The Fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence and a quite look back at the past

It continues to rain here rather a lot and the ground is well and truly saturated, the fabled minor stream of inconsequence that runs behind our house and off into the wood must be at least a good 12 to 18 inches deep and almost three feet wide. This means that it still only counts as a minor stream of inconsequence which bearing in mind all the rain and flooding in Britain is rather good when you live in a bungalow.

I really should write loads more but am going to do a sneaky and tell you what I wrote way back on Friday, 28 October 2011 . . . (why I hear you type, well I’m lazy and its wet and dark and the middle of winter).

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The new house is right at the far end of the wood, right at the end of a thin ribbon of wood that follows the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence, the source of which is right next to our new house. So me and the dog thought it was time to take a little trip to explore. There were two reasons for this. The first was that it has been a very quiet day; the second reason is I really can’t believe you wish to hear about boxes again.

The third reason is it has been rather nice and sunny today an excellent time to explore woods (I sound like Monty Python now). So three reasons why I was in the woods, although the forth one would be that the sequel to the blockbuster movie of the book; (book one) based on this, book two, so far is full of boxes, and that is not a good plot. So four reasons why no one expects the Spanish Inquisition….. Mum has said you know what again, sorry mum however I have thought of a fifth reason……. No only kidding.

 In the woods the trees are all loosing there leaves and many animals are hibernating such as Hedgehogs, Bears, Beavers, The Lemmings of Petrograd, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank always gets hibernating and flying south for the winter mixed up, which is an easy thing to do according to mum and dad, but I think they are being nice. But it is cheaper for Uncle Frank to hibernate in the wood than spend all winter partying in Ibiza

We had a long wander through the woods, the dog destroying yet another catapult made by the Dodo’s. He says it will be the last of the year as they have turned their attention to building a Jacuzzi (otherwise known as a hot tub) to keep them cosy over the winter months.  This is the result of them getting to read a Woman’s Own magazine left in the wood by a camper. Yes you see the consequences of leaving your rubbish in the countryside. The repercussions of these acts are not always easy to predict, so please ensure you always clear all your rubbish and dispose of it correctly. Thank you.

Dam it distracted again; we made it to the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence and as was discussed last time (Yes you do need to pay attention) we found evidence of the Madman of the Woods, we even thought we heard the distant call of the wild; HAR HAR HARDY HA HAR a sound with a familiar ring to it. The dog even found prints of a strange animal in the muddy banks of the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence a strange creature with six legs …………. …………. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Anyway it got dark and we had to return home as we were all visiting a particularly famous old lady of Monty who is ninety nine today; and it is not the done thing not to visit. So we did. I did say she was not to run about in the night singing in the street and climbing lamp posts. Mum said IDIOT which I thought was a bit harsh after all she is 99 ……….. AH apparently she was referring to me. 

I have a friend, called Mr Jones.

Who is famous for his, scary groans.

And likes to wear, a pointy hat.

While dancing with, the vampire bat.

And in the middle of the night.

He will knock on doors, to give you a fright.

But at Halloween, he is in the wood

To shout TRICK OR TREAT at …………  Robin Hood.

HA HAH HAHAHH hahah hah hahhah hahhahhah hahahah hha ha ha hah hah hahah.

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OK back to 2014 yes a lot of time has passed; the dog is still with the Pope I think, teaching him stuff about the Romans and Greeks and the little old lady died having reached 101. And I gave up spelling DAMN like DAM because folk thought I was silly and they did not see the ironic dark humour of a large wall holding back all that water. Since spelling DAMN correctly all that water is now all outside and I think that says everything. . . . . 

AH I may have to use an old picture tonight also . . . . . .DAM . . . . . HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH HA HAH HA HAHHAH haha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha.  

Gosh I have written a lot of rubbish in the last few years……

The worlds most pointless invention and dogs

I was not planning to write anything tonight after all I did say that I was not going to write things everyday and  today would have been a good day to start as all I did was move some wood I got back in the spring to a dryer place and sweep leaves. Although strangely sweeping leaves is a dying art since someone invented the leaf blower which is almost the most pointless invention in the world; using loads of energy to blow leaves from point A to point B so that the wind or your neighbour will blow the leaves back to point A, your neighbour of course using his leaf blower to do this. Using a yard brush sweeping the leafs into a pile and then putting them on the compost pile is for more eco, OK less fun and much harder work  . . . . . . . Hang on I want a leaf blower.

Talk of leaves is not why I am here however, I am here because of dogs who as it happens like to run about in leaves and chew leaf blowers and yard brushes. You see I was eating food watching a bit of TV as the dining table is covered in faulty cardboard birds at present and they happen to say that a huge number of folk do not have any savings (hardly news). They then went on to say ideally everyone should have enough money saved to live for six months  AH HAH HAH h ha hah ah ha haha ha ha ha ha ha yes we wish. They then went on to say folk could make some extra cash having car boot sales, making cakes, or dog walking which will pay about fifteen pounds an hour . . . . . . . . . . . WHAT FIFTEEN POUNDS AN HOUR, I think they must be the wrong side of the Watford Gap somewhere down South in London as up in these parts you can buy a whole pack of dogs for fifteen pounds. I told the Ghost Writer who is the IT Guru for a local charity and he was dead upset he gets less than that per hour for IT and said people must be barking mad and it is a bit Ruff for those of us in the real world.

