Friday, 24 April 2015
Uriah Useless . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers
Uriah Useless was a great inventor and has a long list of diverse machines and devices to his credit, but due to a cruel twist of fate his name is little known to the masses. A key reason for this is easily explained by one of his greatest inventions . . . . The Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit. You see despite his skills and knowledge he found it difficult to instil confidence in the users of his diving suit when blazoned across the front in large letters is the word USELESS. He was often advised to drop his own name from his inventions but as with many Victorian Gentlemen Inventors vanity dictated that he wanted his name up there for all to see.
However like many of the inventors of the day he was a wealthy man and inventing was something of an interesting pastime, something to have long discussions about back in the eminent surroundings of the very exclusive Preposterous Club of Great Britain, founded by the right Honourable Arnold Alexander Axle Armstrong-Atlas. It was at the Preposterous Club where Uriah Useless first heard of a ship called the Nautilus which he was told was at the bottom of the sea with the famous French writer Joules Verne trapped inside. He immediately set off to save him using his Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit but of course the Nautilus was not a real vessel.
When Uriah Useless returned to the Preposterous Club of Great Britain he became aware that it was all a practical joke by Benjamin Braithwaite Browning and there was much sniggering behind his back. However he got his revenge as a witness in the trial of Benjamin Braithwaite Browning but he never returned to the Preposterous Club and became a recluse in a Scottish castle where he apparently took to wearing a bicycle wheel on his head and talking to Puffins.