Aprils A to Z . . . . . An update on my Master Plan

Pondering and writing the Greatest ever A to Z series for the very popular Blogging A to Z in April is hard work.  You see I am in the process of creating The A to Z of Completely Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers.  EASY I hear folk say but it is not as easy as it sounds because I not only have to  invent and draw a whole load of new inventions as well as explore some new places that the Victorians had not explored (yes real ones not made places up, that’s cheating).  I have also had to create interesting yet vaguely plausible life stories that will make folk think . . . . . OOOOOO this is interesting I will come back and read a bit more about this rather odd bunch of Victorian Scientific sort of chaps (and Women). Gosh this is probably the greatest April A to Z I have ever read. . . . .  On top of that there will be a subtle interlinking underlining tale to some (but not all) the letters. O yes as I have said in my own slightly modest way this is going to be the greatest April A to Z in the World EVER. . .

Anyway in order to keep the punters amused in the meantime as I am still deep in the process of DIY and other stuff I am digging out an old A to Z post from way back so that new folk can get a flavour of how I work. Sort of bearing in mind this years A to Z is entirely different in every way entirely

So here is an Oldie for you . . . . . the Letter P

It has been PERISHINGLY cold today with PERSISTENT PETULANT PIERCING rain PENETRATING the PORES of the POOR folk walking their PEKINESE in the PARK, it was PREDICTED so why they have to PUNISH themselves is rather PECULIAR, and the PEKINESE looked PERISHED and PUFFED out anyway.

In school today we were discussing the PRINCIPLES of Architecture and in PARTICULAR the Famous PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA built by the PRINCE of PERSIA in the 15th century at the PEAK of his POWERS.  It is apparently known as the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE because of the POLYMORPHIC PLEBEIAN PERPENDICULAR PITCHED PILLARED PIVOTING Staircase that PENETRATES the PINEAPPLE PAGODAS PRESTIGIOUS Crown. The dog incidentally says “POPPYCOCK and I could write what I know about Architecture on a PIECE of PAPER the size of a PEANUT in big letters”. All I can say is POOOOOO, the dog is just a POSY PROTAGONIST, what the dog fails to take into account is all the readers know less that I do about the Famous PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA of PERSIA. And anyway If that very nice Steven Spielberg is going to make the block buster movie (sorry the sequel to the block buster movie) then a PRESTIGIOUS PANORAMIC location is a PRIORITY.

Interestingly the PERPLEXED PINEAPPLE PAGODA was built as a PIGEON Loft for the PRINCES PRIZED POISONOUS PERUVIAN PUFF PIGEONS who would PROMENADE importantly in the PINNACLES of its crown. Mr PLANT the Architecture lecturer said it was quite PLAUSIBLE that the PAGODA was built as a PLEASURE facility and………..

It was at this POINT that the lesson came to an abrupt halt when Esmeralda’s PYROTECHNICS’ PANICKED the PUPILS and they PUSHED out of the doors towards the PUB for a PORK PIE. It was all a bit chaotic until PETER the landlord of the PUB started PLAYING his bagpipes……. A sort of PIE PIPER…… Mmmmmm I have always wondered where the meat in his PIES came from???......... ……. ……. ……YUM

Ooooooo by the way Captain Flint the PARROT says “PIECES of Eight ……… POLLY needs a POO”

So much for the PRINCIPLES of good taste……. really   

What is mans greatest fear . . . . . . . . The Big Question

There are many differences between men and women both physically and physiologically as you might expect, I mean if we were identical it would only cause a lot of confusion although it would make religion a bit easier.  There is however one thing that is the Achilles heel of every single man in the world irrespective of whether he is a rock climber,  musician, nuclear scientist, mechanic or a Patagonian goat herder. It is something that men fear more than any other thing, and yet women don’t understand why and will often look indignant and shake their heads as a chap desperately tries to find any reason he can not to undertake this particular task. It is said that men have gone to war and fought to the death rather than face this; on the face of it simple task, that they are often asked to do by women in particular.  Enticing their chaps with erotic clothing or bacon butty’s or whispering rude things in their ears. But chaps will seldom do this terrible thing even when enticed with a half naked woman holding a hot bacon butty with fried onions and brown sauce made with a lightly toasted freshly made bap with loads of butter.

