Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Haircut, email and the curse of BT helplines

The ghost writer is a bit stressed, or a lot stressed as BT in their infinite wisdom have changed their email server details and so several people are now shouting at him. He has one weakness as a IT guru of note and that is email, me hates setting up email even though it is a bit like buttering toast, well not really like buttering toast because the butter melts and drips and you can then add loads of peanut butter YUM, that is not quite the same as email. But he is a bit stressed due to what he has described as abject failure which I am led to believe is not really all that good. So in the morning he has said he will phone the BT helpline, which means that things must be bad because phoning one of those BT helplines is a bit like the kiss of death. For one thing they are automated nightmares and if you get your options wrong you find yourself either back where you started or talking to a nice man in an Indian call centre and although he may be a nice man, he has sadly learnt to speak English from an old 1950’s BBC news reader and therefore cant understand a word that the average British citizen says because we all talk a sort of semi-trashed localized English. Let’s face it someone from Birmingham is never going to understand a word a Glaswegian, so an Indian call centre is doomed unless the queen calls up.  He is going to spend the evening playing tiddlywinks now with a seagull hiding in a dark cupboard and saying bleep bleep bleep much like the ghost of the old Sinclair ZX-81 did last night.

The sun came out today it was a bit of a shock on the eyes first thing and as I staggered about trying to find my way to the bus stop to go to school, I accidently fell into a hairdressers resulting in yet another haircut this year. I have had three of them now which is terrible how is a chap meant to remain scruffy if he has three haircuts in a year.  Then of course because I was neat, I was then viewed with suspicion. I have found that many neat people are also somewhat suspicious, just look at car salesmen or politicians or insurance salesmen they are all very neat but none of us would blindly go and sign things they give us without a jolly good read first.  In fact the safest politicians to trust are the quiet scruffy ones, that is worth remembering next to you vote for any make sure they are scruffy and quiet; the same with car salesman although scruffy and enthusiastic would be better, maybe look for a bit of oil or grease on their shoes.

OK where was I  . . . . . . . . .. AH yes school. Some foolish person (I mention no names Miss Fionaski . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN  . . . .I did sorry about that) suggested we do our 0.45 times table. Well James made the mistake of trying to use his fingers which proved very messy and there was blood everywhere but give him his due he was persistent even if he had to get someone else to write down the answers.

I will say one thing about today it may have been sunny and dry but it was jolly cold, I have resorted to wearing several jumpers and even though the dog pushed he onto my back I got up with ease although it did take forty five minutes, but that was only because the dog laughing at me, put me off… 


  1. I never learned my 0.45 times table at school. I tried to cheat in my GCSEs by bringing in severed hand to count it on, but the teacher confiscated it and never gave it back. Something to do with "scandal", I don't know.

    1. I think that was a little unfair after all they let people use calculators these days and that is far less eco friendly than a hand, which is very biodegradable and natural.

  2. I have a very clear image of the Queen coiling one of those twisty phone cords around her royal finger while listening to Greensleeves because her broadband has gone!.. She keeps trying to get Philip to put the kettle on and turn the TV down, but she whispers because she thinks the people on the other end can still hear her even though she's on hold.

    silly Queen!

    1. I am not sure if the Queen would understand the technical aspects of the telephone, as she may well have her own personal phone dialler. Which of course would involve having to keep a proper phone with a dial.

      One has standards to maintain. I believe the Queens broadband is know to all as the home counties . . . . .