Tuesday, 8 September 2015

How to be a successful writer. . . An Easy to Follow Short Guide.

The world of blogging or to be more accurate my world of blogging has hit a brick wall as it appears everyone except the very very hardiest have run off to read the blogs of other folk. I am not sure why this has happened it is all very strange indeed. But I am not downhearted as it gives me an incentive to explore the minds of those folk who have run off elsewhere, in what will probably be a futile effort to make then return and read things again. Well maybe read just the one post and then run off again.

So what is it that will turn the eye of a hardened blogger?  Well as has been mentioned recently by Miss Lily one of the main subjects that bloggers flock to like moths to a lamp post (something I either blogged about or was in my head to write about and I forgot?), is how to write a book. Not just any book though, but a highly successful book that folk will buy in their millions making the writer a wealth person, allowing then to sit in book shops signing books or better still write a blog about how to write a  successful book.

The principles are fundamentally easy so it is possible to miss out the whole write a successful book bit, I mean Einstein’s Physics teacher did not write Einstein’s Principles of Physics but without his teachers he would have become a train driver or something like that. So it is that I can tell you exactly what you need to do to be that successful writer.

Firstly a good book and a successful book may not exactly be the same, sounds odd but sadly very true. Let’s face it Fifty Shades of Grey might have been successful but many have said it written rather badly. . . . I do not know as I have never read it.  It is the sort of book I have no interest in reading, and this is the next rather important point, certain types of book attract more readers that others. Adult romantic fiction is read by huge numbers of women around the world and I guess a percentage of men. Books like Harry Potter appealed too many from teenagers to adults and still does (written rather well), and wizards and Magic are again a subject that is very popular. There is also science fiction, period drama and various mixes of the lot. So pick your target audience with care, appealing to gay unicyclists who love cats if fine and you might write a brilliant book that will be bought by 99% of your target audience, but if that target audience is small then you can kiss success goodbye unless someone thinks HANG ON a film about gay unicyclists who love cats, now that has legs . . . . . . . (and a wheel).

Another important point is editing. You will need a well edited book (I never edit stuff COS), it is not for the readers, but for the publishers. Publishers are a funny lot who will say things like O he wrote there not their or where not we’re or wear or so on and so on. I mean most readers like a good story, and life in reality is not edited and folk write and talk badly in life, but publishers just don’t like it so to get published you need to play the game and write proppper like what I did (sorry doo).

Remember adding some graphic sex and sweaty bodies that heave and have huge yearning swollen parts appears to help loads but not in children’s books, and anyway there are only so many things you can do with a can of squirty cream and a pair of bicycle clips, although it might help if you are appealing to those gay unicyclists who love cats, they are little terrors you know when they are not on their unicycles chasing the cats about with a tin of pilchards.

My final tip is what ever you do, do not write like me or it will all end it a terrible melodrama with Zombies chasing you, and JK Rowling and Steven Spielberg telling you to GO AWAY AND TAKE THOSE PESKY SEAGULLS WITH YOU.

So there you have it everything you ever needed to know about how to write a successful book and all entirely free in one small-ish blog post. . . . 

Yes I'm sorry . . . .  this is a child friendly blog and I have left you having an awkward conversation trying to explain what bicycle clips are for. 


  1. I've always said that you should publish your blog as an e-book.

    The world is crying out for a sideways look on life and I am genuinely sure that you could make a few pennies from reaching out to the wider world.

    That being said, may I add, from personal experience that buggering off and not writing anything doesn't help.
    Nor does having dog that wakes himself up when he farts.
    This may cause much merriment and laughter in your house but it does mean that you (by you I mean ME) forget what you were going to write about and have to rely on doing that thing about Star trek that you (me again) knows nobody is interested in but you have nothing else to write about because your (um... my) life is very boring and adventureless....

    Doing the exact opposite of these things is sure to guarantee a top ten best seller.... because I have never had nothing but cramp in my fingers.

    1. Mr H I think in may ways most peoples lives are the same, unless like the poor old refugees life turns to chaos. We all have to do the everyday things of life. I just try to make mine look a little more interesting than it is in my blog. OK yes there are banshees in the woods and I have battled the odd zombie or men with guns in the night shooting at little furry critters. Ooooooo yes and other stuff like that period I was in a deep muddy hole I spent a lot of time in that, but it was not exciting or interesting in any way.

      As for the e-book I am sort of reluctant after my rather interesting Album on CD did not go like hot cakes meaning I have rather a lot of them in the garage. And I am getting old these days and the brain is a bit dodgy.

  2. Hi human, Rob,

    I'm liking your pawy, um, handy tips of writing and pawblishing or is it publishing.

    The only rules for writing are there an no rules. Yep and to hell with editing. Your writing is surreal and I bet you sometimes reread your own stuff and wonder what the heck you just wrote.

    Pawsitive wishes,


    1. Well Hello Penny, you are as always very kind and you are not entirely wrong I do sometimes wonder what it is all about and what made me write it in the first place. I blame the Indian spirit guide who helps me. He is great but has not got the hang of typing yet and id demanding a more buffalo based story line.

  3. Huge yearning swollen parts? I think you've just given Ms E.L. James (50 shades) a run for her money. Though to be fair, a circus chimp could have written that book and much better.

    1. Circus chimps and Gay Unicyclists who are cat lovers, this book is going to appeal to a niche market indeed. All it needs now is a dwarf human cannonball and its target audience will be as little as one.