Just to add to the annoyance I was feeling about this it appears the head of a large bank was filmed buying or using some rather serious illegal drugs, but its OK because he has apologised.  Quite frankly he should be sacked and told to take up dog walking as the fresh air will do him good, but I suspect it will all end in a golden handshake and a  pension…….. GGGggggrrrrrrrrrrrr…….

Woof

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Aliens, interesting geometric shapes and large green monsters

Being a pupil; head boy as it happens (as you should all know) at a post modernist cyber-Academy somewhere in cyberspace, has certain advantages to that of a traditional school. You see on a hot sunny summer’s day when the students, and teachers for that matter are ambling about aimlessly bumping into one another and accidently sawing cats in half in the woodwork class, the health and safely officer can send everyone home on the spur of the moment. . . . So he did, on the grounds that he fancied a nice chilled day, I think more schools need to think like this it is great for student and teacher morale and a sunny day helps intelligence, (a well know fact).

At home I decided that it was time to attack and destroy three monsters in the garden three large green monsters known to all as The Three Bishops. These three monsters have been staring at us for some time now biding their time waiting for a loss of concentration so that they could pounce. Now none of us have got it in for Bishops in particular, but even a Bishop can be in the wrong place and so out came the chainsaw and I chopped then up and will burn the Bishops in the next few days. It is not everyone who gets to set fire to a Bishop.

In other news it appears that while I was busy doing battle chopping the arms and legs off Bishops aliens had left a sign in the fields to the side and behind us in the grass. Creating interesting geometric shapes which Mr Jones insists are telling him they wish make contact with the government and that we should phone the prime Minister and get him here pronto. He would of course do it himself but apparently they have blocked his phone and told him rather unfairly that he is a raving IDIOT, OK he might be a little over enthusiastic but not a raving IDIOT. And you can’t deny we have a field full of interesting geometric shapes suddenly turned up today out of nowhere.

Oooooo yes if anyone is wondering where the dog is at present he is on a sabbatical; being large and from the South American Jungle with red eyes and also fluent in Latin he felt he needed to go and chat to the Pope and advise him on stuff; and maybe nibble the odd saints bones to authenticate them.

Since dad reset the weather machine after the issue with the Big Red Button, the weather has been hunky dory here, I might press it again if things go down hill

Cats and Cables and The End of the World

Oooooooo the world has suddenly woken up to the fact that the world is due to end on the 21^st December, well golly gosh and not before time after all I have explained exactly what to expect (cheese, gulls, aliens maybe a chicken and yod) but have the masses paid any attention to my detailed analysis of the situation, no.  Its really strange its almost as if they think I am mad or something and just talking a whole load of rubbish.

I will admit I think I might be going a bit mad, my spat of loosing things is not going well as I lost a key piece of paper today it was the piece of paper with a secret code word on it, apparently if we all shout this code word on the 21^st Dec it will trigger a reaction that will halt the End of the World but as I say I have sort of put it somewhere safe. I am not sure where this safe place is but I am beginning to think it must be a decent size because every day it appears to have more stuff in it. The dog has said it is probably best not to tell the world that I have sort of mislaid the piece of paper that would save everyone because they might get a bit annoyed with me and shout a lot. Shout almost everything in fact except the right word.

One of the great frustrations of the last few days is that I appear to have lost more than I have achieved. The dog has expanded this principle into his own theory on The Great Apocalypse and thinks it will all come to an abrupt end not because of Huge Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Angry Aliens and just maybe a Chicken, but as a result of me putting the world in a safe place. I have told the dog it might be a good idea because if the world was in a safe place the aliens would never find it and it would be safe, and even I could not loose something as big as the World (I think).

We also think that Harry the Cat might be in cahoots with the aliens because he has taken to watching us from round corners, lurking in the shadows and just wagging his tail. Cats wagging tails is not like dogs wagging tails, cats wagging tails is not good, this can confuse a dog who will think the cat is happy and wants to play.  So I think we all need to keep our eyes on cats for a few days to make sure they are not part of The Apocalypse

I am told that another telltale sign that the End is Nigh is scrambled cables, cables of a certain length can pick up the oscillations that are emitted by encroaching doom and will twist together for protection in the same way eels do and cows when being stalked by rabbits (hang on that sounds wrong. This encyclopaedia might have been cheap but its rubbish). Anyway I noticed evidence of this effect today and have recorded the photographic evidence for you all to see.

