Being Eco friendly, Owls, Harry Potter and the sad departure of Flipper the Wood Mouse.

I had a bonfire today, Ik=like…. …. … Sorry I like bonfires loads. My typing error Ik=like according to the dog is a subconscious message that I should visit the butchers and get a very large bone. It is a mathematical message which means it must be for the dog as I am rubbish at maths. Mum says I should just carry on typing as I am rubbish at typing and the subconscious message is I’m rubbish at typing. 

Mum has also said having bonfires is not eco friendly, but as dad says being eco friendly is a short term view of things and we have to look at the whole picture and consider the long term. In the long term planet Earth will be swallowed up by the Sun when it turns into a red dwarf star (a bit like a garden gnome but larger and hotter) and at that point the Earth will be a huge blob of molten stuff, mainly iron. So saving everything so it can be turned into a molten blob is not a good idea and we are best to burn it all now in a controlled environment where we can all have fun and roast chestnuts. Napoleon Beelzebub always says you can’t have too much fire he even boo’s when the fire brigade go by.

 Yet again a sunny day if this carries on we will run out of water and we will have lots of hose pipe bans and we will run out of food and when we make the block buster movie we will have to resort to eating inconsequential non-speaking walk on extra’s to survive. Maybe Sam Peckinpah should make the movie after all he would be good at that bit as well as the exploding squirrels.

Flipper the Wood Mouse, Mrs Flipper, the children and their partners all the grandchildren and a whole load of other Wood Mice who Flipper says are his brothers and sisters families have decided they are leaving home. Flipper says our house is just not big enough so they are going to live in the wood which makes sense as they are all Wood Mice. Pirate Pete although a little sad says he will no longer need to try and remember all their names now.  He was talking of getting a pet Owl but Flipper says he does not think that’s a good idea, and mum says we will look even more like that Harry Potter bloke from Hagworts if Pirate Pete has an Owl sitting on his shoulder saying Pieces of Eight and yo ho ho Polly wants a wood mouse. Pirate Pete said NOT FAIR.

Today is a very special day and it is nice to see the town has gone to all the trouble to hang out bunting and Union Jacks. Even me mum dad the dog Pirate Pete all the wood mice, Mr and Mrs Jenkins and Napoleon Beelzebub are all going to celebrate with a glass of hot chocolate with cream and hundreds and thousands sprinkled on it. Yes it has finally happened we have reached 100,000 words in the manuscript of the book of the diary; quite a feat for an average family in a small rural town on the borders of Wales leading a quiet unassuming lifestyle. Many thanks to all those who have contributed so far and remain loyal followers of our simple tale.

Fiona Knight                Well done Rob, you really have used a lot of words, I like words especially funny words. Looks like you have been doing your homework over the Easter holidays as you have really paid attention to learning about the upcoming fireball which ...some people think will be next Christmas, so really there is no need to recycle anymore as those biodegradable carrier bags will still not have disappeared by then, but setting fire to everything will cause another smog and we will not be able to see where we are going and bump into many things. Even without the smog I bumped into my garden owl today he said it was TooHotToWoo, I never mentioned Pirate Pete

some people think will be next Christmas, so really there is no need to recycle anymore as those biodegradable carrier bags will still not have disappeared by then, but setting fire to everything will cause another smog and we will not be able to see where we are going and bump into many things. Even without the smog I bumped into my garden owl today he said it was TooHotToWoo, I never mentioned Pirate Pete

I was led to believe the fireball would happen during the 2012 London Olympics ceremony when the last torch bearer accidently slips as he is about to light the Olympic flame causing a big bang and lots of fire leading to a chain reaction of smouldering marathon runners igniting things up to a radius of twenty six miles from the stadium. Just like the Great Fire or London last time.

Fiona Knight                Did your Joules Verne Pocket Oracle predict this or have you found some of my conspiracy papers which I seem to have mislaid?

Elaine Kerley                Love your stories!

Its all true sort of just embellished slightly; well quite a lot....

Paul Nessman               Al Gore told me that the fire ball that consumes the earth will happen because we are all burning too much. He asked for some money for having shared this wisdom with me, but I told him that I would rather burn it.

I burnt all my money once to see how it would feel. Luckily dad printed some more for me the following day. He said I should not tell people on FB or my blog about it though ......... AH

Royal Weddings and the devil you know plus some tumble weed and an eye

It has been and in fact still is royal wedding day. Well with mum being a Goth and dad being a slightly lefty sort of person who is not exactly a royalist but on the other hand says sometimes its better the devil you know. That is a bit confusing because I thought the devil we know was Napoleon Beelzebub not the royal family I didn’t know they were devils too.

I all distracted again now one advantage to a royal wedding is our little town was like a strange lost town with no people in it, me and the dog walked all over the place this morning and all we could hear or see was tumble weed gently blowing through the streets. Listening to the radio was odd too because on the news they would tell us in detail what everyone was up to at the wedding and add and by the way huge storms have destroyed bits of the USA and lots of people are fighting in the Middle East but enough of that because we have just heard a royal has sneezed. Then after the news it was back live to the royals, We all thought they looked quite normal on everyone’s television (it is odd to see the same person on every television in the town) but the man on the radio said they were special and glowed in the dark and could walk on water and through walls and juggle mice, which would be very useful at home just at the moment; but mum said IDIOT. The great street party will be starting soon so Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop has shut early and he has come round to see us. He said he was sending the royal couple a wedding gift of some very very secret MI6 files all to do with some big conspiracy theory from a few years ago which will be a big surprise for them. What a nice man he is not like a devil at all.  His royal shop window was a great success until the arm fell off the Skeleton of the ancient king of Zanzibar and his eye fell out and someone complained and the council made him remove all the body parts even if the were all royal ones from the past.  

By the way it was not Napoleon Beelzebub’s eye that fell out it was the skeleton of the ancient king of Zanzibar’s eye that fell out otherwise the story sounds silly

Paul Nessman                I suppose the MI6 conspiracy theory information is TOP SECRET? Perhaps I will consult my Jules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine.

