Tuesday, 22 September 2015

How to Write a very Traditional Old School Fairytale Starting with Once Upon a Time

The trick to. . .  How to Write a very Traditional Old School Fairytale Starting with Once Upon a Time . . . is very simple indeed. Just go for it. . . A bit like this one

Once upon a time in the far distant past in a land ruled by a fairly typical King and Queen as often seen or read about in fairy tales, there was a young princess. Yes you have guessed it she was in fact the daughter of the King and Queen and was very beautiful. Now being a princess and also young and beautiful made the wicked witch of the woods very very angry. Partly because she was not young and beautiful, but also because wicked witches in fairy tales are generally grumpy and always end up having a rotten time. Some would probably argue this is their own fault and if they were nice to folk all would be well. But they are wicked witches and that would be silly and ruin a good fairytale, and witches do love a good fairytale and will often turn up for no good reason what so ever.

Now it just so happens that one day the Wicked Witch of the Woods met the princess as she was riding through the woods heading no where in particular and the witch told the princess she had put a terrible spell on all the handsome princes in all the kingdom. And that if the princess wanted to meet her husband to be (as princesses have a habit of doing in fairy tales) she would need to kiss every frog she saw . . . .  (Obviously because the wicked witch had turned the handsome prince into a frog). Only it was a lie; the wicked witch had not turned any princes into frogs and the witch left laughing hysterically as witches do.

Well from that day onward the Princess went around looking for frogs kissing every single one she found much to the embarrassment of the King and Queen who kept introducing all the best princes to the princess as prospective husbands, but to no avail as she was convinced that Mr Right (the prince) was in fact a frog.

In the end out of desperation the King offered half his kingdom to anyone who could stop the princess kissing all the damn frogs, by now she had started a breeding program and there were frogs everywhere. Well on hearing this, a passing minstrel said he could do this that very night, but he insisted that he also got to marry the princess. The King agreed as by now many many wizards, knights, mathematicians and every prince in the land had tried and failed to stop the princess kissing frogs.

As night fall arrived the young Minstrel slipped into his Pantomime Frog outfit he used for his Christmas play and went and sat among the bulrushes at the edge of the royal lake. So it was that a short time later the princess on her nightly quest to find frogs spotted him. . . . OOOOOoooo you are big. . .  she said and gave him a big kiss, as she did so the minstrel unzipped the Pantomime frog suit and leapt out.  . . . OOOOOoooo you are big . . . . Said the princess and the very next day they were married and lived happily ever after

O NO they didn’t

O yes they did

O No they Didn’t . . . (continuing the pantomime theme a bit longer).

So . .  O yes they DID.

Well actually they did not, you see the princess it appeared rather liked kissing frogs all the time and insisted the poor minstrel dress up as a frog each night. The pair of them then leapt and frolicked about in a large lake chirping and croaking and various other things that should not be mentioned in a children’s fairytale.   Well this was all very exciting for the princess, but the poor old minstrel now a prince decided it was all a bit strange so he ran off and was never seen again. . . Although it is said he got a job as a pantomime dame in the west end and married Peter Pan (who is a woman. . . Yes I don’t know why Peter Pan is always a woman either).

As for the Princess she is happy in her palace breeding rare frogs and still kissing them just in case. I will not got into the details of Bath Night . . . . 

And the Wicked Witch of the Woods lived happily ever after, well someone has too this is a fairy tale its tradition

O No she didn’t

O Yes She did. . . . . . You see it’s my fairytale so . . . . YA SUCKS BOO.    

AH NO. . . . actually she didn’t



  1. I think the last two posts should contain the words 'mild parental advisory warning,' Mr Z. It's all getting a bit saucy in here. Stop nicking my role!!

    1. I blame the government it is all their fault if you ask me. . . Well one in particular is behind it all.