Friday 9 November 2012

Zombies, a torch and a dark winters tale.


It is very dark tonight so I can not see a thing outside. How come cats get to see in the dark and dogs and owls and mice and all sorts of other critters in fact almost everything except humans. I suspect once, a long time ago we could see in the dark like every other critter but then some smarty pants scientist invented the torch and then our need to see in the dark diminished. And with time we have genetically changed so that we just can’t see in the dark at all now.  Which is all well and good except that when ever we grab our torch to go outside to investigate the strange growling noises the batteries are flat. I am all in favour of investigating growling and demonic screams in the night after all it could be a herd of Zombies (I am not sure what a group of Zombies is called). None of us would want to miss the opportunity to come face to face with a load of man eating Zombies in the dark would we.



I notice that Zombies can usually see in the dark too, but I think this is because they don’t know how to turn the torch on, and they certainly would never be able to change the batteries or operate one of those wind up torches. As it happens those wind up torches are generally rubbish, you spent ten minutes winding then like mad go outside, switch them on, and thirty seconds later all you have is a little dull glow, just enough to see a curious Zombie smiling and licking his lips at you a few feet away in the bushes.  I don’t recommend solar powered torches much either, I can see the principle of the thing, you shine the torch at the solar panels which generates the electricity to operate the torch but it does mean that as soon as you shine them out into the night the light goes off.

OK what has happened today, well school was a bit tricky because it was very dark and then someone accidently got the sound of the caretakers sack barrow (it has very squeaky wheels) and his singing (the caretakers not the sack barrow) mixed up which a stampeding gang of angry Zombies. They then warned the pupils in the rather dark corridors, they are all fitted with those silly energy saving light bulbs (the corridors not the pupils) by shouting … … … LOOK OUT A stampeding gang of angry Zombies are coming which somehow led to a certain amount of panic and screaming with teachers and pupils running up and down the corridors in a sort of irrational random way. Several teachers got knocked over and concussed, and then one of the school cooks threw a bag of flour at them thinking they were the Zombies. They certainly looked like Zombies after that as they staggered towards the medical room clutching their heads and groaning. Unfortunately the school nurse was not very sympathetic and tried to tie them up with bandages before making her escape out of the window where she fell into the mud and became the creature from the black Lagoon.  

It was only after the Police and Fire Brigade turned up and turned the fire hoses on The Mutant Egyptian Zombies and The Creature from the Black Lagoon that the error was discovered. The headmaster was keen to know who started it all and everyone looked at me, but I pointed out that I did not see a thing because the batteries in my torch are dead. And by the time I wound up my wind up torch it was all over.

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17 comments:

  1. I checked for ya, there doesn't seem to be an official designated word for group of zombies. So that means we could work reaLLy hard at coming up with one. I thought about it awhile, and I think 'kitten' would be good. I just tried to think of the oddest word that isn't currently used as a group word that no one would normaLLy associate with zombies and kitten popped up first. Just start using it and it might catch on. It might require some eXplanation at first, such as when you are watching a movie and say, "Look! A kitten of zombies!" and your friend goes, "What, the zombies have a cat?" "No no no, that's what a group of zombies is caLLed, a 'kitten of zombies', I think it has an Australian etymology."

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    1. OK from now on a group of Zombies will hence forth be know as a Kitten of Zombies. Although is there a minimum number, obviously two Zombies is a pair, not sure about three and then I guess after that it must be a Kitten. That sort of makes some sense as kittens have four feet. Maybe three Zombies could be a Tri-Be of Zombies Tri for 3 and Be for ZomBie.

      Good work Mr ESB . . . .

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    2. I test drove this new word 'kitten' of zombies at the diner this evening, and the listener thought it was a great idea, and laughed. James cooked my sandwich and was talking to me quite a bunch about something, so Jesus told me I had to eat my sandwich before it got cold. So I ate. But the french fries were already cold.

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    3. I am glad to hear that the concept of a Kitten of Zombies was approved and that you and the listener were the first people in the real world to test drive this plural description of Zombies.

      As with all new ideas there are always unforeseen consequences and cold French fries is one none of us could have anticipated. Therefore next time I am having French fries (known as chips in the UK) I will also mention a Kitten of Zombies in passing conversation to see if this was just a one off anomaly or something to be expected as the norm.

      I guess at worst we can say that French fries and a Kitten of Zombies are incompatible and suggest to the manufactures of French fries that they include a warning on the side of the packaging . . . .

      DO NOT EAT IN THE PRESENCE OF ZOMBIES

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    4. I think this particular diner makes their own French Fries, so I am not sure if they have ever been frozen. I do like your idea for a warning label. We could try to sneak in "A KITTEN OF" right between OF and ZOMBIES.

