An Average day in the run up to Christmas

Today has been a funny old day as I have achieved what I intended although at this moment in time I still have some of the day left so with luck will get a bit more done yet.  I have stopped for a cup of tea, living in Britain and being a bit of a traditionalist in many ways it is important to stop sometime in the afternoon round about three-ish to have a cup of tea.  I am trying to make a top hat to go with the James Bond skull mask and it must be finished by Thursday.  The critical thing at present with this hat is ensuring it fits the person it is intended for and to that end I will be heading out later into the dark damp grey evening to stick the hat on the head of the person whose head it will be on in a few days time at a party. A party I will not be at even though the hat and mask I made will.  Typical you make stuff and what happens it vanishes off and has a good time leaving me sat in front of a Christmas tree.

You see one of the other things on today’s list was decorate the Christmas tree; this has been started and continues well although another small point is we have four Christmas trees this time. I know that sounds rather decadent but it is not as bad as it sounds. One is our trusty fake main tree, two of them are smaller fake trees left over from the days of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and the fourth one is a real tree in a pot outside that will be staying outside to ensure it lives on into old age seeing many more Christmases in the future. Something I guess we are all hoping to do.  As far as lights go that is no problem as I buy a new set of fairy lights every year and have done for many many many years. Nothing bling just simple white LED fairy lights so we can easily put up several thousand little sparkly lights without too many issues (I do love fairy lights).

OK we are fast coming to the end of my afternoon tea break so I might try and get a picture of Christmas so far and then its onwards and upwards to do constructive things and then a bit later I will post this post on my humble blog were it may or may not be read.  As it is nearly Christmas I don’t mind if folk don’t read it because I know that up north near the North Pole there is a chap in a large red coat white beard who goes Ho Ho Ho a lot who does read it (Uncle Eric) . . . . . . . . .     

OOOOoooo yes I made a fish for my homemade nativity scene but still have at least one wise man and a sheep to make, I was told pigs were not about at the nativity scene 





I am still waiting for a phone call to go and do a hat fitting . . . . it appears the traffic on a motorway out there somewhere is not moving, I am glad I live in the sticks.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears and other stuff

An old fairy tale I have told before, but life has been a bit busy with a visitor and I have stuff to get done, but I have tweaked it a bit. So its sort of repeat but not quite, a bit like on the Television when they do things like this and pretend its not a repeat. but it is



Once upon a time there were three bears, you see it is rather common for things to come in threes in fairy tales, like in that Snow White story.   Now these bears went for a walk because their porridge was too hot to eat something that happened rather a lot in the bear household for reasons that will become apparent later. Anyway while they were out a Miss Goldilocks turned up and thought porridge YUM so ate baby bears porridge, but thought I am still hungry, so ate both mummy bear’s and daddy bears porridge. She then went upstairs and jumped up and down on baby bears bed which broke, and mummy bears and finally daddy bears, which was well cool like being on a huge trampoline. If there is one thing we have all learnt over the years is that Miss Goldilocks is not the nicest girl about and has a history of petty crime stealing breakfast and breaking beds, picking on bears in particular because she blames then for ruining her life. A Catch 22 situation if you ask me? I also believe she complained that grannies eyes and teeth were too big.

It just so happened that while in the process of trying a triple reverse somersault on the bed of daddy bear and laughing hysterically the three bears arrived home, something she did not notice as she had one last attempt at destroying the bed. The three bears saying . .  look its Miss Goldilocks . . . (well you would I guess, and in an annoyed way). But at that very moment the big bad werewolf leapt out of the wardrobe and ate Miss Goldilocks.  The bears were very displeased and shouted at the big bad werewolf because I think they fancied eating her later in a stew with spiced lentils and a nice tomato sauce. But the big bad werewolf said that Miss Goldilocks was in fact a vampire clone and there was loads of cloned vampire Goldilocks’ all over the place and he was there to save the bears from being turning into The Living Dead by eating them (the Miss Goldilocks’ not the bears). Blaming all the bad press he gets on three pigs (yes there were three of them, see what I mean about three's) who tried to build houses on the greenbelt by getting round the planning laws using straw. Big bad werewolf put in a formal complaint to the council and then the pigs tried to ruin his reputation. Anyway the point is the three bears said the big bad werewolf was big and bad and told him to go away and they would deal with vampires and young girls breaking their beds themselves. Well lets face it bears are grumpy at the best of times. 

The following morning as mummy bear over heated the porridge again and daddy bear moaned again, mummy bear saying IF HE SPENT LESS TIME IN THE LOO READING ALL THE GRIMM STORIES IN THE PAPERS THEN THE PORRIDGE WOULD NOT be so damn hot and it was all his fault Baby bear adding We should go to the woods again because he had heard from his Mate that bears do things in the woods . And he was keen to find out what it was. And who could blame him, although on a personal level all I can say is curiosity generally ends in tears, so best not to know.