So it was with some trepidation that I started the day knowing that one of the tasks of the day was this mans greatest fear, although luckily I had enough other things to do to avoid starting. In the end though I had to face mans nemesis and with the appropriate implements to hand I set too. But then I had to stop as it was time for our evening meal and I am now too weary to start again, and tomorrow I am busy and on Wednesday, in fact it will probably be the weekend now before I have to face this terrible thing again and carry on with the terrible task of putting up shelves.           

An Admission of a Terrible Error of Judgement

Hello everyone it is I, I am here again, I know I should be posting everyday but I am doing other things and they do get in the way of messing about in cyberspace writing a combination of gibberish, diary and the answers to all those very very important Big Questions . So I am here to tell you all of a terrible mistake I made the other day, well the day before yesterday to be more precise. The reason I did not write of this terrible mistake yesterday is because I was still recovering from the stress that the terrible error inflicted upon my mind and body.

Well I can here folk are starting to wonder exactly what sort of terrible mistake Rob Z Tobor could make, because lets face it, it is not something that folk would perceive me of possibly ever doing.  Mistakes are not something I do (OK I do loads of them but never admit it. . . . . . . DAMN I should have not said that). Anyway I think it is about time to reveal all . . .  you see my terrible error was to go to IKEA during half term.  Well it just never crossed my mind as we travelled along the M54 and down the M6 towards the land of many things that folk can’t pronounce. Not even as we battled along a grid locked motorway did the penny drop (yes it’s another saying that is stupid). No it was only as we arrived and saw the massed hoards of families who had thought . . . . . . I know its half term lets take the kids to IKEA, that’s a cheap day out (cheap day out it is not, with their cunning ways of making folk spend all their money). Anyway it was hell in there like being in a Hornets nest full of Hornets that have just been poked with a pointy stick.   

We did get what we wanted and were not tempted by all those little things they line up for one or two pounds along the way so that folk find they have spent five hundred pounds in total and have a trolley full of unpronounceable stuff they don’t need. And screaming kids who have just thrown up a load of half decomposed Swedish meal balls over themselves and a cage full of cheap Panda’s at the checkout.      

 

It was serious hell I hate it when a shop is full the masses massing to attach each other, and the only light relieve was a Chinese woman who was giving a small child a good telling off in Chinese. It seems odd to me that the Chinese would shop in IKEA as most of the stuff IKEA sells comes from China. 

Of course the short version on this particular post is . . . . . . . I went to IKEA, it was Hell. . . . . .  But this is a blog not Twitter, and it does explain to some degree why I am not good at Twitter, it has no soul I mean . . . . I went to IKEA, it was Hell . . .  where is the romance in just saying that.



OOOOOooooooooo I am up to the Letter K on the A to Z and its looking very good so far. . . Mad but good.

The Ghost Writer, an Office, an Update and a Golden Ibis

Now my last post was all about stuff changing and how it sort of happens jolly damn quickly at times and then sometimes so slowly that we cant deal with it in human terms as change. Well yesterday I found myself for reasons some of you will have worked out, at the office of the Ghost Writer. Who although a terrible Ghost Writer, is known to many as the IT Guru to the Stars as well as folk of a non star status. Well lets face it stars are not what they were when Humphrey Bogart, Jane Russell. James Cagney or Gary Cooper and the like were stars, these days they are folk I have never heard of and often look like spoil teenage brats.

Anyway there I was in the office of the Ghost Writer when a message arrived to say that a small flock of Zombies were attacking a shed in my garden. . . . . . No hang on that is not the message I was planning to discuss. . . . . No a message arrived in the office to say that the national organisation were doing important updates and that it might impact to some degree on the internet of the offices across the United Kingdom. Well as the Ghost Writer himself said at the time what this means is that no one will be able to do any work what so ever, and he was right.  And as the office suddenly came to a grinding halt it showed the very weakness of the modern internet based working environment. 

You see at one time a wizened old monk would be there with his quill and vellum working on his illuminated manuscript and except for the Vikings would work away through thick and thin, power cuts and even no internet. Even till very recently an office full of typists could produce loads of stuff a day, far more than they do now using the internet, but of course distribution was a bit of an issue, but at least folk did not spend half their day emailing pictures of cats to each other or shopping.

So there you have it a high tech (OK not very high) office is all well and good but takeaway the internet and almost instantaneously it is paralysed and folk can not do a thing. It is now very trendy to work in the so called Cloud, but just wait until the next major solar flare or some evil organization takes over and the internet is zapped, what will folk do then. It will not fair well for my blog either although luckily I have a wizened old monk writing it all on vellum with a quill from a Golden Ibis so . . . . . . . . . . . . HAH AHHAH haha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahha ha haha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha . . . . my place in history is assured.  

