Friday, 13 May 2016

Poetry for a Astronaut Correspondence Course

Kenny Varty was an ASTRONAUT
Or so it was, that Kenny Varty THOUGHT
As he had completed his
Astronaut correspondence COURSE
From a Russian Chap
Named after a famous HORSE
And he even had a diploma, it was big and BLUE
With a picture on it
Of Yuri Gagarin, Laika and an Alien or TWO
But when he applied to NASA
To say he had his diploma and
There was no need for him to TRAIN
They laughed and pointed
And said Kenny Varty
Was almost certainly quite INSANE.
Well that is not the sort of thing
A chap from the suburbs is going to TAKE
So he decided a Rocket was something 
He was going to MAKE
For weeks he worked away, in his SHED
And made a rocket, that was big and RED
Then in early July 1969 Kenny Varty set off
On his trip up to the MOON
The Launch accompanied by a local brass band
Who played a cheery upbeat TUNE
Neil Armstrong though was not happy
When he saw Kenny Varty wave and NOD
From outside the NASA lunar landing POD
And when Kenny Varty got back home
He thought he would ring up Neil on the telephone
But of course NASA claimed that Neil was FIRST
And said Kenny Varty was mad and plainly CURSED
But Kenny Varty was happy
Because he KNEW
He had beaten Neil by at least a day or TWO
And regardless of official history
There was nothing
Neil Armstrong could ever SAY
That would make the image of Kenny Varty
Waving outside the lunar lander
Ever Go AWAY

Which is why I am doing
My Astronaut correspondence course
So I can beat the chaps at NASA . . . . . . . . . .  
And hang about in popular Astronaut friendly BARS
And tell all
That I was the first

And this is why Neil Armstrong seldom spoke about his trip to the moon. And also the reason that the popular Astronaut correspondence course has increased in price rather a lot, although a refund is available after proof of a successful space mission.  


  1. Just as soon as I saw the picture of the moon-stronaut I immediately thought word, 'harlequin', but I had to go look it up to confirm the meaning. I never use the word so I have no idea when or why I learned that word.

    1. I dont know anyone who uses the word harlequin but it is a word we all know. . . . Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye. I wonder how many other words we all know that we never use are about. I'm sure I have not used the word transfixed in a while. . . AH DAMN I just have DAMN.

    2. I am in the middle of getting my transmission fixed on my '98 Lincoln, so I guess I am being transfixed right now. I think it would have got fixed before the weekend eXcept the shop owner's son was sick at least one day this week, so that put them behind.

    3. Oh! I suddenly remembered something about yesterday that will be of interest to my paper cutting friend Rob Z Tobor. I finally got my Roland GX-24 vinyl cutting machine to accurately cut cardstock paper with both simple and intricate designs. My wife was making some layered designs of multiple colored progressively pieces of paper that were being turned into name tags for a party. I also did some printing on the card stock before cutting it. I will get some photos before the product is picked up by the customer tomorrow.

    4. Typo: "progressively smaller pieces"

    5. Damn I just deleted my entire comment with a bit of miss-typing O well . . . .DAMN. The work with the paper sounds interesting, cutting paper does tend to blunt things very quickly indeed, but it all sounds very interesting.

      And good luck with the 98 Lincoln I rather liked the 78 Lincoln continental but I dont think it is well suited to British roads, just a bit big.

  2. I thought it was that group from the 80s 'The Police' who were the first to walk on the moon. If not, then they should be reported immediately to Trading Standards for their lies and deceit. Poor Varty. First 'The Police,' then Neil Armstrong. It seems that his place in history was never meant to be.

    1. I think I know how he feels as I dont think I have quite worked out my own place in history, but I might find one yet. Although I hope to avoid the ten o'clock news in achieving it.