Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Llandudno. The Zombie Seagulls and The George Hotel
I have returned (OK yesterday afternoon) from my expedition North by what some would say was the pretty route or as the more rational among us like to call it, the long way. So where did we venture in our search for the source of the large great thing that folk have not found the source of yet. Well Llandudno a place where explorers seldom go hunting for things, which logically makes it a prime target to explore, logic dictates that you are more likely to find new things in a place where no one has looked for them. And it is plainly very clear that it has been some time since man looked for new things in Llandudno.
Our first new discovery was a new breed of seabird; it was a seagull, not just any seagull though but one with very specific eating habits. It hammered away on windows until it was given Ginger Nuts which then appeased the ravenous beast who flew off only to return the following day at the same time. We have officially named the new breed of bird Seagullious Gingernutium Esmeralda after Esmeralda as it was a fearsome and scary beast that given half a chance would bite half your arm off, and it shouted a lot. We assume that it might be worshiped by the local Llandudnoians as we did notice they sold three Zombie Gingerbread Men for a pound and had many images of Zombies in Shop Windows.
Our search for the source of the large great thing did not go well until the second evening when a huge ship was hauled through town on a big caterpillar tracked device accompanied by men in orange seafaring equipment. We would not have noticed had it not been for the fact that all the buildings shook and there was a loud low rumbling that sent little old ladies scampering in all directions for cover. There are many little old ladies in Llandudno.
Having concluded that this strange ritual must be connected to our search we set off the following morning in our final bid for glory after a hearty breakfast at base camp (the George Hotel . . . Well Posh) following in the tracks (in more ways than one) of the huge ship. As we did we noticed many little old ladies heading towards M&S and discretely followed as they looked like they could be heading towards the source of the thing we were seeking and interestingly none of the windows of M&S were full of zombies or skeletons which was suspicious. As we followed this lost tribe of little old ladies up the escalator to the first floor they spoke in a strange tongue, some sort of strange Welsh language.
Following them through the 50% sale rails and towards the café we suddenly found ourselves in a clearing and at the elusive Source of the Aisle. We cheered and raised our flag, a skull and crossbones purchased in a local shop and made of genuine plastic. Our mission complete we returned to base camp and ate afternoon cream tea and watched Zombie Seagulls pecking at the heads of passing joggers on the promenade. It’s their own fault there are signs saying beware of the seagulls.
This is very funny indeed if you have not seen it.