How fast does stuff change . . . . .The Big Question

I have just been thinking, and thought I need to write one of those big questions again before the masses get distracted by a passing seagull and wander off into the night never to return. So what sort of big Question will I write and this is it . . . .  How fast does stuff change, the Big Question. I know you are all thinking WHAT? Exactly what is he on about now. Well it may all seem a bit abstract but it is a really interesting question. You see change is all relative, to some things change slowly and to others they change really fast and the same is true in nature. You see a Mayfly lives for about a day so to a Mayfly a day is an entire lifetime and to us it’s a day.

Now the thing is these days almost everyone over here in the decadent west has a mobile phone or a computer and any small child would just assume that these things have been about for like ever. But tell that small child that stuff like computers and mobile phones were something that just did not exist when you were young and they will look confused.  In fact most modern technology, stuff like satellite navigation or touch screen things were devices from Star Trek and even Star Trek is old to some . . . . If I said. . .  Its Life Jim but not as we know it to a small child it will tell me to ****** off because they will not have a clue what I’m on about. . . add . . .its the Engines Jim they will nay take it and they will think I’m an Idiot. Television is a relatively new device, and it was only 1903 just over 100 years ago when man made his first powered flight. Folk don’t give aeroplanes a second thought these days and there are millions of the damn things moving people and things all over the world.

But all these things are changes; things that quietly happen around us, most of us don’t really notice these sorts of changes so the big changes like shifting continental shelves or the fact the Sun in real terms has a rather limited life span in relation to the likes of the universe don’t even register as change. It is estimated that over 99% of all life that has lived on planet Earth has become extinct and it is said that about a dozen species of living things become extinct every day. But we don’t notice these changes.

Even in towns, at one time most houses had a fireplace where folk would set fire to lumps of coal and roast the cat but this is not so common in the big metropolis’s and I am told there are children who have never seen an open fire. . . YICKS I must be old (we still have one).  I can say that for many years on my trips up north to Scotland I used to travel on the Flying Scotsman and Steam was the norm until they introduced those huge great Deltic Class 55 trains and look what happened to them when was the last time anyone saw one of them. Folk used to have to use tin baths and an outside toilet. In the town I previously lived in I have talked to some of the older members of the community who remember stuff like that. These are things that have happened in a single lifetime. So change is important because it would be damn useful to know what exactly is likely to change in the next thirty years or so (after that I will be too old or away with the fairies so will not care anyway)

So there you have it another big Question . . . . . . . . . sort of not answered a bit.

I think the best think to do is to think of mankind as a tiny blink of light that is almost unnoticeable in the huge voids of the universe. Well of course I do not include myself in that tiny blink I’m a camera flash (an old fashioned fixed plate camera flash. they were real flashes not like digital cameras they are rubbish).

Why am I doing the A to Z in April. . . . . The Big Question

Some of you will have noticed that I volunteered to support the A to Z again in April, that rather interesting event that many many bloggers undertake which scrambles the minds of huge numbers of people. This means at some point I will be adding myself to the A to Z list, something I have not done yet because, I like to be well down the list among new faces. This allows me to visit those blogs around me on the list and shrug my shoulders and write stuff like . . . . . WHAT. . WHO . . . I am well confused what’s going on . . . and what letter comes after P. Folk will then respond with helpful tips and say things like. . .No NO you are doing it like you have done it many times before I’m well impressed even if your spelling is rubbish. Then when they discover I have done it loads of times before they get in a strop and refuse to talk to me.

Now this year is a bit of a worry because I am doing stuff in the house like painting, bashing walls down, more painting, moving furniture, even more painting and wondering what to do with all my stuff. . . . . . I have a lot of stuff, a man needs stuff its genetic and I have loads of it. So doing the A to Z on top is probably very fool hardy even for an old hand like myself, but I have a plan and if it comes off I will be OK you see I have chosen a fairly easy subject this year and that is. . . .

The A to Z of Completely Fictitious Unknown Victorian Failed Inventors and Explorers

I will say that I don’t think this is a subject I have done before, but I am now at the point I can’t remember exactly what I have done previously and it did cross my mind to do. . . . . The A to Z of the Best Bits from the A to Z of Rob Z Tobor which would allow me to just repost a mix of stuff I have done before. However I might save that for next year and the year after.

