Part Four of Hogwarts V Jurassic World . . . Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

Link to Part Three

As our heroic heroes arrive at the large and impressive outdoor performance pool for the Aquatic Dinosaurs of Jurassic World they spot Harry Potter, Hermione, Lily Luna and an assortment of young student wizards from Hogwarts. Lily Luna hanging over the side of the pool saying

dad dad dad dad  dad dad dad dad can I have a plesiosaur as a pet. . . . . I promise to look after it and clean outs its straw every week.

No Lily Luna I think you might be thinking of the wrong dinosaur.

But I want A PLESIOSAUR IT’S not fair.

However before the conversation continues it is interrupted by the arrival of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire  who is looking flustered, and is desperately attempting to un-jam his large and very scary machine gun. He is now being pursued by a large group of irritated pensioners who have chased him all the way from Customer Services.

Unfortunately for the professor while he was threatening the queues (who had amassed at Customer Services) with death for demanding a refund, he ended up with a jammed large scary machine gun. Now as anyone who has ever had to deal with the public will know . . . . you will never get away with threatening a coach party of pensioners if they think they are entitled to a refund or discount. And so any sign of weakness and they will attack like ferocious and totally irrational killer Zombies, so a jamming machine gun means you are a goner for sure.              

   

As the Professor passes the group he sees Harrison Ford-Cortina and throws his still jammed machine gun at him shouting things before leaping onto the edge of the pool still being chased by the coach party of pensioners.

Meanwhile as everyone else watches the rather strange spectacle of a gang of little old ladies hitting the professor on a small feeding platform forty feet above the pool the White Rabbit is focused on the distant horizon of the large bay beyond the pool.  Then as his packet watch chimes the hour he fires a flare gun high into the air, after a few seconds a flare is seen far off out at sea in response. Slowly but surely and generally unnoticed by most, a ship can be seen sailing towards Jurassic World, a ship with distinct sails flying the skull and crossbones.

By now Harry, Hermione and the young wizards of Hogwarts have settled down in the tiered seating of the vast performance pool to watch the grand finale.   Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having now resorted to using magic to defend himself from the relentless onslaught of little old ladies

Ooo the Grand Council of Wizards will not approve of that says Harry as another little old lady is turned into a Wild Mutant Raven.

Daaaaaaaaaad can I have a Wild Mutant Raven as a pet

No Lily Luna they are particularly aggressive and a bad choice by Professor Frankenzompire.

On the other side of the vast pool Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit and Harrison Ford-Cortina are pushing the seriously enormous lock gates open that connect the performance pool to open ocean via a grand canal.

Now you have all seen the film, you all know that the large ocean going aquatic dinosaurs actually live out at sea and have been trained to enter the performance pool to do a few tricks like leap forty feet out of the water to get a tasty treat such as say a pensioner from a passing coach party.  What do you mean you have not seen the film (DAMN how was I to know it has not been released publically yet. . .  Sorry Mr Spielberg).

As the Lock gates open a large pirate ship sails into the pool its captain at the wheel laughing HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR shiver me timbers it be Master Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina . . . .  You are looking a bit different young Harrison since I last saw ye HAR HAR . . . . . . .  

Lily Luna turns to her dad and says that’s Captain Silver of Silvers Water Taxi’s who takes us to Hogwarts each term what is he doing here.

It is, and I don’t know yet, but I think that is a Plesiosaur over there too says Harry

Lily Luna claps her hands and says this is dead exciting I like Jurassic World.

 

To Be Continued.

Yes the Story has yet one more part to it as it reaches the grand finish where all will be revealed. 

Link to PART FIVE

Part Three of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. The JABBERWOCKYSARUS eats an ice cream van

Link to Part Two

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having run out of ammunition and discovering that the JABBERWOCKYSARUS is one of those rare spell immune beasts, heads quickly back to his main office. But as he enters the phone rings and a young girl at Customer Services is panicking.

You need to come to customer services quick Professor Frankenzompire the puplic are here on mass demanding refunds.

A REFUND says the Professor we never give refunds….

They are getting very restless and are complaining there are ferocious dinosaurs running loose all over the place.

I’ll be there straight away says the Professor reloading his large scary machine gun. No one gets a refund here he thinks to himself and I am not starting now, we will see what they think after I have fed a few of them to the Plesiosaurus.

Back near the monorail stop Alice, the White Rabbit, Young Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina emerge from behind a large wall and decide to head towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits. However as they head down the central walkway the   JABBERWOCKYSARUS appears chewing a large bus, but on seeing the small group it drops the bus and slowly walks towards them.

It’s a smelly beast says Higgs

Indeed it is . . . .  and rather big replies Alice.

Is the White Rabbit going to fight it and save us then, it usually does.

No

AH

But as the JABBERWOCKYSARUS gets to within a few feet of them Harrison Ford- Cortina  suddenly leaps forward (remember he is rather Tyrannosaurus Rex looking now) and starts talking to the beast (I say talking it is in fact growling) and pointing a lot. Then the JABBERWOCKYSARUS shrugs it’s shoulders and starts wandering off towards the main exit of the Jurassic World complex eating a small ice cream van on the way

WHAT ?????? WHAT DID YOU SAY says Young Higgs to Harrison Ford- Cortina. 