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    5. Yes that did cross my mind, but I thought people might not read it correctly (the public tend to do stuff like that); they would see the word KITTEN and assume that within the packaging was a frozen KITTEN. Frozen kittens would be highly controversial and even though the packaging did not contain KITTENS, a hysterical mob setting fire to the freezer section of the supermarket would not be good for profits. Although it would be possible to then turn round to the supermarket manager and say to him

      "That mob are acting like a Kitten of Zombies".

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    6. I agree 98%.

      I had imagined kittens as zombies to be the point of confusion in the undereducated masses with torches.

      While I was studying Sir Arthur Conan Doyle just now I saw that he had spent time in Shropshire. SmaLL world. I also noticed that the picture of Sherlock Holmes in Wikipedia has him with a receding hairline just like the character in the new CBS show Elementary. I also just finished a batch of Uncle Ern's World Famous Soup that turned out marvelous. WeLL, back to a smaLL amount of housework. If I combine it with the medium amount that I've already done, then maybe that wiLL qualify as a large amount by the wifey when she gets home, and therefore I won't be in trouble (hah).

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    7. I forgot to teLL you that last night I found an interesting device caLLed a Korg Kaosilator Pro Dynamic Phrase Synthesizer. You can go to Youtube and see/hear several demonstrations.

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    8. Surprisingly I found evolutionary proof for the use of kitten for a group of zombies! While studying an article on dogs right after studying mitochondrial DNA, I noticed that a group of baby dogs is called a litter. Of course I already knew that but then today I noticed that litter and kitten are veRy similar, with the variation being on the ends of the words. But I am not sure which variation came first, whether the k lost the < to become an l, or if a < got hooked onto an l. Likewise part of the n could have broke off to create an r. But most likely both things happened + or -, as we know about kitten and litter, but there do not appear to be kitter or litten.

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    9. I have studied what you have said about evolutionary proof for the use of kitten for a group of zombies, and mmmmm I think you may be looking at this from a mitochondrial DNA in the context of text sort of way.

      I think if I was to explain your theory to a Zombie he would look at me and point and say KITTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEENNN. So I can only say, I totally agree....

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  2. There are two S's in Kaossilator, _orry.

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    1. I found a demo in fact several of them, on Youtube I do like all these clever things but they can get a bit techy and I am having enough problems slowly integrating the things I do have. I am hoping to multi-track my own African drumming and add a bit of guitar but not until I sort out the wiring of my 10 year + old selection of electronic boxes.

      Plus the various other things of life that I need to do, and then the things I would like to do but do not need too, I find my brain can think of more things than my body can physically do. That is very frustrating....

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    2. I have viewed several tubes of youtubes and then also glanced through the owners and users manuals which are available online from the manufacturers (Korg) website as pdf files. I am going to AmariLLo soon and wiLL play with one at a store that s'pposedly stocks them caLLed Guitar Center. I find this funny as they are not guitars, and the the store is not in the center of town, but on the veRy west most main street, and inside the store these devices are located in the eastern side of the building.

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    3. These devices are wondrous indeed but if you plan to purchase such a wondrous device make sure you have cables amp speakers and associated things in order to enjoy the device of wonder as well as scare your neighbours with strange mutant Zombie sounds.

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    4. The Kaossilator Pro has been purchased! I played with it for a couple hours today. I got it hooked to my computer to move files back and forth and save, captured pieces of music off my iPad, and general fun. But the wife is watching teleBision and that is the same monitor for the computer. I am neXt eXperimenting with Digital Audio Workstation software for combining and manipulating sound files later this evening when I get my computer back. Currently snuggling with Cooper, he missed me today. Oh, and supper!

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    5. Well done Mr ESB I am only moderately jealous as I think it might be a bit too complex for me to drive. I will stick with my djembe and trusty guitars.

      I hope you get loads of time to use it and develop some interesting sounds and music. Maybe there might be a whole new musical blog encapsulated within this device of wonder. You will be able to experiment with pineapple music, it is said that plants respond to music so it may be a way of growing even better bigger pineapples.

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    6. Currently aLL the sound is contained inside the head
      _______
      ()phones()
      but later today when the wifey returns to work downtown I wiLL bring my Yamaha key board over from the old house and plug it in as a feed. I think I have a microphone somewhere to also try. The final thing I was messing with was pseudo conversations between a pair of people, doing some wahwah wah wah wahwah noises, which was totaLLy hilarious. Then I envisioned redoing the final courtroom scene from the movie A Few Good Men with just wah wah wah ness. I am not sure what the language should be caLLed, Wah-ese? ... Maybe.

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