Napoleon and Josephine a Tale of Two Aardvarks

Once upon a time back when nights were nights (much as they are now?) there lived a large and noble Aardvark called Napoleon. He was an ambitious Aardvark with dreams of world domination and leading his army through Europe and over the Alps on the back of Elephants, yes Napoleon was also a little mad. However his dreams were thwarted by his army of aardvarks, as we can tell from the following extract from his autobiography written as he languished in a Zoo on Alba (sorry Elbow) many years later.

“They were rubbish and ill disciplined and would dig holes in the parade ground looking for grubs and  not listening to a single command it was futile, they may have been good at making trenches but trench warfare was quite simply beyond their comprehension”.    

Napoleon the Aardvark was a single minded beast and remained focused on his plans for world domination through his younger years, but he had a secret admirer a young Aardvark called Josephine. Josephine was an aristocratic Aardvark who lived a life of luxury and had rather expensive and unusual taste, particularly in what she ate. In fact she insisted in only eating cake, all kinds of cake from Victoria sandwich to coffee and walnut or fruit cakes to Apple upside down cake covered in cream and hundreds and thousands.

She would often try and gain the attention of Napoleon by taking various cakes to him at sunset and once even took a loaf of bread, a commodity of great rareness in those days. But it was to no avail, Napoleon the Aardvark was a man of few words and he would look down on the cake and say to Josephine in his gruff moody voice  . . . . . . .AH . .  Not Termite Josephine . . . .

In the end Josephine got fed up with Napoleon and ran off with Lenin the Aardvark although it was not to last due to his rather austere outlook on life, but at the time folk were worried that Napoleon would be dead annoyed. But Napoleon was philosophical and told his friends  . . . Let Len eat cake   

HAH AH AH HA HAHah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah a ha ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ah.   

Umbrellas and Fish

The Greatest A to Z  

Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

N

NEVER NIBBLE the toes of a NEWT

Or try to glue one inside your bosses boot

Because NEWTS you see have a NASTY streak

And will suck out your brains making your future bleak.

Yes NEWTS are clever

NEWTS have been known to bark

And it is a little known fact that they invented

The NEWTONIAN Aardvark

O

O dear said OSCAR as he dropped his pet OTTER

Into an ORIFICE made by a notorious Rotter

And although he tried to entice it with OCTOPUS livers 

It escaped OFF . . . . into the rivers

Because as we know

OTTERS are Tarka’s and not really givers.

(Tarka’s . . . .  Takers) HAH HAHAH AHH Ahah h hah ah ah hah h a hha ha ha haha ha ha ha.

P

PETER the PARROT is a PRICELESS bird

It can sing the Star Spangled Banner and impersonate the late Thora Hird

And if feeling PECKISH or can't think of the right word

It PRETENDS it’s the aardvark from Shakespeare’s play

Richard the Third.

Q

If you stand  . . . . . 

in a QUEUE . . . . . . . 

with a Gnu . . . . . . .

People will QUIETLY whisper . . . . . . .  

in a QUADRANGLE . . .  or two  . . 

Or QUIVER with fear and shout loudly. 

AuuuuuugggghhhhHH Shoo

Or throw bits of Aardvark . . . . . .  At the Smiling Gnu

And maybe at you.

R

ROUND the RUGGED ROCKS the RAGGED RASCAL RAN

Past a ROTUND RABBIT and a small bald RETIRED man

And as he passed a ROASTER that made a strange sound just like a bark.

He lost his concentration and tripped over an Aardvark. 

S   

The SLIMY SLIPPERY SERPENT SLIPS SILENTLY underneath the 
 . . . . . SIDEWALK

In the dark where man and beast get eaten by a grumpy old  
 . . . . .  Night Hawk

And little dogs run about and annoy pedestrians with their
 . . . . Barks

And every one will run and hide with the arrival of . . . . . . . . .

(Huge indomitable and fearsome man eating) 

 . . . . Aardvarks.

T

In the TINY TOWNS in  . . . . . .  

THE hills of TRANSYLVANIA

Is a beast THAT drives THE population mad 

And has become a world compulsive mania?

With is sharp pointy TEETH . . . . . . 

Sucking blood in THE dark

Everyone lives in fear of 

THE Vampire Aardvark.

U  

Hanging Underneath Umbrellas 

You will find some ugly fish

Who think that they are bats 

Rather than a battered dish.

They think they are being clever 

Hiding from the multitude of sharks

But hiding in umbrellas 

Means they will be eaten by

Aardvarks. 

