Man Bits Dog and other news of no importance.

It is a funny old world, what with things going on in other parts of the world ticking away under the radar of news; or news that anyone other than a very few might want to know about.  Still we will see what we will see mum and dad say the wheels of life are turning and the will only go at the speed they will go.

Dad and the dog complain about the news in newspapers all the time and grumble that the end of the world and thousands of people dying or wars are side by side with stupid none event stories like celebrities wearing paper bags on their heads and riding unicycles while swearing at television cameras or three headed dogs eating ice cream and meringue and getting dragged off to the dog pound for questioning about multiple identities. The dog tends to read those stories and then grumbles a bit but I think he likes dog stories on the grounds that the only ones that ever make the newspapers are the ones with the headline Man Bites Dog, the dog really does moan about them and says any dog stupid enough to let a man bite him should not be allowed to make money by selling their story to the press.

The silly ghost write has been you know where today, yes the grey office really I tell him every week DON’T DO IT but no off he goes all smiles thinking everything will be just hunky dory and tickety boo and then back he comes like a zombie again. Some people are saying he is now so scrabbled he really does think he is me. We had all this last week and now he is driving about in a silly car that looks like a giant bubble car or as has been described by one person a play mobile, Still it cheered the dog up when he saw it; he fell about on his back laughing and said he better not try and bite it in case it bursts.

The ghost writer says NOT FAIR.      

Mothers day and the bugging device

Have just returned from the Mothers Day family get together, it all went very well and there was loads of yummy food and cakes. I did not leap up and down on the trampoline this time while eating so I don’t feel sick so that is WELL COOL. Anyway we are back home now and are chilling in front of the fire.

We didn’t do the traditional party games at the family get together so it was not as bouncy as normal although one or two members of the family did go and bounce on the trampoline so hopefully they are not feeling sick. When we got home Pirate Pete and the Dog were playing I Spy the dog was wearing his FBI designer dark sunglasses and reading a news paper waiting for Heavy Harry the cat to be delivered by Pirate Pete in a plain brown envelope. I think both the dog and Pirate Pete have the wrong idea about I Spy because Pirate Pete has hung a fishing net in the corner of dads workshop and is hanging from it he thinks he was playing I Spider. The dog has said it explained why he was waiting so long for him to turn up with Heavy Harry in a plain brown envelope.  Poor old Heavy Harry had been wrapped up in silk and was hanging in the corner of the fishing net. Anyway Heavy Harry has eaten and fallen asleep by the fire now so it seems he is not affected by the game of I Spy.  The dog said he has bugged Mr Jenkins house but he said he didn’t have any electronic devices to use so he has used Cockcoaches instead.  I think that might be Mrs Jenkins screaming now.  

Four poster beds, Mr Putin and Rastafarian dominos

One of the draw backs to sleeping in a big four poster bed with drapes and stuff is when they need to be taken off and put back again it takes ages. I know it’s not that normal to sleep in big grand four posters with drapes but mum insists; mum and dad’ as I have said before have one from the Imperial Palace in Moscow.

Not sure where my one came from but if was not Moscow and when ever I ask Mum and Dad why they were given theirs by that Mr Putin bloke they always say DON’T ASK and dad says its best if I don’t put that in my diary anyway AH I did it again I think, SORRY. We have a picture of Mr Putin hanging in our dinning room, apparently it is the only one in town, well almost because Napoleon Beelzebub has one in his Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop but I don’t think that counts because he has loads of stuff no one else has.

We are all off for a family get together tomorrow at some point for Mothers Day. Auntie Karen won’t be there because she says she will be crowd surfing while playing both the saxophone and ukulele at the same time, not many people can do that although dad had a friend who could play the piano and a guitar at the same time. Somewhere in the house we have a cassette tape of him doing that but our house has a lot of stuff in it and even the stuff has stuff in it so it could be anywhere.

As it was such a nice day me and the dog went for a walk in the woods once we got near the clearing in the middle we found all the Banshee’s practicing playing domino’s, I think mum keeps beating them and they are trying to get better at it. They play it the same way as the Rastafarians do where they crash the dominoes onto the table it is well cool to watch but a bit noisy. Me and dad don’t play domino’s any more because at Christmas Granny would always cheat so no one else could win not even Mum or Great Great Great Granddad so we stopped playing but mum likes Rastafarian dominos as it reminds her of snow ball fights?      

I have remembered to use paragraphs tonight; my proof reader says I need to use more paragraphs, but I get paragraphs and parachutes mixed up all the time. The English teacher has told me to stop taking paragraphs to school because her cupboard is now full of them and she hates heights anyway. I still have not got the hang of English yet. 

Sorry Nothing happened today and I can not get into the Wood Mouse's Party

What an interesting day today because nothing really happened I went to school and came home and said hello to Mr Jenkins. Me and the dog had a really good think about what had happened but the dog thinks nothing happened of any note to him either so we then went and asked mum and dad.

Dad said he had downloaded the manual for a car from the internet but that does not count so dad has done nothing either and mum said she was ordering calendars and O Dear cards for Mr Beelzebub well that does not count so; so far no one has done anything or to put it another way everyone has done nothing. I did wonder if Pirate Pete had done anything but he said OOOOOOO NO WHY OOOOOO IT WASN’T ME  so even if he has done something I don’t know what it is so I cant write about it so that means I still don’t have anything to write about except nothing and I am not sure how much anyone can say about that. I even asked Captain Flint He said he had done loads of things today but it turned out to be eating loads of Brazil nuts and I had to tell him it doesn’t count either. I wish I hadn’t because he went off on one then complaining that I was belittling both parrots and eating Brazil nuts and if he was writing a diary it would mention Brazil nuts ever day. And if mine does not then he was not going to read it, Parrots cant read silly bird, not much anyway. It has still left me with the problem of having nothing to write about tonight although Flipper the Wood Mouse has just told me he made a whole in the wall of our hallway today as a new home and was having a moving in party tonight and we are all welcome. That would be fine but none of us can fit through the hole so can’t go, well that is not entirely true because the Nonobot family from under my bed are going. Anyway that is it really sorry everyone but these things happen, it is the weekend ahead so more time to do things and as I have nothing to say I will go and eat loads of food YUM.

Elaine Kerley                                    That's a lot to say about nothing!

Eighty seven thousand words and counting