Well I think it might all be to do with cars in tunnels and who knew what and did what and knew what about the things that might get known if certain people were in the bright lights and able to say things about certain stuff which is best ...not known etc. Mum says its all rubbish and all just a big accident of fate But Nepoleon Beelzebub says he is not a fan of fate and someone who should not have one in fact has a loyalty card with bonus points. And as he points out himself, us humans are not playing the game very well and those who should be going to see him are like greased pigs on a big dipper at present. That sounds very dangerous to me

Paul Nessman                Thank you for the explanation :) I agree with Mum.

Miss Fiona the famous Russian double agent and wood mice and stuff

 

We all went for a walk in the park this morning and sat on one of the long benches; although Flipper the Wood Mouse, Mrs Flipper, the Flipper children and their partners and little Tadpole their first Grandchild took up at least half the bench on their own. It is the ritual of the creation of the great guide produced by the town’s extravaganza event committee

This happens in a big house in secret but luckily the rooms have large windows and if you sit in the park on the right bench then you can watch the creation of the guide. It is very interesting as all the pages are laid in piles round on a big table and the extravaganza committee circles round the table starting with page one and moving anticlockwise slowly put together the great guide. Each member follows on until the whole committee are going round and round and round the table until all five thousand guides are produced ending with a huge cheer and tea and biscuits. From outside we can see all the people running past the windows first one way then the other then back clutching guides in various states. It is a ritual that has survived for hundreds of years and each year we go and watch, well only if it is warm and sunny to tell the truth.

We then went off to a garden centre to get plants but me and the dog lost interest very quickly because they didn’t have a single poisonous spiky creeper of monkey eating bromeliads. The entire Flipper family had to stay in the car because there are so many of them now people keep screaming. They did that anyway as they were passing the car but I suppose eighty three wood mice sticking their tongues out at you through the windows singing I will survive can be a bit of a shock for the average customer of garden centres. Flipper the Wood Mouse has been telling dad his home in the skirting boards in the hall way at home is getting a little small for all the family, Pirate Pete says they wont all fit on his shoulder any longer and if they all shout PIECES OF EIGHT at the same time it makes him deaf in his right ear. The dog thinks we should attach a giant wheel to the side of the house and they could all earn their kept by generating electricity for us.

Other than that it has been a very quiet day. It is strange living in a little town where very little happens of interest I hope that nice Mr Steven Spielberg won’t find us too boring for his block buster movie of the book.

Interesting we have reached 99,000 words now

Paul Nessman And soon you will reach 99,000 wood mice :)

It is the birthday of Miss Fiona the famous Russian double agent; and on this very important day in her life she always plays the violin and like that rather well known head of state Robert D Nero she likes to fiddle as the microfilm burns. Which sadly; always means the family never see the end of the film on Miss Fiona’s Birthday.

What ?

What?

Rain Royal weddings, cats and a battered ram

Heavy Harry the Cat has decided my desk where I write my diary is his bed at present so I have had to do battle with it to get my desk back. He has now gone off in a grumpy mood, to tell the truth he is always grumpy. Dad says he has gone off to find his mates to try and get me to shift so he can take over my desk. But for the moment I am safe as I have barricaded the door.

It was very hot again today but it is due to start raining on Friday that’s rather ironic as it is the day of the royal weeding sorry wedding so if they have one of those open carriages with horses and gold bits then I think they might be done for. But it might mean the crowds will be rather wet. Dad has suggested that we go and sell the punters Union Jack umbrellas but as mum pointed out we only have half a Union Jack brolly after the dog tried using it as an air brake while skateboarding, which didn’t work that well. I even went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for dad but all he had was a job lot of thirty thousand umbrellas saying SATAN IS NICE TOO (MOSTLY) but Mr Beelzebub thought they might not sell and he said they are not water proof but are fire resistant. Mr Beelzebub said he is going to have a royal Wedding window display and is putting the Skeleton of the accent King of Zanzibar with a display of crowns from the early pharaohs of Egypt and an African shrunken head of a man who upset the tribal leader of a tribe.

The poor old Ghost writer was in the grey office today so he has a scrambled brain again. He keeps telling us he has a master plan but it must be rubbish because he says this every week now, you wait this time next week he will be saying he is scrambled again. Anyway right now I have my own problems as I can hear cats whispering outside the door and I thing they have a battering ram. I have phoned the dog for help on his mobile phone I think he will be here in a minute because he said he might have ram on a spit for dinner. I think he might be thinking of the wrong type of ram. I will have to go now because it is a four legged ram and the dog has it cornered in the bathroom and is saying YUMMY rather a lot. Trouble is as soon as I go to save the ram Heavy harry will be back on my desk sleeping and he has all his mates with him now and I will never get back. 

   

 Paul Nessman                           My cat, Max, often lays right on top of all of my books as I am trying to study. I thought that I would be clever, so I keep a bag of kitty treats in a drawer and when he is in my way I simply throw him a treat and he leaves. But he lays there ALL the time now, waiting for a treat and I can hardly get started on my studies...who's really the clever one?

Mathematicians, town planners and conspiracy theories

We have all decided to do a logistical analysis of our daily routines and movements, the dog has produced SWOT and flow charts but Pirate Pete likes charts and is trying to work out exactly where the treasure is. The dog keeps trying to explain that not all charts are treasure maps and we already have several sea chests of treasure in the house and we really don’t need more well not many more.

I think mum and dad are working on an efficiency drive although dad hates efficiency, well he sort of hates it but as mum pointed out his Perpetual Motion Machine is totally dependent on being one hundred percent efficient or it would not work. Now that Heavy Harry the Cat is no longer sleeping in it makes a big difference as it now keeps going. Heavy harry has been banned from dads workshop when dad found him trying to steal the Coelacanth from the big tank with a fishing net. I am not sure if they are real ones or Mechanical ones but Heavy Harry thinks they are real so that’s him banned.

