Friday, 9 November 2012
Zombies, a torch and a dark winters tale.
It is very dark tonight so I can not see a thing outside. How come cats get to see in the dark and dogs and owls and mice and all sorts of other critters in fact almost everything except humans. I suspect once, a long time ago we could see in the dark like every other critter but then some smarty pants scientist invented the torch and then our need to see in the dark diminished. And with time we have genetically changed so that we just can’t see in the dark at all now. Which is all well and good except that when ever we grab our torch to go outside to investigate the strange growling noises the batteries are flat. I am all in favour of investigating growling and demonic screams in the night after all it could be a herd of Zombies (I am not sure what a group of Zombies is called). None of us would want to miss the opportunity to come face to face with a load of man eating Zombies in the dark would we.
I notice that Zombies can usually see in the dark too, but I think this is because they don’t know how to turn the torch on, and they certainly would never be able to change the batteries or operate one of those wind up torches. As it happens those wind up torches are generally rubbish, you spent ten minutes winding then like mad go outside, switch them on, and thirty seconds later all you have is a little dull glow, just enough to see a curious Zombie smiling and licking his lips at you a few feet away in the bushes. I don’t recommend solar powered torches much either, I can see the principle of the thing, you shine the torch at the solar panels which generates the electricity to operate the torch but it does mean that as soon as you shine them out into the night the light goes off.
OK what has happened today, well school was a bit tricky because it was very dark and then someone accidently got the sound of the caretakers sack barrow (it has very squeaky wheels) and his singing (the caretakers not the sack barrow) mixed up which a stampeding gang of angry Zombies. They then warned the pupils in the rather dark corridors, they are all fitted with those silly energy saving light bulbs (the corridors not the pupils) by shouting … … … LOOK OUT A stampeding gang of angry Zombies are coming which somehow led to a certain amount of panic and screaming with teachers and pupils running up and down the corridors in a sort of irrational random way. Several teachers got knocked over and concussed, and then one of the school cooks threw a bag of flour at them thinking they were the Zombies. They certainly looked like Zombies after that as they staggered towards the medical room clutching their heads and groaning. Unfortunately the school nurse was not very sympathetic and tried to tie them up with bandages before making her escape out of the window where she fell into the mud and became the creature from the black Lagoon.
It was only after the Police and Fire Brigade turned up and turned the fire hoses on The Mutant Egyptian Zombies and The Creature from the Black Lagoon that the error was discovered. The headmaster was keen to know who started it all and everyone looked at me, but I pointed out that I did not see a thing because the batteries in my torch are dead. And by the time I wound up my wind up torch it was all over.