Saturday, 25 April 2015

Professor Venomous Voldemort . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Professor Venomous Voldemort

A strange character with few friends and a way about him that quite frankly scared the heebie jeebies out of even the hardiest of folk. He claimed to have invented the very first intelligent machine, the Voldemort Valuator Device. However there were many who argued that an intelligent machine can not have the brain of a human being in a glass jar attached to electrodes as the source of its intelligence. Professor Venomous Voldemort himself argued that he only used a small part of a human and the rest of his device used Electro-mechanicals and chemistry to operate and was therefore an intelligent machine.

One of Professor Venomous Voldemort’s main problems was that the police kept confiscating the machines brain and after they had confiscated five of them were starting to get suspicious. This led to Professor Voldemort having to use the brain of a cat he found in a box in order to do his first demonstrations in the Royal Observatory.

Which in turn resulted in several unforeseen circumstances?

1           It kept losing at chess very badly, but then cats are not good at chess.
2          The device took one look at the buffet for the invited members of the science world and promptly tried to bury all the food

3          It was prone to sulk and would sit with its back to the eminent scientific audience

4          The Royal Observatory at the time was overrun with mice and when one ran through the great hall the device headed off at speed in pursuit. It was a device not designed for chasing mice and promptly fell over spilling the cats brain onto the floor, reducing the machines ability to think by a substantial margin.

However the world of science did show interest and in particular Professor Frankenstein and Professor Venomous Voldemort collaborated on several projects involving artificial intelligence and cats.  None of which ended well . . . . . He was last seen being pursued by a large crowd of villagers with fiery torches heading towards a central European castle.  


  1. Hang on Voldemort I know that name was not he in Harry Potter.

    Yes they nicked the name from the Victorian Inventor

    Are you sure


    Look nothing personal but these stories of yours are not entirely real are they.

    Yes they are.

    Look I dont think the Victorians went around putting cats brains in glass jars and turning them into intelligent machines.

    So are you saying that you dont think cats are intelligent.

    That is not what I said, it was all this putting brains in glass jars.

    The Victorians did that all the time

    True but they did not turn them into some sort of Monster

    Yes they did what about Frankenstein s Monster

    Well firstly its not a real monster

    WHAT. . . you are kidding me.

    No its all made up, a book a film or a play

    WHAT that is terrible what is a chap to believe

    And secondly it did not have a cats brain

    Are you sure



    So you nicked the Voldemort name from Harry Potter then

    Maybe . . . a bit.

  2. I'm beginning to worry about you Mr Z. Time to take your medication methinks.

    1. Hey that Miss Lily reckons you are mad

      That's mad

      What? . . . dont you start.

      No not me the idea.

      I think you need to take your medication

      I'm not sure this A to Z is going quite as planned.

      Tell me about it.

      Well I think it started When you h . . .

      No dont tell me, I'm off.

  3. Perhaps instead of using a cat brain he could have used a mice-roprocessor.

    1. That's a good idea Mr ESB and you could get two of them in one jar to create a Dual Core mice-roprocessor.

    2. I am not sure that two mice can think two-gether, if they fought aLL the time it would be a Duel Don't Care Mice-roprocessor, which could be tremendously inefficient. BUT...Three Blind Mice Brains might work if they couldn't see each other. Try Pull Try Angle Brain Trust Twist, I would think proper orientation could be the critical factor, so that when each mouse spoke its sound passed evenly between the other two, vocal chords.

    3. Would a mice-roprocessor based Intelligent machine be controlled using a mouse. . . . A HAH AHah ah AH ah ah ah ah a haha ha hah ah a ha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha h aha ha

    4. You are more than 100 per scent correct!!!! Hahahahahaha