We all went into Shrewsbury today to go shopping; Pirate Pete was looking in the leg shop, the dog was howling outside the delicatessen until they gave him a huge salami sausage and chilli sauce, mum and dad were looking for things for the house and I was practicing climbing lamp posts and store facades. While Flipper the Wood Mouse, Mrs Flipper and the Flipper Children? were scaring people in the nice café so that when we went for a drink it was nice and quiet.

The fist analysis of the flow charts and data shows I am only 10% efficient and the dog is 98% efficient but the dog did all the analysis so mum is a bit suspicious and is planning to check everything herself. I think the fact that dad was 95% after giving the dog a very large bone made mum realize something is wrong because dad always does things in the most complex way possible if he can and that by its very nature cant be 95% efficient. Dad did say he is very efficient at doing things in a very complex way and the perception of efficiency is an elusion not a reality. And that it is a conspiracy by mathematicians, physicists and town planners but mum said IDIOT; I think I agree with dad.   

Fiona Knight                  I can play a tune on my violin that is called perpetual motion, I play it most efficently, but I think you would get bored listening to it.

Do you play Tiptoe through the Tulips?

Einstein and the Bonsai tree

Well we have something of a dilemma because tomorrow all the English schools go back to school, well the schools don’t but the pupils do. Only I am at a Welsh school and have another week off but I accidently started my holiday a week early on the English holiday, but if I go back to school tomorrow no one will be there. So I will have to take a few more days off.

Problem is the mum says I should do some work to keep me up to speed when I do go back to school, she says I can work on Einstein’s theory’s on time and space which mum said would be useful as the headmaster will want to know why I ended up with an extra weeks holiday. So the dog is teaching me all about Einstein and what his favourite breakfast is.

 I am not really convinced the headmaster is going to believe I have been travelling at the speed of light for two years in a circle and arrived back before I left creating a time space paradox which meant my two selves had to remain at home until I left again in order not to cause an anomaly in the fabric of the universe. I don’t think I like that excuse anyway because now I sound like Captain Kirk out of STARTREK. The dog says I should boldly make up an excuse that no pupil has made up before and has fallen about laughing. I did say I could tell the headmaster about the Einstein Cube but everyone said after all the problems with the FBI, CIA and MI6 it is best not to tell everyone you still have it in your bedroom on the top shelf next to the wireless…… AH.

I have even multitasked today working in a Linux Laptop a PC Laptop and a Networked Desktop as well  as paint a wall fed Heavy Harry the Cat at least one hundred times and pruned plants, not sure if they were the right plants to prune but they are much smaller now so that must be good? Mum has just said something about a two hundred year old Bonsai tree and has said IDIOT again.

Elaine Kerley                Love the dog and mom! You're too busy to know if you're coming or going! Lol

Paul Nessman               It sounds like you will need a holiday from your holiday

 You are both right I have been very busy doing normal things. This is very good as it does get things done that I need to do but it is far from ideal for my diary. I am only little too I don’t need all this responsibility yet most of my contemporaries are wondering about in our little town going ugg, wa, na, I'm bored, da and words like that. Apparently it is the language of youth only I don’t understand it, I feel I am not like normal youth and there is definitely something different about me. I will need to investigate soon.

 

Steven Spielburg, Sam Peckinpah and the exploding Steam Powered Mechanical Robot Squirrel

It was hot and sunny again today although after my diary entry yesterday which I did while it was hot and sunny it suddenly poured with rain that was a surprise. We had lots of thunder then loads of rain then it all stopped. It appears it was dads fault with his rain machine.

He said he had sorted the problems from the day before and so yesterday afternoon he tried it again in the garden and it worked really well, which it did but he said he made one small mistake. One thing he hadn’t thought about because it has been so warm and sunny lately is that a rain machine needs to be waterproof and so when it rained it fused all the electrics on the rain machine. That explains why it was such a short thunder storm. He has been tinkering with it today but as it is still warm and sunny we are assuming he has not got it working again yet.

Mr Jenkins decided that he was going to get rid of the squirrel singing Tiptoe Through The Tulips because it was not only pinching all the birds food but it was trying to teach Fluffy the Cat to sing the song too. And both of them singing Tiptoe Through The Tulips in harmony or not in harmony as he put it was to much to bare. But he forgot about dads advice to use his airgun to shot the Steam Powered Mechanical Robot Squirrel so when he did it exploded, it was a very large explosion for a small squirrel and poor old Fluffy the Cat who was still in the tree singing fainted and fell onto Mrs Jenkins head. It is true what they say about cats they do land on their feet even when they have fainted and they even have an automatic claw reflex to cling onto things. Normally this is very useful but not in the case of Mrs Jenkins’s head and so she screamed very loudly. Mr Jenkins did try and help by removing Fluffy the Cat but he was distracted by Mrs Jenkins hitting over the head with the super-steam boiler and part of the mechanical mechanism of the exploded squirrel.

The dog was quite pleased that the squirrel has exploded as he said the song was driving him demented but all the other Stream Powered Mechanical Robot Squirrels are insisting on a proper funeral and they say it is only fitting that we all sing his favourite song, even the dog and Mr Jenkins before his remains are scattered in the appropriate recycling bins. that’s the remains of the Steam Powered Mechanical Robot Squirrel not Mr Jenkins or the dog.

By the way we would all like to point out that no animals were hurt during the writing of the diary entry  and any similarity to events in your world or people or steam Powered Mechanical Robot Squirrels is purely coincidental, unless you’re a ghost writer in mid-Wales. However once we publish the best selling book followed by the block buster movie then that very nice Mr Steven Spielberg will probably blow up loads of squirrels in slow motion, or is that Sam Peckinpah.

Easter a time to watch Far From The Madding Crowd or sing Tiptoe through the fish pond

Well it’s Easter a time of Chocolate eggs and bunnies although not chocolate dogs or wood mice. Of course as mum points out it is a religious festival and as soon as the dark powers of commercial exploitation see the opportunity off they go doing their thing. Dad has just told me off for doing politics and religion.