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The local Remembrance Day memorial service, a Bi-plane and The Great Escape

Today started as a lovely sunny day although it was rather frosty and so we had porridge for breakfast, this is something of a tradition when it starts to get cold, in our house (not cold in the house but outside) and so I think we can now well and truly say that we are officially in Winter.  Not sure exactly what I was doing this morning myself although I do remember dad swearing at a car battery that was meant to fit into his car after he changed the one that he was sold that turned out to be the wrong size.  Although the battery was the right size the bracket that holds it in place did not fit the new battery, why do companies keep changing stuff all the time there must be a good reason for it? Anyway after much swearing and throwing of spanners at passing pigeons it was all sorted and his car now has a new battery.

While all this was happening (I say all it was not that exciting really) there was a Bi-plane above our house that someone appeared to be joy riding in or what ever the aeronautical equivalent of joy riding is. It seems like an odd place to do it, above our house all that loop the loop and whizzing about in little circles and the like, because there was only us watching and I always thought they did stuff like that in Bi-planes at air shows with loads of people going Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh (not AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh). Then after a bit the Bi plane sort of flew off.

The next thing was a Sparrow Hawk flying round the house although it did not do loop the loop or any other sort of trick really and all the sparrows were hiding going AAAAAAAUUuuuuuuuuuugghggghgghghghgh (not  Ooooooooo  . . . . . . .Aaaaahhhhhhhh)

Then we had lunch

Then we went off to the local Remembrance Day memorial service at the local church, now to tell the truth we are not really church type folk but when you live in a tiny place and you are invited along, it is bad form not to go and do you bit.  It is also bad form so the dog found out to dress up as Rommel and drive round to the church in a tiger tank even if it is a life size cardboard mock-up propelled by a dog on a unicycle in a Rommel disguise. The dog was therefore locked in the kitchen with two cats watching him from cardboard boxes on stools each with a torch panning backwards and forwards to ensure he was unable to escape. Just so they did not get too bored we left a pummel horse, a baseball ball and an old motorbike in the Kitchen for the dog, and told the cats they were allowed to throw the dog in the coal cellar if he tried to get away.

When we got back and dad told the dog off after he (dad) fell down a tunnel called Tom we ate food and pointed at clouds in the sky and wondered why there were two suns setting in the sunset, that was a bit odd but I did get a picture.   

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A jet wash, a cat, an RSPCA man and the best selling book on farming..... and a blog award

I was jet washing the path at the back of the house as it getting a bit slippery with mould and the like, as it is to the North side of the house. Apparently I was told that it was possible that I personally would be sued if someone fell as it is my responsibility to jet-wash it. This came about after a game of Paper Scissors Stone where as you will have guessed I lost again….. I don’t mind using the jet wash although the bottom two feet of me, not my two feet although the bottom two feet of me includes my two feet, got rather wet. As most of you will not know I only wear Converse trainers and have done so for a long time (it is a long story), they are usually rather battered so I ended up with very wet feet (two feet).

While I was doing the path the dog suggested that I could wash the cats at the same time, they are sulking now and both mum and the RSPCA man have said IDIOT. I did explain it was the dogs idea but when the RSPCA man went to see the dog he just sat there wagged his tail and picked up a piece of wood. When I tried to explain to him that the dog talks Latin and does my maths homework the RSPCA man said IDIOT again to me, and the dog dropped the piece of wood on his foot (one foot). He limped off then muttering (the Man not the dog or piece of wood) and the dog fell about in hysterics and was whispering something in Latin to mum. It appears it is best that the RSPCA don’t know that the dog speaks Latin as it would only cause problems, although it appears to be causing a few for me today.

Someone was telling me today about some best selling book all about crop farming, that is rather annoying, here am I on book two of my life and still no luck with that nice Steven Spielberg yet apparently he says he is waiting to see how it pans out as a series and is waiting for book four, and yet a book on farming I am told is selling like hot cakes. Well I guess cakes tend to be made of wheat so there is a sort of link but it is very annoying indeed.  I was planning to get a copy via the internet but mum said IDIOT again too, I guess she is right I have no interest in farming and a best selling book on farming is not going to change that.

OK that’s it I must away now and go and do other things before it gets dark and try and convince the cats that bold patches are trendy for cats this year……. Ooooo yes before I forget that book is called ‘Fifty Grades of Hay’ ……. No sorry but that sounds very boring? 

