Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Fifteen ferrets a chainsaw and a zombie and a shopping centre..
We are all starting to go down with a cold at home so there is much groaning that means we sound like zombies which is cool, we are walking a bit like zombies too which is sort of OK but I am not feeling well enough to make the most of my present natural zombie state which is not so good.
At school . . . . . . I still have to go and do stuff until the cold becomes full in your face Man Flu then I will be allowed to lie and groan from the confines of my bed, as us men need to do when Man Flu is at its worst. But for now as I said I am off doing stuff, but in a zombie sort of way.
The Humanities teacher took us all to Shrewsbury today to do a survey on the shopping habits of the average shopper when under the stress of the impending shopping Armageddon know to all in the Western world as Christmas.
I was teamed up with Freddie and Esmeralda for the survey mainly because me and Freddie can control Esmeralda a bit and stop her trying to drill holes in the heads of shoppers refusing to do our survey. However I have a cold and was being confused for a zombie, Esmeralda was waving her new interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment at shoppers and Freddie had brought fifteen ferrets with him that were a bit frisky and were leaping about all over the place.
So it turned out that shoppers were trying to avoid us, to get round this we tried to get them cornered by deactivating the lifts in the shopping centre and using Freddie’s ferrets as sheep dogs (only rounding up unsuspecting shoppers). If only Freddie’s ferrets had been a little less enthusiastic, but I think the smell of that Marks and Spencer’s Christmas cake was the point that they sort of got carried away. Then Esmeralda with her chainsaw attachment at full throttle trying to sharpen her pencil resulting in her cutting a jar of raspberry jam in half which sprayed bright red jam all over the walls, started the riot. It appears the public thought that the raspberry jam was blood and that the ferrets were then eating the blood, and that there was a zombie staggering about covered in blood (raspberry jam) that was in turn being eaten by man eating ferrets (they were just licking the jam off me). Esmeralda was determined that someone was going to answer questions so was chasing the crowd through the centre but the jam had jammed (jam had jammed HAHH HAHAHHAHh hahah hahha hah hhah hah ha) her new interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment at full throttle so it was very noisy and I was unable to chase her to get her to stop screaming exterminate exterminate exterminate at shoppers.
Unknown to Esmeralda, myself, Freddie or his ferrets, just round the corner at the exit of the shopping centre was the rest of the school group and the humanities teacher who were having much more luck with the survey. Well right up to the point when at least two thousand demented shoppers bust though the automatic doors slipping on the floor by the sign saying beware slippery floor. It was at that point that they got a little trampled on and lost the grip of their survey results which then drifted in the wind towards the river.
The Humanities teacher told the headmaster that the shoppers were out of control and that Christmas shopping is no place for sane rational people and she plans to do all her shopping online and has sent a letter to parents advising them to do the same. Me, Esmeralda and Freddie are keeping quiet particularly as the raspberry jam ruined all the CCTV coverage. So as long as the story does not appear on the internet we are home and dry . . . . . . . . . AH ……. DAMN. Mum has just said IDIOT