Dad said never do politics and religion because it will ruin my block buster movie. Mum said what about All The Presidents Men but dad said they are hardly likely to go and watch a movie about the diary of a social networking eccentric, Mum said IDIOT. Flipper said what about the movie Far From the Madding Crowd. Flipper is right so no more politics, Easter Eggs YUMMY.

Because it is hot again today the dog has gone back into the goldfish pond only he has taken his snorkelling equipment and a harpoon gun and is looking for a huge legendary octopus. The goldfish keep telling him he should go and look in the lake in the park where the pirate ships are anchored  and talk to Captain Nessman in the Spyglass Inn but the dog says it’s more fun in the goldfish pond. Mum is convinced he is just winding up the goldfish. The dog has threatened to harpoon one of dads steam powered mechanical squirrels because it keeps singing Tiptoe through The Tulips just like Tiny Tim use too and although the dog said it was fine one or twice so far today he has song it forty five times. It doesn’t help that it keeps sticking its tongue out at us, I’m sure the real squirrels would have been less trouble particularly as the steam powered squirrels are still pinching all the food from the bird table anyway. Dad blames this on genetic programming because they are mechanic squirrels and don’t eat so it’s totally illogical. Mum said as someone once said if it looks like a squirrel quacks like a squirrel and floats like a squirrel then its a squirrel? I didn’t know squirrels quacked. Mum has said IDIOT again that’s not fair it was mum who said it.

The public, the great and the good and the rain machine

Well I thought it was bad yesterday for tourists but today has been even worse they were all over the place I had made the mistake of offering to help in The Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and despite the sign the public still came in. In the end we locked the door and hid so we could escape early.

It is the preview of the next exhibition tonight so Napoleon Beelzebub says we all need a rest before the public turn up again. Although tonight it is the turn of the great and the good, Mr Beelzebub finds this very amusing bearing in mind he is Mr Beelzebub. He does say some of the great and the good are not as great and good as they should be and several of them have loyalty cards with more than enough points now to go to the bottom floor at some point. I don’t envy them going there it was very very hot at ground level today so on the bottom floor of the cellar with all that fire and brimstone would be absolute hell on days like today.

The dog, Pirate Pete, Flipper the Wood Mouse and Mrs Flipper? Have been sitting in the goldfish pond to stay cool much to the disgust of the goldfish who tried to protest but their protests was mistaken for  attempts to try some tricks like dolphins do so they ended up sulking in the pond weed. Dads attempt at a Rain Machine backfired badly when he made a Reign Machine instead and found himself wondering around in robes and ermine and a big heavy crown for the rest of the day. He did say at least he has something to wear if we go to the royal weeding street party now but mum said IDIOT. He said if I was good at the preview tonight I could be knighted WELL COOL.

Tourists and the wrong Queen

Our little town has filled up with tourists today I don’t like all the tourists, I prefer it when the town is quiet so does dad even Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop have a big sign in the summer saying NO BROWSERS OR ANYONE ELSE WE MIGHT NOT LIKE. Mum says its not a very commercial thing to do but Mr Beelzebub said some things are more important than money.

Because it is very hot Pirate Pete’s steam powered bionic legs that dad made for him keep hissing and spraying clouds of steam at people, but he has become a tourist attraction. So me the dog Pirate Pete and Captain Flint the Parrot all went into the main square and were charging people to be photographed with Pirate Pete and Captain Flint although Captain Flint was demanding Brazil nuts rather than money. Even Pirate Pete was not that interested in money because he thinks we should be using gold doubloons not silly little tin coins and bits of paper with the picture of a strange little old lady on them.  We told him it was the queen, but he though the queen was a Chinese lady with long black hair and a patch over one eye. The dog said he was thinking of the wrong queen altogether?

Talking of queens we have the Royal Weeding sorry Wedding in just over a weeks time and there is rumour of a street party in the main square now so we are all talking about running off and hiding. Pirate Pete suggested Trafalgar Square but mum, dad, the dog and me all said IDIOT. 

      

Paul Nessman      The pomp. The circumstance. Oh, how I don't envy you ;)

Surely Captain Nessman of the high seas famous Pirate, buccaneer and thorn in the side of the tally ho British fleet you mean Pompeii the land of the stone remains of a once grand people. Now crumbling and covered in dust a mere tourist attraction for the masses.

Multiple operating system PC's and Steam Powered Squirrels....

A complex day of trying to be very clever with technology; not a good idea because the technology is not quite doing what it says on the box. It is my own fault I don’t really do technology and so trying to get my computer (our universe) to operate on two different operating systems was not wise.

It’s the ghost writers fault really he has a habit of saying oooo look this is a nice PC to live in only most of them are slightly suspect to say the least so I am staying put for now.

Yet more sun today and with luck it will stay like this right over the Easter holiday.

Chris the builder is still doing loads at the moment and our house is somewhat chaos well lots of chaos and we are having the next big private view for the next exhibition on Friday evening so mum is running about for that. Dad is distracted by steam powered mechanical squirrels he is making to run about in our big tree, his theory is that if it is full of robot squirrels then the real squirrels will go elsewhere and annoy someone else. He said he was planning to teach the robot squirrels to sing Britney Spears songs but me and mum said that would be worse than having real squirrels so is said he would teach them AC/DC songs instead. He has told Mr Jenkins not to try and shoot the squirrels because they are steam powered and if he did they would explode. Me and the dog think having steam powered mad squirrels sounds just as bad as normal ones even if they do sing AC/DC songs and an tap dance.

One advantage of our somewhat chaotic day is that we have just had an Indian takeaway YUMMY which is why I am a bit late SORRY.     

A theory of time and why supermarkets and little old ladies should never ever meet.

It has been one of those days where we have all been running about doings things and then find we have run out of time. Day says time is complex and goes at different speeds. All depending on how old you are and what you are going etc. He has had several conversations with people lately about time in the last couple of weeks on his theory.