The Serpent on the Sidewalk

The Greatest A to Z  

Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

L

Never LAUGH at a LAZY LLAMA

It will only end in LEGAL drama

With LAWYERS making LOADS of cash.

As they sue you for being incredibly rash.

And never LET your dog bark in court

If you want to ensure the Aardvark is sought

As it scurries through the corridors of the power

To make its nest in the ivory tower

M

No one likes a large MONSTROUS MOLE.

A really huge one that will dig a large and rather MONSTROUS HOLE.

Destroying your lawns equilibrium and it MAJESTIC dynamic Flow.

Before it chases your dog and aardvarks,

Through the white winter Snow.

N

NEVER NIBBLE the toes of a NEWT

Or try to glue one inside your bosses boot

Because NEWTS you see have a NASTY streak

And will suck out your brains making your future bleak.

Yes NEWTS are clever

NEWTS have been known to bark

And it is a little known fact that they invented

The NEWTONIAN Aardvark

O

O dear said OSCAR as he dropped his pet OTTER

Into an ORIFICE made by a notorious Rotter

And although he tried to entice it with OCTOPUS livers 

It escaped OFF . . . . into the rivers

Because as we know

OTTERS are Tarka’s and not really givers.

(Tarka’s . . . .  Takers) HAH HAHAH AHH Ahah h hah ah ah hah h a hha ha ha haha ha ha ha.

P

PETER the PARROT is a PRICELESS bird

It can sing the Star Spangled Banner and impersonate the late Thora Hird

And if feeling PECKISH or can't think of the right word

It PRETENDS it’s the aardvark from Shakespeare’s play

Richard the Third.

Q

If you stand  . . . . . 

in a QUEUE . . . . . . . 

with a Gnu . . . . . . .

People will QUIETLY whisper . . . . . . .  

in a QUADRANGLE . . .  or two  . . 

Or QUIVER with fear and shout loudly. 

AuuuuuugggghhhhHH Shoo

Or throw bits of Aardvark . . . . . .  At the Smiling Gnu

And maybe at you.

R

ROUND the RUGGED ROCKS the RAGGED RASCAL RAN

Past a ROTUND RABBIT and a small bald RETIRED man

And as he passed a ROASTER that made a strange sound just like a bark.

He lost his concentration and tripped over an Aardvark. 

(A Lesser Spotted Bat Winged Aardvark)

S   

The slimy slippery serpent slips silently underneath the 
 . . . . . SideWalk

In the dark where man and beast get eaten by a grumpy old  
 . . . . .  Night Hawk

And little dogs run about and annoy pedestrians with their
 . . . . Barks

And every one will run and hide with the arrival of . . . . . . . . .

(Huge indomitable and fearsome man eating) 

 . . . . Aardvarks.  

.

.

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The WE LOVE XP . . . KEEP WINDOWS XP UNDEAD and the famous Professor George Aberchip Flightman.

Today was sunny very sunny and I have been out hunting Zombies, I need to recruit them for the campaign to save Windows XP, a campaign that so far has attracted a huge amount of interest. When I say a huge amount of interest, I am exaggerating a bit, OK a lot; it is in fact a huge lie. It has attracted no interest what so ever.  But I am not down hearted this is what happened to Professor  George Aberchip Flightman, He was never downhearted and fought on for years to ensure that his battle against the powers that be would be heard, and now he is a house hold name. He will for ever be remembered as the man who beat the system and proved that even in the face of the massed forces of government and the grinding wheels of bureaucracy and international corporate finance, being stubborn and determined will win out in the end.  I will become the George Aberchip Flightman of the future and will be able to pass his memorial and give him a nod and a wink in a knowing way.

Anyway the WE LOVE XP . . .  Keep Windows XP Undead campaign needs some street cred and one way of doing this is to get the Undead on side. Who could not sit up and notice as a happy smiling group of Zombies and Vampires shuffle down your High Street with placards  saying things Like . . . .  Save Our XP  . . . or . . . . .  XP has Good Bites . . .  or even . . . .  Give Us Your Brain, it can Help…….. or the classic The Microsoft Brains make good soup . . . . 

However after two years of battles with the undead with pointy sticks and the like I am finding it hard to convince them that I come in peace. I tried to show one of the clever ones why Windows XP has merit but he got lost at the point I plugged my PC into the extension lead in the garden. Zombies are not allowed in the house. He did cheer up and smile a bit when I showed him a cute cat on YouTube, his little face shouting out DINNER, but he sort of lost the plot again when he found he could not grab the cute cat from out of the screen. Annoyingly I now have Zombie teeth marks in my monitor. 

