The inverted molecular antimatter generator and Isaac Newton's great error about gravity

Today dad has been working on a new steam powered electro-mechanical device; it’s an inverted molecular antimatter generator using fundamental matter-antimatter symmetry to create the inverted antimatter being of ourselves within a world that is equal and opposite to the one we exist in. I can here some of you saying WHAT? And who can blame you it is what I said when I was told I was going to be given the privilege of testing the prototype out. Not that I don’t trust dads mad machines but I did notice his first attempt at transporting an apple into its antimatter state ended in a  small pile of ash. So it was decided that the only fair and safe way to conduct this experiment was to use one of the cats. As Heavy Harry the Cat is large and rather aggressive with long claws Sooty the Cat was volunteered because he is soft and stupid, the ideal properties for such an important experiment never undertaken before.

The experiment was not entirely successful because as the force field between the two opposite and opposing worlds started to come into view, Sooty the cat was unable to cross the barrier because there was a cat on the other side blocking his route across the barrier and when we tried to shoo the cat on the other side away someone on the other side of the barrier did the same to Sooty the Cat. Then Sooty the Cat lost interest and ran off at exactly the same time as the cat on the other side of the barrier did, it was very annoying if only Sooty had stayed put a few more seconds. Dad did try throwing another apple at the barrier in frustration but it turned to ash.  

The dog is now convinced that the violent reaction that the apples are experiencing may indicate that apples are not entirely fixed in our own time space dimension and that it may be best not to eat them. DAMN I have spent three days pruning all the apple trees so that we get loads of them next year that is a bit of a blow. Apparently the dog says that if apples are not in the same time space dimension as us then poor old Isaac Newton made a terrible error when he sat under that apple tree; and he is super gluing his kennel to the ground as I type. I don’t know why he is doing that, he never uses it except to store bones and old books on Latin. Mum has said the dog is an IDIOT…….. PHEW it’s not me this time ………… AH …… apparently I am too.  

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Bradley Wiggins lookalikes, a huge ferret and a spider

It was the first day of the Michaelmas Fair in the Bishops Castle; he has always liked a good fair and lots of steam. In the past I have been known to play djembe but the old band of drummers has now dwindled to just the two of us and my colleague who lives in the Bishops Castle has run off to things more exciting for the weekend. So I have spent the day having a big bonfire, these things are very useful, it allows us to dispose of loads of garden waste, plus mum can dispose of old classified confidential papers from MI6 and the dog gets to toast marshmallows. As it turned out staying here and having a bonfire may have been the right move, as during the day three ambulances passed heading off in the direction of the Bishops Castle with lights flashing. Then a short while ago a police car with its lights and siren both going shot passed heading towards the Bishops Castle followed a few minutes later by an ambulance with its lights and siren going.  

  

And no one can blame me as I was not there so PHEW.

This spider was passed by a Bradley Wiggins lookalike but showed no interest

First thing this morning we took a trip to Monty (the place not the man) to get stuff on the basis that getting in and out of the Bishops Castle would be a bit manic, only it was manic in Monty, not sure why but it was. But we saw loads of people and chatted, leapt out of the way of a man in a motor home who was a bit confused and determined to eliminate things and people, and got the stuff we wanted. We then saw a huge beast on the way home that tried to eat a Bradley Wiggins lookalike just outside Monty, it was either a polecat or a ferret but it was huge, maybe twenty feet long. But it did help us get past the Bradley Wiggins lookalike when it ripped the tyre of his bicycle and he vanished off into the hedge, they both vanished off into the hedge as it happens so rather convenient. Then after that we were confronted by a few more Bradley Wiggins lookalikes plus Bradley Wiggins dad lookalikes and what appeared to be Bradley Wiggins Great Great Great Great Granddad’s lookalike; although I must admit none of us know what he would look like.  I think all the Bradley Wiggins lookalikes may be to do with Tour of Britain passing through Montgomery yesterday.

 In response I would Like to say........ OH no I dont 

Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens look out Aliens.

I know from the title of today’s diary entry it would not be an unreasonable assumption to expect some sort of alien being, but no after yesterday they have all run away again because it appears Mr Jones is back in the Woods waiting with his sub-ether intergalactic transceiver and an autographed photograph of himself with this friend Elvis. Not the real Elvis but an Elvis impersonator from Leamington Spa who told Mr Jones that he too has seen things that an Elvis impersonator with a powerful pair of binoculars should not see. I am not entirely convinced they are entirely on the same wavelength in their thoughts.

I spent yet another quite day at school having arrived late after missing the replacement bus. I think the problem was I was pottering about watching a buzzard which looked a bit eagle like to me, and the next thing I know, everyone was waving at me from out of the clouds of steam and smoke as the old bus (I say bus it was a bit pre bus) struggled up the hill. I did set off in hot pursuit but I too struggled up the hill and I don’t have wheels to roll down the steep hill on the other side. Interestingly the old school bus did have wheels but no brakes so in order to avoid crushing the new pupils who are still wandering about in a daze, the bus driver and his faithful stoker used the headmasters car to stop the bus, or as the headmaster himself insisted in calling it (the bus not his car) a Bl********* great traction engine; it did rather dent (crush) his car.

When I said look out aliens right at the start I was not telling the aliens they needed to look out, it was more a run round in circles with hands flapping about and implying we needed to look out for Aliens only I was lying a bit because today’s only real danger was Esmeralda’s  interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment and in all fairness she was focused mainly on the goat. I didn’t know that goats could run that fast …….WELL COOL  

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Suspect Martian war machines and the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind

After a day of discussing geo-thermal parabolic troughs and the influence of neoclassical architecture on post modernist architectural design as well as an experiment into whether caterpillars prefer red cabbage or purple sprouting broccoli. School ended yet again fairly quietly. Esmeralda has been much happier today after discovering that with the aid of her steam powered bionic arms she can throw the javelin almost 500 metres, and by using her interchangeable clip on power grinder she is able to sharpen the point so that it will; to use her own words ‘PIERCE the toughest skin, even that of a grumpy aging goat’.  

Since arriving home the man from ASDA has been and gone and did not knock his mirror off on this occasion and I have been out looking at the bonfire I started up yesterday as it is still happily burning away in its little bin. I have also started pruning the fruit trees a bit and cut the grass and investigated the purple sprouting broccoli or what’s left of it ……. AH.

The dog was telling me that there were suspect Martian war machines in the fields not to far away; he even took pictures to prove it. Both the dog and Mr Jones said that they had been to see the Martians to appease them. The dog took a large partly chewed bone as a gift and Mr Jones a photograph of himself with no clothes on in case they wished to experiment on a human. The dog said he did not see the point in the photograph as Mr Jones was not wearing any clothes anyway and thinks this is why they vanished off rather sharpish. In fact the dog thinks Mr Jones is probably the main reason that intelligent intergalactic alien beings have never communicated with mankind, because if Mr Jones is first on the scene not wearing any clothes and smiling and waving at them holding a large placard saying Hello I’m your friend, it is no wonder they leave as fast as they can. It probably explains the unfortunate incident when he thought the motorway patrol car that had stopped so that the police could have their evening meal (cheese sandwiches) during the night shift was an alien space craft. It was the flashing blue lights that confused Mr Jones and it did not help that the police sergeant had to be taken to hospital when he choked on his sandwich as Mr Jones emerged out of the mist….smiling.  

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