When they got home they found three (see its three of them again) cloned Miss Goldilocks laughing hysterically and leaping up and down on their beds. Big bad Werewolf was right all along they were cloned vampires So they shouted HELP US BIG BAD WEREWOLF, but a voice from outside the window said OOOOO YES YOU WANT ME TO HELP NOW AFTER PHONING ALL YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND SAYING I WAS BIG AND BAD SO I DON’T THINK I WILL NOW. Then the vampire Miss Goldilocks bit all the bears, who turned into The Living Dead, after which the big bad werewolf ate the Miss Goldilocks; after all he has a job to do. And the three bears wandered in the woods forever doing what bears do in the woods forever ……… THE END

Best not to ask what the bears are up to in the woods, but it is not nice (so I have been told)

As this is a child friendly blog  . . . . if a small child is asking you what a bear does in the woods then I am sorry about that. 

A fairytale about a Witch, a Prince, a Princess, and the Forbidden Forest which might not end quite as you suspect.

Once Upon a time on Christmas Day a handsome Prince headed off into the great forbidden forest to save the Princess. . . .As Princes do in all the best fairy tales. . . . Well after a while the Prince got lost and was also rather hungry. Luckily though in the darkness of the forest he saw a small light shining from the window of a rather rickety old cottage deep within the forest. As the Prince approached the door a old witch opened it and said

Ah you must be the Handsome Prince hoping to save the Princess

Why yes said the Prince

And I bet you’re really hungry and reckon you could eat a horse

Yes indeed I am starving said the Prince

Well as it Christmas day you can come in and I will see what I have added the old witch

As they entered and the Prince sat down at the Witches table the Witch pondered her larder and said

What about a roast mummified horse?

Ah no . . . not really what I had in mind said the Prince

Mmm I thought you would say that of course. . . . .

Well I have

Eye of Frog

Leg of Dog

Blood stained lettuce

And the Bark from a log

But the Prince said I would rather have something else

Well what about

Harry Potters Heart

Mud from the wheels of an old apple Cart

A big bowl of sick

And a Vicars Fart

OOoo yuck no said the Prince

You are a fussy Prince and that’s for sure said the Witch

What about

A Crows beak

A mouldy Leek

A large fresh slug

And intestines of a man who was always rather bleak

Ooooooo no thanks replied the Prince

Well OK What about

A cute Kitten’s diced left front paw

Or a wizards bones on which you could gnaw

Or deep fried worms or you could EVEN HAVE them Raw

With a small portion of lions Roar

With a small portion of lions Roar said the Prince in a slightly quizzical way

Look you don’t have something like Kentucky fried Chicken, Pancakes and ice cream and maybe some raspberry sauce

WHAT . . . .  shouted the Witch rather annoyed repeating it a few times

 I’m a witch you are in the Forbidden Forest not the local Little Chef

And with that she waved her arms about and in a flash the Prince was turned into a large Green Frog.  Well it just so happened that at that very moment the Princess turned up to see the witch. Well the Green Frog (the Prince) was rather pleased to see a Princess because he knew that if she kissed him he would turn back into a Handsome Prince.

The Princess spotting the smiling frog said OOOOOooooo a Frog and picked it up looking at its little (well not that little) face. The Prince (the frog) closed his eyes in readiness to be turned back into a Prince, but before you could shout Ooooo look a Seagull the Princess swallowed the frog and said Delicious I love Frogs.  Then turning to the Witch she said I don’t suppose you have seen a handsome Prince Father said there was one in the woods.  The Witch replying He is much closer than you realise my dear but I wouldn’t wait too long for him.

With that the Princess asked the Witch. . . Do you have one of those scaly serpents tails

I do love a fried twisty tail . . . . .  YUM

And they all lived happily ever after . . . . Well most of them did.    

Three short Poems for Christmas . . . About Santa, A Rat, Algebra, and a Frog . . .

What happened to Santa?

Once upon a time

A long long time ago

There was a chap

Who liked the Snow?

And Shouted Ho Ho Ho

He sat small children

On his Knee

And jiggled them about

But the Police

Have now arrested Him

And say

He is too dangerous

To let out



The sad end of a clever RAT

I had a pet Rat

Living under my Floor

He was very Clever

But he did like to Gnaw

I taught him to Count

To almost Eighteen

But at doing Algebra

He was not very Keen

Then one day I asked Him

To work out

A(B*C) in his Head

So he leapt into the Mouse Trap

And now my pet Rat

Is a bit sort of

DEAD

Santa and the Frog

A Chinese Chap once said to me

SJK  jkSKJG LIUQW  

So I shock my head and tried to agree

But he pointed to a traffic sign and said

gfkjhp6779pdf

And then he looked at me

So I gave him a Frog

Which was big, and White, and Red.

But the Chinese chap shouted

something else,

I did not know

vbvc,jhgsdsfe iriwu erfddg

And in a cloud of smoke

The frog turned into Santa

And we all Shouted

Ho Ho Ho