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I was awarded an award yesterday, and as you know I am not good with awards I have a few lost in the system somewhere. Anyway it was given by someone new to me so I have investigated their blog and it reminded me of Miss Lily. I like Miss Lily’s Blog so that is a good sign.  I think they really wanted to give the award to Miss Lily and not me but well Miss Lily has a shed full of awards so after many attempts to give the award to all the deserving Blogs who also have shed’s full of awards I got it. Apparently a friend of a friend said “Hay that Rob has a cool dog that speaks Latin and stuff like that, and it has rained in the UK since, well forever so give it to him he will never notice” that is not entirely true. They also said (the friend of a friend) “oooooo he will be a grumpy *********** ******* so just keep you head down and ignore anything he says he will whinge like hell”.  Now that is true …. Anyway here is said award  

 

This Award was awarded by Crazy Mama at (see link below) so have a look 

Cant keep it in no More

Many thanks 

There were questions and stuff but it is late so I will not do that now but all my favourite blogs will be found below the posts 

The hair of the dog or mushrooms on toast covered in dog hair

This morning we had to remove the bulb from the security light as it is still on, however in the light of day we have seen no mushrooms, yes and that includes looking in my mushroom growing kit. The dog is saying that is the way of mushrooms here one minute gone the next although in the dogs case that is normally a result of a large mushroom stroganoff with a drop of rum in it. It is not uncommon for the dog to say after his mushroom stroganoff those mushrooms were my best mates they were I’ll just have one more rum to toast them. 

The dog will normally follow this with mushrooms on toast to sober up saying it’s the hair of the dog which is sort of true as the mushrooms on toast end up covered in dog hair

The rest of today was fairly quiet although we did get to look at a tiny little car for sale that can do 3000 miles to the gallon and folds up so you can pop it in your wallet and save on parking. It was even automatic and had a boot (Trunk in the USA I think) that would hold a whole cat (well a small one not Heavy Harry). And I got to throw a load of cardboard boxes in a skip too.

Finally a bit of sad news poor old Poddy the dog who entertained and kept the punters happy at The Sun Inn died in his sleep after a long and happy life. I really think taking up staircase surfing at his age was not a good move, and he could have done with a couple of extra feet to stop. That’s feet as in length not as in feet as in attached to legs, although thinking about it maybe he could have done with a few of them too.

OK that’s it today things to do. places to go (no that last bit is wrong I’m not going anywhere now until the morning) 

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getting frazzled and buying an old fashioned Amphitheatre.

There is a lot going on at present what with one thing and another so I am off drumming tonight in the hills ( I have the right date this time I hope) to escape it all. Mum and dad say their brains are frazzled and are hiding under the table while the dog says the best thing to do under stress is eat food. Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat agree.

Still the dog and the cats say the best thing to do in any situation is eat, so the general chaos of our world is, as far as the cats are concerned  of no concern except they can eat loads. The dog says things have gone right down hill since the legal profession stopped talking in Latin and all the extra complications would never happen if we were buying a good old fashioned Amphitheatre. It would also have the added advantage we could feed anyone we didn’t like much to the Lions and race chariots about.

I must admit it has been a long time since we have raced a chariot about, I think the last time was through the frozen food section of the big supermarket ages and ages ago. Anyway as I said at the start we are all sort of frazzled so I am off (not as starting to decompose and starting to smell but as in WhoooooooooooossssshhhhHHH what was that? Only a bit slower). Mum cant shout IDIOT as she is hiding under the table........and its raining and cold......

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Ecstasy and teenagers with dummies, teeth, the Garden of Eden and the Eden Project.

Well last nights meal was good although there were three young teenage kids who were sucking dummies outside and kicked the door rather hard. As it happens the door was made of steel so they may be wandering about limping now. The word IDIOT seems to come to mind. But what’s all this teenagers with dummies stuff, I thought I was the Eccentric Child.

The dog has suggested it is to indicate to the world that they are also dummies, not as in sit in a Volvo and then get driven at high speed at a wall. More run at a wall at high speed and bounce off it, the dummies then stop their teeth falling out. Although the dog is fairly convinced that the hardened few who persist with the habit long term end up lying in a bed with railings like a large cot going GAGA GUGU (not a reference to the singer by the way).

The dog also says it’s an Ecstasy thing, those on Ecstasy do grind their teeth a lot and a good dummy (or to be technical A Pacifier) stops them from grinding their teeth to nothing.

Anyway today has been about a bit of gardening behind Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and several trips to the recycling with garden waste. Well that was hard work; I am not entirely sure why I am clearing his garden for him. I know he does not like gardening not since all that trouble in the Garden of Eden in Cornwall when he got all confused with the other one; convincing a party of pensioners to eat the only  black watermelon in Britain. He told them it would restore their teeth and they would all have sparkly white smiles and their days of swapping false teeth in the day room at the old folk’s home would be over.  As it happened their trip to the Eden Project was over instead, although they put up a good fight according to Mr Beelzebub and in the end the police were called.

We have also just about sorted the invite for the Christmas Preview at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop on the 4^th Nov and the Angel of the Norse is a bit goldish in colour although still has no hands yet and My Beelzebub says he wants it to be flying in the Window how ……. WHAT ….. NOT FAIR.  Mum says he is the devil and its best just to get on and sort it, I think I better get some advice from the dog. No he’s not that good at flying or the high wire act as it happens but he is very good at technical stuff.  

