Friday, 9 May 2014

I is for Interesting Instructions of an Irregular type.

It appears that when someone leaves you a little note to remind you to do a particular task it is not a good idea to amuse yourself by modifying the instruction in case you forget that you modified it when you read it the following day. Let’s face it the very reason the note was left in the first place was because I tend to forget things.

So after waking up and waving my hair about in the shower and staggering about saying who am I, what day is it, where is my brain . . . . AH the Zombies have nicked my brain . . . . Eating some breakfast and then groaning loads in order to prove I am a Zombie. I noticed a note left for me to tell me what my task is today. So having read the task I decide I should do them in the order they have been written down. 

Instruction One: - Strim Cows

 WHAT? . . . . . . I don’t know what that is about but if I am left a note then I have always found it is best just to do what I are told, there was a time I would get distracted and go off and do other things and so the important jobs would get left.  But no longer I am a lean mean efficient fighting machine (sort of).  I am not sure if any of you have ever tried to strim a cow with a strimmer it is far from easy, in fact it is extremely hard. First off you need to get the flock (sorry herd) penned into the corner of a field and then fire up the strimmer and then charge at them in a random way to confuse them. If you are lucky you might get to strim the side of the odd cow as it stampedes past you, I will tell you right now cows do not like strimmers one bit.  Cows can shift I have always thought of cows as slow happy docile beasts with a happy go lucky attitude to life, oblivious of the fact they will be turned into dinner for the masses at some point.  Yes OK they did start making tunnels a long time ago, but that was the past, those cows have long since been char grilled and covered in sauce.

Cows it turns out (to get back to the point) can move rather quickly and it also appears that if annoyed enough say by a young enthusiastic chap with a strimmer can be a little aggressive. Well when I say little I really mean big; cows are big, very big.

So after a short time of chasing cows with a strimmer I found myself pursued by angered cows intent on revenge. This quickly led to a decision to abandon Instruction One and concentrate on Instruction two.

Instruction Two :- Pick Parsley

Well this was a piece of cake and done in a flash. It was only afterwards when I was asked Have you Strimmed the Cow Parsley at the top of the drive that I remembered I had slightly modified the note left for me . . . . . . . . Strim Cow Parsley . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

The good news, I now have, but the bad news is I don’t think the cows like me anymore. I have told them I don’t eat cows, but that has only lead to rumours and now the farmer does not like me either.      


  1. Hi Rob,
    Good to be here,
    I am for the first time
    Sad to say that the background and the bright letters here driving me back to other pages, I am so sorry to say this, may be my age tempting me to run away from here, but still I want to say this you like it or not I am sorry my eyes are straining!!!
    Have a wonderful weekend
    Best Regards
    ~Philip Ariel

    1. Bright letters WHAT? they are sort of whitish. . . Well I think they are whitish on purple background and every sequin was sown on by hand. I do agree age is an issue, I am a rather mad old bloke and us old folk like our bright colours, its not easy to be a grumpy old bloke and the slightly eccentric child of cyberspace as well, with his subtle charm and stunning good looks, razor sharp wit and dress sense. Sorry to hear you are running away but a brisk walk should suffice as my ability to run myself is to put it bluntly rubbish, due to a man doing bad stuff to my feet with a large metal object with wheels at each corner many years ago.

      I will say, you do know how to put the cat among the pigeons in terms of comments, maybe the world sees me (the blog) entirely different to how I see myself.

      I will try and have a wonderful weekend although it is due to rain a lot.

      All the best in your hunt for less colourful blogs

      and I will refrain from being tempted to say . . . . . Stayed tuned in for further adventures. . . . . . . . DAMN I typed that didn't I

  2. I am sure that you wiLL do things exstrimly weLL, knowing you. I am fixing to go outside where there are a huge number of cows. That may sound confusing as there are no cows anywhere close by, I just meant that there are a bunch of cows (millions of them) outside and that I am going outside too. Actually there are 454 grams of buffalo, The Almost Cow, in my refrigerator just a few feet away and when I go outside I wiLL stiLL be almost the eXact same distance away from the buffalo, as I am currently east of the buffalo and then later on be west of it. Which reminds me that I discovered yesterday that Buffalo NY is the second largest city in New York state with a population much smaller than a million people which I thought was odd. It is slightly larger than Amarillo TX and I think Amarillo is only the 14th largest city in Texas.

    1. I am thinking that even though you told the cows that you didn't eat them that maybe the cows had no idea that anyone anywhere at anytime whatsoever had ever eaten a cow. So now armed with this gnu knowledge cows may revolt and charge thinking of humans the way humans think of zoombies, initiating an acowpauseclips in the meat packing industry tickle down theory ad nauseum collapse of society as we gnow it.

    2. This was exactly what was in my mind Mr ESB, I don't think anyone has actually told the cows before that the reason we are nice to them is so we (not me) can eat them.

      Powys is the largest County in Wales and the second largest in the England and Wales and has a total population of about 200, 000 so a million to me is like loads of folk. OK I live just in Shropshire these days but in a village with a population of about 150 or so on a good day.

  3. Yes. Pick the cows. Like a guitar. Or strum. You can also strum cows. You were supposed to play the cows, like a musical instrument. I believe Mozart wrote a lovely cowchestra in D minor.

    1. I must admit I have heard of Cow Horns, Maybe playing Cows is a Jazz thing.
      Sort of . . . . . .

      MAN those Cows are like HOT Man. . . sizzling

    2. Dig that crazy bovine sound.

  4. Oh also. I would like to tell the earth that I'm a RAT. "Say it loud, I'm a RAT and proud." Where is my badge?

    1. Sorry Mr Flip I will be on the case pronto.