We did in the end make a deal and they (the Zombies) are willing to help on a one to one basis so for every XP operating system the Zombies help to save, I will give them a cute cat to chew on  a bit. . . . . YES YES I know it’s not what I planned, but cute cats are far less useful than Windows XP. In fact  . . . . . cute cats are less useful than Windows XP. . . . . is a rather catchy and useful slogan, I may use that

Right I expect support on this, just remember Professor  George Aberchip Flightman.



Oooooo yes I have the perfect WE LOVE XP Song  . . . . .Although you do need to substitute the words Bela Lugosi's  with Windows XP is

.

The Keep XP Undead Kampaign (not todays K post that was the last one)

It appears that after a long battle Microsoft Windows XP has almost lost its war with the elements as it slips into the shadows of cyberspace history, I say almost because at present it appears that of all people, the British Government has come to its rescue. . . . . I know it's a shock.  But there are good sound reasons for this, the underlying main one being, the IT folk of the British government are all getting on a bit (like the Ghost Writer) and Windows XP is integrated so deeply into some of the database systems it will be a serious pain in the ***** to untangle the mess. Old IT folk do not like hassle so if they can keep it alive for a while longer they will all get to retire and leave some young keen IT geek to sort it all out.

Anyway as I was chit chatting about in the vast voids of cyberspace I found some Linux folk sniggering and not being nice about Windows XP.  Linux users have historically always seen themselves as the rebellious underdog fighting the fight of the common man against the grinding wheels of the establishment and true it was the case back in the old days when most folk did not understand Linux and just wanted to look at a cute cat on the internet. 

But I feel the tide has turned the true eccentrics of cyberspace have finally said lets get retro and say enough is enough, leave us to bimble about with what we like and know and are happy with. We don’t want more and more new shiny operating systems and devices, most folk hardly scratch the surface of the old systems before it is deemed obsolete.

So today I have started the . . . . . WE LOVE XP campaign KEEP WINDOWS XP UNDEAD, it has the added advantage I get to draw Zombies, Banshees and Vampires and everyone likes a friendly Zombie. I will tell you all now it is a futile and ultimately doomed campaign, but has all the makings of a truly maverick and eccentric campaign that will keep all those young IT geeks annoyed for ages as they proclaim I am an IDIOT and XP is Rubbish. But we all know they are wrong as it is really easy to look at cute cats on the internet with and that is what counts (No the cat is not counting . . . it just looks like it on Youtube).

Share or be Square  

Frogs and Flying Fish

The Greatest A to Z  

Aardvark based Nonsense Poetry in the World 

A
Poetry is easy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or so some say

So through the ALPHABET . . . . . .I will play

Starting right here . . . here with the letter A

AND a rather silly nonsense poem, to end the day.

So to the distant sound of a mad dogs bark.

I’ll start AT the start with thee AARDVARK.

AH

DAMN.

B

The BEE and the BEAR met a BEAVER

Who looked rather aggressive with a large meat cleaver?

He shouted be gone, BACK off, and leave me BE

I’m BUSY chopping down, this BIG tree.

So the BEE he BUZZED and the BEAR he growled

And a BANSHEE somewhere BEHIND them howled

And that then made the mad dog BARK

Then what turned up BUT another Aardvark

AH

DAMN (again)

C

Here we are by the C

All blue and wavy and a little wet maybe

With CATERPILLARS CUTE and CUDL-EEE. . . (No its not CHEATING)

And we all run about on the COUNT of three.

As CRABS and CATFISH play in the bay

Or so the gnarled old Seadogs do say

But Seadogs are mad and tend to bark

Arousing the monstrous Sea Aardvark

O NO

AAAAauuuuuuuuuuugggghhhHHHHH

D

DID the DODO DIE out or was it a DECEPTION

To avoid meeting Great DANES at a posh reception

Because all they do is shout and bark

So is the DODO now DISGUISED as a smallish Aardvark

And does your DOG get up with the lark

And chase sticks about in the park

And is it mad and tend to Bark

Annoying the park keepers trusty old and loyal Aardvark

E

When an ELEPHANT meets an ELECTRIC EEL

There is bound to be a noisy squeal

As one beast gets squashed by the others heel

And  . . . . . . . (slight pause and wait)

Creates a huge ten thousand volt Arc

Which is the sort of voltage that will make a dog bark

Or light up they EYES of an adult Aardvark.

Out in the deserts of his favourite park.

F

They say it’s the Fault of the barking dog

That made the Frogs Flee into the Fog

And made the Fishermen turn to grog

While Flying Fish flutter over a Floating log

And Yet

The constant sound of mad dogs Barks

Results in the thundering hoofs of stampeding Aardvarks