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the origin of Touch Wood. The Indian Call Centre and an Orange

Sorry yesterday was not very exciting but as I have said many times this is life and unlike that silly Harry Potter bloke who is all made up and even got right moody and grumpy in the end. I must watch the last movie sometime. But I suspect from the total lack of hype it was not that good. I think in the end the series was two films too long. Its commercial greed you know it ruins stuff.

The Ghost writer called in tonight to see how everything is going, and we said with luck all is as it should be “Touch Wood”; where does all this touching wood come from. The dog says it goes back to the days of making long bows and the bow makers would feel the grain in the wood and would know it was a good bow. According to the dog he is the only one in the world left who knows so it is just as well I asked the question when he was about.

The Ghost Writer was also saying that he had a phone call from a man in an Indian Call Centre today (no not Red Indians) and it went something like this

Hello is that Mr Geddes

Yes

Hello I am conducting a survey and have a few questions

Ok

You are Mr Barrie Geddes

No my name is John

Are you sure I thought you were Mr Barrie Geddes

No my name is John. Barrie is my identical twin brother but he is a pathological liar so you can’t believe him

……………. A long Silence ………………….

So you are Mr John Geddes

Yes

So I can ask you some questions for a survey

Yes; although how can you be sure I an not Barrie Geddes the pathological liar

I am sure you would not lie to me sir

No I wouldn’t unless I am Barrie Geddes then I might

But you said you were John Geddes

I did but I might be lying

………………….. A long Silence ……………….

Thank you sir I will try again later

Ok although Barrie might be back then

Anyway he had only just hung up when a woman phoned and said

Cor Blimey mate it’s Sarah from Orange here me old sweetheart housE yer doing guv.

I take it Sarah you are not phoning from an Indian Call Centre

Crikey  mate not me mate HA HA HA Naaaa I’m from Orange

I’m sorry Sarah I must go I have a Lemon to deal with

What?????

Doesn’t Orange do the speaking clock?

Naaaaa I don’t think so

I thought they did all the talk of “At the Third PIP” ….. HA hah hah hah hah hahahahh hahahah hhahahahahah …………………. Oh she’s gone

Spiders, Sultans, Dodo's and President Fidel Castro.

Miss Fionaski called in today to see mum, she often does this on Tuesdays where they exchange plain brown envelopes. I think it is a spy thing although they say NO and that I am not to say so in my diary ……..AH. Mum just said IDIOT. But one thing Miss Fionaski did say was that she has spiders the size of sultans in her bathroom at the moment. This made me think …….. Hello that’s a bit odd.

Only yesterday the subject of spiders the size of an Okapi in bathrooms was mentioned in cyberspace and now we have them the size of a sultan. Well that is a bit scary, the dog says I am being a whimp and they are completely arm less and is now rolling about laughing hysterically on the floor. Mum has in informed me the spiders were not as big as sultan’s they were as big as raisins, I knew some sort of dried fruit was involved. Mum has added IDIOT again now.

School was one of those days when school is school, and writing about it would not generate any interest what so ever. Even Esmeralda got bored of catapulting the school cat over the rugby posts with the catapult she found in the woods. I can only assume the Dodo’s have been trying to fly again. So I have told the dog and he is going off to talk to them yet again about building catapults.

Now I suspect some people who do not read my diary everyday might be at a bit lost by now but that is entirely your own fault, just as well I have not mentioned the Lemmings of Petrograd ……….AH, I have. Now look I have been distracted; so stop messing about and pay attention …….MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm

On the way home from school on the bus we saw a man who looked just like President Fidel Alejandro Castro in a local bar in town which is unusual he was waiting for a drink in a long queue. A Bar Queue or even a Queue Bar ……. (HA HAH HAH ha hahaha hahhah ha hah hahhaha hahhaha hahah ha). The dog recons my joke is worse than his but mum has said IDIOTS now.

It is interesting that my world has always been influenced by the brain wave fluctuations between the so called real world and my own world in cyberspace but there is also an increasing influence by the various worlds of cyberspace on my world so things are all very complex at times.

Oooooooooo by the way dad had to have a quick trip to see the solicitor about the house move but he had to use the Einstein Cube because the solicitor is in Austria at the moment in his little house on the mountain. I do hope you all know about the Einstein Cube and how it works as it has been a while since I explained it. 

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Wildebeest, the Financial Times and the Christmas Angel in an Ark eating ice cream

An overcast Sunday with no wind no people, just a few Wildebeest, Sheep and Cows picking at the grass vergers, does not lend itself to a day of excitement. Even the dog has got his head buried in the Financial Times and is muttering about the impending global economic melt down. He thinks the price of bones is about to increase and he may have to eat the cats.

So I am writing this bit of my diary now, before I venture off to adventure although as things stand I may end up chasing Wildebeest up and down the road. This can be rather exciting when they stampede, but the problem is I am not a Lion and they tend to look at me and just carry on eating the grass vergers. It’s Mr Jenkins from next door’s new hobby, making religious relics out of grass, the local verger is very old and definitely a relic.

