Friday, 4 October 2013

The Greatest Fairy Tale of all Time (no not Snow White and the seven dwarfs)

As I am off on a secret mission which is a secret my diary will not be written for a few days, and no one else wishes to write it while I’m away on the grounds it is rubbish. So in order to keep folk amused (or not) until my triumphant return I have rewritten an old favourite fairy tale, I am no fool, I know it is best to keep to a winning formula to please the punters.

So this is it for now until it is time to start my diary again. I have my trusty pointy stick and will be hunting strange monstrous beasts as I travel.

The Greatest Fairy Tale of all Time
Icy Black and the Seven Giants

Once upon a time there was a grumpy young prince called Icy Black who would wander about the castle of his step-father the King muttering and complaining at crows and seagulls and some of the servants; who would say things like if you grump like that young master Black the wind will change direction and you will be grumpy for life and look like a big Frog. Prince Icy Black would always shout GOOD and stamp about until someone gave him ice cream to keep him quiet. His step-father, King Arthur had a large round table (a talking table) and each day he would ask it table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all, and the table would always say KING ARTHUR.

Then as Prince Icy Black got older he started to really get on the nerves of everyone with his constant grumpiness and then one day when King Arthur said table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Boris the Greengrocer, the King was shocked and asked the table why and of course it was because after nineteen years of grumpiness Prince Icy Black was making everyone unhappy. 

The King thought OK I have had enough of this and sent Prince Icy Black into the forest and gave the nod to the knights to sort of chop his head off. But once in the forest Prince Icy Black complained so much the knights forgot about killing him and stuck cotton wool in their ears and ran back to the castle.

Then as it got dark and prince Icy Black was moaning he was cold and hungry he came across a huge house, as he pushed the door open he was confronted by seven giants who looked at him and complained and grumped for at least an hour about strangers turning up and leaving doors open and not wearing matching shoes.

It turned out that the seven giants were even grumpier than Prince Icy Black which made him very happy so it was a bit of a shock several weeks later when King Arthur asked the round table table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Prince Icy Black. Everyone at the castle thought O NO he might come back so a plot was hatched and an apple was laced with a magic sleeping potion and one of the knights returned to the forest where he made a tower of five apples outside the house of the seven giants. Of course Prince Icy Black could not resist saying he was going to eat the bottom apple destroying the tower, but as he did so he fell asleep and snored really loudly.

When the seven giants returned from their day job of guarding a small village from a group of Japanese samurai bandits they thought, we cant cope with all that snoring so put Prince Icy Black in a sound proof glass box in the woods.  As time passed everyone lived happily until one day a passing princess saw Prince Icy Black and thought Ooooooo I know I will kiss him, and all in an instant he turned into a huge frog and got in a right strop leaping about shouting, so the princess ran off. After chewing a few flies Prince Icy Black thought I know I will go and see King Arthur he will be pleased to see me.

The End . . . . . . . . . . . . Or is it


  1. Haha I love this, so many fairy tales combined to make something totally unique. I'm still wondering how you can 'sort of' chop someone's head off.

    1. Yes you are right Miss Laura it is all or nothing with chopping heads off in fairy tales.

  2. For the fun of it, I am reading this blog post paragraph by paragraph in random order. So that means I wiLL most likely read some paragraph(s) more than one time before I am finished.

    1. Since you wiLL be gone for a long time I am pacing myself and only reading one paragraph per day. I was thinking about not eating until you return, but then I thought, utt ohh, what if he dies while on his great journey or kidnapped and held in slavery in a cold dark underground moldy Ch_nese factory, cranking out ultra modern Apple iPxxxx products, then I would die of starvation instead of rescuing Rob from the evil grasp of The Sino Overlords. It can be a movie where some dwarf plays the part of me, say Tom Cruise, and somebody like that guy from Star Wars that I can't remember what his name is but initials are HF can play the part of Rob, unless you want someone else in which case I would need someone else, or maybe even two someones. Would that be 'sometwo' for the double? I am hungry now, time for breakfast in Texas ...

    2. I have returned Mr ESB. . . . .

      I was rather hoping that David Tennant would play the part of me as he is slightly eccentric and from Scotland. And would make a brilliant RZT.

    3. I didn't know who he is, so googling him, I typed 'David ' then just as soon as I typed a T he was the top choice so that would make him an acceptable choice, plus the Scottish connection, and the Dr Who eXpperience. I am glad you are back as my life has been completely on hold in a comatose hibernating manner awaiting your return. Hhaahhaahhaa, not reaLLy! We have been busy getting ready for our new toy, the embroidery machine, on late Monday. We are also studying lasers. But now it is time for coffee, post-nap and post-buffalo burger.

    4. When you say lasers do you mean laser cutters, laser printers or a huge death ray to take over the world.

      As it happens for reasons I am not allowed to tell about huge death lasers just do not work on Earth due to atmosphere problems. So don't go for that option unless you are planning to use it in space.

    5. Cuting with lasers. In other words: making cute things

      There would be the occasional cutting.

      I am busy first with the embroidery machine, star ting tomorrow. Tomorrow seems like a good time to start because it has the word row in it and I think there is a tendency to have rows of things string.

    6. Good luck with the new machine and your new ideas on string theory . . . .

      Cute is good there is money in cute things....

  3. A mad mixture of legends, of fairy tails and me thinks you might of been hanging around with a very large, small caterpillar. I shall go ask Alice when she's ten inches tall.....