Harrison Ford- Cortina has a little look to haven and then repeats his growls and pointing.

AH Right says Higgs still none the wiser and slightly confused.

Our Small, brave, intrepid and possibly foolhardy band of heroes then continue their journey towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits where the White Rabbit apparently says he has a cunning plan. Well when I say he says, as we know the White Rabbit says very little but he indicates strongly in a way that is clear to the others that he has a very cunning plan indeed.

To Be Continued

What is this cunning plan I hear you ask. . . . well as I make these stories up as I write then and I don’t have a clue how they are going to end I may have put myself in a difficult position because I don’t know what the cunning plan is either so AH DAMN. . . . 

Link to Part Four 

How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. The Big Questions Answered

As some of you know I am in the process of writing another short alternative Harry Potter Story (which is not going well either, the agony of being a failed writer is agonizing).  Anyway tonight we are having a little break to deal with one of those Big Questions that I think people actually prefer me to write about.  Therefore tonight’s Big Question is. . . . . . . . . . How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. . . . . .  OK I can hear the sound of silence as you all go WHAT and it is true it is not the sort of question most of us ask that often but when you do ask it, it’s a Big Question and you need answers fast. And I do have a reason for dealing with this tonight.

You see after a life of not having to consider this question at all, like the old saying about busses turning up on mass, I have had to deal with two of them tonight so I thought I should deal with the question while the issues are still fresh in my mind. Firstly and this is quite important as I don’t want folk to rush off and phone the police saying quick go to that Rob Z Tobor’s house he has an attic full of bodies….. Even if you see it as a cunning way to stop me writing reams of total rubbish about stuff or bad Harry Potter stories. The fact is I have not been killing folk off (honest) what I have been doing is putting two rolls of the old rubber carpet underlay up in the attic and they are sort of body sized and about the same weight and flop about a bit like a body.

So exactly what are the main problems with this. Well it’s not easy because any attic that you can hide bodies in is also one that is not easy to get into. Ours has one of the attic ladders which is OK unless you are trying to carry a large floppy-ish item up it and through a smallish hatch in the ceiling. Ours also does not have boards over its entire area and it would not do to fall through the ceiling clutching a body as the ambulance chaps might be suspicious when you say Uncle George sort of rolled himself up in a carpet you had handy in the garage.  Here in Britain may attics do not have lights in either (luckily ours does) but stumbling about in the dark with your friend draped over your shoulder while holding a torch balancing on 4 inch rafters is far from easy.

So in hindsight all I can say is you might be better to hide the body under the patio. Only as we all know this is the first thing the police dig up and if they don’t if you ever sell the house the new owners will do it just in case you hid a body under there and they are worried about the rumour of Zombies in the neighbourhood. One further point is if you wish to keep your carpet underlay for future use then do not bury it under the patio is has a habit of rotting and going mouldy. Something that you might consider a bonus if it was a body.   

Part two of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. . . . . Professor Frankenzompire gets angry.

Link to Part One 

As Harry Potter, Hermione and a motley collection of wizard students from Hogwarts emerge from behind the large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia, Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire strides towards them. His long floor length black leather coat, designer wrap round mirror finish sunglasses and huge scary machine gun make the young wizards a little nervous as they hide behind Harry. Only Lily Luna saying WOW DAD can I have one of those guns that’s awesome.

No I don’t think so says Harry

AH Harry Potter . . .  I believe one of your students has accidently got mixed up in one of my experiments and has turned a bit Tyrannosaurus Rex said Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire.

Indeed he is standing over there with that large White Rabbit, Alice from Wonderland and Master Higgs the son of Professor Brian Dumblecox . . . . . Have you come to turn him back into Harrison Ford-Cortina the popular wizard student from gryffindor.

O NO and with that he raises his large scary machine gun and fires a long burst at Harrison Ford-Cortina. NO SORRY BUT HE HAS TO DIE.

But in a blur of slow motion the Large White rabbit leaps in front of the slightly modified Wizard Student and picks the bullets out of the air and then has a close look at them before dropping them on the ground. Well as you can imagine Professor Frankenzompire is not entirely happy and pulls an old black twisted wand from inside his coat and shouts a terrible spell as a huge fiery thunderbolt envelopes the space where the White Rabbit and the others had been standing. But they have vanished and only a rather strange smiling Cheshire cat is there now, and as it fades it says. . . . . . . . .

Beware the Jabberwockysarus My friend . . . . . . . . . .

Beware the what? shouts Professor Frankenzompire at Harry Potter.

Harry replying . . . It is always best to run when that cat turns up and then vanishes again saying weird stuff like that . . . and with that Harry, Hermione and the other wizard student’s head off sharp-ish towards a now empty burger café near the main performance pool. . . Young Lily Luna saying Can I have Fries with my stegosaurus dad and onion rings . . . .  I like this Jurassic World its WELL COOL. . .  

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is very very angry now but as he watches Harry Potter and the other run off he feels the ground shaking and the sound of something Huge snarling and hissing behind him . . . . .. . . . It is the Jabberwockysarus . . . . What manner of beast is this he says to himself as he raises his large scary machine gun up to its well armoured head. Only to find the bullets bounce off the body of the huge beast who barely notices the professor unloading the entire guns magazine of bullets into him.

TO BE CONTINUED

Link to Part Three