 Now look that is not the point; the point is I am not a lion, and to a Wildebeest that is an important point, mum has just said IDIOT she would not say that if I was a Lion I’m sure. Dam it I have lost the thread now so will go away and return much later. Bye

I have returned several hours later and guess what there is no one about, everyone who lives in our little road has vanished the main square has been abandoned so this is not the best situation for a diary. I think if they make the block buster movie this will be the point to go a get an ice-cream from those nice ladies in the aisle, although the dog says they vanished with the arc. Did they; I didn’t know that and is it an ark or an arc because that will affect the timing, I asked the dog but he said IDIOT.

Sunday in Montgomery. 

Unfortunately the Wildebeest has just run round the corner into the main square otherwise the town is deserted  

Anyway the one good thing that has come out of all this quiet is I have started the Christmas Angel (fairy) for the Christmas window in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Apparently I will be in big bother if I don’t get it done in time, it needs to be produced by the 4^th November in time for the big Christmas Preview. YICKS. 

The Old Grey Whistle Test, Brinsley Schwarz, Charlie Chaplin and Latin for Dogs

Ian the Musical Hat Maker was on the television set last night as they were showing an old Old Grey Whistle Test (when I say old Old I just mean Old and that it was an old one). Anyway Ian the Musical Hat Maker was a member of Brinsley Schwarz and wrote songs for them and can be found in loads of places in cyberspace even in wikipedia, Well Cool. He is a very nice man and has many musical hats, although I don’t think he has a punk one yet?

First thing this morning I had to go into the main square and do a couple of things, get milk, sell a one legged Budgerigar and his mate, point at clouds and stuff etc. I was only meant to be a few minutes and then go home, but you can’t do that in Montgomery in the main square. Firstly there was Charlie Chaplin standing about trying to do the Charleston only he has no feet so found it extremely difficult. Then Miss Vicky the Proof Reader was in town guarding an old bell which rumour has it was recovered from the wreck of the first pirate ship to reach the shores of the lake in the middle of town a long time ago.

Then people would start talking to me sort of:-

HELLO ROB HOW ARE YOU

Hello fine

OOOOOOO HAVE YOU SEEN CHARLIE CHAPLIN HE’S RUBBISH AT DANCING

Yes I

AND HE ONCE HAD A LIFT IN THE BACK OF MY TAXI

Really I

O YES LOVELY MAN WAS A FRIEND OF MICHAEL CAINE, YOU KNOW THE CHAP WHO MADE THAT FILM ABOUT WHATS HIS NAME  ……………  …………….. PRESIDENT CARTER

Are you sure you don’t mean

O YES HE WAS ONCE IN MY CAB BUT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT  ……… HA HAH HAHH AHHAHAHA

Well I must

HOWS THE NICE CAPTAIN NESSMAN THESE DAYS IS HE STILL DOING MAD THINGS AT SEA

Well

THE WEATHER IS NOT THE SAME THESE DAYS IS IT I BLAME THAT NAPOLEON BEELZEBUB, YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD GIVE US A HEAT WAVE RATHER THAN RAIN

Yes rain is

ANYWAY YOU MUST STOP CHATTING ROB I HAVE LOTS TO DO AND YOU ARE STOPPING ME DOING THEM

OK bye then

AND HOW IS YOUR MUM THESE DAYS IS SHE WELL

Yes she said you’re an IDIOT

AH ………………………………………… MUST GO BYE THEN MASTER ROB

Bye

And so it went through the morning, I met loads of people this morning and arrived back home at 2:00pm instead of 10:30am. The dog thought is was very amusing indeed and said IF YOU SPEAK LATIN TO THEM THEY WOULD ALL RUN AWAY, but they run away from the dog because he has red eyes huge fangs and snarls at them in Latin which is not quite the same.

 

This afternoon we were at the recycling skips and threw out loads of total rubbish but we noticed that there was a large number of old cutlass’s, anchors and chains in the metal recycling which the man said were thrown in yesterday by a mad old pirate who kept hissing at him.

So that’s it I can’t write any more because Sooty the cat is trying to lick me and you will get bored. We don’t want that after the run away success of book one. OK it is not a book yet but then neither is Latin for Dogs, which is why most of them are rubbish at Latin........

Paul Nessman               I didn't know that "Pub Rock" was a musical genre...Thank you for helping me to learn something new today, Robby! I wonder if it is like Punk Rock...they are spelled the same...nearly. This Ian Gomm chap is listed as one of Brinsley Schwarz's members...haven't I heard that name in one of your archives?

Indeed you have Captain Nessman. Ian the Musical Hat Maker is the singer in the following clip from The Old Grey Whistle Test. He lives about 15 miles away and is a very nice chap as is his wife Auntie Karen ........ only she is not a chap. And I think this song was written for Auntie Karen too so she quite likes it.

