As most of you know I am a
pupil at the local Academy and due to an administrator’s error also a teacher. Now
it has been rather a long time since I have told all of you of events with
Freddie and his ferrets or Esmeralda or the school mascot, the School Goat, and
with good reason. You see this is not the sort of school frequented by the
likes of Harry Potter, it is not a school for wizards although Jimmy’s dad is
apparently a wizard at accounts or so the high court judge told him. Jimmy is
very proud, he said accounting gets a bad name and it is time someone
recognized the skills involved.
This however is all a
distraction what I am saying is our school is a normal school we don’t have
three headed dogs or huge blundering giants and the like wandering about; or
explosions . . . . . . . . OK yes we do
have explosions but we are young keen and have access to the internet so
science needs to be exciting and Maths, it is a little known fact but Maths is
a key lesson in the making of explosions as it allows students to use a
grappling hook to pinch some weed killer from the caretakers shed below the
classroom.
Sorry distracted again . .
. . . . Many of you will know that my main subject as a teacher is Zombie Defence
Classes but as we approach spring it is a difficult subject to teach as the
minds of Zombies turn to love, yes it is apparently the breeding season. As the
young innocent slightly eccentric child of cyberspace I have no plans to teach
the breeding habits of Zombies to anyone so I thought I KNOW I will do what
they do in other schools use Frogs. I was sadly unable to find any Frogs so I have
substituted Frogs for Slugs. And with the help of Freddie and Esmeralda managed
to fill a huge tank with over 10,000 slugs . . Well it appears the lid of the
tank was a little insecure and the slugs are breeding in the school at a rather
alarming rate. The good news the breeding cycle of the Zombie and slug is plain
for everyone to see; The bad news is I had to stay in after school and clean
all the slime . . . . . . . . . .YUCK . . . . . . .
The up side to all this is
I feel the very nice Steven Spielberg will be far more amenable to a film full
of breeding Slugs and Zombies than one full of annoying British Wizards who
just grow up and whinge a lot and anyway that has been well and truly done to
death now.
I will end this diary
entry on the blog with a poem as a useful hint of how to do the A to Z when you
can’t think of a single word for certain letters. . . . .
A
Arrim, aroo, addus, aboo.
And filly the aardvark in
the arcline agoo
While aplit and acca are appy
abzeeeee
And fettle the arra
And smile at the Zombie
B
Barrim baroo baddus baboo
And filly the aardvark in
the barcline bagoo
While baplit and bacca are
bappy babzeeeeee
And fettle the barra
And smile at the Zombie
C
So clever
So clever
So clever are weeeeeeeee
But you can’t claim you’re
an Aardvark
To a hungry Zombieeeeeeee
It will eat you and ruin a
good poem
THE END
HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HAH
AH H AH H H HA HAH Ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Slug away. A Slug Fest, Blog Fest, even. You are a member of that A to Zed. Oh how I dread the A to Zed! :)
ReplyDeleteC you, Rob!
Gary :)
I am a member of the A to Zed Mr G, but the key point is I find it rather fun. I do not aim to have lots of followers at the end of it or have gained anything more that the satisfaction that I came up with yet another cunning plan that I thought was fun.
DeleteAnd folk are very loyal to your blog Mr G even the cursed A to Z does not stop them commenting on your posts. I bet you would enjoy it if you had a go. . . .
Zombies breed with slugs? Then what's with all this head shot business then? Can't we just pour salt on them?
ReplyDeleteWell of course it was salt water that was the downfall of the triffids. I feel this is not a coincidence. More research is needed, I may apply for a grant, I can see a possible Nobel Prize ahead.......
DeleteHow do slugs mate? Where are all the pieces? There's probably slug porn that will answer all of my questions. This is why the internet was created.
ReplyDeleteThere are some things that really should not be looked up on the internet. I feel this is one . . . .
DeleteAll I can say is I strongly advise that no one googles Slug Porn. . . . I for one will not risk it.....
I read your A-Z poems to the tune of Chim-Chimeny from Mary Poppins. Was I close?
ReplyDeleteI tried that Mr Addman and it worked, that is a bit scary, has my mind been manipulated by a film I have not seen. Why do I know the song then . . . . . . These are worrying times indeed.
DeleteHmmm, somehow I didn't not ice this blog posting ...
ReplyDeleteThere was a young boy who was suspended from school for three days for pretending that his fingers were a gun and pointed them at someone. I think my legal defense would have been something like "I was pretending my hand was a movie camera."
DeleteThis is one of the great advantages of the pointy stick, if you say your hand is a pointy stick and I am pointing at him, that should be fine.
DeleteOr even say that your hand is the disembodied head of a huge monster that despite being chopped from its body is still alive and is crawling slowly towards him over there. And when it gets to him will eat him and roar a lot........ The great advantage here is that the person you were pointing at will be worried for the rest of the day that a huge head is about to eat him. And the added bonus would be you still get suspended for three days. . . . . so well cool
AH DAMN suspended is not good is it....
I think that suspended from school should mean that eXactly. I think if children were dangled from some place high, maybe turned upside down randomly for brief time periods, aLL of this outdoors, then children would be veRy weLL behaved. This sounds a little gulag-ish, so maybe Putin is already doing it(?).
DeleteThe thought did go through my mind about dangling small children out of windows. But it may not be entirely PC (politically correct rather than personal computer). Not sure how PC and PC and PC (Police Constable) all ended up as PC its confusing. . .
DeleteI totaLLy agree that smaLL children should never be publicaLLy dangerously dangled. The process should be private until the smaLL children have been stretched to PC dimension with legislative or judicial approval. One interesting process would be to eXperiment with the 3D stretching of humans through rotational process and then fiLLing the internal voids with helium to create floating humans. If not floatable they could at least be able to jump higher and be able to compete in job markets currently being taken over by kangaroos and former NBA players.
DeleteOne small Step for Mankind one Giant Leap for Man
Delete