Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Lester Livingstone . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Lester Livingstone

As a professional poker player Lester Livingstone was always looking for an edge to give him an advantage over his fellow players on the professional circuit.  And after reading the rules in detail realized that there was one rule that had been completely overlooked by the official body in charge of the professional gaming rules for poker. 

It appeared to Lester that there was nothing in the rules to say that a man could only have two arms. In fact the more Lester thought about this, the idea of a man having more than two arms appeared to have many advantages.  So he invented the Livingstone Limbs which doubled the number of arms a man could have to a very useful four.  And as a card player he was able to shuffle cards in ways that no one had ever thought of before, confusing his opponents to such a degree that they lost concentration and would lose.

It also meant Lester could tie his shoes and put his hat on at the same time, drive his horseless carriage and read the newspaper as well as a huge host of other useful activities that were thought to be beyond the skills of the average Victorian Gentleman.

His down fall however was his showing off and while juggling fifteen axes for a bet he had a terrible accident.

His final word as he lay on his death bed a few hours later has gone down in history and is often uttered by many folk even to this day in a similar situation.

AAAAauuuuuuugggHHHHH. . . . .  

Interestingly two years ago today I wrote of another death in the real world where a certain person was stabbed in the back with a lot of sharp implements so I thought bearing in mind the timing and the forthcoming Election here in Britain I would add my little tale to the days letter L. I know its all very long now but there is no need t read it if it is not of interest.

A long long time ago back in the days of the Roman Empire there was a small country called Britaintium, it was a strange little country split in two by a huge wall, one side of the wall was called the Right and the other the Left. Just occasionally someone would stand on the wall in the middle but everyone would throw rocks at them and laugh.
Britainium had always been controlled by the Right because they were wealthy and had the Bankors and the famed Financial Wizards to keep the armies of the Left suppressed. But the Left found a hero called Athurious Scargilious who with his fanatical army of Minors laid siege to the grand castle of the Rights power house. The Right was frightened and for a while did not know what to do, but then they found a new champion called Maggium Thatchosismad who led her army of Financial Wizards and Bankors into a terrible blood thirsty battle against the brave (by mad) Athurious Scargilious and his Minors, the battle raged for many many months but at the end of it most of the Minors were dead or wounded and Athurious Scargilious was a broken man and would never lead his troups to victory ever again.

Some thought that Maggium Thatchosismad should give the Left an olive branch to heal the wounds and unite Britainium, but Maggium Thatchosismad turned the olive branch into a crown as worn by the Roman leaders and declared herself Emperor of Britainium. She then gave more power to the Bankors and the Wizards of Finance, and crushed the Left in order to destroy it for ever. But she became even more power mad and would crush decent even from her followers on the Right so a plot was hatched and one day as she was playing a fiddle on the steps of the grand parliament a group of Senators ran up and stabbed Maggium Thatchosismad in the back.

Maggium Thatchosismad was confused and distraught, her dynasty that she thought would last a thousand years was over in a mere handful. She retired into obscurity and a new leader was elected called, I Major or I Claudius as his friends called him. The Wizards and Bankors rubbed their hands and bathed in the gold and wealth of Britainium until one day it all went horribly wrong and the Bankers had to say . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN; still I have always got my ceremonial golden hand, that’s worth a few pounds. . . .PHEW.

Then Maggium Thatchosismad died and the Right all said What a Great Leader, best we have ever had, forgetting that they had stabbed her in the first place, and the Left celebrated with bacon butty’s and threw the last lump of coal in Britainium at the grave of Maggium Thatchosismad.


  1. He sounds like a truly fascinating guy, and those are some terrific last words.

    Good luck with the A to Z Challenge!
    S. L. Hennessy

    1. It is a very popular word and one I use often when I am doing work around the house like making doors putting up shelves and knocking walls down. . . . . I sometimes shout it at the cats as well when they attempt to torture me into giving them more food.

      A to Z's are easy enough, but visitors are few down at the bottom end of the list where we skulk about in dark caves poking at spiders and other small beasts hiding in the recesses. OK it might just be me doing that and everyone else is out in the sun chatting and eating hot-dogs saying . . . . . .What happened to the weird chap, the one with the pointy stick. . . . . . .

  2. I just wanted to drop by and say that I'm enjoying your A to Z entries.

    1. Many thanks, It is good that folk enjoy them. I do my best although I only have limited time, cant type or spell and tend to keep my eyes closed a lot

      Thanks for calling by.

  3. I'm still trying to work out 'horseless carriage.'

    I don't remember learning about that last part in Roman history classes. But I have heard tales of this Athurious Scargilious being a man of the people.

    1. Athurious Scargilious was indeed a man of the people but he was also a bit mad.

  4. I think the best place to be if your have lotza arms is to join the Army. Hahahahahaha, yet, how many times do you hear about octopi joining the military? Maybe they are doing it secretly. If lizard people are secretly in charge of the governments then it would make sense that octopi are in charge of the armies. They probably run the Legos company too, legs Legos, hahahahahaha

    1. We are on the brink of a General Election Mr ESB, it is a time where many Lizard People are appearing on television and offering us much gold and sunny days if we vote for them. However they have done this now for many hundreds of years and I still have no gold, but we do have some sunny days. I bet once we vote them all in again it will rain, it normally does. . . . . .

      I liked the Legos, maybe it could become on of those (h)armless running jokes . . . .

    2. Most humans don't even know about The Lizard People (TLP) so they don't realize that now suddenly there are reports surfacing in the TLP realm that there eXist Fungus People that are REALLY the masters of civilization and society, in control. Of course humans have no comprehension of this yet dogs and cats do.

    3. I saw a report from John Oliver on YouTube cabout how the UK elections had turned into an eating contest between the candidates. Candidate = candid ate, hahahahahahahaha (breathe) HAhahahaha