PUB ROCK IS MORE LIKE AS FOLLOWS

Paul Nessman               It is similar to what we call 'Southern Rock' over here in the USA. It is much easier to simply call it all Rock & Roll, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing, Robby! Cheers...or should I say, Goodnight Irene :)

Well to most North of the Watford Gap; Chas and Dave are Southern Rock. Not quite the same cool street cred as Brinsley Schwarz, but richer.

I once sold a birthday Card to Albert Lee in Napoleon Beelzebub's Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop ...... Its a strange world. …….. (I think it was a Christmas card as it happens.)

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg's biography and a Spider deep fried in batter with a sugar cage and caviar

Our world in the far reaches of cyberspace is changing. Its all that Mark Zuckerberg’s fault what with the changes he is making to his empire in the cyber wars with Google+. And then there is the impending house move which will radically effect or porthole between cyberspace and the real world. The dog says this is the way of life, it changes and often we have no control over such things.

Anyway the result of this in school today was the teachers spent most of the morning rubbing the nose of the  bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and keeping their fingers crossed which meant I could hardly read anything on the blackboard. It is not easy to write on a blackboard holding chalk with your fingers crossed, I even tried it myself but it said sgs wpituiwt iuwetiitiu  kjiweriuiu34iutiurewt kghjdfahgfahe jgsdjg;g and I couldn’t read that either.

After school when I got home I found The Ghost of Steven Spielberg sitting in the garden playing chess with the dog, The dog plays in Latin and always beats me so I refuse to play now as its £10:00 for each piece lost and winner takes all so it can cost me loads.

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg says he was getting bored in the wood so thought he would come and see us.  He said the Ghost Writer was doing such a good job turning me into a book that he thought he would get him to write his biography. A ghost writing about a ghost rather appealed to The Ghost of Steven Spielberg, the only thing is because he is a ghost he has no money so the Ghost Writer will get no money.  But that’s OK the Ghost Writer is used to getting no money and he would only spend it on food and fuel for the car and heating etc, silly man.

We are still packing stuff up and clearing rubbish for the proposed move of house. It is amazing just how much stuff you can squeeze into a house in twenty years; so I helping a bit before we go off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café for a meal; mum and dad say I have to help clear or sit in the car park tonight until they have eaten, mmmmmmmm that’s NOT FAIR. I have just found some stuff from the last people who lived in the house so we must be getting near the end of it all. Mum just said IDIOT and the dog is rolling about in Hysterics so maybe not.

I do know one thing there’s still a lot of in the house; and that is spiders. We have always liked spiders although the big ones have to watch out or Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat will try and eat them if they scurry across the floor. The dog says the cats have no manners or class, and if you must eat a spider it should be deep fried in batter with a sugar cage and caviar, and eaten with a 1989 Romanée-Conti.

Mark Zuckerberg and the new Facebook. Sooty the Cat, the dog, the Ghost writer and a game of Poker

It was interesting in school we were all doing our school work and pottering about as you do taking bets on two flies walking up a window pane. Sadly the one fly had to be disqualified for being on Steroids. We told the History teacher that they really should not leave their steroids on the window sill and that a fly had been walking on them.

Then out of the blue projected onto the walls of the school class rooms we suddenly had a very nice man called Mark Zuckerberg. Well we all know who he is; he’s the Facebook man, although he is still very young and bouncy as the Ghost Writer puts it. A bit like Sooty the Cat who is lovely but drives us all mad, so they have a lot in common, although I’m sure Mr Zuckerberg does not eat eight meals a day. OK he might because we were watching him on the wall (not in person but his projected image) and he talked about food a lot at one point. Sooty the cat does that too only he goes Meeeeeeeeeeeoooowww over and over again.

Anyway he was going on about changing everything and looking at patterns in our friends. I tried to look at Esmeralda’s patterns but they just looked very scary so I pretended that I was looking at things in her ear although she still hit me with the poker (the one I made in metalwork). Mr Zuckerberg's image said we will all need to study very hard for our IT degrees or else we will not pass our Facebook entry examination…… AH. That might scupper my plans a bit, I don’t like exams much. The very nice Mr Zuckerberg also said we all love Apps. Well, that’s not true, me and the Ghost Writer for two don’t do Apps. But the dog thinks it’s all a cunning plan.

The dog recons that Mr Zuckerberg was in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today signing a bit of paper and all this Apps stuff is so he can make loads and loads of money. Well that would be fine only he is already worth loads and loads of money; unlike me and the Ghost Writer. The dog beat us again today at poker so the dog is worth loads and loads of money until the morning when he plans to blow the lot on bones and jelly. YUK.

I seem to need more pictures too, if I use Facebook. Mr Zuckerberg had loads of them on his wall and I just have loads of words. The dog said people like pictures more that words and  a single picture can tell the story of a thousand words, so it is just as well I write as much as I do, not having many pictures.

One thing that did puzzle me while Mr Mark Zuckerberg was projected on the school walls is if he is on Facebook, then why has he not asked to be my friend as I write more than almost everyone on Facebook. Mum said IDIOT but I am not sure who she means?