Apparently as you get older time appears to go faster and he says the reason for this is that we all perceive time as a percentage of our age and not the actual length of time. So to someone who is one; a year equals 100% of their life to date, whereas someone who is one hundred, one year is 1% of their life so a year passes much faster to the one hundred year old person than that of the one year old. It’s like a Mayfly and a tortoise one day in the life of a Mayfly is like a whole life time and one day in the life of a tortoise is a quick walk round the bloke and a lettuce leaf. So dad is saying that not only does time change as we get older everything has its own different timescale, which in the case of humans slows down to almost stopped in the supermarket particularly at the checkouts; and vanishes almost instantaneously on holiday. He tried to make a machine once to swop those over but every time he used it he always ended up behind a queue of little old ladies in the post office who would chat to him for ages and tell him he was a very nice man while their friend sneaked in front of him in the queue. If he tried to say anything they would always say AH BUT I’M OLD, dad set fire to that machine in the end. I tried to ask the dog about time but it said TIME FOR DINNER ……… ……… YUMMY

It was yet another very hot day just like mid-summer, the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine said it would be like this ages ago and it was right but of course it has also forecast the huge storm towards the end of the year. The birds are all singing outside so they are happy, I don’t think I better tell them I have eaten a chicken for dinner.

Heavy Harry the Cat and friends

Heavy Harry the Cat who has been quiet for ages seems to have organised a protest movement with Fluffy the Cat and they are marching up and down the road outside with banners and shouting what do we want, more food. When do we what it …….meow. Really that’s not right I’m sure; the dog says typical cat and has offered to chase them but mum said let sleeping dogs lie …… Only they are cats and not sleeping ?????

Gandhi and the traffic calming experiment and Auntie Karen and Mr Ian the friendly local rock star

I was out today taking the dog for a walk round the town. We were trying out the latest dog satellite navigation system. It has been specially designed to be dog friendly and was developed to help dog owners and the dog take a different route each day without meeting any signs saying NO DOGS. It has areas of special interest marked like trees and cats and dog friendly butchers and other stuff.

The dog said it might be alright for most dogs but he is quite capable of reading an OS map and using a compass and the NO DOGS signs don’t count for him since he was given freedom of the town. He was granted that after he stopped a stampeding herd of Water Buffalo from charging down the high street and through the council chamber. So he not only saved all the people on the high street but he also saved the vote on amendment 17 of the Councils Highways Act which means that they were able to introduce a new experimental traffic calming device like a speed hump. It operates a jack in the box device where a life size Gandhi leaps out the road and tells you to slow down and then sits in front of you for half an hour. It is quite good because no one will shout at Gandhi.

When we got back home we discovered that we had missed Auntie Karen and Ian the musical hat maker who had called in to see us; only I didn’t see them as they had left before me and the dog got back NOT FAIR. Mr Ian is having problems with his knees so once he got up he thought he better leave rather than sit down again. I think Mr Ian probably damaged his knees when he was a rock star leaping off all those high stages into the crowds. I think that’s why Auntie Karen plays jazz on her saxophone because you don’t have to do those things quite as much as jazz players like to be cool, I think jazz players have to be cool or you can’t play jazz. 

The ghost writer just wanted to say he was in the grey office today and it scrambled his brain again and what made it all worse is that on his way home in the car Gandhi leap out of the road and stopped all the traffic for half an hour causing chaos and he is not an easy man to convince to move.

I seem to have written rather a lot again I don’t know how that happened.

An everyday tale of country folk and the mutant radio active forty foot man eating centipede

Sunday and dad was doing DIY again this morning laying some flooring in the new office. It is tongue and groove flooring so it is alright until you get your left and right confused then it can go a bit wrong. The result was dad was swearing again and like last Sunday mum told him off and hit him with the armadillo toaster.  It is his own fault for trying to get a Armadillo mosaic design in the middle of the floor.

Everyone else would be happy enough with just a plain simple floor but not dad he feels it should be as complex as possible otherwise he might as well go to IKEA and get flat pack rubbish, although as far as I can tell everyone one swears putting IKEA flat pack things together anyway. Mum and dad have to hold the fort again in the afternoon at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Mr Beelzebub keeps having to sort his paperwork out for the Middle East and says he really does wish the human race would make its mind up because both him and the one who must be obeyed (not by us humans as it happens) are getting well angry and a bit confused. Anyway they do this on Sundays so he is not able to be in the shop which is why mum and dad are helping, that all seems a bit long winded to make the point mum and dad were in the shop.

Me and the dog were exploring, we have given up on Count Gomery now and thought we would set our expectations at a more realistic level and hunt something more mundane. So we have decided on a mutant radio active forty foot man eating centipede, Pirate Pete thinks he saw one the other day just after he had drunk his third bottle of Jamaican Rum; made with his very own still hidden in the cellar. I don’t think I am meant to tell you about that so he might make me walk the plank again into the goldfish pond. AH.  We didn’t find one I think the dog was quite pleased as he didn’t really fancy having a fight with a forty foot man eating centipede, I did say he is a dog not a man so he would be ok but he said IDIOT. By the way the forty foot man eating centipede is forty foot long, he does not have forty feet I would assume he has one hundred feet by his name. 

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Fiona Knight                                         I too have given up on Mount of Count Gomery as now there appears to be a Munt Gomery, oh I think the ancient literature has become somewhat distorted through out the years, it is like they were playing Chinese whispers when writing their books. I also went on an adventure earlier today, it was most exciting having a family meeting with a herd of cows whilst stranded on an island, fortunately the cows were very happy to just lick us with their sharp grabbing very long (almost forty foot) tongues. Later on I had an in depth conversation with a honey bee, who was convinced the printed flowers on my jacket were real....and now I just have to go and listen to the Blackbirds announce the 7 o clock news.....Sunny Sundays are fun.

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You do indeed seem to be able to communicate with bees Miss Fiona; I suspect because of your shaman Buddhist ways you are able to hum in bee. UM GOMERY HUM or something like that.  Mum said I must behave. No sorry she said Bee Hive Hah AHhahhha Ha ha ha ha  

The Acme Armageddon Universal Chemistry Set; Murder on the Orient Express and the spider

I have tried to be really useful today by helping dad in the garden this morning and Mum painting this afternoon. Dad was complaining about the plants and saying the wrong ones are growing and the ones that are; are growing really fast. And all want to stab him of sting him or give him a bad rash or eat the goldfish or trip us up.

