How to be a successful writer. . . An Easy to Follow Short Guide.

The world of blogging or to be more accurate my world of blogging has hit a brick wall as it appears everyone except the very very hardiest have run off to read the blogs of other folk. I am not sure why this has happened it is all very strange indeed. But I am not downhearted as it gives me an incentive to explore the minds of those folk who have run off elsewhere, in what will probably be a futile effort to make then return and read things again. Well maybe read just the one post and then run off again.

So what is it that will turn the eye of a hardened blogger?  Well as has been mentioned recently by Miss Lily one of the main subjects that bloggers flock to like moths to a lamp post (something I either blogged about or was in my head to write about and I forgot?), is how to write a book. Not just any book though, but a highly successful book that folk will buy in their millions making the writer a wealth person, allowing then to sit in book shops signing books or better still write a blog about how to write a  successful book.

The principles are fundamentally easy so it is possible to miss out the whole write a successful book bit, I mean Einstein’s Physics teacher did not write Einstein’s Principles of Physics but without his teachers he would have become a train driver or something like that. So it is that I can tell you exactly what you need to do to be that successful writer.

Firstly a good book and a successful book may not exactly be the same, sounds odd but sadly very true. Let’s face it Fifty Shades of Grey might have been successful but many have said it written rather badly. . . . I do not know as I have never read it.  It is the sort of book I have no interest in reading, and this is the next rather important point, certain types of book attract more readers that others. Adult romantic fiction is read by huge numbers of women around the world and I guess a percentage of men. Books like Harry Potter appealed too many from teenagers to adults and still does (written rather well), and wizards and Magic are again a subject that is very popular. There is also science fiction, period drama and various mixes of the lot. So pick your target audience with care, appealing to gay unicyclists who love cats if fine and you might write a brilliant book that will be bought by 99% of your target audience, but if that target audience is small then you can kiss success goodbye unless someone thinks HANG ON a film about gay unicyclists who love cats, now that has legs . . . . . . . (and a wheel).

Another important point is editing. You will need a well edited book (I never edit stuff COS), it is not for the readers, but for the publishers. Publishers are a funny lot who will say things like O he wrote there not their or where not we’re or wear or so on and so on. I mean most readers like a good story, and life in reality is not edited and folk write and talk badly in life, but publishers just don’t like it so to get published you need to play the game and write proppper like what I did (sorry doo).

Remember adding some graphic sex and sweaty bodies that heave and have huge yearning swollen parts appears to help loads but not in children’s books, and anyway there are only so many things you can do with a can of squirty cream and a pair of bicycle clips, although it might help if you are appealing to those gay unicyclists who love cats, they are little terrors you know when they are not on their unicycles chasing the cats about with a tin of pilchards.

My final tip is what ever you do, do not write like me or it will all end it a terrible melodrama with Zombies chasing you, and JK Rowling and Steven Spielberg telling you to GO AWAY AND TAKE THOSE PESKY SEAGULLS WITH YOU.

So there you have it everything you ever needed to know about how to write a successful book and all entirely free in one small-ish blog post. . . . 

Yes I'm sorry . . . .  this is a child friendly blog and I have left you having an awkward conversation trying to explain what bicycle clips are for.