Ooooo by the way I would just like to thank Mr Mark Zuckerberg for helping me on another rather quiet autumn day for news……… THANKS

Einstein’s theory, the bus, the dog and the first law of Molecular Ironic Reaction

As we all know Einstein’s “second law,” m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2 means that stuff happens in life, like the seagulls attacking Mr Jenkins dinner in the park at the weekend and Auntie Karen’s ukulele band playing the O2 arena in London accidently on the wrong date to an audience of the security man and his dog. They both enjoyed it, and tried crowd surfing but with no success    

Anyway this is taking us away from the point which is ironic because Einstein’s second law, m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2 is taking us away from the point, as in the Big Bang. A bit like the School Bus, as the driver often says WHAT’S THE POINT. Someone on the bus will always tell him but he is often distracted as he has to shout at other drivers and wave his fists a lot and make rude gestures at little old grannies in cars, who sort of get in the way by accidently being on the road going to the shops at the same time as the school bus.

The dog decided he would race the school bus to school today as that’s where it goes; which is why it’s called the school bus. The dog told the bus driver he was a rubbish useless driver who drove like a mamby pamby little old lady (The bus driver not the dog). Well that was like a red rag to a bull and we had the fastest ever bus trip to school it was so fast we missed picking up most of the pupils. But as one would expect the dog was already there sat in a comfy chair reading the morning paper, it was a surprise for the driver and he said AAAAAAAAUUUUUuuuuuuggggHHHHh. I think it was the fact the dog had time to get the morning paper from the shop on the way that really upset the driver.

But of course the dog was using my Einstein Cube so the poor old bus driver stood no chance as it took the dog 0.0000 secs. The dog told the bus drive that m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2, and therefore a School bus will always be bigger than a egg and move slower than a dog, it is a basic law of Physics. I am not sure that the bus driver understood a single word of what the dog said and in a classic case of Molecular Ironic Reaction. As the bus driver wandered along the path back to the bus, to drive back to the depot scratching his head a little old lady accidently ran over his foot mistaking him for a bollard (that happens when you wear a day glow orange safety jacket.  

Not many people know that the first law of  Molecular Ironic Reaction was Mrs Einstein’s theory in order to prove to Mr Einstein he was not the only smart Ass. And in another ironic twist of fate the Second law of Molecular Ironic Reaction states that everyone will forget about the first law. Well it just goes to show.

Oooooo by the way just in case anyone was wondering as it happens, not much happened today.

Ken, Judas Priest, the Washing Machine, Lemmings and Baby Ferrets

A member of the Ghost Writer’s family called in to see him this morning as he was having breakfast with us, and they were telling us they had been off playing golf with Ken from the band Judas Priest.  Now that is all very well but this is Judas Priest we are talking about, WHAT one of then is called Ken and designs Golf courses that’s not right I’m sure.

Anyway just to prove the world is a strange place Miss Fionaski had her old washing machine stolen from her garden last night, although they did not take anything else and where very good and closed the gate after they left. The dog thinks the two things might be connected and thinks that if it gets out that Judas Priest play golf and live in posh houses in Shropshire and not the fiery darkened dungeons of Napoleons Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop then Album sales might suffer. So in a desperate attempt at street cred they sneaked into Miss Fionaski’s garden and ran off with her old Washing Machine. I can see that all that leaping about on stage would make you very sweaty and a washing machine is something you might need. But Mum has said IDIOTS so I take it from mum that she does not agree.

There is a posh wedding in the square tonight I can tell because there is a posh dress code that people wear to weddings that they don’t wear to anything else. Mum and dad are not going because dad said he is making a new steam powered exercise machine to help exercise the Lemmings in the woods. It has a nice round glass door and a big drum that spins so that they can run in it to keep dry and not fall over cliffs (not as in Cliff Richard but as in AAAUuuuuuuuugh splat). Me and Mum think it looks just like an old washing machine but dad insists it is not and never has been a washing machine ever, and was not left in a garden down the road. Mum has thrown the Armadillo toaster at dad now ??????

Ooooo one final little thing on the way home in the car with dad (it’s a long story and if I wrote everything I would go mad) I saw a sign saying Ferrets For Sale near the woods. Well that might just mean dads malfunctioning Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot has had the baby ferrets now …….. WELL COOL…

Captain Nessman of the High Seas                          The world is indeed a strange place. I was only, just a few minutes ago, listening to 'Sad Wings of Destiny'. This has always been one of my favorite albums, I mean 8-tracks, I mean CD's. Actually, the first time that I heard it was on my Mom and Dad's 8-track player back in 1981. I saw Judas Priest live in concert on their 'Screaming for Vengeance' tour in 1983 or 84 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was an awesome show...no signs of golf clubs though. Rob Halford rode out onto the stage on his Harley Davidson motorcycle...no signs of old washing machines either...Hmmmmmm...