Now if you are thinking Ooooooooo I am going to do the A to Z as well just remember it is harder than it looks if you don’t blog every day. And it does not mean you will suddenly have hundreds of new followers who will lavish praise on you as the new wonder blogger.  Blogging is not an easy route to fame and fortune, I have been stalking that very nice Steven Spielberg for what seems like years now and has he ever said  . . . . Hey rob that is the best film idea I have ever read. . . . No.  Although he has said AAAaaaaauuuuGgggHHH god its you again, set the dogs on him and call the police. . . .Again.  I like to think we are at least talking and I have my foot in the door, although he has sent me the repair bill for the door and it seems a lot. . . . PHEW.

Anyway if you wish to do the A to Z . .  here is the link to the sign up list. But give it serious thought first.

If you are wondering what sort of thing to write about in the A to Z here is a little example from one I have done before . . . . An Old Favourite and better still short

V The Vole and the Vampire

“VHAT do you VANT” said the VAMPIRE to the VOLE.

“What”? Said VICTOR the VOLE.

“For a start off those are not V words” said VICTOR.

Victor the VOLE was very good at words and knew all his VERBS and VOWELS. 

The VAMPIRE was very displeased because he was being criticized by a little VOLE and he shouted “I VILL bite VOU and VURN VOU into a VOMBIE, VES a VILE VITTLE VOMBIE”.

“A VOMBIE “ said the VOLE “surely you mean a Zombie”.

“VOMBIE VOMBIE VATS VHOT I VED” said the VAMPIRE, who was VERY angry; so angry he bit VICTOR the VOLE on the neck.

“I VARNED VOO” said the VAMPIRE.

And VICTOR the VOLE said “I suppose you VINK that’s VUNNY”.

And they both laughed hysterically as a cow jumped over the VOON.

The VEND

So exactly Why an I doing the A to Z in April. . . . . (The Big Question)

Well because I am MAD. . . . HAH AH HA Hah ah ah ahah ha ha ha ha ha hah ahah ha hah ahh ah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah a ha haha hahahha ha ha ha

Why do humans like different stuff . . . The Big Question

I have just enjoyed a rather good Indian takeaway and am now drinking a nice cup of tea made by me. Interestingly the Indian restaurant makes great food but their tea is rubbish. I have tried to get them to make weak tea in the past but they just can’t understand the concept and it arrives like a cup of crude oil, ready to take the hairs off your chest and make you sing like Tiny Tim on helium.

Anyway this has made me ponder one of those big questions which is the vague theme of this year’s blog. Only because you were all getting bored with the day to day life of me doing my day to day stuff and writing a daily diary.  Yes the big question is . . . . . . Why do humans like different stuff. . . .  At first this might seem like a silly question but is it, you see in nature Lions eat Gazelles or Zebra, they dont go . .  AAAAhhhhh I wanted vanilla ice cream I don’t like raspberry ripple ice cream.  So why are humans so damn fickle about stuff why will one chap like pink and one like orange but with a subtle hint of blue.

I think we have to put this down to evolutionary development. To many (well mostly humans) humans are the pinnacle of evolutionary development on earth, we have invented the wheel and the screwdriver. However all species of critter on Earth will diverse to some degree in order to cope with environmental changes that may occur such as drought, flooding, temperature change or food sources vanishing. The problem for mankind is that humans are the first critter on planet Earth to change his environment to suit him rather than the other way round. This is OK while its all in control but just lately it has all sort of got out of hand, humans are ironically too successful as a species and have to put it bluntly buggered the planet a bit (I know a strong word for me indeed).

The thing is though, we are at the end of the day just another critter evolving on planet Earth in order to continue as a successful species, we are programmed to do this and have no free will to do anything else.  But as we are now slightly detached from nature thanks to things like central heating, cars, aeroplanes, supermarkets, chairs, Indian takeaways and many many other things, our genetic diversity has gone a bit odd taking an un-nature turn.

What this means is that some of us will like flock wallpaper while other will prefer a nice painted wall, or maybe you will find you prefer a city flat to a county cottage in the country. All well and good, but I suspect when it comes to the crunch and our environment makes a sudden change it seems unlikely that only those who eat coffee fudge ice cream and prefer a nice floral wall paper with matching rugs will survive. The rest of us dying out because of our taste in soft furnishing and liking lemon bon bons from the old corner sweet shop which sadly has become extinct.