The GUILD of GROTESQUES AND GARGOYLES

10 years ago this was my first-ish A to Z. A time when I wrote a diary in a rather distinctive style as the eccentric child of cyberspace . . . . . I say first-ish because I did a practice run in March 2012 so I sort of did it twice.

A little Mad but then doing the A to Z can drive a chap mad. 

Anyway 10 years where did that go Phew. 

The Letter G

As we know Mr GRAHAM the art teacher very kindly got right in to the spirit of the letter “G” way back on the 8^th march, when we all made Giant Garden Gnomes and painted them in Grey Gouache and by the end we had a large Group of assorted Grey Giant Garden Gnomes. And although these GIANT Garden Gnomes saved us from the Ghouls and Ghosts they have since been gathering dust as garbage in the garage. It could have been a gruesome and grizzly end to a generations (My generation) great art.

Mr. graham however is a bit of a Guru a gifted and generous guardian of grand gothic artistic goals. So has given dad the grey gouache giant garden gnomes as a gift for The guild of grotesques and gargoyles. The guild of grotesques and gargoyles gather once a month at the Golden Goose Inn on the village Green, drinking gallons of grog, and eating Gateau and game pie. Inviting guests to give governance to their own grand plans in order to get grants from the guild.

For the annual get together and gathering where the Grand Grumpy (the honorary leader) of The guild of grotesques and gargoyles is elected Dad is powering the  GIANT GARDEN GNOMES with sophisticated  Geo-gravitational gyroscopically generated engines and guidance systems. Enabling them to glide gracefully over the village green in a gracious ghostly dance.   

It has transpired however that the Godzilla is Great Appreciation society is also holding their annual event on the Village green on the same day (tomorrow) and so Dad says he plans to fit gleaming 18mm Gatling Guns to the GIANT GARDEN GNOMES to gun down Godzila. The rest of The guild of grotesques and gargoyles are not sure that is a good idea. But as dad says it will liven up the usually rather dull give away local Gazette which is full of Gibberish.

This Grand Battle of Giants will take place on the village green tomorrow. Sadly (for you) my day off from the A to Z so none of you will ever know the outcome …….. HAH AHAHHAH HAH HAHH Hah hah hah hahh haha haha hahahahaha ha hahaha

Talking of Gibberish mum says Idiot …………..Ah no she has just made a gesture instead. 

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The GUILD of GROTESQUES and GARGOYLES. (Part two)
(originally posted on a Sunday)

These A to Z people are a bunch of wimps, days off indeed. Now some of you may want to know what happened today at the great battle between the 200 foot (high not legs) Godzilla  and the grey gouache giant garden gnomes with attached gleaming 18mm Gatling Guns ………… Well AH it was sort of a disaster. Yes there is no denying that it was a crowd puller but the Gatling guns were very ineffective against the rubber Godzilla, I don’t know why; those shells were like hot knifes through butter. 

Anyway dad had not thought about where the shells would go once they pass through Godzilla himself so they sort of destroyed a few vehicles and buildings and the like causing a certain amount of panic.

Then someone in the pub (The Golden Goose) phoned the police who at first were very unhelpful. After all if you phone the police from a pub and say a 200 foot Godzilla is fighting on the village green with a group of giant garden gnomes it is likely they may not believe you. But in the end they did send the community policeman round who was promptly eaten by Godzilla. He hates authority and uniforms; I think it all has to do with his past. Anyway the next thing was a police marksman team turned up, and Godzilla and the Godzilla is Great Appreciation Society got in a huff and left.

The police have now arrested the giant garden gnomes for disturbing the peace, but are uncertain if  garden gnomes can be prosecuted under British law and are presently waiting for a directive from the very top before formally charging them, but it appears the Gnome Office are yet to respond…………………. HAH HAHAHH Hah hah ahh hahah ah ahaha hah hah hahah hah aha hahahah ah hah hah hah hahah h hahah hah     

And sadly garden gnomes have been banned from the village green and dad has been banned from The guild of grotesques and gargoyles.

Mum has added Idiot.........  I am not sure if that’s dad, the police or the garden gnomes

Gnome Gnome on the Range

F is For The Franciscan Friars, The Fishermen and the Flamingo.

10 years ago this was my first-ish A to Z. A time when I wrote a diary in a rather distinctive style as the eccentric child of cyberspace . . . . . I say first-ish because I did a practice run in March 2012 so I sort of did it twice.

A little Mad but then doing the A to Z can drive a chap mad. 

Anyway 10 years where did that go Phew. 

The Letter F

FERRETING about at the FARMERS Market was FABULOUS until a FRACAS between a group of FRENCH FRANCISCAN FRYERS (sorry FRIARS) and the FIERY FIGHTING FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD FLARED up at the FRONT of the FISHMONGERS. It was all to do with FISH Quotas.   The FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD called the FRANCISCAN FRIARS “FRAUDULENT FREAKS” While the FRANCISCAN FRIARS said the FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD smelt of FORMALDEHYDE and FORMATION dancers. And they couldn’t catch FRANKENSTEIN’S monster if it was super glued to their FETLOCKS.     

