Monday, 22 September 2014
Can Zombies Ride Bicycles. . . . . . . . (PART 3).
The argument continues to rage about whether a Zombie can ride a bicycle or not, when I say rage I am in fact lying but it sounds good. You see the public are apathetic about things, this stuff is important, imagine you are trying to outrun a Zombie and then you find they are chasing you on a bicycle. It is going to make a difference to your escape plan and may involve more stairs and leaps across difficult open voids.
Anyway I thought I need to prove this with an experiment; experiments are one of the things that separate man from beast. You never see a Lion with a clipboard, wearing a white coat watching a line of test tubes as they skip across the Serengeti . . . . . OK yes you might but only the clever ones, you lot must stop nit picking. . . .
Now as it happens yesterday was the local village Harvest Lunch where the village get together and we all eat loads of food (jolly good food it is too), I would have mentioned it yesterday but I was dealing with the big question of the moment. But it also attracts all the little old ladies out of the woodwork. This is good because if you are planning to do an experiment with Zombies it is best to use something less dangerous than a Zombie but in terms of how it moves about and does things is very similar to a Zombie; a Zombie substitute. Well what better than little old ladies they have many Zombies attributes in terms of physical presence and ability and are slightly less dangerous inasmuch as they don’t try and eat your brain, they merely hit it with umbrellas (the pointy stick of that generation).
Anyway after bribing them with Sweet Sherry, Rich Tea Biscuits and a signed photo of Mr Ken Dodd I was able to get one or two of them to attempt to ride a bicycle. And it proved once and for all that a Zombie would definitely be able to ride a bike although steering it would be a bit erratic, this did cause some issues on the main road during the experiment when passing motorists had to veer a lot into hedges. And I did discover that one of the main issues, one worth remembering if you are ever pursued by a Zombie on a bicycle is they can’t stop very well.
One interesting extra thing the experiment showed is that Little Old Ladies can swear like troopers or worse than a trooper I would say. Luckily most of the words were unknown strange country words that are seldom used and things would have been fine had not the curiosity of the vicar not got the better of him. As it happens we had two vicars for the Harvest Lunch and we have all learnt many new words, words that the vicars will never get to use. I did tell the vicars that Zombies did not use such terrible language but are more likely the rip their arms off and eat their brains.
Apparently vicars don't like Zombies or little old ladies on bicycles so they left. But I have proved my case. Zombies Can Ride Bicycles, and having now crushed the NO Voters I can move on to another important Question of our time.
Should you have an important Question of our Time why not consider proposing it . . . I am after all a professional blogger now with a blog . . . . . . . . . .