ITV1+1, the Time Lords and Time . . . Mankinds big Questions

I was asked what at first appears to be a simple question about names yesterday. . . . . . . Why isn't ITV1+1 just called ITV2 . . . . . .  It’s an innocent sort of thought but under the surface lays a terrible secret.   You see ITV1+1 is in fact one of the time shift channels created to manipulate mankind, as a programme ends on ITV1 it suddenly turns up on ITV1+1. Very useful folk will think a chance to watch the programme you have just missed and were looking foreword too.

But this apparently simple and popular idea is a way to control time, ask yourself where does this extra hour come from that allows a TV channel to move programmes about like this. The fact is that these huge media companies have devised a way to bend time, allowing them to create the 25hr a day television experience.

Now just ask yourself this question what device do you use to check the correct time, is it granddads grandfather clock wound up religiously every two days that stands in the hallway out of direct sunlight. Or is it some sort of media device such as the radio or a mobile phone or a PC, are you planning to rush out and buy the new iWatch. You see all these devices with the exception of  granddads grandfather clock are under the control of Western imperialist corporate multinationals that are keen to turn us all into Zombies working long hours to produce more media devices so we can watch more repeated programming.

   ITV1+1 is just the thin edge of the wedge once +2 +3 +4 and so on arrive we will be so confused by the constant watching of the same soap or reality show repeated at what appears to be the same time our willpower will be destroyed.  We will then be Zombies forced to work as slaves eating 15minute meals and removing stains that no other detergent can shift. 

Remember the book, film, play and board game 1984, remember that saying that folk like to quote  . . . . . BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU . . . . .  and what is the device everyone plans to rush out and buy at great cost the minute it arrives in the shops . . . the iWatch . . . . . Exactly I rest my case (that’s the long case of Granddads grandfather clock which says it is midday exactly. . . . is it meant to be this dark?   

The Washing Machine and the Gremlins

Our rather, not very good washing machine which will do strange things just for the hell of it sometimes, because it’s a washing machine and it under the delusion it is normal, has finally decided enough is enough. If we want to spin clothes to get them dry then it has let us know in no uncertain terms we need to do this ourselves by running in circles very fast. Dad has used his vast knowledge of electro-mechanical machines that like water to try and coax it back from sulk mode, the machine however just sort of twitched and mumbled at him. He then tried to give it a good beating with a large hammer but it did not help. So Mum and dad decided to purchase a new washing machine online using a small square bit of plastic, something called a credit card. They almost never do this it is very unusual indeed, so unusual that their bank did not allow the transaction several times and they only managed to do it after several phone calls explaining that they were in fact really trying to buy a washing machine to wash things in.

It was very frustrating and took ages so dad decided it was all the fault of the old washing machine and went and gave it a jolly good thrashing just to let it know who is boss. The good news is there is definitely one washing machine on its way to the house but the bad news is that like busses it is just possible that after years of never buying a new washing machine 15 of them will all turn up at once.

Yesterday the man on the BBC weather forecast on the wireless said it was going to be hot and sunny all day but it has not been hot and it was rather cloudy, I do wish they would tell us the truth it is very difficult when they do these sneaky things. Anyway I am not sure what happened to the day it just sort of faded away and all of a sudden it is dark. In fact it is getting dark earlier and earlier here in Britain and in two weeks time Great Britain does its ritual of moving all the clocks by an hour, so the good news is we will all get to have a lie in and still get up early but the bad news is by 5:00 pm it will be well dark and I will be jet lagged for about a week.

I have finally found my two posh microphones (OK not very posh) so I will be able to record myself drumming very soon which is sort of good for me, but maybe not so good for you and I have also found most of the leads that connected up all the little boxes that need to be connected in the big orange room. I might have to make a tombstone or two, as the last surviving member of the Monty Cardboard Robot Club, for someone who needs tombstones.

OK that’s it all a bit random today but it has been a random sort of day.

  

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The grinding wheels of progress going round in circles

There I was minding my own business pottering about attempting to draw 5000 legionaries (that’s the Roman ones that marched about in legions) in the margins of my history book. The one I am allowed to write in not the one from the library called ‘The Roman Legions and their place in the Development of the Ice Cream Van’, when I heard a noise. A sort of grinding spinning noise, the sort of noise that a twenty seven foot high mechanical clock might make prior to it going into the full Westminster chime at midday. So I looked up and low and behold what was staring me in the face but the grinding wheels of progress. Well I say progress, but I mean a twenty seven foot high full Westminster chiming clock made by Mr Progress one of the metalwork teachers, which he plans to put in pride of place on the school roof. Well he did until he was told it breaches planning consent.  Not normally a problem but because we are now an academy the headmaster is trying to do things by the book. That is not the book ‘The Roman Legions and their place in the Development of the Ice Cream Van’ because it has very little in it about large clocks. Although the ice cream vans in those days did have grinding wheels much like the clock, and the planning process.

Now being faced, sort of face to face by the grinding wheels of progress (Mr Progress’s name for his clock makes you realize that life ticks by dead quick, OK not dead quick because the clock is losing at least 10 minutes a day. But I realize I need to focus my diary on matters of great importance as the old History teacher said You can either sit and watch the wheels of life turn and go nowhere yourself or be one of the wheels, sadly in an attempt to prove the point the teacher was crushed by a large grinding machine full of cogs and wheels. Proving to all it is much better not to be one of the wheels. It is all this trying to be one of the wheels that has resulted in so many people just going round in circles. The only real advantage I have found so far for going round in circles is that it allows me to write absolutely loads about absolutely very little on days when very little has happened.

We are hoping our strange electrical fault is fixed and the Ghost writer says after a hard day in the office he feels like he has been trampled by a legion of Roman soldiers, then run over by a large object with grinding wheels that strangely sounded just like a large Westminster chiming clock.

And Heavy Harry the Cat  arrears to be not well, apparently my use of the defibrillator did not help although he did leap up and looked very perky for 10 seconds. 

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