When the FIGHT FINALLY FINISHED we bumped into FRANK or FINGERS FRANK as he is known he said “ Hello want to buy some FRANKINCENSE then; FOUR Quid and no Questions nudge nudge, FELL off a FORKLIFT hA hA hA.” FRANK is a FUNNY FELLOW

We were looking at a FLEA market stall and saw a FORGED FLYING FLAMINGO and FRANK said, “Worth a FORTUNE it’s a FAMOUS FORGED FOURTH century FIGURE of a bird goddess Robbie me mate Ha ha ha hah ha , offer him FIFTY and I’ll FIX a deal wiv a good FENCE”…………..  “FIFTY Quid …..FLIP me” said FLORENCE on the FLEA market stall. It’s  only an old FERROUS FLAMINGO from the FAMILY FARM. 

Mum was FURIOUS that I had been on the FIDDLE with FRANK and said the FLAMINGO was FILTHY so I had to clean it.  I have spent all day with FIBROUS clothes and FEATHERS FEVERISHLY polishing and have FINALLY FINISHED. 

Mum, Dad, the dog and Captain FLINT the parrot have all come to see and have all said F***********ing  H*****lllllll it is made of Gold. So FINGERS FRANK was right

The Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine and the Evils of money

10 years ago this was my first-ish A to Z. A time when I wrote a diary in a rather distinctive style as the eccentric child of cyberspace . . . . . I say first-ish because I did a practice run in March 2012 so I sort of did it twice.

A little Mad but then doing the A to Z can drive a chap mad. 

MMMMmmmmmm some of you may notice that there is sometimes a bit of discrepancy with my formatting between posts. Well over the years I have changed stuff from time to time and as a result occasionally something weird will happen. Annoying but right now I dont have time to sort it DAMN.

The Letter E

 Esmeralda (a long standing character of my diary), has much empathy with E (the letter not the tablet) and is enjoying Easter with Easter eggs and Entertaining Everyone by Exploring Eels and Echinoderm (Starfish). She entirely blames them for her Eczema and the rather embittered and emotional employment of explosives to END her embarrassment is encouraged by Mr Evans of Evans Emporium where she purchases the explosives and eels. I feel he encourages her for his own Evil ends i.e. money (the route of all Evil)  

Dad, a new age Environmentalist and expert Engineer has built England’s first Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine, which runs entirely on Elderberries. Using Electrolysis and Electronics to produce an electromotive force from the Elaborate elliptical orbit of Elderberry Electrons in an erroneous effervescent electrolyte.  I feel some of you may need to consult an Encyclopaedia to entirely understand everything although I know Mr ESB (A member of R.A.T.S) will be very enamoured by this enormous epoch, encouraging him to continue his own experiments with his Chicken Sandwiches.

The  Elite of the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club say it is an exemplary example of an Elliptical Earth Engine and having examined it say its execution and extraction of Energy from Elderberries is an evolutionary event in the elliptical engines evolution (note the clever use of the same word twice HAH HAHHAH HAHh hahhahh ).

Because of dads enterprising efforts, the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club have awarded dad a posh certificate but dad said “A B*******  posh certificate I was hoping for loads of money” and has exploded the  Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine……. adding EASY come EASY go.

Money you see, is the route of all evil; but great for explosions. Mum says Dad is an Egghead but also an IDIOT

Hopefully the Explosive End of the Earth Engine and dads Experimenting will see the Weather return to normal

ELVIS is still the KING ...... Listen or Else...........

The Demented Deadly Dormice of Doom

10 years ago this was my first-ish A to Z. A time when I wrote a diary in a rather distinctive style as the eccentric child of cyberspace . . . . . I say first-ish because I did a practice run in March 2012 so I sort of did it twice.

A little Mad but then doing the A to Z can drive a chap mad. 

 

The Letter D

DamN it appears the Department of Demons and Demonic Diseases has depressed dad saying we have a dodgy infestation of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom in the dinning Room. Disposed of by  (Well Dropped)  by a Dutch Drunkard from his duffel bag; who had been drinking, and dancing  with the dog on the doorstep in the dead of night, celebrating the Death of the Diamond  Duchess of Demark in 1871 (hang on I know that year from the A to Z list). The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom have dug down into the dark dank decaying depths of the draughty dungeons (OK the Cellar).  Definitely adding to the difficulty and discomfort of a diabolically dodgy drove of deadly doomsday animals and Androids.

Mum says it’s a disgrace and has sent the dog down to dislodge them, (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST, the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia and The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom).

After much discussion and debate and a bit of despair, the dog has disembowelled a couple of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom who have raised the white flag (a dirty white flag) and are departing dispirited and in dishonour. It appears the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia is depressed due to a sudden downpour of deep snow (SNOW……..WHAT?????)  and the AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE ANDROID (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST) is suffering from distemper and is asking for Doughnuts and Dolly Mixture. And says just because they look like the devil doesn’t mean they are degenerates and it is definitely discrimination of deadly demons and Androids. And that it is dehumanizing. ……….Well if you’re not a human, although I guess he was ANTHROPOMORPHIC

ANTHROPOMORPHIC hang on I’m back at A again how did that happen ……..Mum has added IDIOT (sorry Dimwit) …… I blame the snow.

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