Dad is not a great gardener and weeds with the flame thrower so we always have Char grilled vegetables from the veggy patch. We were using a new tactic today and dad has made his very own secret formula weed killer from his Acme Armageddon Universal Chemistry Set which he bought online from some dodgy company in South America via Amazon or was it by the Amazon. Mum offered to help him as she was a scientist but he said he wanted to do it himself, it was a very good weed killer but the explosions did scare Fluffy, Mr Jenkins cat who ran up the big tree again. I don’t know why he does that it takes ages to get him out of it. It was fun gardening with dad but mum shouted at us and said we were not allowed to have any food until we had filled all the holes up, me and dad both said NOT FAIR.  

It was a quieter afternoon painting which we have had to do with the office moving and Chris the Builder doing work on the old office and stuff although he has run away for the weekend now. The whole kitchen is painted, well almost the whole kitchen because there is a monster spider in one corner who refuses to move.  Because we quite like spiders we are leaving that corner until the spider wanders off for a bite to eat or a party.

The dog and Pirate Pete have spent the day in the wood with the banshee’s who have told them that Count Gomery is now living with his cousin in Transylvania where they are doing very well with their little holiday business called Murder on the Orient Express, Its not quite like the book or movie although most of the murders do happen at night, well all the murders happen at night. They claim to make the best Bloody Mary in the world, even better than the one on The Flying Scots-Woman.

 Mum is complaining that I am heading down one of my more obscure tangents of random thought and I should get back to the point.

So sorry about that the point is that….. I cant remember what the point is now …. NOT FAIR mum just said IDIOT …… foood YUMMY time to go.

The stereo-typical family eating the foot of J K Rowlings and the other stuff

Mum said you are what you eat so the dog is having roast Saint Bernard for dinner and I am having stew made with J.K.Rowlings, well that was the plan but mum said it was not a good idea. So she has made a cake that is the life size image of J.K.Rowlings wearing a jumper with the name Bernard across the front of it. Me and the dog were arguing about who gets to eat the head.

Mr Jenkins came for tea tonight too because Mrs Jenkins has taken up arc welding at evening classes. Mr Jenkins thinks although we are all very strange we are the stereo-typical family where mum does all the cooking and practical things like nuclear science and chemistry and is the brains in the family. Dad potters about in his workshop making things like the Tyrannosaurs at Halloween or Pirate Pete’s bionic steam powered legs. And me and the dog cause chaos and eat loads and generally make a mess, Me and the dog think he is probably right but the dog had his mouth full of the arm of J.K.Rowlings while I was eating her foot (Yummy toe nails). Mum and dad did agree with him but said ours is a just a happy story of county life in the borders of Wales next to that other country called ? ….. …… England, we forget sometimes.

Now my train of thought has been disturbed by pigeons being very friendly to one another in the tree outside our window of the new office, I don’t think dad planned on that sort of thing happening right outside our windows.

No Luck finding Count Gomery today but we plan to stake out the laundrette because if he is still about then sooner of later he will be there with his duvet. I tried asking the Joules Verne Oracle and Prophecy machine about Count Gomery and it said I would be best to spend the night sleeping on a sacrificial stone slab in the woods at night because I would find him then. Mum said I was not allowed too though because we have too many plots on the go as it is and adding another one would just confuse us all even more. And besides just how many story lines can you get into one block buster movie. That’s true the Lord of the Rings only has one and look how long that lasted, those Ork things were rubbish, just how many of them does it take to change a light bulb.     

The Mountain and the Undead

Me and the dog have spent the morning searching for the fabled Mount Gomery but with no luck, then when we got home we have been told it has now been discovered it is a spelling mistake all along. No wonder we could not find it, apparently according to dad and Pirate Pete it should read Count Gomery who used to suck the blood of his victims in the dark of night and lived in a wooden box full of soil in daylight.

 He had to wash his duvet every night because it would get really dirty from all the soil. I think his pillow was just as bad so he was always very grumpy which is why he sucked all the blood out of everyone at night. He is meant to be one of the undead, Pirate Pete said he doesn’t like the undead much because when he went for a part as an extra in the Pirates of the Caribbean film it was the undead who got all the parts in the film and they were not even real pirates. It is why he turned up for the Pirates of the Caribbean school pantomime at Christmas time and is now very much part of the story.    

Anyway me and the dog are now looking for Count Gomery although it is harder than we thought because it is really surprising how many people look like they are the undead. Mum of course being a Goth says it is one of the reasons she likes living in our little town, it is full of very strange people. She said some people even think we are strange GOSH how odd; how could anyone think we are odd. The dog insists that if we are going to look for Count Gomery tomorrow then we need to take stakes with us so first thing in the morning he plans to go to the butcher and get as many as possible.

Monty Pylons Flying Circus and a new Mountain

Mum and dad have been to a meeting tonight in the town hall all about the new pylons and the route they will take. Dad said it was all a bit of a circus because all the electricity people (I don’t think dad means they are powered by electricity) said well it has not been decided and it might be a green route or a light green or one of the other colours.

They were only there for a few hours so dad said it was a flying circus he said it was Monty Pylons Flying Circus.

That made the dog fall about laughing yet again and he kept saying we must ask Bwian because Bwian will know. Dad said they should add one more wafer thin pylon to the end and both him and the dog fell about laughing but mum said IDIOTS. Dad then said the electricity companies seem to think Monty Pylons are the holy grid and they fell about laughing again but Captain Flint the parrot said IDIOTS then.

Me and the dog have gone out exploring for the fabled Mount Gomery the legendary mountain close to the town square that is talked of on the side of old china mugs handed down through the generations in an old school ritual. This happened today in the local school although because I have accidently started my Easter Holiday on the wrong week I didn’t get one. Pirate Pete very kindly got a mug made for me but he unfortunately misspelt Mount Gomery and mine has Montgomery on it NOT FAIR.

