Wednesday, 14 May 2014

N is for Nonsense, Newts and the Northwest Passage (a history lesson about Great British explorers)

A tale of a Great British explorer, and What makes us Brits Great.

Many Moons ago . . . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans.  Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like nodding dogs in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)…. 

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was the the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola  and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow,  Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes.  But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I am a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack I am looking for the very rare Blind Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt that lives in the caves. I wish to return to Britain with many Breeding pairs to save the species for mankind. Can you help me meet some

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I am Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, Completely organic; I have lived in the caves of Britain eating Pears and Bread and the occasional newt. I have spent all my life on a natural diet. I would like to come with you so you can eat some of me.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again.  Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . Well a nod is as good as a winky to a blind Newt


  1. Replies
    1. Interestingly they were the last things eaten by the Nip Nip Tribe . . . . . . HA HAHAHHAH AH HA HAH AH HA HA HAH ha ah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha haha

    2. Wait ... what? I got confused and now I h ave to s tart a ll o ver a gainst.

    3. I have neVer been to NotFoundLand in Can'tada but my friend Badger vacation near there last winter. Since it was a journey from Indiana I think it would have been a Northeast passage then a Southwest passage. I think there was copious ice involved but no can of nibbles. I think when we buy corn it is niblets in a frozen bag, corn niblets. That is close to cannibals. Now cannibals smoking cannibus shooting corn niblets instead of cannon balls would make the cover of the NRA magazine for sure, most likely their swumsuit edition.

    4. I am not entirely sure i want an extended magnification of a strange idea expanded by the mind of another into a stranger idea appearing on the cover of the NRA magazine unless it is the lesser known Newts Roaming America Magazine. Which ironically Sir Napier Winky Knapsack had a subscription for, and was where he first read about the Blind Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts.

    5. Newts Roaming America as the NRA? What or who else could would or should ever possess those hallowed letters in that ARraNgement? As far as hollowed, only the A and R have an enclosed or hollow point whereas the letter N looks longingly down the alphabet at O,P,Q,R and seeing S, its 90 degree curvy kin, thinking things could be worse. Then it iS s'ddenly fiLLed with rage at the thought of Newt Gingrich and his beetrayal. Oh, the rich of the newts, always being in Al's way.

      Somewhere in Antarctica one less snowflake faLLs than originaLLy scheduled.

  2. Hahaha! The Nip Nip and the Nap Nap tribe, I would love to spend the day in your head Mr Z, though I'm not sure if I would survive it.

    1. Miss Lily I dont really think these things up I just start typing with a few words in my head and my body is then taken over by the Ghost of an old chap called William Shakespeare who still has not mastered the qwerty keyboard yet and says he is fed up with serious stuff and is looking forward to the Nice Steven Spielberg stating on the block buster film . . . . . .

      A Newt, a Newt, My kingdom for a Newt.

  3. nearly unscathed???? Hahahahahaha I must remember that the next time some scathing gets done lol

    1. I think it is the way of life for most of us as we get old, and if we are one of the few lucky ones to be able to say . . . . . Well I made it through life nearly unscathed. . . . . . .