It was only yesterday that I was
saying that I would easily win this year’s icicle contest at the local fete in
August and already today I have had a disaster, after a great start at
breakfast where the icicles were award winning size and I was dreaming of the
gold rosette and my prize money of 25 pence. You never enter a village fete
contest in Britain
to win your fortune, it all about the glory of beating Old Fred up the road who
has won for the last twenty five years using his secret manure, a recipe handed
down over millions of years.
So there I was proudly watching
my prize winning icicles when they were struck by a change in the weather which
caused an outbreak of thaw, it was terrible within a time frame of less that an
hour they had all vanished. Even as I ate breakfast they were falling and
smashing on the ground. My only thought was what would Old Fred do, so I phoned
him, I thought he is not a nasty old malicious grumpy bloke who would stoop to
low underhand tactics to ensure he always wins the icicle contest at the local
fete. So I explained to Old Fred what had started to happen and there was a
long silence then hysterical laughter and then we got cut off. I don’t know
what happened, I tried ringing back straight away but there was no answer.
An hour or so later Old Fred
called round to say he was just popping in to make sure my icicles were gone,
and then said how terrible it was before he wondered off again. I was planning
to ask how he managed to save his but by then he was laughing hysterically
again and pointing at a clean empty gutter devoid of icicles. I am not sure that Old Fred has entered into
the spirit of village life in quite they way I was told the locals did.
In other news I
have dismantled the art class wall today as part of a piece of performance art,
the art teacher said he wanted to see something new and innovative, not just
another picture to hang on the wall painted in cheap school water colours. But
then he got called away because his dad who it turned out was called Old Fred
had chocked on a Sherbet Bon Bon while telling Mrs Old Fred about an
unfortunate incident in the village that he thought was highly amusing, but
sucking a Sherbet Bon Bon while laughing and waving your hands about is not a
good idea.
So while Young
Fred the art teacher was off giving Old Fred the heinrich maneuver we were left
to fend for ourselves. And we all thought if we dismantled the art class if
would be a brilliant piece of conceptual art and Young Fred would not have to
worry about hanging up all those dodgy pictures of the school goat ever again.
As it happened Young Fred did not get back to school until after our class had
finish art and was in the Maths class. But it appears he was unable to find his
class and when he went to see the Headmaster the Headmaster shouted a lot.
Young Fred did ask us if we had seen his class but Esmeralda told him that it
had thawed . . . . . . . . .HA HAHHAH HAH Hah ah hhahhaahha ah hhah ha hah
ahhah ah ahhah hahahhah
.
For some reason I can not open yesterdays post (?) my laptop is refusing to work properly in this cold weather (and my fingers are giving up as well) - but I will say this "MORE ICICLES!!!" see i said i would say it!
ReplyDeleteI've had enough of this winter weather now. I'm sure the clocks go forward this weekend.. or is it next? I'm too confused to know. How are you managing to get inside your house with those Indiana Jones style death traps dangling down? You are a brave child of cyberspace Rob! :O)
They really did vanish one hour after breakfast, what was weird is it still felt rather cold even though the snow was melting as fast as it was.
DeleteIt is this weekend we move the clocks so it means I loose an entire hour and will be jet lagged for days yet again. I really wish we could leave the clocks alone, what must the rest of the world think.
I think "A Million Years of Secret Manure" would make a good title for a book. Not sure which would be best, a fiction or biography.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a spy thriller
DeleteAh icicles, the perfect murder weapon in my opinion...not that I'm thinking of murdering anyone...though actually, I could murder a cup of tea right now.
ReplyDeleteAnd whatever happened to community spirit? Old Fred doesn't seem very sportsman-like. :)
I'm sure the icicle as a murder weapon has been used in a film, I have some recollection of John Wayne and a yeti fighting a dinosaur as they try to catch a huge gorilla on top of a tall building.
DeleteAs for community spirit, we are talking village fêtes.
I bet my icicles were longer than yours. But they crashed to the ground too with a whole lot of snow from the roof and we couldn’t even get out of the door.
ReplyDeleteNext time you see old Fred tell him here at Valley’s End we are all much nicer and we won’t let mean old souls like him in, ever again. Back to the war between B.C. and V.E.!
Apparently there is an epidemic of thaw about at present even Old Fred has suffered. Young Fred said it has hit him very hard and he is half the man he used to be.
DeleteNormally Old Fred would be very nice but a lifetime of local village fêtes can affect the mind.
I bet VE day in VE was a bit confusing