Yuri Gagarin, Laika and the rather late rescue plan

The dog is angry today and says that it may be fifty years ago today that Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space in 1961 but what the human race forget is that dogs beat man into space and no one makes a big fuss over Laika the first dog in space on 3^rd November 1957.

 Who made the error of refusing to return to earth until she had a pay rise. The Russians never paid well or had the money to do so, so it was a bad move on Laika’s part. As was wondering what the big red button did so poor old Laika found herself stranded on the moon for the rest of her life on a diet of cheese and by the time the Americans had sorted out a rescue mission and sent Neil Armstrong off to the moon to get her back it was too late. Not only that but then Neil had the cheek to pinch all the glory and said he got there first. Typical astronaut they just will not give dogs the credit they deserve.

Well that’s what the dog says although mum says IDIOT, not sure if she means the dog or Laika or Yuri Gagarin or Neil Armstrong or me. Fish have been in space a few times now too but the experiments have always gone wrong because as soon as the fish tank becomes weightless all the water floats out and fuses all the electronics so now fish have been banned from going into space altogether. Captain Flint the Parrot says there are no brazil nuts in space and therefore he thinks all the effort is a waste of money.

Finally you will be pleased to learn we no longer live in a multidimensional world and me and the dog are not going to meet ourselves now. The dog is very pleased and is off to celebrate by making a model of Laika the dog in Moon Cheese and will be sending it  to NASA, Flipper the Wood Mouse said is it alright to eat a bit of Laika’s tail but the dog growled at it.  That’s Flipper not the Moon Cheese or NASA.

The film re-enactment of Being John Malkovich

I have agree to go and feed the cat over the road for a few days Little Pop who is little and to be quite frank it is hardy surprising since he is so fussy with his food I have given him four different foods to try and he is having a bite from each and them going YUK I even gave him fresh sardines but he went YUK

The dog says this is yet another prime example of the breakdown in the laws of nature and anything that fussy should become extinct. I did ask the dog if we should call the RAC man out like the ghost writer when his car breakdown, but the dog recons it’s the wrong sort of breakdown and said IDIOT. I am not sure if he means me or the cat or the RAC man.

Dad  is still swearing at DIY on the new office although it is starting to look quite good considering he never uses a ruler, spirit level or any sort of square. His master plan was to finish it today but he failed as he still has things to do. He is also swearing about wireless networks as things are not working quite as planned so our world has become multidimensional like the rest of you, jolly fun but the dog thinks he might meet himself now and does not like the thought of meeting another dog as clever as he is even if it is him, But I have told the dog we could do the film re-enactment of Being John Malkovich but the dog said O GOD and IDIOT and then decided he needed a lie down thinking about that happening. I seem to have spent most of the day going round in circles but I think that is due to the multidimensional state of our world at present, it might also explain why some schools are on their Easter Hols and some are not. We were not sure at home so we played it safe and I stayed at home it seems silly to go and wait for a bus if it doesn't turn up, I tell the little old ladies that at the bus stop sometimes but they swear at me and hit me with umbrella’s

DIY and the huge Rubiks cube and a man from the RAC

Well an interesting day again very warm indeed I think summer is confused and has turned up at the wrong time. Dad started the day working on the new office again and moving all the electrics etc so Chris the Builder can start work tomorrow, well it was going to be tomorrow but it will be Tuesday now due to technical problems.

Dad was swearing a lot but mum threw the armadillo toaster at him on the grounds it was Sunday morning and Goths don’t swear on Sundays. But some of the pressure if off a bit now due to the delay in Chris the Builder coming. Both mum and dad had to go to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in the afternoon to help and do things, even the ghost writer was there. But he was having a bit a problem with that silly bubble car thing of his and had to call the RAC man to come and save him. He told us the RAC man said he was driving his car wrong and he has to drive it a bit more like a boy racer; he said if he did it would do more miles to the gallon. The ghost writer doesn’t want to drive like a boy race and thinks NOT FAIR.

Mum then had a man come into Mr Beelzebub’s shop who said he was a vegetarian by proxy and that he eats only animals that eat grass. I don’t think mum approves of that she’s vegetarian and she said you can’t be a vegetarian by proxy but the man said he thought it was a very logical idea.

Me and Pirate Pete we being useful today by dismantling the old office but dad builds things in a strange way so it is like dismantling a huge Rubiks cube only Pirate Pete doesn’t know what a Rubiks cube is and I have never been able to do one. The only thing in our favour is we were on the inside to do it, Pirate Pete was using his cutlass but I was using a screwdriver, Pirate Pete thought using a screwdriver was very silly because a cutlass if much faster. He was right but I had to keep ducking a lot, he is very enthusiastic with a cutlass.

I’m not sure all this DIY is good for my book I think we need more excitement but as you will all know diaries rely on real life even mine so we do need to send the ghost writer off abseiling and fighting lions with bear hands. The Ghost writer is saying NOT FAIR again now.

Late but I made it in the end

Well dad has spent almost the whole day working like a demented Looney but although the new office is not finished it is now working. There was quite a lot of swearing firstly doing all the woodwork and then getting the IT network all up and running, but things are almost done.

I think there are just too many deadlines for mum and dad and first thing Monday morning the world famous Chris the Builder is due to turn up to do some work on the house. Dad does not do cement or brickwork since he concreted his feet into the foundations of his workshop while building a wall.

Anyway it was best to leave mum and dad to it so me and the dog went to the wood as it was yet again a very hot day, lovely. We thought if mum and dad were working to deadlines it can only mean somewhere there must be some live lines. We spent ages in the wood and even saw the Dodo family, we haven’t seen them for ages not since before Jim went off to America to train animals in Hollywood. He is coming back in the summer holidays to do a new documentary in the wood, I told the Dodos’ they could be on television but they thought that was a bad move because last time they got all friendly with humans the humans ate them all. I did say it was there own fault for tasting so nice but they said NOT FAIR and ran away again.

