Wednesday, 20 July 2011

The Missing Days......... When not much happened

These are the missing days when I was up North although not much happened. The ghost writer thinks it may be due the the fact he was rather busy and his brain was slightly scrambled. He says sorry, very sorry as it happens....

17th July 2011

Day one of the spy mission. We left bright and early in the morning to head North, having said farewell to Mr Charlie which is a little suspicious as Mr Charlie never comes to see us first thing in the morning. Then we dropped Sooty the Cat off at the cattery because he is still mad and we thought poor old Pirate Pete might not be able to cope with two cats. Heading North was OK but there was some really heavy rain on the motorways and everyone always drives too fast in all the spray. Dad was not happy because we were in an undercover car, a 2004 Fiat Multi Pla which is OK but not the same as the purple metalflake Model T with the supercharged V8 engine. But mum insisted we travelled low key; but the Fiat is quite a good car as it happens, and except for a multiple shunt in Leeds (we were not involved in it but had to pass it) the trip was uneventful.

The Hotel is bit uneventful too, it’s a Holiday Inn and to tell the truth it looks just like all the other Holiday Inns only the bed I’m in is rubbish and I’m only on level six. We have sort of smuggled the dogs in, they don’t allow dogs, but with dark sunglasses and raincoats on shouting it Latin in reception; the hotel are convinced they are mad Italian rock stars.  Anyway not much happened tonight at the hotel except we ate and mum got Rusty the Robot Dog to hang a pumpkin off a Sky satellite dish  about 500 yards away on the roof of an old bed and breakfast. Then she shot a whole load of holes in it. A bit later a repair man turned up to repair the bed and breakfast’s television. But then after the repair man left mum shot a few more holes in the Sky satellite dish.  She is not very happy with one of the owners of Sky and said he has got loads of loyalty points for Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.

18th July 2011

Spent most of the day in a strange labyrinth of market traders selling things to people who were all wearing little labels, Not sure what all that was about but even mum and dad had little labels. I was planning to ask but mum said DON’T ASK. Then both mum and dad had along chat with an Australian Bloke deep in the bottom of the labyrinth in a place called the dungeon. That’s the second Australian she has had a long chat with in the last couple of days which is odd because we don’t know any Australians. I was planning to ask mum about the Australians but mum said DON’T ASK  and I was not to mention Australians in my diary ……….  AH. Mum has just said IDIOT.

The dogs are working their way through the room service menu to check all the food is safe to eat. Rusty may be a robot but he is a Robot Dog so eating is normal.

19th July 2011

It was another day of walking through the labyrinth of corridors and interlinked buildings and going up and down in various lifts although it is not like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop.  There are no skeletons or Rodin Bronzes or even Martian rock samples and meteorites, Egyptian artefacts or Inca gold idols and gods or any of the stuff he has. And all the little halls in the great labyrinth seem to be full of more market traders although we saw no more Australians. And mum didn’t shoot anymore pumpkins today, although she said she had to deal with some property owned by Australians.  Mum said they were preoccupied with other things today so mum and MI6 were dealing with outstanding issues.

It is all far to complex for me so I was helping the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog sample all the food in the Holiday Inn. We have come to the overall conclusion that the food is not as good as it has been in the past at the Holiday Inn and we have given it five out of ten. Rusty the Robot Dog said it was difficult to score points on the ground he has never been in a Holiday Inn before but he liked the help yourself to breakfast bit in the morning. Although there always seems to be a lot of grannies about too do battle with at breakfast time. Me and the dogs made sure we had a good hearty breakfast, in fact we had two or three. The dog had six this morning but Rusty the Robot Dog and me gave up after three because the gangs of grannies beat us back with sticks and things while they filled doggy bags up for their lunch. Both the dogs thought they should get the doggy bags but as mum pointed out, dogs are not allowed in the hotel and as far as everyone else was concerned they were in fact shabby Italian rock stars that smell a bit manky. 

We will be heading home tomorrow; mum had some funny phone call from an office that apparently does not exist to say they would like her to ring them in the morning. I am not sure how anyone can phone an office that does not exist or get a call from them in the first place.  I tried to ask mum about it but she said DONTIDIOT again. She says I am not likely to be a spy when I grow up and if that very nice Mr Steven Spielberg makes the block buster movie she may have to send him a pumpkin full of bullet holes with a little note from the office that does not exist.  I did say to mum that I assume its will not be on headed paper then, knowing that we have not brought the armadillo toaster with us but she wacked me on the head with the blunt end of the Jackals sniper rifle. NOT FAIR.

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