorodiousady Pilliffastpee blinkius shouted Horror his wand making cracking noises and smoke and flames flashing across the sky ………………….AH said Henrietta …………..AH said Reg …………. AH said young Horror Patter and AH said a Zombie in the wood. Because there before them were four very large slugs sat on the remains of the gingerbread house eating ginger bread quite happily.

Time to  go home said Henrietta Best not to tell Professor Doubledoor I think


The English teacher said IDIOT again now after making me rewrite my story…



  1. I have noticed for a long time that certain fonts and the intercharacter spacing can have delightful effects, especiaLLy for people like me who have slightly fuzzy vision. My favorite is probably the r + n combination which squeezed together imperfectly resembles the letter m. So that turns a wonderful name like Arnold into A mold. Hah! I didn't even have to say any Horror Pâté incantation. Oh, sorry, Horror Pâté is something bad from a duck, I meant your Horror Patter.

    1. I am not allowed to say Harry Potter or I will be sued for Millions . . . . . . .AH DAMN I did.

    2. During aLL of the previous work that we were doing with Google Earth, I came up with an interesting digital clock idea. A person could build a large digital clock with day-month-year display on top of your house, then when they take the satellite photo you would be able to tell accurately when the satellite photo was taken. But you can usuaLLy get a fairly good time of day by looking at the shadows of the buildings, so reaLLy just having a digital calendar would suffice.

    3. I am not sure where it is, but somewhere in the middle east is a message written in huge letters that says something to the effect, all westerners are not really all that nice.

      Well it says that or Visit Ali's restaurant and mention Google Earth for a 10% discount. But I can not remember where it was now.

    4. I can read and understand Arabic a veRy smaLL amount. I studied it eXtensively while one of my relatives was in the !iddle East for a year, but then they came home about a year ago and I have not pursued it veRy much. We may be able to use Google to find out where the large Arabic-al sign is, then use Google Maps to look at it, but not on an iPhone Pentagram (My cute name for their latest greatest model 5 which has the Apple Map product instead.)

    5. Try searching on Shiek Hamad's Name From Space. Its easy to see on Google Earth in Abu Dhabi, isn't wrote in Arabic, but uppercase HAMAD. It is partiaLLy filled with water for contrast, how thoughtful.

    6. You are indeed a man of many talents and now I learn of one more WELL COOL. I Have found Shiek Hamad's Name From Space but it looks a bit like he got bored before they finished it.

    7. I realized it would be easy for farmers and ranchers to do similar large words or art visible from space. If it was the cow's husband, it would be called a visi-bull. Heeeheeehahahaha-moo-hahaha-moo (even cattle think thats funny!)

    8. Very clever Me ESB however if the farmer was to stand in the middle of one of the letters, say an O or an A or a D or even an X, then he would be in-visi-bull.............. OK the cattle are not amused but the farmer might be . . . . . . . . .a bit.

  2. Replies
    1. Indeed you are right and ever since I wrote this I am unable to add photos correctly on the blog. I think I may have been cured by a wizard. They are like that 5 mins of fame and think they are celebrities.....