Anyway we spent a long time looking for some live lines but with no luck then on our way home se saw a sign saying Beware Live Lines but all me and the dog saw was a protest group with signs saying no pylons. Silly people fancy not spelling Pythons correctly.

Finally I am very sorry this is so late tonight but it is dads fault

lots to do and no time to do it plus a run away Aardvark

It is getting more like summer everyday now, I don’t know how long it will last but hopefully it will be a lovely Easter holiday. Dad is complaining about the logistics of designing and building a new built in desk and moving the entire office while mum sorts out all the end of year paperwork because they are self employed. Then on top of that mum is organising the next exhibition of artwork.

Me and the dog are working on the invitations for the preview of the exhibition which will be held in one of the grand halls in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. I am amazed at times just how big his shop can get.  Anyway the dog is not that good at folding and sticking so he got to design it this time and it has been proof read by our proof reader so we know it is OK. And he is now in charge of the printer. He said I GET TO PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON and then fell about laughing, But I’m sure he tells use this joke at every opportunity and he still thinks it’s really funny. I told him YOUR BARKING MAD but he just fell about laughing even more.

Dad is stuck waiting for paint to dry and has said IT IS LIKE WATCHING PAINT DRY only it is so that makes sense. Heavy Harry the Cat has just tried to bite the second hand off the clock that dad made, everyone else has just thought WHAT???? But Flipper the Wood Mouse has said IDIOT. I don’t think it is a good idea for a wood mouse to say IDIOT to a cat even if the cat is being an idiot. I think Heavy Harry must want feeding again so I will have to go. Ooooo by the way in case anyone is interested I had the FISH & CHIPS last night as they are the best fish and chips in the world and anyway the Aardvark had all gone; not as in run away but eaten. Apparently one of them has run away and is now hiding in the woods, Big Bill said it was a bit fresher than he was expecting and it leap out the box.  

Spatial awareness, the beach and roast Aardvark with a crunchy cheese coating for dinner

I decided to hide in the boot of the car and be a stowaway like on a ship so I could go to the beach this morning. Everyone got in and we set off after a while we stopped and I heard voices, then the boot opened and it was dad with a big plate glass window behind him and in it was the reflection of the Headmaster. Dad said you have to guess where we are and I said schooL.

The headmaster then said well done I am very impressed, I was a bit confused. Dad then went on to explain how we had been doing experiments in spatial awareness and that I would get in the boot and have to work out where dad was taking me by the movements of the car. The headmaster said he was so impressed that we were doing science experiments outside school hours he said I could have the day off. It meant I got to go to the beach, but I did say to dad that I only knew I was at school because I saw the reflection of the headmaster in the window but all he said was GOSH REALLY.

It was a great day at the beach and the dog ran up and down the beach chasing seagulls who were trying to eat Flipper the Wood Mouse I suppose because he is a small wood mouse. The sea was very calm and the only one of use that got to go surfing was Flipper as he only needs a wave three inches high as his surf board is only six inches long. He said he managed to surf over 50ft on one run but had to dive for cover when one of the seagulls swooped at him. While we ate our sandwiches at lunch time all the seagulls and jackdaws watched us in a long line there was loads of them but only one jackdaw was brave enough to come near us to grab a few crumbs, I think the dog smiled at them a lot and he is scary when he does that.

There was also a load of children from somewhere else who had a huge A frame device that the could walk along the beach with ropes but it did take about twenty of them to do it. One of them kept shouting and dad said if he was doing it he would have buried her in the sand for a while but mum hit him on the head with a sandcastle.

 Pirate Pete spent a long time running up and down the beach looking for treasure but all he found was a huge box of drift wood so he thinks we need to go to a beach with more gold doubloons buried in it next time although he did said it was great to be by the sea, we all agreed with that but then we came home. But we are off tonight to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café for a meal so it has turned into an excellent day. I wonder if Big Bill will have one of those roast Aardvarks with a crunchy cheese coating and a blue curry sauce YUM

Elaine Kerley                                    Believe it or not, I know what a "boot" is. My Jaguar will tell me when my boot is open. I looked and looked until I found something "open" on my car! In the U.S., it's called a trunk! lol

I know transatlantic English can be complex I have run foul of it several times in the past. Boot Trunk or Bonnet, Hood (I think) even the humble car, we even have miles that are different lengths ours are a bit longer so our cars don’t go so fast. So if you were ever caught speeding you can say your car is a European car and was not breaking the European speed limit of the same speed as in Europe the same speed would be slower.  

Not sure I understand that and I wrote it

Scrabble, thirty seven pence, the new desk and not going to the beach

It was seriously warm day today just like summer the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine said it would be a while ago, it said the weather would be good early on but then it also predicted a big storm later in the year so that might be scary. It certainly was very hot at school so I was unable to think, and had to tell the teachers I was suffering from heat generated brain scramble.

Unfortunately the English teacher thought I said Scrabble and we had to play Scrabble for a whole hour and a half. I was not very popular with the rest of the pupils. And I was knocked out of the competition really early, but I did win thirty seven pence by betting on the outsider to win by a nose; his last three letters were OSE.

Dad is having to move the office in the house for various reasons, with may or may not be explained as time goes by depending on stuff happening in the next few days. So today he started to build a whole new desk with shelving and legs and things like that, in fact most of the usual things you find on a desk. He wants it finished by Saturday or Sunday so he can move everything out of the old office by the start of next week. Pirate Pete is helping but Pirate Pete has carved all the legs in the shape of pirate wooden legs. I don’t think that was dads plan.

Mum and dad have said they plan to go to the beach tomorrow as it is so sunny and warm after I go to school and take everyone along, even Flipper the Wood Mouse ………………….. Well that’s NOT FAIR. They said they would take the dog etc before the schools break up for the Easter Holidays and the beach fills up with lots of noisy children. I did say if I was very quiet could I go but they said NO I had to go to school and learn interesting things . . . . .  VERY NOT FAIR.